CHAPTER: I – Warning! Malevolent Beings!
There was a story about the “Heroes of Old” – “World Walkers”, they were called. Otherworldly beings summoned by the Gods, Loved by the Gods, Empowered by the Gods. Clad in shiny armor, weapons forged from the fangs of a divine beast, wields un-channeled magic so powerful that it rivals the devastating power of a dying star. Those that are adored by all, the saviours of humanity, the sword and shield of the weak and oppressed, the end of the wicked and unjust. They are The Heroes of Terra! Admired by their courage, selflessness and noble qualities. Willing to take risks or make sacrifices to help others. Fighting not for glory but for honor! Disregards…. Okay okay…. You get the point….
Following through…
These so-called heroes are the blessings that the Gods bestowed upon humanity, to fight the most evil, ugliest, stinky, rotten to the core, has breath that smells like a dead pixie’s fart, has dirty yellow toenails, nastiest, did I say stinky? Filthiest monstrosity, mankind and God alike has ever seen! An abomination at its finest! – The Demon Lord Vestredes!
Okay… hmmm… where was I?
Oh yeah! The Heroes of Old!...
As the heroes set out on a perilous yet enjoyable trip to slay mankind's number one nuisance, the demon lord Vestredes was picking ghoulberries for her ghoulberry pie. Unbeknownst to her, dangers sought her out – to claim her head!
“GRAHAHAHAHA! DIIIEE FOUL BEAST! TASTE THY FIST TO THY FACE!” With a single swing, Bardock the Warrior laughed as he punched a jagged hole in the Ogers noggin. “NYARHAHA! ONE HIT AND – BAM! WOOO-HOOO! YEAH!”
“We should've.. “om-nom-nom” brought the “mrrmnfff… burp!...” griffins… We could've been “urrrp!...” there hours ago!” Said Maya the Warmage while eating some huffpudge under a tree.
“We shouldn't even be in this stupid quest to slay some fugly fart in the first place. If you didn't lose the bet with Mr. Shiny Underpants here, you could've just cast two to three overgrown fireballs into a spatial rift that leads to the crone's castle!” Gaia the Saint nonchalantly vented.
“As long as we know the location and see it, even through a scout’s eyes – (pertaining to a skill called “Second Sight”, humongous fireballs plus spatial rift would be the best way to go.” Added Gaia.
“Why should it always be me?” Maya snarled back. “You can just cast revive on her and she'll be washing dishes for Terra in no time!” – (Referring to Terra the Goddess of Light).
“NYA-HAHA! YOU MISSED! HAVE AT YOU DEMON! AGAIN! COME AT ME WITH MORE POWER!” – (Bardock's antics could be heard as he toyed with the harpies).
“Cast revive? How? Through spatial rift? You know I need to see my target in person when casting holy spells. By the time our scout sees the demon lord, it'll be in third person…” Gaia said jokingly. “Besides… let's say, even if she's in sight, she isn't “undead”, she's demon kin, it won't work on her.”
“Okay! Okay! I get it!... Just pull me up will you, my legs are cramped up… Hey! Murdock! Pack up! We're leaving! Hmmmm-yaaaah!… Now where is north?...” Gaia yawned as she glanced at the map.
“BY THE GODS… BARDOCK! IT'S BARDOCK!” Barcock shouted as he ran to catch up with the two.
*Now moving forward…
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Aaaand so the heroes continued to set out on their journey, to slay the Lord of Darkness and his vile minions. To end the century old war between demon kin and mankind, to finally achieve peace that once flourished, now forgotten.
As the Heroes of Terra slayed the last of the demon lord's minions, they finally stood upon “The” door.
A door leading to the throne where the final decisive battle will be forcefully put into motion.
Warrior Hero Bardock faced his comrades and said.
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“Behold! Mightiest of all!
“This is the end! Peace within our reach!”
“Though death is nigh, none shall falter!”
“Blessed be our pain!”
“The Gods are watching!”
“Let's give them a show, shall we?”
“For peace, for honor, for the Gods!”
Bored and irritated, both Maya and Gaia answer respectively.
