"What do you mean deviant?" Claudette asked.

  "Well, Ma'am,” Inquisitor Morrison said, “he was wearing a tight, rubbery outfit and a black mask.” He was sitting on the stretching table, legs swinging.

  “And this person… he somehow managed to out hustle not one but three of you?”

  “He ha’ a whi’,” said Fulvio, head inquisitor. His nose was heavily bandaged in gauze. He spat into a tin pot that was usually reserved for blood and other bodily fluids.

  “A what now?” Claudette said.

  “A whip, Ma’am,” said Inquisitor Ellis, who was still in that ridiculous helmet of his. He was browsing the racks of torture weapons the same way one would browse a newspaper stand. He put down a feather tickler and picked up an anal screw.

  Apart from the High Priest’s quarters, the torture chamber was their go-to secret meeting room where the secret inner circle of the High Council plotted and schemed. How disgusting. Not because of all the torturing — Claudette didn’t mind that, of course — but because of the stench and the bugs that crawled out of the cracks on the walls to lick clean the bloodstains.

  “He caught me off guard, tha’s all,” Fulvio articulated, slowly and deliberately. “But mark my words when I get my hands on him—”

  “You’ll what?” Claudette said, “Let him knock out some teeth next?”

  “Why you li’l…”

  Claudette tapped her staff on the floor. The anal screw flew out of Eliss’s hands to hover in front of Fulvio’s nose. Twirling the top of the staff, she weaved the air around the screw causing it to rapidly rotate.

  Fulvio glared at her, unflinching.

  To his credit, the man was fearless. Or maybe just too stupid to care. What he did have was ruthlessness in spades, which was how he rose to head inquisitor in the first place. All the same, never let an inquisitor do a high mage’s job.

  “Where is this deplorable bookstore, you speak of?” Claudette said.

  “The red li— er, entertainment district in Lowtown, Ma’am,” said Morrison.

  “I see. Inquisitor Ellis, ready the first squadron of the second templar unit.”

  “Yes, Ma’am.” Ellis stood at attention with a salute.

  “But what about the search for the elf girl?” Morrison said.

  “That can wait,” Claudette said, “It’s important to take a break from work every once in a while. What say we take a little stroll for some… entertainment.”

  “I like the way you think.” Fulvio snatched the screw from the air and flipped it in his fingers. His lips twisted into a toothy grin.

  Mud sloshed under Arthur’s boots as he trudged behind Elyas, Alice, and Shaggy. Elyas had woken them before the sun was up and told them to ‘put on their adventuring face,’ only to reveal they were visiting some guy’s house. Still, Arthur took the advice to heart and donned his chainmail and heroing gear.

  “What does this Charlie person have to do with anything?” Arthur asked.

  “I already told you. He’s a fortune teller.” Elyas was in his usual dark hood, underneath which hid a cache of weapons that could rival a dwarven armory, not to mention the bow strapped to his back.

  “But aren’t fortune tellers supposed to be wise old ladies?” Alice said. Shaggy was walking next to her. She petted him now and then; they had taken rather well to each other. Arthur was more of a cat person himself.

  “Hey, not all of them,” Elyas said.

  Arthur sighed. “What I meant was, why are we going to a fortune teller in the first place?

  “Think, boy. What’s the one thing we don’t have?”

  “A concrete plan,” Arthur said.

  “A fortune teller?” Alice said.

  Elyas held up a finger. “Information, kids. Information. Never make a plan until you have adequate info. ‘Know your enemy as you know thyself.’ ”

  The sky was brightening, and the rest of Belmont’s underbelly was duly waking up. They passed a farmer pulling a vegetable cart to the market. A woman whacked leaves off her gutter with a rake.

  Arthur scraped the mud off his boots on a patch of wet grass. “And we’re supposed to get this information from a palm reading?”

  “Ooh, you think he has a crystal ball?” Alice said.

  “Yes and yes,” Elyas said. “And then some.”

  “Please don’t tell me he’s going to use our astrology signs,” Arthur said.

  “You can find out for yourself.” Elyas stopped in front of a makeshift shack sandwiched between two rickety buildings. The windows were boarded up, and the roof looked like it might fly off in a storm.

  This was the place?

  Elyas rapped on the door a few times. When no one answered, he knocked again a little louder. The shabby door rattled, and Arthur half expected it to fall off its hinges.

  “Coming,” said a muted voice from inside the house. There was a general shuffling of footsteps before the door creaked open a smidge. A single wild eye peeked out. As soon as it saw Elyas, the door shut again. Several locks clicked, at least one chain was unhooked, and the door swung open.

  “Elyas, man, long time no see. Put her there.” The middle-aged man standing in the doorway had long straight hair that nearly reached his hips. He wore a sleeveless tunic with no undershirt, a flower necklace hanging from his neck.

  Elyas embraced the fellow like an old friend.

  Then the man saw Arthur and Alice, his eyes widening. “And who might these people be?”

  “Hi, Mr. Charlie, sir,” said Alice. “I’m Alice, this is Arthur.”

