At the hotel, Erik and I finally parted ways with Cadence. I hadn’t been paying much attention to their conversation, but whatever the content, she was in a much friendlier mood than she had been earlier. She even went as far as to ask if we wanted to join her for dinner. Thankfully, Erik declined so I didn’t have to.

  “You okay?” Erik asked once we were alone in my room.

  “Yeah, it’s just been a long day,” I replied with a tired smile. “How about we order room service for dinner?” The thought of socializing with the other Operatives made we want to gouge my eyes out.

  “Actually, I sort of have dinner plans already,” Erik sent.

  He pulled out a chair from the small table in the corner and sat. He wouldn’t meet my gaze. I pushed on his mind, but didn’t get more than nervous tension in response.

  “Plans?” I said, trying to not sound accusatory.

  “Yeah.” Erik paused, finding the skin over his knuckles incredibly engaging all of a sudden.

  I sat on the edge of the bed and waited, patience waning with each passing second.

  “So, you remember how we got your medical records when we had that Brain go into the database?” He finally asked.

  I nodded even though he still wasn’t looking at me. How could I forget? The file had been enormous and confusing, filled with ridiculously long medical terms with too many vowels. At the time, I’d thought the records would tell me whether there was more to the seizures than Mac and Dr. Thistler were telling me. Unfortunately, all the technical jargon looked like gibberish to my untrained eyes.

  “Well, I have a friend stationed at the medical research facility in Bethesda,” Erik continued, now picking at a spot on the back of his hand.

  I’d never seen him so uncomfortable. Erik never beat around the bush. Everything he did, he did with purpose. He never showed vulnerability or weakness. The way he kept fidgeting with his hands and shifting in the chair made me dread where this conversation was headed.

  “I asked her to take a look at your files and let me know if she finds anything unusual,” Erik was saying.

  The words sank in. I jumped off the bed and crossed the room to where Erik sat, simultaneously hoping his friend had found something and praying she hadn’t. “And?”

  “She found some irregularities. She wanted to talk about it in person.”

  Irregularities? So, there was something more to my condition. It felt like an ice cube was melting in the pit of my stomach, spreading cold dread in every direction. Erik reached for my hands and drew me to him.

  “I don’t want you to get your hopes up. This might be nothing,” he warned.

  Erik took hold of my waist and guided me onto his lap. Absently, I rested my head against his shoulder and weighed his words. Would I be discouraged if this proved to be a dead end? Likely. Okay, definitely. But he said she found some irregularities. That wasn’t nothing.

  “I want to come,” I told Erik decisively.

  This was my health we were talking about, after all. Good or bad, I wanted to know.

  “I sort of figured you would.” What he didn’t say, but what I felt come through loud and clear was, “I don’t want you to.”

  I sat up straight. What wasn’t he telling me? I could feel that he was hiding something, and I knew if I tried, I could dig it out of the corner of his mind he’d pushed it into. But I had enough truth-seeking missions on my to-do list. I wanted him to tell me himself.

  “Why don’t you want me to go with you? Why are you just now bringing this up?” I demanded, shifting on his lap so I could gauge his reaction.

  Erik reached up and stroked my cheek with the back of his hand. I softened slightly at his touch, but my guard was still up. Then a frantic thought occurred to me.

  “Oh, my god. You know what’s wrong with me, don’t you? Am I dying?”

  Erik cupped my face with both his hands. “It’s nothing like that. Anya didn’t want to talk over the Communicator. She just asked me to meet her tonight.”

  “Then why don’t you want me to come?” I asked again, suspicion mounting.

  Erik’s hands dropped to his sides as he closed his eyes and sighed resignedly. “Because Anya wasn’t always just a friend,” he began.

  At first, I didn’t really process his words. I was too focused on the fact that there was something irregular in my medical file. Although, irregular was sort of relative since there was nothing regular about me to begin with.

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  “She was a year ahead of me in the School,” Erik was saying. “And we sort of hooked up on and off for a couple of years.”

  Wait, what? Hooked up? For a couple of years? He wasn’t serious, was he? I shot up and stared down at Erik, not sure what to say. I was too stunned to be mad. I didn’t kid myself that he was a virgin or anything. I wasn’t that na?ve. Thinking about Erik’s past just upset me, so I usually tried not to. It was easier that way. No point in torturing myself when I couldn’t rewrite Erik’s story.

  “Did you sleep with her?” I found myself asking. Out of all the questions on my mind, that was the one I chose to ask? I needed my head examined.

  “Tal,” Erik began.

  “Did you sleep with her?” I repeated, crossing my arms over my chest. Why I kept pushing an issue I already knew the answer to was beyond me.

  “Yes, I did.”

  Even though I expected him to say yes, it still felt as though he’d punched me in the stomach. Knowing Erik had been with some nameless girl before me was one thing, but this girl had a name—Anya. And Erik still talked to her. They were still friends.

  “You are still friends with Donavon,” Erik pointed out, getting defensive.

  “That’s different. We didn’t sleep together,” I shot back.

