Rayne stared into the mirror as she buttoned up her fall front pants. While most women wouldn’t be caught dead in pants, Lady Hayward was well known for putting a feminine twist on typically masculine clothes. It did feel a little ironic to the dy that she had gone through so much trouble to be the woman she was inside only to end up wearing men’s clothes. She did love suits though and pants felt far more freeing than a dress. That all being said there was one difficulty with pants and that was assuring things were ft and didn’t bulge out like a man’s would. It was annoying and could be uncomfortable at times, but it was a pain Rayne was willing to bear.Finishing, Rayne ran her hand down the front to smooth everything out. She turned from side to side to inspect herself in the mirror, making sure she truly didn’t show anything. Something just felt off though and Rayne reached for the buttons to do it all over again. Eda’s hand came out of nowhere and swatted away the dy’s hands. “That would be the fourth time you redid it. It looks fine, Rayne.” Eda said before gesturing for Rayne to sit down at the vanity.Rayne pursed her lips at the older woman. It was rare for Eda to ever do anything like that, but it did happen. Typically when Eda was frustrated. “It’s my body and my clothes. If they frustrate me I can redo them.”“If they were actually what was making you feel off then yes, but it’s not.” Eda looked back into Rayne’s eyes, clearly not backing down from this.Rayne looked away from her dy’s maid’s eyes and back to the mirror. The pants were fine and were maybe even ftter than normal. Why did Eda always have to be right and why was she always so good at reading Rayne? A sigh escaped Rayne’s lips as she truly accepted that Eda was right. She was feeling off, but it had nothing to do with her clothes.“It’s alright to feel a little off bance after the morning you had,” Eda said with a much more gentle voice. Again she gestured for Rayne to move over to the vanity and this time Rayne did so. “I was most certainly thrown off a bit myself and I only saw the aftermath.”Rayne sat down in the chair feeling unsettled that this morning had clearly thrown her off. Normally it was easy for Rayne to take something in stride and not let it affect her. Or at the very least hold all of that in till a time when she was alone. With Hannah it was different. Especially this morning. “I suppose I am a little unsettled this morning.”“As anyone would be after what happened. I think it would be a bad thing if witnessing that didn’t upset you.” Eda stood behind the dy and started undoing the prior day's hair arrangement.Looking down at her own hand, Rayne couldn’t help but look at the scratched on her fingers. This morning had really upset her inside, but she didn’t feel like she could show it. What good would it be to Hannah to see how upset this morning had made the dy? What good would it do anyone to see that Rayne was upset? “It’s alright to let yourself feel, Rayne,” Eda said still, clearly reading Rayne.Just hearing those words started to make Rayne’s eyes misty. “I don’t want these feelings. They just hurt and I don’t feel they would help anyone.” The hands in Rayne’s hair stopped before one pulled away and rested on her shoulder, causing Rayne to look up at the vanity mirror to see Eda behind her.“Your personal feelings don’t need to be validated by whether or not they would help someone else. All of your feelings are valid and worth feeling simply because they are your feelings. Even if they hurt you. Rayne, you saw something traumatic this morning and it is alright to feel upset by it. You’re not going to hurt anyone by being upset about this.”“What if it upsets Hannah though? She’s already in a bad pce emotionally today, I don’t want her to be even more upset with herself because the thing she did upset me.”Eda took a deep breath. “You said that this wasn’t the first time Hannah had done such a thing in front of someone and that its happened all of her life?” Rayne nodded. “Then she already knows she has upset you. She’s been through this enough to know how it affects other people and I don’t think being honest about being upset it's going to make her feel worse. All that you saw her feeling already includes knowing that she upset you. If I’m being honest it might actually be good for the both of you if you were open about how it made you feel.”“How would that be good for us?”The hand lifted off of Rayne’s shoulder and went back to her hair. “Hannah trusts you. She trusted you enough to tell you about Eine and then enough to let you see her in such a vulnerable moment. It might mean something to her to see that you trust her enough to be honest yourself.”Rayne could see the logic there but it was still a hard thing to accept. Being upset about what happened surely upset Hannah and bringing it up again would only upset her fox more. “I’m just scared that it will keep making her feel bad.”“It might bring up feelings that she might have calmed down from, but I think being open and honest is a good thing with her.” Eda paused long enough to give Rayne a chance to respond but the dy didn’t reply. Rayne was too buried in her own thoughts to think of a way to reply. The logic was there but the emotions she felt were holding her back from agreeing. Maybe there was a way to be honest with Hannah without upsetting her, but Rayne wasn’t able to think of it.