  “Whoa, how’d you know my name? Are you some kind of fortune teller?”

  Arthur couldn’t. He just couldn’t.

  A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

  Charlie’s eyes went to Arthur’s sheathed sword. “Wait, no, are you coppers?”

  “Nope. Just some friends of mine,” said Elyas, “We wanted to have a little talk. Wink wink.”

  Recognition flashed across Charlie’s face. “Of course, come in, come in.”

  Shaggy and Alice eagerly followed Elyas into the rundown house. The one with boarded windows. And a padlocked door. What could possibly go wrong?

  Alice poked her head out the doorway. “You coming?”

  Arthur rolled his eyes and followed her in.

  The interior was better than Arthur expected, if unusual. Everyone’s home smelled a little different, but this one’s aroma was exotic — a unique blend of rare spices, fragrant incense, and body odor. A thin mist hovered in the air, and the walls were adorned with bead necklaces, stone masks, and woodblock paintings.

  Charlie led them through his living quarters into a warm room. A dark crystal ball sat atop a wooden table in the center of the space. On tables lining the walls were bronze talismans, jade idols, creepy dolls, you name it.

  Charlie lit a lamp and set it on the floor. The light cast a shadow over his face. “Take your seats, friends, and open your minds.”

  Elyas and Alice plopped down on the cushioned chairs while Shaggy went off and curled up in the corner.

  Charlie, meanwhile, took out some implements from a drawer: a bag of dried-up leaves, a mortar and pestle, and a deck of tarot cards. “What’re you waiting for, man?” Charlie said as he placed the ingredients on the table.

  Arthur pulled out the chair opposite Charlie and sat down, Elyas to his right, Alice to his left. The door they entered through was behind him, and another exit was at the other end of the room.

  Charlie folded his hands across the table. “Let us first prepare by clearing our minds of all thought. Close your eyes and take a deep breath.”

  The three of them did what he said.

  “Let go of the past, all your memories and trauma,” Charlie said. “Now Exhale. Inhale. Let go of the present, your stresses, and troubles. Exhale. Inhale. Let go of the future, your fears, and worries.”

  This guided meditation went on for a while. Arthur had to admit it did calm him and clear his thoughts.

  “Now, open your eyes, and let us begin our spiritual journey through the cosmos.” Charlie ground some of the dried up leaves in the mortar. When he finished, he took out a match and burned the leaves. They let out a heavenly scent that filled the room.

  “Take a whiff of this, and let it fill your soul,” he said, passing the smoking leaves around.

  When the mortar reached Arthur, he scrutinized the leaves and wrinkled his nose. “Is this… fern?!”

  “It is indeed, my man,” said Charlie.

  “Nope. I’m not taking that, no way,” Arthur learned about this in high school. Just say no, he was taught. He pushed the mortar away.

  “You big sissy. Give it here.” Alice grabbed the mortar and eagerly inhaled the burning leaves. “Ahh, that hits the spot. Try it, Arthur.”

  “No,” he said. Just. say. no. “What are we even here for, again?”

  “To get our fortunes told,” said Elyas.

  “Whoa, can I get my fortune, too?” said Charlie.

  “You’re the fortune teller,” Arthur said.

  Charlie stared at Arthur like he was seeing him for the first time. “Are you some kind of copper, man?”

  Arthur slapped his forehead.

  Alice giggled. “You look funny,” she said to Charlie.

  “Aw, thanks, man,” Charlie said.

  The flickering lamplight cast dancing shadows on the walls, so as Alice laughed, her dark shadowy form laughed behind her. The eyes of the jade figurines seemed to glow, and did that stone head just blink?

  Nope, impossible. None of it was real. Arthur couldn’t afford to lose his head, especially since it seemed to be the only one in this room that contained a brain. “Could we get to the point. Aren’t you supposed to read our palms or something?”

  “Whoa, I can do that?” Charlie gazed at his hands in awe.

  “Do me, do me,” said Elyas, reaching out his palm.

  “I’ll try, man.” Charlie took Elyas’s right hand in his left and lightly brushed his thumb over the palm. “Hmm. The universe is telling me your name is Elyas…”

  Arthur slammed his head on the table. WHY ME?

  “...you are a private adventurer. And you will have two children…”

  Elyas and Alice stared in awe, enthralled.

  Arthur wanted to go home.

  “Forget about the palm readings.” Arthur pointed at the crystal ball. “Why don’t we try that?”

  “How does it work?” Alice asked.

  “Here, take it.” Charlie picked up the orb and put it in her hands. “Ask a question, then shake it like you mean it.”

  “What should I ask?”

  “Anything you want.”

  “Okay,” she said, fiddling with the ball, “Who are my biological parents?” She shook the orb for a good 10 seconds then let it rest on the pedestal.

  Dark clouds rumbled within the glass surface. After the tempest settled, a streak of white formed near the orb’s top. They all stood up to get a closer look. On its upper side were the words in white: “Reply hazy, try again.”

