That afternoon, Donavon showed up to help with Kenly as promised. Every time that he got close to her to guide her through the moves, she blushed. I began to worry that maybe his presence was going to be more of a distraction than an asset. By the end of our second practice, I felt significantly less confident about my decision.

  “Do you think she’ll ever get it?” I asked Donavon after we’d parted ways with Kenly.

  “Hard to say, but doubtful, given the time constraints,” he responded, cupping the back of my neck and massaging the knots of tension away. I let his hand linger for several seconds before shrugging out of his grip. Donavon sighed heavily, but refrained from touching me again. We said goodnight in the lobby of the dorm. He didn’t ask if I wanted him to come to my room, saving me the unpleasantness of saying no.

  Back in my room, I sank down on my bed, exhausted. Both Erik and Mac had left me comms. My first instinct was to call Erik back first, but I had nothing to report and decided I would wait, despite my desire to hear his voice. Instead, I dialed Mac’s number.

  “Natalia,” he greeted me after the first ring.

  “Hey, Mac,” I responded.

  “How is the training with Ms. Baker?” he asked, sounding distracted, and as if he didn’t really care.

  “Um, you know, pretty good. She’ll get the hang of it,” I mumbled, hoping that vague answers would suffice. “So, where are you? Are you on campus?” I asked.

  “I just got back a couple of hours ago. I am in my office. Why?” Mac responded, finally sounding like he was giving me his undivided attention.

  “I kinda wanted to talk to you about something. Can I come over?” I crossed my fingers and said a silent prayer.

  “Are you okay? Did something happen?” Mac sounded alarmed, and I could imagine his gray eyes narrowing in concentration.

  “Oh, I’m fine. It’s nothing like that. I just wanted to ask you a question and thought that it might be better if we talked in person,” I hedged, cringing a little at how obvious I must sound.

  Mac sighed. “It’s late, Natalia. What is it that you want now?” He wasn’t going to agree to an in-person meeting—crap.

  I debated for several seconds. If I asked him over the communicator and he said no, then I would’ve blown my chance; but if I waited until tomorrow, he’d likely be prepared for my suggestive question. I decided to just go for it.

  “Can I go into the city for Festivis next week?” I held my breath, willing him through the phone to agree.

  “I don’t know...” he began.

  Since it wasn’t an immediate no, I jumped at the opportunity to plead my case.

  “Mac, please,” I begged. “No one will really be on campus anyway, and I haven’t been off this compound since you brought me here ten months ago.”

  Mac didn’t answer right away, and I started to lose hope. Then he gave another tired sigh and cleared his throat.

  “How are you planning to get down there? You cannot drive yourself, and I am sending Donavon to Atlanta to take part in a Festivis Day ceremony there.”

  Atlanta? Why hadn’t Donavon mentioned that? Even as I felt a slight pang of bitterness, I realized that if Donavon were preoccupied I wouldn’t have to tell him that I was going to meet Erik. I knew that I should tell him, but I didn’t want to upset him.

  “I thought that Penny could drive. She has her hover license and, unless I’m mistaken, she isn’t under the same restrictions that I am. She’s free to leave whenever she likes, right?”

  Mac grew quiet again, and I heard the shuffling of papers across his desk and his fingers chirping on computer keys. “You may go,” he finally decided.

  I let out the breath that I’d been holding and smiled from ear to ear. He’d actually agreed, and I didn’t even have to manipulate him.

  “Thank you so much, Mac!” I exclaimed, wishing that I’d talked to him in person so I could hug him right then.

  “Hold on—don’t get too excited just yet. You may go, but there are a couple of conditions,” he warned, backpedaling slightly. Conditions? I didn’t like the sound of that.

  “Okay, sure. What conditions?” I asked hesitantly.

  “No drinking, and I want you back at a decent hour,” Mac insisted. No drinking? That was fine; it wasn’t like I wanted to go just to get drunk. And a decent hour just meant that I couldn’t stay out all night. No big deal; most of the celebrations took place during the day anyway.

  “No problem!” I agreed, audible excitement evident in my voice. “Thanks, Mac, I really appreciate it.”

  “Gretchen and I will be in New York for the holiday. We have a banquet to attend, but Janet will be here if you need anything. I want you to report to her when you return, so that she knows you are okay,” Mac continued.

  “I can do that!” Janet was much more lenient than Mac. As long as I didn’t have a seizure, she’d let me do whatever I wanted. Now I just had to convince Penny, and I doubted that she would need much encouragement; Penny loved getting dressed up.

  I felt a hundred times better as I brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. While I was mostly excited about seeing Erik, I was also happy to finally leave the grounds. Even with my newly-acquired freedom, the campus still felt like a prison.

  After donning my pajamas, I dialed Erik and rested my head on the pillow while I waited for him to answer.

