In a flash of pink and purple light, the Cerebral Rodentia jumped into orbit above the planet. She was a state-of-the-art exploratory science vessel, forged from the quantum field and commissioned by the Intergalactic Federation of Semi-Aquatic Guinea Pigs. The Cerebral Rodentia was crewed by 300 souls, all true bloods, some of whom possessed the greatest scientific minds in the Federation.
It wasn’t common place for a Federation vessel to be exclusively crewed by only semi-aquatic guinea pigs. The Federation consisted of over a billion-trillion space faring species from trillions of universes. As such, one might say that it was common occurrence to see a multitude of species on a Federation starship. However, the Cerebral Rodentia was an elite exploratory science vessel and the nature of her mission was classified as ‘Beyond 11-Dimensional Uber-Top Secret’.
As such despite the open multi-species doctrine of the Federation, the nature of the crew’s mission was deemed to be too sensitive to share with other species. In fact, beyond the hull of the ship, only General Montgomery Ignatius Proudsworthy and certain members from the Council of High Wisdom on their homeworld Cavia, knew of the existence of the mission.
Captain Einstein Raggamuffin sat reclined in his porcelain white hover chair. His fur was long with multicoloured patches. His head fur was styled into dreadlocks flowing from beneath a Rasta beret. His pot belly was quite pronounced and mostly silver … physical traits which made him highly desirable amongst the females of his species.
Raggamuffin pressed a button opening a secret compartment in the right arm rest of his hover chair. From the compartment he retrieved what could only be described as a ginormous funny cigarette. Raggamuffin used some kind of mini-laser that fired from a ring around his left middle finger to ignite the end of the behemoth bunger. He took a deep drag, holding it in for a few seconds before breathing out a wondrous plume of smoke, “Status report Gertrude thanks, along with a string and other scientific mumbo jumbo,” asked Ragamuffin to the young female helmsman.
“We jumped successfully into this Jogoku class universe Captain,” replied Helmsman Gertrude. She did her best to focus her attention on her holographic consoles but gave in to temptation and glanced back at the attractive captain and his virile pot belly. “Minimal bulk turbulence,” she said, “brane transition and particle synchronisation of ship and crew to the fundamental physical constants of this Jogoku class universe are now complete. We are in orbit of the … evil planet Captain.”
“Good Gertrude,” Ragamuffin turned his head, “activate the bridge main view screen Helmsman Sigmund.”
“Yes Captain.”
The planet appeared on the screen. It was bright green with swirls of lilac clouds and snakes of blue river deltas branching out across the surface.
Captain Ragamuffin reviewed sensory data on his holographic display, “Mmmm… Well, so far as scientific and astronomical gobbledygook goes, what I am about to blab is an absolute corker,” Raggamuffin leaned back in his chair, took another long drag and said, “Gaia class Super Earth, dense and impenetrable jungle from pole to pole, vast river systems across the surface,” he gave his pot belly a jolly good rub, “the planet has an impressive diameter of 80,911.73 kilometres. The inner core consists of uranium, hafnium and boron analogues. What an interesting configuration of elements,” he said as he twitched his button like nose, “without the hafnium and boron analogues the planet would never have formed beyond the early stages of the protoplanetary disk as the uranium analogue would undergo critical mass.
“The mantle consists mainly of analogues of calcium, magnesium, silicon, iron, aluminium, sodium and potassium,” Raggamuffin stroked his chin fur, “it predominantly possesses a silicon-dioxide analogue crust with a nitrogen oxygen analogue atmosphere at 4.7 ATM. The gravity is a crushing 41.72 G. The mantle is typical of Gaia class worlds but the core is extremely dense. It is like if the planet’s volume consisted mostly of uranium analogue but was condensed into the inner core,” mused Ragamuffin. “It truly is astounding that the hafnium and boron analogue percentages and configurations in the core are perfectly balanced to prevent critical mass of the uranium analogue.
“The average surface temperature is 38 degrees Celsius. The biosphere appears to be inherently hostile, typical of a Gaia class world inside a Jogoku class universe. However even so, the inhospitable nature of this planet’s biosphere is off the charts. The apex predators compete against other apex predators from the top to the bottom of food webs … even the plant life is hostile, classified as binary autotrophic-heterotrophic,” Ragamuffin slammed the arm rest with his prehensile paw, “by Bloke’s red lipstick this planet is a meat grinding monster factory.”
