David sat down on the stairs in the main lobby, where he could people watch and still keep an eye on Angel’s office, while Spike wandered over to talk to Angel. What on earth am I going to do now? I’m supposed to be done. I’m not supposed to be here. Not supposed to be seen – don’t particularly want to be seen, if I’m being honest. He was so lost in his own head that he almost missed Spike walking past him, headed for the doors of the building.

  “Where you off to?” David asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

  “Gone. Out of LA. I am not gonna get stuck haunting this place forever. Screw that.”

  “Oh. Yeah. Where we goin’?” David realized what he’d said as soon as it left his mouth, but he was already on his feet and tried to keep up as Spike started walking faster.

  “We? We aren’t going anywhere. I am leaving by myself. And you’re barmy if you think I’m letting you tag along.” David tried to fight the rising panic back down.

  “Oh come on. It could be fun. I don’t exactly want to just hang out around here either, you know.”

  “Then you can walk in the opposite direction as me. Now piss off!” They’d reached the doors to the lobby now and Spike was getting irritated. He was not about to spend anymore time with this lunatic. He’d done his time with crazies. Dru alone was more than enough insane travel partners for multiple lifetimes. He paused at the door, looking out at the sunny day. It had been a long time since he’d been able to step into the sun and not turn to dust. Spike had wanted to savor that first step into the sun, but with David close on his heels he rushed out trying to get away from him faster. He held his coat tightly to him, and walked through the doors squinting into the sun waiting to see if there was some great cosmic joke and he would in fact burst into flames. He didn’t. But he didn’t feel the sun on his face either. He still felt nothing at all.

  “Come on William!” David called out. At that, Spike couldn’t take it anymore.

  “I said piss off!” Spike practically shouted at David as he spun around to face him, emphasizing the last two words before punching David square in the face. David fell backwards onto the ground, completely unprepared for the fist that had come flying at him. They stared at each other for a minute in shock.

  Finally David spoke. “You … you punched me!” He seemed surprised and hurt, but not angry like Spike would have expected.

  “So I can’t touch anyone except the crazy bloke. This day just keeps getting better and better,” Spike exclaimed as he spun around and started walking away. David sat there for a moment struggling to process what had just happened. It had been a very, very long time since he’d felt anything at all, let alone the pain that had lanced across his entire face. His nose was stinging so badly that his eyes started to water. As the shock began to wear off, the realization of what had just happened began to sink in. He'd felt something. A painful something. William had just punched him. No, he corrected himself, Spike had just punched him. Was that the man or the monster? Did it matter now that he had his soul back? He wasn't sure anymore.

  Years ago he would have been happy to have felt something. Anything. For so long, he'd wished he could. Wished for anything. Any kind of contact. Now, the pain that had started in his face was spreading over his entire body as his nerves seemed to come back to themselves. They'd felt something. He both wanted to never have to feel again and to feel everything all at once. The tears that had been stinging his eyes began to spill, while his throat felt like a knot so tight he'd never be able to untie it. People sidestepped around him, pointedly avoiding any type of direct eye contact. He didn't want to talk to any of them anyway. They couldn't help. No one could. His body was on fire and he couldn't speak, couldn't see, couldn't even hear anything anymore. He pulled his hands to his ears and pinched his eyes tight trying to remember how to find himself again. His head began to pulse hard, and he could feel another wave ready to come crashing down on him.

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  He tried to take ragged breaths. Spike was hurriedly walking away and he was about to lose sight of him. The memories came in flashes. Little blips this time instead of a full wave. The first time he'd punched that boy in the school yard. Lessons when his father had taken him to learn to box. His father reminding him to breathe through the pain. That the shock would fade. The time he'd accidentally cut his hand with that knife. The feeling of embarrassment and wanting to hide the cut, but the blood was dripping on the floor. His mate’s concern seeing the bandaged hand later and the chastising he'd received.

  The last part was what finally made him undone and he lost himself again, the memory spilling over from a splash into a full blown wave and he was drowning in it.

  ***

  "I was careful!" David defended himself.

  "Had you been careful, you wouldn't be wearing a bloody handkerchief around your hand, now would you?" William said more than little upset. He clucked and fussed over David's hand, pulling the handkerchief off to examine the damage. "Does it hurt?" David nodded, grinning sheepishly at William.

  "Yeah. But it's not as bad as it looks," David tried to reassure William. He was lying of course. His hand hurt like hell and throbbed where the knife had sliced clean through the skin. He'd been trying to practice throwing a knife around and had caught the wrong end.

  "Good! Maybe that will keep you from being so careless next time!" William said angrily. He was worried about his friend. Ever since he'd lost his parents, he'd been acting more and more careless, like he wanted to get hurt. Sometimes William was even afraid to leave him alone. Afraid that in his grief, he'd do something just as careless as this. William busied himself cleaning up the wound and wrapping it in a fresh bandage. His voice had been a little harsh, but his hands were gentle as he wiped away the dried blood and applied the ointment.

  "Sorry," said David as he watched William cleaning the wound. His skin felt like it was lit on fire where William's hands were, and he would have happily died in that fire. It was one of the only times he felt anything these days. Food had lost it's flavor. Sounds seemed muted. Colors dim. Every time he closed his eyes he saw their bodies. Saw the flames. Smelled the burning flesh. When William was done, he kept holding David's hands and looked into his eyes.

  "I mean it. I don't know how to re-attach fingers, and I don't fancy explaining to Mother why there's a pool of blood on her favorite rug," he said looking David squarely in the eyes to be sure he was listening. David couldn't help but smile at that. "Sorry Mother, David just couldn't resist testing how sharp the blades were on his own. I did tell him to try it with an apple first, but you know how stubborn he can be when he really puts his mind to something!" That did it. David started to laugh, and William allowed a smile to show on his face.

  "Oh alright. Alright. I'll be more careful," David said, rolling his eyes. William nodded, mollified for the time being. He squeezed David's hands gently before reluctantly letting go to clean up the evidence of what had happened before his mother could find it. He wasn't kidding. He didn't fancy listening to her chastise either of them. Besides, their tutor would be there soon, and they'd both neglected to finish the work they’d been assigned the day before. William moved over to his desk and began to work while David moved to stand and look out the window humming to himself. He stood there for a long time, not even looking at anything in particular, just humming the tune that had become second-nature to him by now. Some days he would sing the lyrics, while others just the feeling of the humming in the back of his nose or lower in his chest was enough to help him find his center.

  "Early one morning, just as the sun was rising …" suddenly there was a knock at the door. The tutor had arrived. David cursed to himself. He'd really meant to sit and do the work too, but had gotten so lost in his own thoughts. Hopefully their tutor would be in a forgiving mood today. David flexed his hand, feeling the throbbing become more intense as he took a deep breath and stepped away from the window and moved towards his own desk next to William's.

  ***

  David came to himself in front of Wolfram and Hart. His body still felt as though it were on fire, the tears hot on his face. He was humming to himself, and he could feel the knot in his throat slowly loosen. He took a few ragged breaths, and opened his eyes. Men and women in suits, dresses, skirts were still filing around past him. He looked in the direction Spike had gone, but realized he'd likely gotten lost in the crowd. He stiffly rose to his feet, sniffling as he arose. He wiped his face with the sleeve of his sweatshirt, first one side and then the other. He stuffed his hands back in his front pocket, and took off walking quickly after Spike. He needed to stay close by, but he really didn't want to be punched again. The moment he thought about the punch, his body became tense all over again and his head throbbed. Just bloody brilliant, thought David. First I’m stuck here back again, and then I’m getting punched. At least the wave wasn’t too long this time, he consoled himself.