“You could express how you feel about what happened, and then, maybe, you could be honest with her about other things.” The words came out gently as Eda continued to toil with the dy’s hair.Rayne’s eyes were locked back on Eda, who wasn’t looking back at her. “I don’t think telling Hannah I love her is the appropriate follow up to that conversation.” Not to mention Rayne was honestly scared of speaking her heart like that to someone, especially the person of interest. There was still a part of Rayne that loved the idea of telling Hannah that, but the dy wasn’t brave enough to actually do that.Eda shook her head. “Not that, but…”Now Rayne really got afraid. “I am not comfortable with sharing that fact about myself with anyone but you.” Rayne had never even so much as imagined what it would even feel like to just tell someone, regardless of how they might respond. It was a secret she was going to take to her grave and hopefully keep even after that. Pns had already been put in pce in case of a premature death, but the longer Rayne lived the longer she would have to find someone besides Eda she would trust with her body.Pausing in her movements Eda said, “No, well given what we now know of Beastkin culture it might be something they would approve of. What I am trying to get at is you could probably trust her with the knowledge that you also experience attraction to other women. I think it would bring Hannah a lot of comfort to know she’s not alone in that.”Even with the knowledge that Hannah was in love with another woman Rayne had never considered telling Hannah that she was the same. She could tell Hannah that now though. It was hard to imagine that Hannah wouldn’t be approving of Rayne as well, but there was still lingering fear inside of Rayne. What if Hannah found it strange for a human to feel that way? What if she thought it was something only okay for beastkin to experience?“You’re thinking too hard about it,” Eda said, drawing back Rayne’s gaze after it had drifted in thought.“I am not.” Why was Rayne being so defensive this morning? She knew earlier had thrown her off but even then she didn’t feel like she needed to question Eda. Even now she knew Eda was right, she was thinking about it too hard.“You are.” There was no hesitation in Eda’s rebuttal but the words were still gentle. Eda always had a way of saying hard things with a compassionate tone, and Rayne had made her appreciation for that known many times. “The fear you feel right now about telling Hannah is probably the same fear she felt when she was about to tell you.”Hannah had truly been brave to trust Rayne with that knowledge and the dy hadn’t even complimented her on that yet. Thanking her was also probably a good thing because trusting Rayne to know that after only a week of knowing each other said a lot about how Hannah felt about Rayne. “Are you sure it would truly be fine to tell her?” Rayne didn’t like that her voice came out timid and scared. She didn’t like how scared she felt about it. In all honesty Rayne felt like a child asking for reassurance from a parent.Eda gave Rayne a gentle smile. “I think it would be good for both of you to tell her. It would also give you a chance to talk to someone else who feels the same way you do. For as much as I can assure you that your feelings are normal I am afraid I can’t personally rete to being attracted to women.”Rayne pondered that thought for a little while. Of course she had talked to Eda about her attraction and feelings towards Hannah extensively, but it was true that she hadn’t had the opportunity to rete to someone about those feelings. Not that she would specifically share with Hannah her own attraction to the fox, but maybe it would be really nice to share feelings of finding women attractive. Maybe it would even give Rayne a chance to find out more about what Hannah finds attractive, not that there was much Rayne could do if Hannah didn’t find her appearance attractive. Hopefully she found Rayne attractive.~~~Curled up and tucked in the corner of her bed and the wall Hannah wrote in her very own journal for the first time in seven years. There was so much to write that the fox wasn’t even fully sure where to start, but she did. The words being put on page by her pen were a stream of consciousness rather than a discernible timeline of the events of her life. One thought led to another and then another in a cascade of venting her thoughts and emotions. Surprisingly Hannah was rather in control of her emotions when writing. She was of course feeling so many things and often to an extreme level, but she had control. The simple action of writing was able to keep the fox together.Looking back upon this journal entry ter probably would show a confusing mess of tangents and side notes rather than some of her more thought out journal entries of the past. In this moment the ability to look back on her writing and understand wasn’t as important as just getting it all out of her. Hannah wasn’t sure if it felt like time was standing still or rushing by as she wrote. There