“Uh-huh…”
“Sure, sure… Let's just get on with it…”
“Aaaaaaaargh!” Bardock shouted in anger as he kicked the door open, wishing it was both his companion’s faces.
“AAALL MIGHTY FORWARD KICK TO THE DOOR THAT IS BLESSED BY THE GODS!”
BAAAAM!
At the same time, trying to eavesdrop by putting an ear on the door, Vestredes’ eyes widened as she heard some brute shouting his intentions to kick her door open. With just a limited amount of time before the impact, she pulled her cheek away from the door and Shadow Phased backwards, awkwardly smirking like nothing happened.
Although she knew what was happening, the demon lord Vestredes still got startled as the heroes burst through the door.
Her mischievous giggling turned into shock and panic as she frantically tried to act cool and said.
“Eeeex-cuse me? What do you guys think you're doing?
“Barging in a lady’s quarters, all sweaty, screaming like the buffoons you are!”
“I'm trying to have my nighty-night-tea-time here!”
(An open bottle of whiskey is seen next to her cup.)
“DIIIEEE DEM…”
Bardock stopped as the annoyed Vestredes interrupted him “mid-shout”.
“Sssssssssshhh!... HUSH YOU OVERGROWN WEASEL!”
“Do you even need to shout?... Sheeeesh…”
“You could wait outside, I'll be with you in a few…”
“GEEERTRUUUDE! GERTRUDE!” “Give these fine young lads, except for the loud overgrown weasel, some tea will you… Gertrude? Yooo-hooo!”
Tonk! Tack Tack Tack….
Vestredes starred as Gertrudes head landed near her feet.
“Oh dear… What have you done this time?...” Vestredes continued with a sigh of disappointment.
Trying to see where Vestredes is at, Gertrude sluggishly answered…
“Your benevolence… It wasn't my traps this time!”
“I was sitting by the door, picking my… I meant guarding the entrance, when suddenly this hairy dude, clad in this RIDICULOUSLY shiny armor, popped out of nowhere!”
“He took a swing at me with his also, over-polished sword, that radiated my eyes out of existence, Your Magnificence!”
"Excuses, excuses…” Vestredes muttered.
“You were “guarding” for Pete's sake! Guarding!?”
“If you were guarding, then you should've been in an “on-your-guard” state, riiiiight!?”
“Yes yesss...Your “Majestificanceses”, but as I told you, “shiny”, I got blinded by the shininess and wasn't able to react accordingly. My bad though, my bad…” Gertrude said as he rolled his head around in circles.
Bardock, outraged by their “seemingly laid-back conversation”, swiftly interrupted. “ENOUGH!”
“DIE YOU MONSTER! YOU DON'T BELONG IN THIS WORLD!”
(Gertrude frowned and thought to himself – “Where'd I hear that phrase?”)
“It is not by my hand that I am once again given flesh, but by your people's malevolent wishes to their own kind.” Vestredes rolled her eyes and answered.
“SsSHUDDUP MONSTER! YOUR LIES ONLY GIVE TRIBUTE TO YOUR UNGODLY FACE!”
“UN-GOD-LY… FA..CE? Perhaps the same could be said of you, you overripe potato! Vestredes hastily rebuttaled.
“SSHUDUUUUPH MONSTAH!”
“MY FACE WAS BLESSED BY THE GODS THEMSELVES!”
“YOUR WORDS ARE AS EMPTY AS YOUR SOUL!”
“MANKIND ILL NEEDS AN ABOMINATION SUCH AS YOU!”
Bardock, flustered, now reaching his limits…
(Gertrude, still frowning, closed his eyes, bit his lower lip and said to himself. – “I've heard this before…. But where?.... Hrrmmmm…”)
Vestredes turned her back on Bardock and glanced at him from her shoulders.
“It is I who should be saying that… Humanity is inherently flawed… Mankind ill needs a savior such as you. They need someone who they fear, someone who could put them in their place… a master without control over his people leads to disorder and eventually, their tragic demise, but…”
Vestredes rubs her chin and adds.
"What is a – man...? (Tosses teacup, which breaks)."
