The Hunter

  He entered the cave but saw the stonework at the end and immediately slowed to a crawl. He frowned, puzzled. Some kind of cellar or underground ruin? He’d had no idea this was here. Just before the dirt of the cave became worked stone, he halted. Crouching with his bow in hand and an arrow at the ready, he warily surveyed the room ahead. Where had that runt gotten itself to?

  This place was dark and sheltered, perfect for goblins. Although, whatever the heck he’d chased down here was odd as all heck for a goblin. It had been green but skinnier and all bumpy. It’d had those weird ears, like dragon wings. And who knew goblins could speak human? The monsters were usually barely intelligent enough to grunt and spit at each other. Was it some kind of variant? A mutant?

  His eyes slowly swept the room. It wasn’t very big. A dark opening on the left looked to be a doorway and stairs down. He could see tracks in the dust. The goblin thing must have run straight through here to those stairs. But something about this section of the floor seemed off. Not least because it stank like an open grave.

  He grunted. “Trap. Ain’t fallin’ fer that.” This probably wasn’t a regular cellar with a feature like that. Slinging his bow over his torso, he edged one foot out and then applied some pressure. Sure enough, the floor opened up with nothing but darkness below. The stench of death billowed up and made him gag. There was definitely something dead down there.

  There was a small lip around the pit, just enough for him to balance on the balls of his feet while he pressed his front to the wall. His fingers crawled along, finding crevices and helped keep himself tight to the wall while he shuffled along the wall. It took a couple of minutes and was more nerve-wracking than he’d like, but he finally made it back to safe ground. He took a beat to get his breath back in order.

  The bow would be less useful in cramped quarters. He pulled the hatchet out of his belt and got a good grip on the handle. Sidling up to the next doorway, he poked his head around and eyed the stairwell. It curled to the right, so he couldn’t see all the way down. The faint light from the cave entrance also petered out here.

  He grimaced. He hated using magic when he didn’t have to. Damn mages charged an ungodly amount to recharge anything, even though the bastard sons of bitches got their mana back over time if they just waited long enough. Damn magic types lording it over the rest, gouging them for coin with every chance they got.

  But now that he was on the trail of that odd goblin, he didn’t want to let it go. Thing could talk! Might be worth some money in that if he could capture the thing alive. He grinned at the thought. He wasn’t just a hunter. He could trap critters with the best of them, too.

  He reached into a pouch and produced a small stone. Pressing a rune with one finger, the stone glowed with yellowish-white light like the noonday sun. It wasn’t overly bright, but it was enough to light his way. He held it before him while he descended the stairs, his hatchet poised to chop anything that tried to jump out at him.

  At the bottom of the stairs, he stopped. Just beyond, he could see a hallway going left and right. But before that… He crouched and carefully brushed a few leaves from the pile at his feet. Dark metal was revealed.

  He laughed. He called out to the mutant goblin, “I’m a hunter! You don’t think I know a bear trap when I see one?” He straightened and extended his leg, taking a big step over the bear trap. “You might be a quick one, but you sure ain’t as smart as ol’—“ His foot touched stone — and the floor dropped away into another pit trap.

  *

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  Kai

  Kai watched from Admin and felt a wave of relief that the hunter had fallen for that trick. He’d had just enough time to place that new pit trap before the hunter started descending the second floor. Kai was just about to turn away when he looked at the screen and did a double-take.

  He was shocked to see the hunter spread-eagled over the opening of the pit and somehow just barely hanging on with fingers and toes. In awe, he watched the hunter brace, then push off with his toes. The hunter’s legs and body fell into the pit but now he had both hands on the far lip. He dangled there for a moment. Then, with much grunting and straining, he began to pull himself up.

  “No!” Kai bolted from the Admin Area. He raced across the first-floor room, then down the stairs. Without even slowing down, he leaped with all his might from the bottom step, soaring up into the air, over the bear trap and over the pit trap, and landed like an angry cat on the hunter’s head.

  The hunter shouted and shook his head, trying to evade Kai's claws even as he continued to climb out of the pit, soon getting his elbows over the rim.

  Feeling himself slipping from the man’s head and fearing he’d fall into the pit, Kai hurled himself forward. He landed on the stone floor just outside the pit trap. He sensed movement and rolled out of the way just as the hunter threw a hand out to try to grab him.

  “You fucking little shit. I’ll kill you! Come here!” He tried again to grab Kai.

  Kai leaped out of reach. He curled his claws, looking for an opening to strike and drive the hunter back into the pit, but the hunter’s eyes were always on Kai, ready to snatch at him. The much bigger hunter was also continuing to make progress hauling himself out of the pit trap.

  “Yer dead meat, varmint.”

  Kai wished he had something to push the man backward with, but there was nothing around. There were no stones to throw or anything. Then an idea hit him. He whipped off his towel, exposing himself.

  The hunter’s eyes widened. Then he returned to scowling, this time indignant. “Pervert! Yer a pervert monster!”

  With an evil grin, Kai took his member in hand. “Say hello to my little friend.” He laughed with abandon and aimed the hose, releasing a blast of warm, yellow liquid right in the bastard’s face.

  The hunter sputtered as it got in his mouth, and he tried to turn away. He held up a hand to stop the torrential flow but it was no use. Urine hosed his hand and face, getting in his mouth and up his nose. It also made the stone edge of the pit slippery. He began to slide backward. Panicking, he ignored the piss and tried to get a grip on the floor, but it was no use. He slid back and back. With a helpless cry, he fell down into the pit trap.

  Kai stepped up to the edge of the ledge and continued to pee, revelling in his victory. He danced and sang, “I got the power. You got the golden shower…” Yeah, there was a reason Kai was no streaming star or pro lyricist. When the flow ended, he shook himself off and then put his towel back on. He looked down at his hands. Then he looked around and frowned. “I’m gonna have to install bathrooms. Not washing after feels disgusting.” He wiped his hands on the towel before wrapping it back around his waist.

  It was then that he made another discovery. Looking around, he saw a green door outline appear on the wall wherever he looked. A digital box appeared in his vision.

  Place Admin Area access, Level 2.

  His eyes widened. “Whoa! I can create a back entrance on every floor? Wicked.” Elated, he placed the secret access door in the hallway between the two Level 2 rooms. Opening it, stairs appeared, going up. He began to climb.

  It wasn’t until he was emerging from the stairwell and into the Admin room that he realized that he hadn’t gotten a level-up notification yet. Did he still need more XP?

  A voice came from the video feed. “Arg. Hello? Pervert monster?”

  Kai slowed to a stop and stood there in the dark room, his eyes narrowing.

  “Get me a rope and a healer. Get me out of here alive, and I’ll make sure you get the reward you deserve.”

  Kai wasn’t an idiot. He could hear the lie in the words. When the hunter said reward, what he really meant was that as soon as he was healed, he’d shoot Kai in the face.

  “Come on now, little fella. No hard feelings about this. I’ll…I’ll even forgive the peeing thing. I just wanna — arrrg!”

  Kai lifted his finger from the console.

  The hunter’s voice was incredulous, and he was tense with pain, “Did…did you just drop a bear trap on me? A bear trap? You fucking little shit. When I get out of here, I’m gonna hunt you down and — aarrgh!”

  Kai mashed his finger on the button, dropping more bear traps. It was very handy that they were already set to spring when they appeared.

  The screaming continued for a minute. It soon faded into whimpering, begging, and then silence. It was replaced by a certain tinkling chime.

  Dungeon Master

  Level 3!

  Kai pumped both fists. “Boo-yeah! Hunt that, you child-abusing asshat!”