  “Hello?” he said groggily.

  “Guess what?” I practically squealed.

  “Hey, Tals,” he replied, sounding more awake now that he knew it was me. “I’m guessing by how excited you sound that you talked to the Director?”

  “I did,” I confirmed. “He said I can go!”

  “Good,” Erik sounded relieved, but not nearly as enthusiastic as I’d hoped.

  “You still want to meet me, right?” I asked, a little worried that he’d changed his mind.

  “Of course. I’m sorry, I’m just really tired. It’s late, and Henri and I are leaving in the morning for a mission,” he said, trying to muster a happier tone for my benefit.

  “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know. . . . ” I felt just the tiniest bit guilty now. I should’ve checked the time, but in my haste to hear his voice, I hadn’t bothered.

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  “It’s okay. I can’t wait to see you,” he added.

  “Yeah, me too. ’Night, Erik. Be safe tomorrow.” I smiled, wishing that I’d chosen the holograph option when I called, so that I could see his face.

  “’Night, Tals. I’ll call you when I get back.” With that he disconnected and I pulled the covers tighter around me, wishing that they were his arms.

  ***

  The days quickly began to run together. Every morning I woke and met Donavon in the Instructor cafeteria for breakfast. After that was my routine visit to the Medical building for a daily dose of Dr. Thistler and her not-so-miracle equalizing drug. Some mornings I would sneak down to the Psych wing and visit Ernest after I met with her. Most days I just sat in his room and watched him stare off into space. Other days I brought books and read random chapters to him, hoping to elicit a reaction. Someday I hoped to have the courage to try restoring some of the memories that I’d stolen, but as of yet I was too scared.

  After my visit with Ernest, I’d make my way over to the Crypto Bank. I spent the next few hours searching through personnel files while Penny and Gemma did whatever it was that Crypto workers actually did on a day-to-day basis. I spent my lunch hour training with Kenly since her skills were more remedial than I’d first thought.

  I also attended the classes that Mac still wanted me to assist in. Annalise kept me busy grading papers, and I continued to engage her in small talk at every opportunity. Cadence continued to dislike me, and I continued to reciprocate her feelings. Mac grudgingly agreed to release me from my obligation to assist Thad, so that was another hour that I spent back in the Crypto Bank. I took out my aggression by sparring with Griffin’s students; some days my feelings were so out of control that he had to remind me to go easy on them. Ursula’s class gave me more time to work with Kenly, and I didn’t waste it. I routinely spent the hour focused on helping her develop her abilities while avoiding talking to Ursula about Erik.

  Ursula’s comment about the “chick” that had broken his heart weighed heavily on my mind. Was I really that “chick”? I was almost certain that I was.

  Thoughts of Erik consumed my dreams and distracted me from my daily tasks. I played his messages over and over again just to hear his voice. It didn’t compare to actually talking to him, but I didn’t really have another option since he was away on his mission.

  When I asked Penny about going into the city for Festivis, she readily agreed, just like I’d known she would. We spent the week planning our outfits and deciding what bars we wanted to try. It felt like old times; and for the millionth time since meeting her, I was thankful that I had a friend like Penny.

  She’d talked to Harris, and he’d agreed to come with Erik. The way Penny smiled when she talked about him made me think that whatever had started between the two the previous year definitely wasn’t over. I hadn’t seen her so happy in a long time, and I liked it. Investigating the spy was taking its toll on her—she often looked tired and stressed—but the prospect of seeing Harris had revitalized her.

  “Do you think that we will ever find the spy?” I asked Penny the morning before our Festivis holiday began. Despite my mounting enthusiasm for the celebration, my lack of progress and Mac’s continuous reminders of that fact were dampening my mood. Penny tore her attention away from the monitors and gave me a wary smile.

  “I don’t know, Tal. I mean, I know the Director thinks that a spy is the only way that Crane could have known who you were and all; but have you thought that maybe he just recognized you?”

  Recognized me? I actually hadn’t considered that—but Crane hadn’t known what I looked like, had he?

  “Think about it, Tal. We have workups on all of the major players in the Coalition, right? You knew what Crane looked like because we had pictures of him. Don’t you think that they probably have the same information on us? I mean, you said yourself that they have better technology than we do. If that’s true, then I’m sure they have facial recognition software and all that,” she continued, barely pausing to take a breath.

  “I guess you could be right,” I said weakly. If she was, then I really was chasing a ghost. This whole assignment could be a complete waste of time. “But then, why would Mac have pulled you from your work at Elite? And why would he have Donavon undercover here? And Janet and the Assistant Director and the Captain are all investigating this, too,” I pointed out.

  “He obviously really believes that there’s a spy. Seriously, Tal—even though we’ve been combing these files for weeks and the Director has been investigating this for months, no one has found anything. I just think that it’s time we considered the possibility that Crane just knew who you were.” Penny sighed, sitting back in the chair like her speech had exhausted her.