was some worry that if time was moving fast that she might miss midday and not go to work in the library, but journaling felt more meaningful. If there was punishment for not working this afternoon it would be worth it just by being able to write out her feelings.Rayne had said that no one had the right to punish Hannah. That she would make sure no one ever did.A new thought about Rayne meant a new tangent in her journaling. Though thinking more about it, a lot of what she had been writing already reted back to her mistress in some way. It made sense in a way. Though Hannah had spent far more time without Rayne as a sve, it felt like most of the important and big things in the time of her svery only happened after meeting Rayne. Before being brought to the Hayward estate Hannah’s life wasn’t nice but it was monotonous. The work she did was always the same. The way she was treated was always the same. What she ate was always the same. Everything about her life as a sve at the bakery was routine. It wasn’t good but Hannah’s mind easily slid into the flow of the constant cycle. Granted she was nearly always bored while there, but routine just worked for Hannah even when it was a bad thing.Since being bought by her mistress life was anything but routine. Even the work wasn’t normal routine work to Hannah. Yes the cleaning schedule was a little routine, but it was still something different than what she had been doing for years. Now she wasn’t even doing much cleaning anymore but working as a librarian to a massive estate. She loved the work dearly and loved that she was trusted with access to the extremely valuable books, but it was still so different from what she had known life to be.Then there was the interpersonal and emotional side to the sudden change in her life. At the bakery she didn’t have people to talk to and even Hannah got tired of talking to herself after a while. Now she had many people to talk to. Eda, Nei, and probably the most influential Rayne just to name a few. Even light conversations with them were almost difficult for her at this point. Not that Hannah was ever good at small talk, that skill had always eluded her even when she tried hard. The thing was that a lot of the conversations she was having weren’t light, especially with Rayne. That’s not to say the topics were always dark, but they all came with deep and powerful emotions.An emotional connection had been built with all of these people. She was friends with Nei and wanted to continue to spend time with her. Eda was a wise and trustworthy woman not afraid to step in when anyone needed her and Hannah felt the compassion behind all of it and returned those feelings to her. Then there was Rayne. Rayne had quickly become the person Hannah trusted most in life, even if some of that trust was still built on the idea of hoping that she could trust Rayne. All evidence so far had clearly shown that Rayne could in fact be trusted without question. Hannah also liked being around the dy. Rayne treated her like a normal person and Hannah felt it around her.Physical intimacy was also something new in Hannah’s life. Like the emotional intimacy it was wanted and enjoyed, but it was still a change. A change Hannah wanted to get used to. For the moment there was still some strangeness behind it and it felt just as draining as it did refreshing.Over the past week so much had happened and so much had changed. Everyday it felt like there was something new and big emotionally and it had all been taking a toll on Hannah. Thinking about it, it was honestly a little surprising for Hannah that she hadn’t had such a meltdown before this morning. Going from living a life of barely having to think and following orders to actually having a life with people she cared about and who cared for her was a massive and exhausting change. It was needed though. It was desperately needed and Hannah needed to find her new rhythm with everything to make sure she could take care of herself at the same time.For the first time in a while Hannah stopped writing and just let her mind rest for a moment. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. After a few minutes of sitting in the quiet Hannah opened her eyes again and started to write more. A knock at her door stopped her before she could get too far into writing again.“Come in,” Hannah said just loud enough to hopefully be heard. It was still strange for people to wait and ask her permission to come in, but Hannah was growing a little accustomed to it again. The door opened with Eda stepping into the room with a tray in hand for the third time today. Hannah could already smell the food and Hannah wasn’t sure how she felt about someone bringing her a second meal of the day.“I grabbed you some lunch,” Eda said as the door gently closed behind her. Walking over to the bedside table, she set the tray down, making sure not to knock the bottle of ink over. Eda made no mention of Hannah being so tightly tucked away in the corner of her bed and room, but the older woman did study her.“Thank you, Ms. Eda.” The fox’s voice was still quiet.“Are you feeling any better?” Eda’s own voice was gentle and quiet.