Chapter 1: Sakusetsu

  I’m 28. No girlfriend. . Gamer brain. I ’t even talk to people properly without slipping in a game reference.

  My mom warned me—if I don’t get a girlfriend soon, she’ll kick me out.

  So, I’m drafting the ultimate pn to maximize my ces of dating a girl.

  “Kuhahahaha!” I ugh like a maniac.

  The blueprint is plete.

  "Don’t treat me like some generic protagonist—I’m different! I have a big brain! I won’t test this pn until I’ve maxed out every required skill to level 99!"

  Sed night spent training with my waifu, Yuka—the heroine I created back when I was bored with uy life.

  Depressed, I stay awake all night, determio vert my accumuted knowledge of romanime and eroge into real-life skills.

  Graduated from an engineering school, yet here I am—not designing meical blueprints, but...

  Slept through the entire day, dreaming of successfully taming a real-life female.

  "Kehehehehe…" I giggle like a degee.

  "SETSU!"

  "Haaah?? ick a fight, old grum?"

  "WHO are you calling old grum!?"

  Barely dodging her ining broom, I bolt out of the house.

  "Wait!"

  "Get a job and a girlfriend or NEVER e back!"

  SLAM—the door shuts behind me.

  Leaning against the doorframe, I ponder whether it’s possible to score a girlfriend with zero money, a tank top, and just my boxers.

  …Yeah, no. Life ain't an anime.

  "Goddamn Baba, have you ever sidered your naming sense? Setsu in sakusesu my ass…"

  The door suddenly swings open—BAM!—a sharp kids right on my ass, ung me forward.

  Before I even recover, my stuff es flying out after me—thud, thud, thud!

  Guess she’s serious this time.

  Right in front of my face lies my Ultimate Pickup Blueprint… and the suit I only wore on graduation day.

  "At least give me some money!" I bang on the door.

  Silence.

  …It’s over.

  Date or die.

  I either bring back a girl or starve to death out here.

  Wait. I remember having a friend—Kenji! We used to be close in high school until he dropped out to chase his dream of being a barber.

  Fshback:

  "Remember to call me, Setsu." Sad eyes, barely holding baething unsaid.

  —End fshback—

  Uionably a loser.

  I reato my boxer’s pocket, fingers brushing against the cold s.

  Dial.

  "Ya, Setsu calling."

  Standing in front of the dowdy barbershop, dressed in my suit—undoubtedly superrrr elegant!

  "Yo, Setsu!"

  "Kenji!"

  We ugh like idiots and hug each other. So heartwarming, just like Lucas reuniting with Bel.

  I’m Lucas, obviously.

  "Yah, Kenji, not bad. grats on fulfilling your dream."

  "Nah, things aren't going as pnned, man. I barely get any ers."

  "Don’t be so humble, my friend. Soon, I’ll be promoted to Chief of Innovation at Big Tech—IBT."

  "And suppose I should i in your potential to be a great barber."

  "Wow, really?! As expected of Setsu!" Kenji says with admiration.

  [iation Skill: Activated] – a teique I mastered from online games and eroges.

  I smirk and sigh dramatically. "Good grief… It’s not as gmorous as it looks. They dump endless work on me. I barely have time to catch up with old friends… or eve a haircut."

  "Fufufu, I got you, bro! I’ll give you the best haircut you’ve ever had!"

  Everything is going acc to pn. Kuahahaha! Kuahaha! Maniacal ughter echoes in my mind.

  Looking at the mirror, I’m supposed to be happy. But I ’t possibly force a smile.

  What am I doing with my life?

  So young, so full of potential… yet why am I so useless?

  "What's wrong? You don't like the haircut...?"

  Snap back to reality. No, I 't afford to break the illusion. I must pretend—pretend that reality is just aname.

  "Kuahahaha! Good job, Kenji! I’m just speechless at my own handsomeness!"

  Laughing out loud, I push the doubts away.

  Kenji grins, relieved. "Thank you, I guess."

  That smile—genuine, unforced. Maybe… just maybe… this is why he chased this dream, despite everything.

  I’m filled with envy.

  "Kenji, I borrow some money? Fot my wallet. Gotta catch a taxi to an important appoi. I’ll return it right after, okay?"

  "I got you, bro." He pats my back, like he's giving me some kind of ce.

  "Thanks." I take the cash, f a grin—trying to hide the bitterness crawling up my throat.

  Kenji pulls out some cash—old, kled—like he's been saving it for something, maybe to renovate his barbershop.

  I try not to think too deeply about it.

  He sends me off with a profound smile. "Good luck, Set-!" He calls me the way he used to.

  For me, though, the guilt crawls up my back like a shadow. I 't bring myself to say "Bye, Ken-" like I used to.

  I turn away, waving with one hand, while the other stays buried in my pant’s pocket, gripping Kenji's moightly.