“She’s big, heavy, hot, steamy and nasty sir.”
“Thanks for that astute but rather crude observation Science Officer Terence,”
Raggamuffin said as his flicked the spent roach in annoyance. He turned his head towards Helmsman Gertrude, “You called it the … ‘evil’ planet Helmsman Gertrude?”
“Yes Captain,” she said as her cheek fur blushed.
“Science Officer Terence,” Raggamuffin said.
“Yes Captain.”
“Enter a name for this planet into the astronavigation database.”
“What name should I input Captain?”
“Call it…” Raggamuffin pondered for a moment while stroking his chin fur, “planet … Evil.”
“Aye, aye, Captain,” replied Terence while he imputed the name into the astronavigation database, “this planet will hence be known as planet … Evil.”
Raggamuffin used both prehensile paws to draw circles on his fluffy pot belly before activating a ship wide announcement, “Crew, this is the captain squeaking. As you know, our beloved Federation forbids the exploration of Jogoku class universes. The status quo is of the opinion that it is best to remain ignorant of the horrors spawned in such universes of pure chaos, pure … evil.
You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.
“And crew,” Raggamuffin said as he leaned his snout towards his vidcom, “we are in orbit of a planet so evil that we detected its psychologic B.M.F. radiation leaking out from this Jogoku class universe and into the Greater Bulk, polluting the very fabric of creation itself.
“So, from now forth it will be officially known as planet Evil … well, once the planet is eventually declassified of course. If that is, it is ever declassified. To be frank,” he said as he leaned back in his chair, adjusting his fluffy mass, “this planet is so … evil that just orbiting it for too long will have a detrimental effect on our mental health and wellbeing. So please, ensure that you preoccupy yourselves between shifts with reruns of funny sitcoms. Personally, I would recommend sitcoms from late 20th to early 21st century Primordial Earth. Something like Seinfeld, Friends or Everybody Loves Raymond should suffice.
“However, despite the harrowing psychological stress that we will collectively endure while in orbit of this diabolically hellish world, as scientists it is our duty to turn over every stone and discover what might lurk beneath. We cannot be ignorant of the horrors. Knowledge is and always shall be, the Federation’s greatest weapon against the darkness. For the greater goodness.”
“For the greater goodness,” echoed the bridge, along with every crew member on board the Cerebral Rodentia…
All except the crew in engineering who suddenly found themselves in a fire fight with an intruder who dimensionally jumped right into the heart of engineering with beam weapons blazing.
It was a humanoid wearing a strange, armoured environmental suit. The suit was sleek and dark like the event horizon of a black hole. The only contrast were the initials M.R. inscribed in burgundy red on the left chest plate. Strangely enough, from the suit’s speakers blasted
The crew in engineering put up a valiant nine and a half second fight before all 18 of them were vaporised into puffs of pink mist.
The humanoid walked over to the main zero-point energy collector for the ship and magnetised a grenade to its outer casing. It stepped back, thumped the M.R. insignia on its chest with its right glove and disappeared in the flash of a dimensional jump.
Moments later the magnetised grenade exploded, damaging the zero-point energy collector causing it to shut down.
“Captain!” cried Helmsman Helga. “The main zero-point energy collector is offline!”
“Weapons fire, multiple murders and Tom Waits detected in Engineering!” squealed Helmsman Otis, “and an explosion in engineering ruptured the hull in the adjacent garden chamber … before nanotech repaired the rupture, explosive decompression caused a bowl of petunias to be blasted into space.”
“By the dangling fuzzy dice of his holy fuggliness,” sighed Raggamuffin, “not a bowl of petunias, that was my favourite flowers to munch on in the garden.”
“Captain,” said Helmsman Gertrude as she glanced back without restraint at Raggamuffin’s glorious pot belly, “ship wide systems failure … we’re plunging into the planet’s atmosphere.”
“By Rodney Red Rocket’s fiery engine,” resided Captain Einstein Raggamuffin, “divert all remaining power to life support … crew,” he said as he activated a ship wide announcement, “prepare for crash landing … and may his holy fuggliness, help us all.”
