Bloke the Bulldog figured out pretty quick that Zeus was a butthead.

  To Bloke, Zeus embodied the penultimate of primordial thuggery and hypermasculinity. In other words, he was a gung-ho, malevolent macho nacho powered by a mercury switch ego.

  Yes, Zeus was a complete butthead.

  This celestial corn dog sowed his wild oats with or without the consent of helpless mortal maidens.

  Zeus was a predatory butthead.

  When he grew bored of his first wife, rather than filing for divorce at the Celestial Courthouse and putting Mount Olympus up for sale, Zeus tricked his ‘boring’ wife to turn into an insignificant fly, which he ate in a sushi roll with blind indifference and wasabi on the side.

  Zeus was a cold and sadistic butthead.

  His second wife was his sister. When Zeus grew bored with her, he took on a mistress, which was his other sister of course.

  Zeus was an incestuous butthead.

  He was happy to leave his human creators as primitives who suffered in darkness. When Prometheus helped humanity with the metaphorical gift of fire, he enlightened their world. Prometheus gave humanity the gift of potential.

  In typical butthead fashion, Zeus was fired up about this. Why, he was the alpha, he was the top dog, King Kahuna, big banana, zenith of zucchinis, father of Frankfurt’s, master of members, wizard of wands, tyrannosaurus of totalitarian tools, ad infinitum. His ego couldn’t handle the threat of rivalry. Full of his usual wrath and toddler-like rage, which consumed so many gods, Zeus condemned Prometheus to an eternity of torture and agony.

  Because Zeus was a big bad butthead.

  To top it all off, he convinced Pandora to open her box and thereby unleashed great evils upon the Earth and why?

  Because he was a psychopathic butthead who just wanted to watch Primordial Earth burn.

  From Eris’ balcony, Bloke would drink a VB and smoke a durry while looking down on Primordial Earth with great sadness and immeasurable sympathy. The mortal men would call Zeus father for who could be sure if this wasn’t the case? The illegitimate sons (and daughters) of Zeus were abundantly plentiful.

  Because Zeus was the worst kind of butthead.

  Mortal men both feared and emulated him. To them, Zeus was the cosmic template for an alpha male. They aspired to be like him, mistaking his cruelty and wickedness as virtues in a seemingly barbaric world.

  The women of course knew what he was. They knew what he embodied. That he was a complete and total butthead.

  How tragic it was for men to emulate cruelty and wickedness because they believed it was just a ‘dog eats dog’ world, thought Bloke. But what they didn’t understand at the time, he thought, was that the world wasn’t inherently cruel…

  It was simply indifferent.

  You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.

  Indifference is just cause and effect. However, it lays the foundation for the algorithm of natural selection. Stripped back to its bones, this algorithm was the engine that drove evolution. It had no outcomes beyond ensuring the emergence of novelty.

  Although the algorithm favoured competition amongst individual units in the beginning, over time patterns of cooperation between individual units for mutual benefit would arise. These patterns of community would succeed earlier patterns of individual competitiveness. Take the evolution of eukaryotic life and the subsequent explosion of multicellular life as primordial examples. For there is strength in numbers when the many moves as one.

  When the many move as one, they become one…

  So good, such goodness, so great … the greater goodness.

  So elegant, thought Bloke the Bulldog, such a great way to cast light into the void and illuminate a path towards the pan-cosmic big fella, AKA God, for God equates to all that is good. He enjoyed the idea so much, he conjured up a proverb in his bulky, Besser block of a brain.

  For the greater goodness, for when the many move as one, they become one.

  The early outcome was multicellular life forms competing against others. Fast forward beyond the explosion of multicellular life, natural selection sometimes crafted a world filled with sentient, tool making organisms.

  These organisms would form tribes competing with similar tribes. Tribes would grow larger, increasing their strength in numbers, forming societies that occupied vast swathes of territory, nations. These nations competed against each other. As a result, they pushed their engineering of warfare to the point of wielding weapons of mass destruction.

  However, the peace theorem of mutually assured destruction, ensured the algorithm of natural selection, selects only those groups who can foster temperament, harness forbearance and cultivate patience. Most importantly of all, those who are lucky enough not to let their bombs drop due to mistaking something like a flock of migratory winged organisms for a thermonuclear launch instigated by ‘the enemy’.

  Those societies who could learn to coexist with each other, would eventually unite to form one, worldwide tribe. A tribe capable of harnessing all of the resources and energy available on their home world.

  Likewise, the algorithm of natural selection also ensured that only those civilisations cognisant of their environment survived. A defining attribute of intelligence is the ability to understand that one simply does not defecate where one eats. This is a toxic endeavour plunging an intelligent toolmaking species towards planetary suicide.

  As such the algorithm of natural selection worked as a cosmic filter. It protected the pan cosmos from buttheads who would spread out into space like a cancer, damaging biospheres and setting up burger chains across the cosmos.

  Buttheads were incapable of progressing beyond type 0 to type 1 on the Kardashev scale, let alone expanding to become a type 2, 3, 4 or a type 5 civilisation such as the Intergalactic Federation of Semi-Aquatic Guinea Pigs.

  There were exceptions of course, usually caused by freak accidents. The algorithm of natural selection was a great cosmic filter, but sometimes through chance, happenstance or ‘divine’ intervention, buttheads slipped through the cracks. Such buttheads were extant just long enough to cause widespread chaos across multiple universes.

  But everything has its purpose in the great drama of existence, including the buttheads who just want to knock over anthills. Take for example the iridium rich asteroid that snuffed out the dinosaurs – what a butthead. However, without that mountainous lump of cosmic fudgening, mammals would still be relegated to gnawing out an existence as scavengers. Little rodents hiding from those big, lumbering dinosaurian boof heads.

  Prominent examples of other such buttheads include the Daemon-Shih-Tzus, Mingers, Nagans and the Ninja Gorillas from Beyond the Moon. But alas, we have plenty of time to integrate this bog-like quad of douche bags into the narrative.

  Oh, I almost forgot to mention the Herrenrasse, but I guess those almost unmentionables are in a malevolent league of their own. Fortunately, macho nacho buttheads, including all of the buttheads mentioned above, are inevitably destined to self-destruct, catapulting headfirst into the pan cosmic fossil record.

  You live like a butthead, you die like a butthead.

  It was quite poetic, thought Bloke, that from the blunt algorithm of natural selection, applied to cosmology, biology and sociology, wise, intelligent and compassionate beings would arise. Custodians of their respective cosmos and eventually, proud custodians of the pan cosmos.

  They were the true ‘gods’, not born from the bowels of Bronze Age brains but from the algorithm of natural selection, forged over billions upon trillions, upon quintillions, upon sextillions, upon septillions, upon octillions, upon nonillions and decillions of years … ad infinitum.

  Now with regards to Zeus, thought Bloke, what humans didn’t realise was that they collectively conjured Zeus from their ‘kill or be killed’ masculine angst. From archaic archetypes of selfish, competitive individualism.

  It was a doomed form, considered Bloke. In the long run, the pan cosmos dispensed with buttheads to favour sages.

  Zeus, it turns out, was a redundant butthead.

  Bloke the Bulldog knew that every action, no matter how seemingly small, had consequences.

  From the smallest spark, rages the wildest inferno. From the tiniest idea, rages an unyielding proclamation.

  So, one evening, asechoed down the hallway from Ares’ bedroom, Bloke trudged towards Zeus’ favourite slippers and let a defiant, yellow river rip.