“Yes… and no,” Hannah answered honestly. Writing was helping and she was in control but the feelings were still there. After a morning like this one they were going to stay for a while. “Do I have to go back to work after I eat?”The elder woman was quiet for a few seconds before taking a deep breath. “No,” Eda said, stepping up to the far end of Hannah's bed. With ease she sat herself down. “I wouldn’t make any other member of staff work when they aren’t feeling well, regardless of if that was mental or physical unwellness, so I’m not going to make you work.” Eda finally looked away from Hannah and down at her own hands. “Granted I don’t know what is best for you right now. I know some people feel better when they get up and do something, but I don’t know if that’s what you need.”It was strange to see Eda look uncertain even if Hannah could easily tell that it was about what was best for Hannah. They had only known each other for a week and this was the first time something like this had happened. It felt like it said a lot that Eda didn’t appear to want to make any of those decisions for Hannah and was leaving it up to her. In the past few years if Hannah wasn’t feeling well it wasn’t her pce to decide what she did. Having the ability to choose how she took care of herself when she needed to was a big but also scary change. “I would like to stay in bed.”“Alright. If you feel up to dinner you can come, but if not I will bring you something again.”“Thank you, Ms. Eda.” This felt like pampering but Hannah wasn’t about to say no to it. She watched as Eda started to stand but sat herself back down. Eda was looking off into the distance still looking uncertain and Hannah wasn’t sure how she felt about that. Eda opened her mouth to say something but stopped herself and went deeper into thought. Hannah had never seen her like this before.“I…” Eda finally looked up and out of the window. “I have things I want to talk about, but I am unsure of how to say them.” She sighed and gathered her thoughts for a few seconds. “I can’t even pretend to comprehend how you must feel, what you’ve been through, or what you need. Because of that I don’t want to ask anything of you because I’m afraid it would be too much for you right now, but…” Eda once again sought for the right words. “I need you to look after Rayne.”“Are you leaving?” Hannah didn’t like the sound of Eda leaving.“No. What I’m trying to say is that Rayne is a very guarded person. She might not always seem like it, but that’s really just a face she has mastered over many years. She hides a lot of herself behind an air of sophistication and confidence, much like nearly any other noble. Granted, Rayne, in my opinion, is better at it than most. Still, deep down she is a gentle and sometimes nervous woman.”Thinking about it, Hannah had actually seen all of those sides of Rayne. She hadn’t seen Rayne really interact with many people to know whether the gentle side she had been shown was something mostly kept hidden.“There are very few people Rayne has ever let see that side of her, and now you are one of them.” Eda finally looked over at Hannah. “Rayne is clearly excited by finding someone new that she can be honest and open with. That’s not a bad thing, I actually think this is something the dy needs. Still, I think it has muddled her sense of the consequences of her action. Whether those consequences are bad or good, or affect you or her. She is very much in the moment without much thought to ter down the line.”Rayne trusted Hannah enough to be open like that? Why did Rayne trust her like that? Regardless of the answer it did make Hannah feel good. It was also understandable to be in the moment and not always thinking about the future. Hannah had many days off her life where she just needed to focus on the here and now and not the future.“People like to talk, both nobility and staff, and people are already talking about the attention she gives you. Both nobility and staff. I know outwardly Rayne is strong enough to withstand whatever people will say. That she will be able to get out of any mess it may cause. She has faced terrible things in the past and still come out on top, but all that does eat at her inside. She hides it well, but I want to make sure she doesn’t hide it from you. She needs more than just me to help that delicate side of her. I’m not going to be around forever. I am almost sixty years old after all.” There was a slightly morbid chuckle that followed that st sentence.What Eda was telling Hannah was both easy and difficult to process. It felt like this should be a heavy moment for Hannah, but it oddly felt light. She wasn’t sure why that was but it probably had something to do with how much trust was being put in Hannah. That even after only knowing each other for a week genuine meaningful trust was being given to her. Most of all she did actually want to help Rayne. The dy had always been so kind to her and Hannah only ever wanted to do the same back to her. Rayne had taken care of her and now if Rayne was the one in need of being taken care of then Hannah was going to do it.“Please be there for her when she takes off that mask. She needs it more than she knows.”Hannah gave a gentle nod and said, “I will.” For the first time today, Hannah saw Eda smile.

  Trinidia