“There’s something weird about this table, dear.”

  With his armed crossed, Rob stood in the living room, staring at the wooden table they had dragged home. It should have been a mess. After everything it had been through, it should have at least a scratch, a crack, a dent. Bumps, crashes, near-total destruction, and one propulsion into the air happened! But it didn’t. It looked… fwless. There was even some sort of sheen on its surface as sunlight cast its glow on it.

  The old man, Lena’s father, barely looked up from his workbench. “You’ve been overworking yourself, son. I told you to stop staring at furniture like it’s going to start talking to you.” He’d never told him that. He then waved a dismissive hand. “Go eat something before you start hallucinating. Fill that empty stomach of yours.”

  Rob sighed, running a hand down his face. Maybe he was tired, but that didn’t expin why the table was completely unscathed. But Table was sure he wouldn’t want to go through all the trouble expining to the old man that they had just gone through a near-death experience.

  “I’ve told you. The table is blessed, dear.” Lena showed up from the kitchen holding a huge pot in her hands. She put it on the table carelessly with a plop. This pot was twice as big as the one Table had had to carry before, yet there was no stat change to him.

  I am now the Master of all tables, Table thought. Such trivial tasks mean nothing to me.

  Master Bimbleton, for all his fws, had kept his promise. Ten silver coins and five hundred copper coins, without a single coin missing. The money they’d received meant they could buy new crops and repce all the old kitchenware in their house, but only after paying for Rob’s treatment.

  There was one thing left to upgrade.

  “We’ve been given good fortune,” Rob said solemnly. “It’s only right that we honor this table properly.”

  Lena turned to Rob, her gaze filled with gentle devotion as she wrapped her arms around his neck. “Thank you, Robert. You were really cool. I wouldn’t trade you for anyone else, you know,” she murmured.

  What about me? I was cool too. Did you see how I dodged that puddle?

  Rob huffed a small ugh. “Not even for someone with a better sense of humor?”

  She grinned. “You’re the best, most reliable man I know, even if you wouldn’t know a joke if it smacked you in the face.”

  Rob chuckled and pulled her into a hug, holding her close.

  From what Table’d observed and heard, this couple had been married for three years—and they still acted like they were on their honeymoon.

  The old man cleared his throat loudly. “Oi. Don’t hug each other in the house! Do that somewhere else, like in your bedroom.”

  Table, in the wisdom of his wooden soul, thought, But the bedroom is part of the house.

  “I’ll be back soon,” Rob kissed Lena on the back of her ear. He had to carefully conceal his kiss so the old man could not see. “Gotta give the table a reward.”

  Oh? A reward? For little old me? I mean, you don’t have to, but...

  With that, he left the house. Only now, Table had a moment of piece to check the boon of his hard work. With Lena sipping soup on his back, he opened his status table.

  Adjustable Angle? Only 2 degrees?

  The skill looked absolutely useless, but he knew better than to scoff at a skill that had saved his life in a life-or-death race. If only I have something, someone, some cat to test the skill on.

  Table eyed the unsuspecting feline lounging nearby. Lazy and completely oblivious to the scientific breakthrough about to occur.

  With the power of Adjustable Angle (2°) now at his disposal, he focused all his nonexistent muscles, his very essence, into making it happen.

  Alright. Move. Just a little.

  For the first time since arriving in this world, he felt something. A shift. A tiny tilt. He moved—2 degrees to the left.

  The cat’s ears twitched.

  The fmes of encouragement burned in his mind, and he had to try again. 2 degrees to the right.

  The cat stopped grooming itself.

  Again. Left. Right. Left. Right. A show of power I must be demonstrating!

  The cat’s pupils dited.

  It is trembling in fear! Surely it’ll be on its four little feet and dart away—

  A hand spped on its leg. “Stay still!” Lena grunted. “I’m trying to eat.”

  [-5 HP]

  Minus 5? Minus 5?!

  Lena, who spent most of her time leisurely wandering the market, eating snacks, and occasionally scheming, had the sheer brute strength to smack five hit points out of him with a single sp.

  How the hell is she so strong? She does nothing all day! Does she go to the market and wrestle cows or something?

  Not to enrage the powerful human being eating on him, he stayed put. The cat, no longer sensing the impending doom of a demonic possession, stretched zily and curled up again.

  Table sighed internally, checking his other boon.

  [+5 ATTRIBUTE POINTS]

  Where to put them?

  He had come to the conclusion that as an inanimate object, Perception and Endurance were the most important skills. He was sick of nearly snapping in half every time something hit him, and if he couldn’t move well, at least he could see the threats coming in advance so he could mentally prepare for his death.

  2 for Perception and 2 for Endurance, it will be.

  With 1 Attribute Point left, his vision hovered over STR. It had been absolutely useless so far. He wasn’t able to move! However…

  I have to think about the long run. When I can eventually move, I surely will need to whack the butt out of some poor souls. I’ll need some firepower.

  And with that, 1 point for STR.

  Another status notification showed up: Are you happy with this distribution?

  He selected Yes.

  Hold on. There was this one thing that had been on Table’s mind, but he might never likely get an answer for it ever. He barely contributed anything except for some well-timed dodges. Not that he had much agency, but shouldn’t the rewards have gone to Rob and Lena instead?

  A system notification showed up:

  [Rewards are fairly distributed among all relevant contributors.]

  Wait. So Rob and Lena have potentially gotten even more EXP and stats gain? But can they interact with the system like I do? Not that it mattered most of the time since many rewards are immediate stats gain anyway, but what if they level up? How are they going to distribute the extra attribute points they’re given? Maybe they don’t; and that’s an unique perk I gain from having a system. Albeit an annoying one.