  Using my best friend's hard-earned money, I drift off iel room.

  Yuka? Is that you?

  A beautiful high school girl—long bck hair, rge blue eyes, full of expression. Undoubtedly my design, my waifu.

  "Set, you are not useless. Yht us to life. You deserve better than this."

  "Yuka, but I—I..."

  "SO, get your ass up and follow your DAMN pn!"

  "AGHHH! You damn old grum!"

  I jolt awake. A dream?

  Haha, fuck it. There's nothing to lose!

  Chapter 2: The Pn

  Sugar, spice, and everything nice! ...Oh, wait, wrong show.

  Step 1: Flowers

  Pock, pock— hehe, easiest flowers of my life. Plug them straight from the hotel’s garden like a boss.

  "Hey! What the hell do you think you’re doing?!"

  “Shit!”. Proudly outrunning a weak old security guard.

  Step 2: Letters

  How do I get paper? Gnce around with predator eyes at a nearby park— little kids pying after school, so naive. I shall show them how harsh the world truly is.

  Sneaky, sneak— rummaging through a kid’s bag.

  These poor bastards. Why is there no pin paper? What’s with all these shitty drawings? Snap— pages from the middle of the notebook.

  "Uncle, what are you doing?" A boy notices.

  Quietly snap ane.

  "WaaAaAa!!!!" The kid bursts into tears.

  Gulp. “Shut up, you brat. Shut up, or I’ll call the police.”

  A girl, taller than the boy, runs straight at me and stomps on my foot.

  "Ouch!"

  "Do not bully Yuta-kun! Evil uncle! Grown-up but still bullying kids—Yuka hate!" Her eyes well up with tears.

  Yuka? This ’t be. This isn’t anime.

  "You think you fight me? I-I’ll call the police!"

  A firm hand grips my shoulder.

  " I help you?"

  "Hahahahaha." A deep, rough ugh bursts out from a muscle-headed figure—just arrested me for no reason.

  Who would’ve thought? The girl’s dad is a local cop.

  Kenji’s hard-earned moraded for ice cream—for the two kids and these corrupt authorities.

  You damn gover bullies. “Police, my ass.”

  "What?"

  "Nothing."

  "Yah, it’s been a long time since I heard su iing story." the old poli says, rubbing his bald head.

  "You sure you don’t want an ice cream?" His eyes are gentle—like he’s talking to a kid or an old friend from the past.

  Like I have money for it?. "Nah, I’m good. I’m not a child." I reply, trying to suppress my irritation.

  "Oh, ! Who says an adult ’t enjoy ice cream? Even this old man loves it—Gyahahaha!" He ughs like it’s something to be proud of.

  "Don’t worry, my treat." He hands me a chocote ice cream.

  Pay for yourself and your damn kid too, you old grump.

  "You remind me of my younger self—young and ruthless, stealing, breaking rules. How ironic, huh? A guy like me still mao bee a arry a beautiful wife, and have a cute daughter." The man spoke with emotion, pressing a finger under his nose.

  If this is true, then I’m living in an anime.

  "It’s oo te to ge, son. I got detained so many times just to see her. She got so frustrated that she made a deal—if I stopped doing stupid things, she’d be my girlfriend."

  "hought that would actually work out. I just wanted someoo talk to." He smirk.

  Go to hell, you lucky bastard.

  "Don’t worry, you’re handsome and bright. You’ll get a good one." He smacks my back—hard.

  "Alright, old man. I got a pn to execute." I stand up and leave in haste

  "Hahaha! You e by anytime and tell me more stories, son—Gyakakaka!"

  Not in a million years.

  Chapter 3: Operatio Girl (OGG)All things prepared.

  Having stolen a pen from the police station, I finish writing my love letters—no, my ultimate Level 99 rizz literature, carefully crafted from my extensive romantic experiences… fre and romanime, of course.

  Now, I need a target. But where?

  I stand in the middle of the sidewalk, deep in thought.

  "Tap, tap, tap."

  That familiar sound—no way!

  Big boobs. Short hair. Business attire.More importantly—this is the legend, the myth…

  Event A: The Fateful Enter.

  “Kyaa! My ankle!”

  I g her.

  …Why is she looking at me like that? Those are the eyes of someoaring at a scammer.

  “Uh, yeah, I totally just tripped on my own. Sorry for b you. Here, take this flower aer. You’ve been w hard, haven’t you? You deserve more aowledgment. Yup. Okay. Bye-bye.”

  I flee immediately, rambling nonsense like an absolute fool.

  “W-wait—”

  Nope. I’m gone.

  …God, real life is so much harder than anime. I almost shit myself from embarrassment.

  3 More TriesAhh, the atmosphere is so nice.

  I ’t even remember the st time I went to the park.

  I crouch down, toug the grass. "Sa sa."

  Wait… no way.

  Big boobs. Long hair. Long dress.

