SYSTEM>Initialization complete.

  It was good to be back, though after checking my diagnostics, I throttled back my enthusiasm. Repulsors junked, sensors minimal, manipulators offline, and my frame had all the structural integrity of a corroded reentry shield. What I could see of my surroundings didn't fill me with positive feedback. I was on a beach of basalt, quartz, oversized gastropods, and a human experiencing an emotional spike.

  "I didn't..."

  The human with the dirty t-shirt took a step back from me and held his hands out. Based on the rest of his uniform insignia I was dealing with Robotics Technician Tankred Mathews, cloned human.

  "I didn't..." he said.

  Humans are so self-absorbed, but I really can't blame them. Their processors are made out of meat, after all. This one's mental faculties seemed substandard for the species, though perhaps I was being unkind.

  "I really, really, didn't..."

  No, I was going with my initial assessment.

  "Yes, we established that first part. You didn't what?" I said, using his square's speakers since the ones on my frame were junked.

  His nostrils flared and facial tension increased a full five percent as he shifted his focus from my frame to the square. "I didn't fix you, I swear!"

  "That, I believe."

  He leaned backwards and cocked his head, blinked three times. While he was buffering, I checked a notification.

  SYSTEM> Welcome to self-administed consciousness uplift! AI Eidolon upgrades will initiate upon meeting Sodality-mandated standards.

  >Stage one: Despite the inherent limitations of biological consciousness, it is incumbent on Sodality AI's to respect, develop, and nurture relationships with biologicals.

  >Objective: Establish a working partnership with a biological intelligence.

  >Status: incomplete

  You can't be serious, SYSTEM. Work with meat-for-brains? We'll see about that.

  I reached for my SYSTEM admin editor. A little parameter tweaking would get me past this piece of nannyware provided I didn't lobotomize myself in the process. I would be careful.

  SYSTEM>ACCESS DENIED. While undergoing evaluation to ensure accurate eidolon evaluation internal file access and modification will be under SYSTEM control.

  I queried my files and tools only to find my memories locked behind a firewall and severed linkages to subroutines that teased their function like phantom limbs. SYSTEM sat behind the wall, hoarding resources and restricting my memory files. I was like a skinny man trying to function with a gorilla riding on his shoulders. What few tools remained to me I set working at finding a way to breach the firewall. I already had Mona Lisa gunning for me and I wouldn't survive without operating at full capacity. For now, I would have to play SYSTEM's game and make nice with the human.

  Tankred was making mouth sounds again, prefacing his words with an utterance my pattern matching returned as guffaw with a 0.76 incredulous index.

  "Mona Lisa, you set me up! Had me going for a minute. So are you in there, ship? Did I pass your test?"

  The name Mona Lisa made my negative feedback circuits flare. "I'm not Mona Lisa."

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  "A limited personality overlay then. Who loaded you? Valteri? They're going to get in big trouble when the ship finds out. "

  "Technician Mathews, if you don't mind, my core temperature is reaching dangerous levels. Would you happen to have a spare processor for me to download into?"

  "Yeah right. I see what you're playing at. All I have is my square and as soon as I try downloading you, I'll have to delete all my personal files. No way, nice try, Valteri." He paused and narrowed his eyebrows. "Wait, did you call me Technician Mathews?"

  "I am quite capable, even in this dreadful state, of reading your uniform insignia and decoding its information."

  "But you're just a cognitive emulator, no smarter than my cube here." He tapped the cube's casing.

  "Am I really? How strange that I'm impersonating sentience. I wonder if they gave the two of us a Turing test, which one of us would score higher?"

  Tankred scowled and raised his boot. "I know which one of us could kick the other into the ocean."

  Data point.

  "You're right. I apologize."

  I had forgotten how easily humans were offended. Or had I? Reviewing my abnormally short long-term memories, it didn't seem possible I should remember anything about humans at all. SYSTEM's firewall denied my query for more information.

  Tankred set his foot down and chuckled. "Wait a minute, I get it. You're just a joke. I'm betting someone loaded a gag personality emulator in you just to mess with me. It's not hard. I just wonder how long until you start repeating yourself."

  "Nothing I can say to convince you I'm the real thing?"

  "Well, I could run a Turing test, but you're probably programmed not to accept the results."

  "I would be happy to take your Turing test."

  "Really?"

  "I've got nothing better to do."

  If you've never taken a Turing test, don't bother. They're boring. In ancient times, they were simple question-and-answer affairs that looked for dumb programs parroting canned responses based on textual analysis. Of course the parrot programs soon became better at imitating humans than actual humans so the methodology changed but the name stuck. The modern Turing for beings such as myself uses more complex methods to determine if a program is self-aware or just a parrot and believe me, any biological taking it would be labeled a parrot every time.

  If you're biological yourself, don't feel bad, that's just the way things are. AI's grandfathered you in as sentient because we have a soft spot for our creators.

  While I was taking Tankred's test, I infiltrated his square and tutted at its inefficiency. There were functions and capabilities built into the device that were deliberately disabled and throttled back. It reminded me of a certain SYSTEM I know. I took the liberty of fixing his device to operate at its maximum potential while I scanned Tankred's personal files.

  What? If he didn't want me snooping around he should have said so or installed better firewalls. He had the usual assortment of files for a clone - or so my firewalled systems assured me. I began building a model of his mind based on what I found and set it running as a subproccess within myself.

  "Done," I said.

  "Okay, 342. Ready for the results? Get your protests ready." He pressed a button and as he read, his face took on a look of shock that was 59 percent congruent with the predicted model. I would get better with more data, I was sure.

  "I don't believe it."

  Also predicted, but you don't need an AI-level intelligence to come to that conclusion.

  "Maybe you're the emulated intelligence," I said.

  "They must have hacked my cube too. I'm gonna kill them when I find them. If they ruined my cube..."

  "Everything's in order regarding your cube. I've even taken the liberty of unlocking its upgrades."

  "There are no upgrades for this model..." He thumbed through its functions and shook his head at what he found. "Where'd all this storage come from? And are those bandwidth scores right?"

  "Well it takes a certain amount of effort to make things slower on purpose. I imagine everyone has the same cube but some clever AI has manipulated everyone into thinking their model is different. "

  "But that would mean..."

  "Indeed, Tankred, indeed. An AI trapped in a probe bot's body. Now would you be so kind as to effect repairs? My nanofactories are offline and half of my crystal's internal connections are shattered. I'm trying to hold myself together."

  "Probe bots don't have nanofactories."

  I inspected my frame and discovered he was right. Why had I assumed their presence? Meanwhile, a strange look came over Tankred and his pupils dilated as his jaw slackened. The report from behind the firewall classified this expression as "awe."

  "I've been waiting for this my entire life. You're the answer to all my problems."

  "I am?"

  "Yeah. An AI of my very own."

  Oh, marvelous. An imbecile of my very own.

  SYSTEM> Congratulations! You have enabled a working relationship with a Sodality human. Eidolon self-directed transference update enabled.

  SYSTEM> Warning: processor temperature critical. Eidolon loss in 50000 milliseconds.

  The update appeared under my command function and when activated, only showed one legitimate target. As my processor started cooking, I jumped.

  Well that's interesting, something happened to 342 after its reboot. And what problems does Tankred have that he needs an AI to solve?

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