  Okay, one question gone.

  But how fair is this fairly?

  Another notification overrode the existing one.

  [Rewards are VERY fairly distributed among all relevant contributors.]

  Sure...

  Nonetheless, there was still this skill Appraisal. It was supposed to be an Active skill, but right now, it was as Passive as it could possibly get. Status screens of his opponents had whimsically showed up without warning, and when he tried to channel his inner power and forced some information out of Lena, nothing showed up. Nothing!

  This skill is useless if I can’t use it! And he could not rely on the system for anything. It doesn’t expin at all unless it’s rubbing salt in my wounds, penalizes me for smart decisions, and rewards me for getting sat on.

  Answer me then, System. How do I use this skill?

  No answer.

  Answer me!

  Still no reply.

  Of course the System was not going to give him answers to questions he actually needed answers for.

  But Table was foolishly determined if anything.

  He had to make it work.

  He concentrated every fiber of his being, and willed Lena’s status screen to appear. Nothing. He focused harder. Nothing. He leaned 2 degrees. Nothing. He screamed internally. Still nothing.

  Desperate, he tried every method he could think of—mentally chanting Appraise over and over again, imagining an invisible force shooting from his wooden frame, even attempting to wiggle slightly in hopes that movement would activate it.

  Nothing.

  Table was about to abandon hope when—

  Lena finished her meal with a satisfied sigh, brushing the st few crumbs off her p. “I love cabbage,” she muttered to herself, pushing back her chair.

  Table barely paid attention, as he was still fuming over his completely dysfunctional Appraise skill.

  Then, it happened.

  As Lena turned to gather the dishes, her butt bumped into his edge.

  Ding!

  A status screen instantly materialized before him.

  NameLena OakwardRaceAnimated Human (Human)CssUnsuspecting MageLevel???HP???MP???STR97END???AGI???PER???SkillsSmall Talk Mastery (???)Persuasive Bargaining (???)Household Diplomacy (???)Sorting Shiny Pebbles (MAX LEVEL)??????

  Ninety-seven strength! This woman was as strong as an orc! And what the hell was Household Diplomacy?! Did she settle kitchen disputes in her free time?!

  Also, was she a Mage? How could one be an Unsuspecting Mage? Did she graduate from Mage Academy without knowing? What part of her was mage-like?

  This world is just utterly bizarre in so many ways. But somehow it is... weirdly compelling?

  A strange desire bubbled inside Table. It was as though getting stronger wasn’t the only reason he wanted to level up anymore. He needed to explore this world and all its bizarreness. He needed to know how an Unsuspecting Mage became an Unsuspecting Mage. He needed to find out if he was the only sentient furniture in this realm. He became curious. And it might be a dangerous thing.

  Curiosity kills the cat. Preferably Tabby.

  But I’m not scared of danger. That’s the only way a mere table can get stronger anyway.

  Her status screen faded away as she walked out of the room. Wait. How did that screen appear again? Did she just bump her butt onto me?

  Lena soon returned with a damp cloth in hand, humming a tune as she approached. Table knew that this would be his best chance.

  He needed to confirm his theory. For science.

  As she wiped the surface absentmindedly, Table waited. Patience. Precision. Perversion.

  Then, she reached for the far corner of the table. Now!

  He ever-so-slightly adjusted his angle.

  As she reached for the far corner, he adjusted his angle. With just a tiny push, he tilted himself toward her upper thigh.

  Nothing.

  Not a single status window popped up.

  The thigh doesn’t work! It has to be the butt!

  Before he could process the absurdity of this revetion, Lena frowned. She gave him an unimpressed look, then smacked his surface with a sharp thwack.

  “Stop being wobbly.”

  [-3 HP]

  What? He was literally a table. He didn’t wobble. That was a carefully executed scientific experiment!

  Now he had 3 HP left from sitting in the living room providing normal furniture functions.

  C’mon. I need to confirm this. Can I rub butts and see stats? Lena, please, turn around. Rub your butt on me. Just one rub, I promise. Just one rub! I’ll be good I promise. Just one rub!

  She walked away with the cloth in hand.

  He whined. He moaned. He despaired. His one chance at valuable intel was gone.

  Then…

  Tabby sauntered onto the table like it owned the pce. It did that annoying cat thing where it stared into the void, then casually lifted one leg and started licking its own butthole.

  Table cringed. Why now? Why here? Have you no shame, foul creature?

  Tabby turned around… and rubbed its stinky, unholy cat butt against his surface.

  Ding!

  A status screen popped up.

  Target nameTabbySpeciesDomestic MenaceHP160/160STR???AGI???DEX???INT???END???PER???Passive SkillsNine Lives, One Attitude – Minor injuries regenerate over time.

  Feline Grace – Cannot be caught. Ever.

  Owner’s (Specifically Lena) Favorite – Gains invulnerability when being watched by humans.

  Butt Licking – He can lick butts good.

  There it was, the Appraise skill, confirmed by a cat’s butthole.

  It stinks!

  But that was beside the point. Now, he had an even bigger problem.

  How was he supposed to get people to accidentally rub their butts on him whenever he wanted to see their stats?

  NameTableRaceAnimated Furniture (Table)CssNoneLevel2EXP7/50HP3/11MP0STR4 (+1)END12 (+2)AGI18PER13 (+2)SkillsAppraisal (Level 1)

  Adjustable Angle (2 Degrees)