  Isn’t this… the rich girl type? She’s even feeding the ducks.

  Rich shy type.

  [ode: Activated.]

  Sneak, sneak—

  “Huh?”

  She shifts to the far end of the bench, away from me. Perhaps my strategy is w. Time to push harder.

  Slide—

  k.

  I hit the bench’s armrest.

  Before I recover, she moves to another bench.

  With the ducks...

  Challenge accepted!.

  “What do you want?” she asks as I move to her bench.

  I turn my head, fshing a cool, handsome smil—

  …Eh?

  She’s looking at me like I’m garbage. A pervert. A loli.

  “Ahaha, I was just w if I could have some bread, but, uh, I see it’s for the ducks! Thank you for taking care of nature! Here’s a gift!”

  ’t hahe hatred in her eyes.

  I flee with all my might.

  All my experien love… and I still misidentified the wrong type. Sitting on a public toilet seat, I doubted myself.

  As I thought. Reality is peak difficulty. Beautiful girls are always defensive and evil.

  2 More TriesI return to my old uy.

  “Ahhh, why is it so hard to get a girl?” I say, sitting on a bench, bming life itself.

  Hmm… Gsses. Reading a book. Small bo—

  Sedary school??

  “Hey, what are you doihis te? Go home, kid.” I criticize with the pride of adult privilege.

  “I’m 22, not a kid, uncle.” She pouts.

  Ahh, typical tsuhe type I hate most.

  “I’m not an uncle. I’m only 28. Take this gift a lost, kid.”

  “Eh? Who even uses letters nowadays? As I thought, you really are an uncle.” She giggles, looking at the letter.

  Uncle. Uncle. Uncle.

  The word echoes in my head.

  “I'M NOT AN UNCLE!”

  I flee i.

  1 More Try……Who am I kidding?

  It’s midnight.

  I’m sitting here, alone in the park.

  Homeless. No girlfriend.

  So cold…

  Sniff, sniff. I’m hungry…

  Mother…

  Chapter 4: Result"Urghh…"

  What a fresh experience—waking up with the sun shining straight into my eyes.

  If everything had gone acc to pn, I’d be standing outside my house, basking in my victory.If I were lucky, I should have gotten at least one…

  But—

  “Ahhh…”

  They’re all here.

  Last step: my ultimate ending.A lifetime of sacrifice, all for this moment—

  "My hare—"

  I freeze.

  From a distahey’re talking to each other, their expressions bitter.

  "All those words iter… the flowers… He even praised me for my hard work—something I’ve never experienced before." The office girl bites her nail. “Goddamn scammer.”

  “Ag all goofy… I actually fell for it. Thought he was a nice guy.” The wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing girl ches her fist.

  Abort mission. ABORT MISSION.

  All my cells scream at me to escape from this death fg. I slowly turn around and walk away.

  Yup, I’m just an i bystander.

  “Ah! There he is!”

  The damn small-boobed tsundere just gave me up.

  There’s only one solution—embrace their love.

  [Handsome mode: Activated.]

  “Ahh, my angelllllls—” approag with wide weling arms

  POW!

  A tiny fist smashes into my nose.

  “Why are men always screwing around like this?” The violent girl storms off, fuming.

  “Die. Die a million times. What a waste of air.”

  “Tch.” The office dy gres at me like I’m literal trash and walks away.

  “Uncle, you’re an iing man. Uncle.”

  The tsundere smirks, dabbing at my bleeding h her handkerchief before waving and walking away.

  "Kuhmnkuhu..."I sniffle.

  “Oaa—” I break down, sobbing like a damn kid.

  “Ara, Setsu! Where the hell have you been for the st 2 days, you stupid child?!”

  An old figure... It feels like years since I st saw her.

  "Mother!" I wail, throwing myself into her arms.

  I shove the st remaining gift into her hands, still g.

  Chapter 5: FailureReturning home, I realized too te… giving Mom that gift was a mistake.

  Fshback:

  "Mah, SETSU! How could you write this to your own mother?!"

  "Huh?! Wait, you weren’t supposed to read the letter—"

  WHIP.

  "GRAHHhh! TSUNDERE OLD GRUMP!"

  —End fshback—

  “Pfft… hahahaha.”

  It’s been a long time since I could ugh to the point of tears.

  I used to thiy was nothing but suffering, but it’s a damn edy.

  I got a part-time job.Told Kenji the truth—he uood, though he still wants me to pay the dam.

  Besides big anime and pying visual novels in my very generous amount of free time, I decided to pick up writing.Maybe I’ll eve bato drawing… making a game… who knows?

  Living isn’t about finding the meaning of life—It’s about creating meaning for yourself.

  Today, I used reality to describe edy.And edy to describe reality.

  “Tch, damn mosquitoes… If only they were anime girls.”

  What about you?What did you do today?

  To be tinued.

  The End