The Cerebral Rodentia burned like a fiery sperm whale as it plummeted towards the surface of the planet. Shields were down but the hull of the science vessel, brushed off the searing 6941 degrees Celsius of friction like it was a mere swarm of locusts, slamming their backsides through their brains and into a windscreen of impenetrability.
“Brace for impact,” said Captain Einstein Raggamuffin to the crew across the ship wide intercom.
The ground rapidly approached and clearly, it was in no mood to be anyone’s friend.
In the dense jungle below, species of apex predators were busy hunting each other, killing each other, eating each other and pooping out what was left of each other.
The materials science of the Semi-Aquatic Guinea Pigs was unparalleled across the known pan cosmos. When the Cerebral Rodentia crashed into the ground, it just kept going, gunning it right through the mantle and then some. It was like a knife through butter, a fist through paper, Khabib Nurmagomedov so righteously through Connor McGregor.
“Captain,” said Helmsman Gertrude, “we have passed through the crust of the planet and are descending towards the core.”
She was somewhat fearful, but her attraction to Raggamuffin’s gloriously fluffy pot belly offered distraction and gave her comfort.
“I think I can divert just enough power from life support Captain to fire up our gravity thrusters,” said Helmsman Sigmund, “but we’ll need crew to vacate decks 9 through to 12 so I can shut off life support to these decks.”
“Do it,” replied Raggamuffin, “we cannot afford to lose velocity on the other side of the core and become trapped inside this hellish planet.”
Ragamuffin turned on the intercom, “Attention crew on decks 9 through to 12, I repeat, decks 9 through to 12 … immediately vacate these decks via the emergency slippery slides and sliding poles. You have approximately 180 seconds to do such as life support will be switched off. I repeat … crews on decks 9 through to 12, you have approximately 180 seconds to vacate these decks before oxygen, atmospheric pressure and temperature control are switched off for these decks. That is all.”
Approximately 180 seconds later, Helmsman Sigmund switched off life support for decks 9 through to 12 and diverted the additional power to the gravitational thrusters.
“We have enough power to maintain the thrusters for 20 minutes sir.”
“And how long will it take us to traverse these planetary bowels and re-emerge on the other side of this world?”
“About 15 minutes Captain,” replied Helmsman Sigmund.
“Jolly good,” remarked Raggamuffin, slapping the armrest of his Captain’s chair with his right prehensile forepaw, “but I have to ask, who is playing that epic music on the bridge?”
“It’s just something the ship’s central AI was listening to Captain,” replied Science Officer Terence, “before the main zero-point energy collector went off line. I believe it is a song called .”
“Ah yes,” smiled Raggamuffin, “One of only a few epic bands that was capable of aligning the planets in any given star system in any given universe. Well,” pondered Raggamuffin, “almost any given star system. To align star systems in evil universes like this one, you would need the likes of .”
“Actually Captain,” began Science Officer Terence, “the BMF radiation from this planetary system would overwhelm Wyld Stallion sir.”
“Mmmm,” pondered Raggamuffin as he stroked his chin fur, “I deduce that supporting acts would be required?”
“Yes Captain,” Science Officer Terence replied, “from brief calculations I just performed, you would require the combined musical might of four specific supporting acts to align the planets in this system.”
“And the names of these bands Science Officer Terence?”
“, , and , Captain.”
“What a fine ensemble Science Officer Terence.”
“Indeed Captain.”
“Most indeedly indeed.”
“Indeedly so Captain.”
“Oh, indeed.”
About 15 minutes later, the Cerebral Rodentia burst from the jungle floor on the other side of the planet and beached itself like a behemoth metallic whale.
“All crew commence emergency repairs,” said Raggamuffin into the intercom, “all surviving crew off duty from engineering are to immediately report to engineering … we simply must have the main zero-point energy collector back online, if we are to depart this planet.”
“Helmsman Harold?”
“Yes Captain?”
“Review the surveillance log from the attack in engineering.”
“Captain?”
“Cross reference the footage of that murderous vagabond with our onboard Federation databases … see if we can identify this villainous fiend.”
“Yes Captain.”