  “Ooh,” said Alice.

  Charlie nodded approvingly.

  “But what does it mean?” Elyas said.

  “I think it means you have to ask it again,” said Charlie. “But rephrase your question to be more precise, and make it a yes-or-no type.”

  Alice grabbed the ball once more. “Are my biological parents alive?”

  The ball answered: “Signs point to yes.”

  “It said yes!” Alice said.

  “I wouldn’t get my hopes too high,” Arthur said, “I’ve heard of these gimmick toys before. It’s just a die inside a ball. Gives you a random answer from a specific set of responses.”

  “Hey, you never know,” Elyas mused.

  Alice grabbed the ball again and shook it. “Will I ever meet them?”

  The ball answered: “Better not tell you now.”

  Alice pouted like a puppy in the rain and put the orb back in its place. “I’m done. Why don’t you give it a go, Arthur?”

  “I’d rather not,” Arthur said.

  “I’ll try then.” Elyas picked it up and gave it a good, hard rattle. “How do we beat the Inquisition?”

  “He just said yes-or-no questions, only,” Arthur said.

  “Shut up. It’s settling.” Elyas was on his toes.

  How the hell did this guy manage to survive on his own for so long? Perhaps Arthur really should change his name and skip town.

  “I fear the boy is right, Elyas,” said Charlie, “You won’t get far with that old thing. If it’s detailed instructions you want, then we must use… the cards.”

  Charlie slipped the deck of cards out of its box. Elyas and Alice watched with bated breath as she shuffled them. Arthur let out what felt like his hundredth sigh.

  After he finished, Charlie dealt the cards to all four of them until they each had five. “Everyone, take a look at your cards, but don’t show them to anyone.”

  Arthur picked his up. They were larger than regular playing cards, with colorful images and fancy fonts. He had one card with a couple of rocks, one with a sword, another with a crown, and… Ugh, why even bother with this nonsense? He slapped the cards face down on the table.

  “Ah, fooey, bad hand,” Elyas said, “Charlie, got any emperors?”

  “Nah, sorry, man. Go fish.”

  Elyas picked a card from the deck, took one look, and clicked his tongue.

  “My turn,” Charlie said, “Elyas, do you have any fours?”

  Elyas pursed his lips. He took two cards from his hand and slid them over.

  “Sweet,” Charlie said. “Alice, do you have any fours?”

  Alice peeked over her spread of cards. “No, siree.”

  “Aw, man.” Charlie took a card from the deck.

  “What is the point of all this?” Arthur said.

  “My turn, my turn!” Alice said. “Charlie, do you have any nines?”

  “Aw, man, you got me.” Charlie handed over a card with nine wands on it.

  Alice turned her attention to Arthur. “Do you have any nines?”

  “No,” Arthur said, “Now can we go to the part with the actual fortune telling?”

  “But you didn’t even look at your cards.” Alice’s ears were like a dog’s tail. When she was happy, they perked up. When she pouted, they sank.

  Maybe Arthur was a dog person after all. Feigning interest for the moment, he peeked at his cards. “Nope. Go fish.”

  “Dang it.” She drew a card from the pile. Her ears instantly stood up. She slammed five cards face up onto the table. “Flush!”

  Charlie threw his arms up. “Wowza!”

  Elyas slow clapped.

  “Does this mean I win?” Alice asked.

  “Yeah, man,” Charlie said, “Now you get to choose someone who has to take off one article of clothing.”

  Alice giggled again and glanced toward Arthur. “I pick you.”

  “That’s it, I’m out of here.” Arthur stood up.

  “Aww, don’t go,” Elyas said. “We were just having some fun.”

  “A waste of time is what this is.”

  “Look, man, if you don’t want to strip, then I’ll do it for you,” said Charlie.

  “No, don’t!”

  Charlie slipped out of his vest, the only thing separating them from his saggy man boobs.

  Arthur groaned. “Don’t get naked. All you need to do…” deep inhale “... is interpret. The. Cards.”

  “You want me to tell you what the cards mean?” Charlie said.

  It was all Arthur could do not to pull his hair out. “Yes.”

  “That’s easy.” Charlie pointed at Alice’s cards. “The Death card means she’s going to die.”

  Alice gasped. Elyas’s eyes widened. Even Shaggy’s fur stood on end at the word.

  “Like you needed tarot cards to tell that,” Arthur said, “We’re all gonna die.”

  “Yeah, but Death could also mean a rebirth or transformation.” Charlie pointed at the next card. “The Hanged Man means she might be persecuted, but it could also mean a release or perhaps a sacrifice.”

  Alice hung on every word he said.

  Charlie then pointed to the third card. “And the Branish Inquisition means—”

  “Wait,” said Arthur, “There’s a card for the Branish Inquisition? I didn’t expect that.”

  BANG!

  The door burst open and in barged a woman, a bald guy, and a man with a gauzed up nose, all wearing familiar red robes.

  Fulvio locked eyes on Arthur. “Nobody Expects the Branish Inquisition!”