Bardock, now at his limits.
"SHADUUP SHADUUUPH! MY BRAIN HURTS!”
“I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS NONSENSE!”
“WE SHOULD BE FIGHTING NOT TALKING! NOW HAVE AT YOU DEMON!"
“GRRRAAAAGH-DIIEE!”
“TAKE THIS! – SHINING SWORD STRIKE BLESSED BY THE GODS!”
CLANK!
CLAK! CLANK!
“Do you think your flimsy sword arts would have an effect on me?” Vestredes laughingly said while flicking off Bardock's flashy attacks with her finger.
“HOLY SMITE!”
“Nuh-uh! Won't work!”
“HOLY SMITE! HOLY SMITE! HOLY SMITE! HOLY SMITE! HOLY SMITE!”
“Stop spamming holy smites you retard! I told you it doesn't work!” Vestredes bellowed out and now parrying with kicks.
“HOLY SMITE!”
“Nevermind…”
Vestredes mutters as she casts tier 9 forbidden magic of the Dark Epsilon Carinae.
“MEGALITHIC EXPANSION! DOMAIN OF THE DEAD! SOOOOOUUUL-STEEEAAAL!!!”
“AAAAAAARRRGH!” Halted by pain not of physical nature, Bardock screamed as he knelt and grabbed his chest. (In the most dramatic way ever.)
“FULL-HEAL! LvL9-REGEN! QUAD-BARRIER! HASTE x7! REFLECT! TITAN STRENGTH! STEEL SKIN! RECAST PREVIOUS SPELLS x3! plus… LvL9-HOOOOLY!!!”
“CRUEL SUNS! TETRA-BLIZZAGA! METEORA STRIKE! BLACK HOLE! SYPHON FILTER BEAM! OVERGROWN HUMONGOUS FIREBALL x5! ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION! SAAAAN MIIIG LIIIGHT! MEGA-SARDINES! ”
Both Gaia the Saint and Maya the War Mage, multicasts to support Bardock the Brute… Erm… Warrior.
Bardock, still in pain “Uh… it's about darn time you guys…? You use “chant-less magic” for crying out loud! What took you so long?!??”
Sparks bounced around as Gaia squats down, pointing a finger on the floor as she etches sad faces with magic. She meekly says… “We thought you had it…”
Walls all crumbled, fire running ablaze, dust & smoke seen everywhere and Gertrude's head nowhere to be seen. The battle of the century fell into a stalemate…
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“REVIVE!”
And so…
With all heroes joining forces, nothing happens…
But with one measly attempt… A “maybe”, a “what if”, a “just in case”, Vestredes finally succumbed to her wretched fate.
“I KNEW IT! I FREEEAAKING KNEW IT!”
“I TOLD YOU! I FUDGINGLY KNEW IT WOULD WORK!”
Said Maya the Warmage as she accepted 15 gold coins from Gaia and 3 gold coins plus 11 silver coins from Baldur the Bard… Erm… Warrior.
Staring at the remains of the demon lord Vestredes, the now crumbling residuals from the demon lord's heart. Pieces of dark, crystal-like, fragmented shards slowly fade into the wind. Faint light flickers as her aura diminishes into and out of the cracks. As if it is trying to survive, clawing at her throat, gasping for air.
“They say that peace is attained through war. Maybe… but for the few, war is attained through the absence of peace. To obtain peace one must first diminish peace. To achieve that goal one must do everything and stop at nothing.”
– Gertrude.
“Mankind has won.
Peace finally arrives.
The question is… how long would it last?
How long till another demon lord is reborn?
The cycle continues… With war, comes peace and vice versa.”
“WHOO-HOO! HIGH-FIVE!” Stupefied by thoughts that aren't his, Balrog snapped to reality and turned to his comrades while enthusiastically raising his hand.
Again… Nothing happened.
No one was there to high-five…
He sank his chin into his chest and dragged his feet towards the portal that Maya made, cursing as he wished that, one day, after he defeats a demon lord, someone would high-five him back. Someone would notice his worth. “One day…. One… day…” Muttered Butthurt the Blessed.
