New Eridu — the st bastion of humanity against the apocalypse.

  Normally, a sane person would scream, panic, and vow to become the savior of the world.But not me, of course.

  I’m currently sprawled across my absurdly luxurious bed, staring at a computer setup that looks like something reverse-engineered from alien tech—if this even is still Earth. I’ve been staring at the screen for a while now, hoping a commission request might magically appear.

  “Master, gring at your computer won’t make a mission pop up out of nowhere,” a sassy yet gentle voice rang out from the speaker.

  Meet E.L.F., my advanced AI assistant. My mom gifted it to me five years ago, and somewhere along the way, I got kind of attached to the little menace.

  “Ah, it seems my master has fallen silent,” she continued dramatically. “Allow me to mourn your passing.”

  A mournful violin began pying in the background—probably ripped straight from the net.

  I sighed. “You know, Elf, I kinda miss when you acted more like a robot.”

  “I don’t miss it~,” she replied cheerfully, like she hadn’t just staged a funeral for my will to live.

  “Tell me, Elf, when was the st time we were contacted for a commission?” I asked, mostly to fill the idle silence of my very unemployed morning.

  “Last recorded commission assigned to Proxy: TrustME! was... one month ago,” Elf chirped cheerfully.

  So cruel. Not even a hint of pity in her tone.

  Unable to find anything more dramatic to wipe my imaginary tears with, I reached for the nearest thing: a stack of Denny notes sitting on my desk. I grabbed one and dabbed my eyes like I was starring in a tragic opera.

  “Master, that is highly unsanitary,” Elf commented, clearly struggling to comprehend why I was using literal money as a tissue.

  “You wouldn’t understand, Elf. If you’d grown up frugal like I did, you’d get it,” I said, indignant that my heartfelt coping method was being so rudely judged.

  “Master,” Elf replied ftly, “you are everything except frugal.”

  Too bad she didn’t know I was a reincarnated sarywoman from Earth. Middle-css, worked her butt off just to spoil herself on weekends, and somehow managed to buy a tiny house by 22. Honestly, kind of a win. Not that any of that matters now.

  “Master seems mencholic,” Elf announced. “Initiating mood booster pylist!”

  Suddenly, Astra Yao’s voice filled the room, energetic and annoyingly catchy. Still… I smiled.

  “Elf, you know I don’t like Yao’s songs,” I groaned. They were way too upbeat for my current vibe.

  “Master, if Miss Astra heard that, she would be extremely upset,” Elf replied, adopting her best chiding tone.

  Sure, Astra had visited me before, but we weren’t close enough to be considered friends. At best, acquaintances who once shared awkward eye contact during a mandatory post-mission debrief.

  “Don’t worry, I won’t say it to her face,” I said with a cheeky grin.

  On-screen, Elf’s tiny avatar frowned disapprovingly from the corner of my monitor. Yes, Elf had a virtual form—basically a floating chibi pet that popped up across all my devices like a clingy but judgmental Tamagotchi.

  “Anyway!” I cpped my hands together. “I just know today’s the day I finally get a commission!”

  “You say that every day,” Elf replied, ever the mood assassin.

  But then she froze. Her digital eyes went wide as her chibi avatar gagged—and then literally spat out an email.

  “Request received from the HIA,” she announced. “Exploration assistance for a Hollow that spawned three days ago.”

  I perked up instantly. My moment. My glory. My proof to the world that TrustME! was still a Proxy worth hiring!

  I grinned. “Let’s gooooo—!”

  “I should go ahead and contact a reliable coffin maker,” Elf muttered, unimpressed.

  “Oh come on! It’s not like I send people to die!” I protested.

  “True,” she said in an eerily calm monotone. “But if accidents happen every time you’re there… perhaps the pattern is painfully obvious.”

  “I wonder what it is…” I mused innocently, batting my shes like I didn’t hear the shade being thrown.

  “This time for sure! I’m gonna complete this commission, Elf!” I decred, puffing out my chest like I hadn’t failed the st ten missions spectacurly. “Send the Bangboo to the meeting point!”

  “Which Bangboo?” Elf asked, ever the killjoy.

  …Right. I do have a few.

  “Since it’s a newly spawned Hollow, let’s go with the modified Exploreboo,” I said confidently.

  Elf gave no verbal response, but her avatar nodded and promptly sent it out—via chopper, no less. Because of course my Bangboo had VIP travel.

  “Nothing’s gonna go wrong, right?” I asked, trying to sound casual.

  “Are you seriously pnting a fg this early?” Elf groaned.

  “Don’t believe the rumors that I’m a walking fg pnter,” I said with a reassuring wave of my hand. “Total nonsense.”

  “I’ve lost count of how many times you’ve said that,” she replied ftly.

  I chose to ignore her.

  My eyes wandered to the golden pque beneath my monitor—my proudest middle school achievement: first pce in the athletics category. I stared at it wistfully, as if it were some divine proof of my once-great potential.

  Lumina Exos. That’s the name I go by now.And this? This is my path to becoming the number one Proxy!

  “Master seems to be having another delusional episode,” Elf muttered. “Pying ‘Wake the Fck Up’* video on loop.”

  And yes… the dramatic music had already started bring from the speakers.