Did you ever thought what your past would say to you?

  Are you in the place you wanted to be 3 years ago?

  For me, 3 years ago, at the age 10, I didn’t actually want something from myself. I told you, I was only lived for fun and I never saw myself from outside. I didn’t know I actually existed. So I never had a goal.

  See, I was with this one girl who I thought I loved the most in the whole world and would always be with me for the rest of my life. I thought we were forever besties and I found joy in her.

  I didn’t.

  Before that she lied to me about every single thing. She didn’t wanted my love, she just wanted everyone to adore her and be popular. I bet she thought I was ugly as well. At the end of 5th grade, she left the school and I never saw her again. She kept on texting me, saying she missed me so much but I responded fakely and cold. For I wasn’t the one for her to trick anymore.

  But if I really have to think about who or what I wanted to be back then, probably I would want to be closer friends with that girl and doing whatever she does. She was like a bad habit to me. I was mean to all because she bullied all. I was disrespectful because she laughed when others got hurt. I lied because our friendship was built on lies.

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  If you ask me what I want now, I’ll tell you that I want to love, even my enemies. And I want to be that one reason somebody feels happy. I want to remain faithful and I want to love myself. I’m no more of this world so I don’t want to chase success like crazy or feel a need towards it. But only do that because it’s my responsibility, not goal. I want to feel peaceful and positive against all things that may happen in my life, and I want to teach others too how to be peaceful and positive.

  And this is the exact opposite of my goal in 6th grade. I wanted to be mean, evil, full of bloodshed, negative and actually kind of an bad influence.

  Now don’t judge me of my past for I’m no longer that evildoer your looking for.

  I have mistakes now too, of course, but I want to learn from them.

  Now this isn’t like that one recommendation your family gave you. This isn’t that same topic in every fairytale that wins at the end. This is no fairytale, but dying to self.

  See, hatred is a feeling and most of the people are just okay with it. They’ve made judging, hating, bullying their home. Especially that ones who bully me too when I don’t agree and call swearing normal, shout out to you guys.

  Those people are like my 6th self and haven’t tasted love and true happiness yet. So when one of those came to me and attack me with their words without no hesitation, I say to myself, “They are still growing.”

  That helps me to love even them for I wouldn’t want someone to judge and hate me of my actions when I was 6th.

  What do you think?

  If you agree, don’t or say, “I don’t know.” there’s still something in you that wants to feel found again, even when you don’t think there are.

  I don’t have a purpose to write this, but expressing my feelings and see if I’m alone or they are people who thinks that’s nonsense.

  At the end of the day, I love you too, even if I don’t know you, maybe yet.