  Scrutinizing Penny’s drawn features and bloodshot eyes, I realized that she looked horrible. Her appearance was becoming increasingly more haggard and run-down. I wondered how much time she’d spent digitally hunting the traitor when I wasn’t around. Penny was always at her desk when I got there in the mornings, and she often stayed until well past midnight; she must be sleeping even less than I was. I’d been so distracted by my seizures and my personal life that her extreme efforts hadn’t registered.

  “Well, Penny,” I began, giving her a pointed look. “I’ll let you be the one to break that news to Mac.”

  Penny laughed. “Um, I’m not stupid, Tal. I think that I’ll wait for him to reach that conclusion on his own.”

  “Probably for the best,” I agreed. She was right; Mac wouldn’t like her assertions even if they were right. Particularly if they were right. The fact that the Coalition’s technology surpassed our own was a sore spot for him; he would really hate being reminding of it.

  That evening, Donavon and I tried a number of sensory deprivation techniques with Kenly to no avail. I decided that we should move on to weapons training since she was seriously lacking in that department as well. The fact that nobody was injured badly enough to warrant stitches was the most positive thing that came out of the night’s practice.

  “Have you thought about trying to mentally walk her through the exercises?” Donavon suggested as he walked me back to my room.

  “You mean control her, so I can will her to do the moves?” I asked, amazed that I hadn’t thought of the idea sooner.

  “Yeah, at least then she would know what it feels like to actually do the moves correctly,” he shrugged. “Just a thought.”

  “You’re a genius!” I exclaimed. The idea really was great. If Kenly got the feel for the movements, she might start doing them correctly on her own.

  When we reached the door to our building, I hugged Donavon goodbye and reached for the door. I was in a much lighter mood, now that I had a plan that I genuinely believed might work.

  “Tal?” Donavon’s mental voice called after me tentatively.

  “Yeah,” I replied.

  “I’m going to Atlanta for Festivis Day. Dad wants me to preside over the celebrations down there. I’m leaving in the morning, and won’t be back for a couple of days. I know you said that you need time to think, but maybe we could talk when I get back?”

  Donavon reached out and grabbed my arm, pulling me around to face him. I tensed. Conflicting emotions warred in my mind. I recoiled even as a small part of me hoped that he would kiss me. What was wrong with me? I was going to meet Erik in the morning. I’d been looking forward to seeing him again since the moment he’d left campus. But now that I was standing so close to Donavon, his breath warm on my face, I longed to feel his lips on mine.

  Donavon brushed his mouth across my forehead.

  “Goodnight, Talia,” he said aloud. “Have fun at Festivis,” he added.

  “Yeah, thanks.” I still hadn’t told him that I was going to meet Erik, but I think he knew.

  “Goodnight, Donavon.”

  Turning, I quickly fled into my building. I needed to tell him the truth, and soon; our relationship couldn’t remain in this emotional limbo any longer.

  Lying in my bed, I mentally reviewed all of the unsettling information that I’d acquired in the past week. Nothing made sense anymore. Why hadn’t Mac told me about the transfusion? Why had Dr. Thistler freaked out when I’d brought it up? Why was Donavon so scared for his father to find out that I knew? What had Mac reminded Donavon not to tell me after my last seizure? Was Penny right? Was there no spy? Did Crane know who I was because the Coalition had a file on me? That scenario didn’t really add up for me, though; I’d been a Pledge when I went to Nevada. Sure, I’d buy that they had a file on Mac and Janet and anyone like that, but not on me. They probably did now since I’d actively tried to kill Crane. But before my mission, I’d been no one to the Coalition—just another Talented cog turned out by the School’s assembly line. Or had I?

  Your father, Crane had said to me when I asked how he knew so much about Mind Manipulation. If Crane had known my father well enough for that to be true, then maybe he did know who I was and what I looked like. Maybe he’d been expecting me to come for him one day.

  The encounter that I’d just had with Donavon added to the questions churning in my head, and made it impossible to sleep. I didn’t want to be with Donavon, but why couldn’t I give him up? Why couldn’t I just tell him about Erik? Why, after all the lies and secrets, was I so eager to keep him in my life?

  Because you’re selfish; you need his support. Erik isn’t reliable, and Erik won’t want you after he realizes how bad your condition really is, I thought.

  Would Erik run the first time that my temper flared out of control and I started convulsing? Would Erik sit on my bedroom floor while I slept just to be there in case I had another seizure? Would Erik forgive me if I went crazy and slapped him, then tore his shirt and clawed at his face?

  Erik didn’t cheat on you, I reminded myself, remembering Penny’s statement at Captain Alvarez’s dinner. She was right. I trusted Erik. But did I trust him enough to let him see me at my worst?