  It was different in my mind. Erik and Anya had shared something that Erik and I hadn’t. She knew him in a way I didn’t. Donavon had never even seen me entirely naked, let alone touched me.

  “You’re right. It is different. I never loved Anya. She was never my girlfriend.” Erik was on his feet now, too, and ready for battle.

  “Is that supposed to make me feel better? Am I supposed to be relieved that you routinely have sex with people you’re not even dating?” The backs of my eyes prickled and I willed myself not to cry.

  Erik’s whole body stiffened. For a brief moment, I worried that I’d gone too far. Said too much. Been too honest.

  Then Erik placed his hands on my shoulders. “Tal, you knew when we started dating I’d been with other people. Anya isn’t the only girl I’ve slept with. I haven’t been in love with any of the girls I’ve been with. I liked Anya. I cared about her. She understood that our relationship was casual. I never led her to believe any different.”

  “Is our relationship casual, too?” I demanded, trying to turn away so he wouldn’t see how upset I was.

  “Look at me,” Erik ordered in a low voice that was neither gentle nor reassuring. I glanced up and saw the hurt and betrayal clouding his eyes. “How could you ask that? I love you. I would do anything for you. I thought you knew that.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat. Erik was right. I did know that he loved me. Not just because he said the words, either. I saw it every time he looked at me, felt it every time he kissed me.

  “I do. Thinking about you with another girl just makes it hard for me to think straight,” I admitted. “You’re right. I did know that you’d been with other girls, but that doesn’t mean I like it. Everything we do means something to me. It’s special for me because I haven’t done these things with anyone else. It kills me that it isn’t the same for you.”

  Erik let me ramble, get out every insecurity I had in our relationship. It felt good to tell him the truth. I normally told him everything, even the mundane, like what I ate for breakfast. But I’d never admitted how much I worried that what happened between us wasn’t as important to him as it was to me. I barely admitted it to myself.

  “It’s special to me, too, Tal. I’ve never felt this way before. Being with you is a new experience for me. And when we have sex, it will mean just as much to me as it does to you. I’m sorry you won’t be my first, but I hope you’ll be my last. I hate that McDonough was the first person you told you loved and your first kiss and your first a lot of things. Every time I see him, I want to break his hands because I know he touched you with them.”

  Erik’s hands slid down my arms and around my waist. He pulled me against his chest and rested his chin on top of my head. We stayed like that for several minutes. Erik rubbed my back while I sniffled into his shirt.

  “You do trust me, don’t you?” He sounded sad, like he’d just learned some truth he wished he hadn’t.

  “Of course I trust you,” I told him and I meant it, too.

  The last twenty-four hours with Cadence aside, I’d never doubted that Erik was faithful. And it wasn’t even like I genuinely believed that he was sneaking around with Cadence behind my back. I blamed stress for my erratic mood swings and jealously.

  “I hope so. Since you came into my life, you are all I think about. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I might not have the greatest track record with monogamy, but I don’t lie and I don’t cheat. If I still wanted to be with Anya, I would be. If I wanted to sleep with other girls, I would never have told you I love you or that I wanted to be with you. Okay?”

  If Anya were just a friend, why didn’t he want me to meet her? Erik must have been in my head because he responded to my unspoken question before I could ask.

  “I knew you wouldn’t understand the relationship I had with her. I knew you would get upset when you found out. I didn’t think meeting her would make you feel any better about the situation. I wouldn’t have even asked for her help if I thought there was another option.”

  I sighed. I couldn’t be mad at him when he said stuff like, “I hope you’ll be my last” and “You are all I think about.”

  “I just wished you’d told me earlier,” I said.

  “Next time I ask a girl I’ve hooked up with to help us do something risky, I will run it by you first.” He tried to sound serious, but failed horribly. “Are we okay, Tals? I meant what I said. Everything between us is special to me. I don’t take any of it for granted.” Erik was solemn now.

  “Yeah, Erik, we’re good,” I told him. “I want to go with you, though. I want to know what Anya found.”

  Erik didn’t miss a beat when he said, “Of course. Get changed and we’ll leave in ten.”

  He gently pushed me back and leaned down, placing a soft kiss on the corner of my mouth. “You’re cute when you’re jealous.”

  Erik left to change into street clothes. I tried to keep my excitement in check as I pulled on loose-fitting jeans and a white tank top. The irregularities Anya found might prove to be nothing. She might tell me the same thing Dr. Thistler told me, that the chemical injection I’d received in Nevada was an unidentified compound and the best I could hope for was that, in time, The Agency’s medical research team would find a cure. She might tell me the blood transfusion was what was making me sick.

  While I waited for Erik to return, I debated whether to call Mac. He would notice my absence at dinner, but if I called and told him I was going out, he might say no. I decided to take my chances. Maybe he would be too busy with his Director duties. One could hope. At least this way, I would have time to prepare a better excuse than, “I think you’ve been lying to me for the past year, so my boyfriend went behind your back and had someone else analyze my medical records.”