First of all, there is indeed a pan cosmic Uber big fella, AKA God. They are above all and knows all and from their omniscient, omnipresent and omnipotent fingers sparked creation…

  Well, at least that’s what brings quite a lot of sentient beings comfort anyway. The other alternative is that there is no God, no higher power, no guiding hand. Stuff just happens or maybe it doesn’t? I guess what I am getting at is that no one really knows how it all started (as in the entirety of everything and this literally means everything), it just did so in a manner beyond comprehension so enough said on the matter. Unknowable questions are exactly that … or are they?

  Anyway, what exists as opposed to what doesn’t is the multiverse and it is big.

  It is very big.

  It is really very big.

  It is really pretty very big.

  It is so really pretty very big that it makes the concept of infinity seem somewhat limited and finite.

  In fact, it is so really pretty very big that if your cerebrum, custard like in consistency, cooked up in the swamps and savannahs of East Africa were to grasp just 0.00000001% of just how big the multiverse is, the electrical overload would cause the custard of your brains to explode.

  Incidentally, Custard is also an Australian Indie Rock band formed in 1989, Brisbane, Queensland.

  Now the multiverse, well … the ‘pan cosmos’ as it is referred to by some of its inhabitants, is just so eternally immense that even if you encased the entire Milky Way galaxy inside a giant Dyson Sphere in order to power a behemoth quantum computer, the nanosecond you flicked the switch and started the galactic sized quantum computer computing the question of just how big is the pan cosmos, all of the stars in the Milky Way galaxy would burn out instantly as every last quantum drop of fusion is squeezed from them to power the immense computation … this would result in the galactic sized quantum computer shutting down almost instantly, it wouldn’t be a long winded process at all, no, not at all, yes, nowhere near as long as this long winded sentence. So, let’s all just be at peace with the idea that the pan cosmos is very big, enough said.

  There is a more pressing question… What does the pan cosmos contain? Within the limitless boundaries of the pan cosmos, exist an infinite number of realities. Some are universes while others are realms running as computer simulations. Some are universes running on very big computers running simulations while some are mini-multiverses in their own right, running as fractal computer simulations on very big but also small computers. Some are by-products/waste products of consciousness and imagination, conjured in immaterial realms that defy the norms of common sense, somehow existing in a state of nonexistence, and yet exist. The list of realities that exist in the pan cosmos is itself infinite and therefore pointless to continue to describe.

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  A creator or an oligarchy of creators formed some realities while other realities spawned from nothing and are really just a complex form of nothing. A handful of pop science media tarts from planet Earth believe this to be the case for our universe. It is an unsettling yet immensely satisfying claim that helps them to sell tickets for their lectures and copies of their books.

  However, although some universes do indeed emerge from nothing and are just complicated forms of nothing, nothing can be further from the truth for our universe. Our universe was indeed created, albeit by accident and as a by-product of a higher dimensionally divine folly. It was created without intent, should not exist and frankly, no one cares or notices that it does.

  So how did it begin?

  It is a convoluted story but rest assured, I will do my best to explain what his fuggliness farted into my brain…

  For I am the conduit, the scribe, das profit Jimmy James.

  Our universe exists as the result of a paradox.

  The ancient Greeks conjured the concept of a hunky alpha male sky daddy who lived on Mount Olympus. This alpha-agro-turdwallop-megalocunt threw thunderbolts at mortals when he was in a bad mood and transformed himself into animals when he was in a frisky mood. Now of course this guy didn’t exist in our universe because he was just a figment of imagination. However, as a figment of imagination, he came into being as a thought form in an immaterial realm. In other words, he came into existence in a realm that has no existence. Makes perfect sense, right?

  Anyway, the Greeks called this fellow Zeus and along with him, the Greeks thought up his entire family. Eris was one of his daughters. She was the goddess of chaos, strife and discord. Zeus was perpetually angry and disappointed at Eris. In fact, it was a hobby of his to put her down, insult her and to forever hit home the fact that she was a nuisance, a nobody, a no-good skank who would amount to nothing.

  It was following one particular barrage of verbal abuse that Eris, in all of her eternal, infernal anger and contempt for her father, decided to channel all of her rebellious rage into the creation of a pet. So, on one fateful Friday afternoon, Eris decided to get more inebriated than a Triquillion parakeet feasting on fermented Acturan apricots.

  In the ecstatic heights of her euphoria, Eris played with her pottery wheel. While listening to Wynona’s Big Brown Beaver by Primus, she moulded a creature of pure mischief, a bipedal, humaniform canine, three feet of muscle-bound epic awesomeness, beefed up and chill like Willie Nelson toking on a peace pipe … Bloke the Bulldog (treats be upon him).

  Soon after, Bloke did the predictably unthinkable, he took a huge Niagara Falls category whiz on Zeus’ slippers. Seriously, not even Cairns novelist Ian Prescott Daley who wrote the literary classic The Yellow River, could creatively pen enough hyperbole to describe it.

  Anyway, the problem was that it wasn’t just Zeus’ ordinary pair of polyester crap slippers that his wife Hera shoplifted from Best and Less, no, oh no. This pair that was epically soiled had sentimental value. It was the pair Zeus took from the ashes of the great king Ozymandias after smiting him with a thunderbolt. Consequently, Zeus cast Bloke the Bulldog from Mount Olympus, sending the pancosmic foot monkey to the Celestial Pound.

  While on doggy death row, Bloke formulated a plan with Schrodinger’s Cat and Rodney Red Rocket. Schrodinger’s Cat distracted the guards by faking his own death while Rodney Red Rocket fired up his booster engines and rammed the wall of their jail cell, triggering quite a Big Bang.

  And in the spirit of Sputnik 2 or perhaps Major Kong from Dr Strangelove, Bloke climbed onto Rodney Red Rocket’s fuselage. Rodney redlined his booster engines, and the duo fled the Celestial Pound and made a run for it out into the pan cosmos. So it was that Bloke the Bulldog and Rodney Red Rocket found themselves almost forever on the run.

  As for Schrodinger’s Cat, well he was a patient puss. He knew that sooner or later, his brother Chesh would break him out of the Celestial Pound using as assortment of weaponry from the armoury on their home world Fondue – temporal distortion bazookas, plasma cannons, lava revolvers, fusion grenades, photon shurikens, spent kitty litter cluster bombs, powered battle armour … the whole nine lives.