The peaceful people of Idealion-7 had no idea there was any other intelligent life in the universe. Just endless free real estate. Their surprise was mercifully short lived. While they were still debating which flower would be their planetary emblem, the warfleets of the Tagnack Imperium hyperspaced in, fusion bombed them from orbit, and blinked back out of real space. The strike was repeated in every other outlying human colony. Some had token defenses, but an anti-meteor station was no match for the thousands of enormous dreadnoughts and battlecruisers of the ancient imperium.
Their warfleet was at Earth before the full scope of the disaster was known to the human leadership. The homeworld had a defense fleet; even in an empty universe paranoia blossoms. But they were no match - not in size, numbers nor technology.
“President! We must surrender! The other option is extinction! Their flagship offered us terms!” his aide squeaked.
President Elrado, the dynamic young figurehead of the loose federation of nations, worlds, and habitats sighed. The job of Solar System President was mostly opening malls and congratulating athletes. The only unilateral powers he had were to represent his species to aliens, and the scope of that line had changed a lot this week.
“Fuck. Yeah. I guess?” he shrugged helplessly. “Send their terms to legal. Tell them to flag any opportunities. Might as well see what exactly we are agreeing to.”
The aliens were patient. Humans posed no risk, and the Earth was a jewel. A rare oasis of life and culture. Even the aliens would rather not fusion bomb it into a molten glob. After a week of translations, debate and clarifications they arranged the Grand Ceremony of Capitulation.
President Elrado and an entire corps of senior diplomats flew to the Tagnack flagship. It was a warship bigger than anything humanity had ever built, one girded in gleaming meta-alloys and bristling with weapons. This ship alone was a hundred times deadlier than every weapon of humanity, and it was far from alone.
Grand Ultra Admiral Guflar clattered across the wide reception hall, his many limbs clicking on the metal decking. “Welcome aboard! Look upon my infinite might! AND DESPAIR!”
“Hello, sir. My government has reviewed your terms, and found them acceptable. Humanity will cede all sovereignty of all worlds but Earth and her orbits. We shall refrain from building a single warship, abide by all imperium laws, and pay the tithes in material and manpower as specified.” He bowed his head, but still smiled.
“MY CONQUEST IS COMPLETE!” the proud warrior proclaimed through his translation pendant.
“Without a doubt, your supreme mightiness! One minor point of clarification. The Clause 114(b): Human financial entities shall be permitted free and unrestricted access to all Imperial subjects, markets, and financial institutions.”
“Accepted without objection and without limit,” a nearby alien diplomat said proudly. The humans smiled.
“Your documents don’t have the words for liability, bankruptcy or credit. Can you clarify what happens if one of your people owes something to one of mine, but cannot pay?”
The admiral scoffed, “We owe nothing! All debts are paid! If the borrower cannot pay, then his family must! If the family cannot, the clan must! Then the Region, then World then the Emperor himself! He whose wealth is beyond your ken! Our people and our laws are built on the immutable bonds of support!” He preened and rose to his full terrifying height, “A Tagnack’s word is as enduring as a neutron star! Our names bear the weight of a thousand generations! Obligation is not a burden! It is honor made manifest!”
“Truly noble!” The human diplomats were struggling to hide their smiles, while their eyes beamed with joy. “No further questions!” President Elrado leaned forward and signed Humanity’s unconditional surrender.
As per protocol they bowed deeply to the Admiral, his staff, and his diplomats before returning to their shuttle, cackling with what the aliens assumed was despair.
***
Within hours every single hyperspace capable ship ever crafted by human hands blipped into hyperspace, each laden with humanity’s deadliest payloads. An array of nightmare weapons so vile they had been banned by treaty, and had nearly faded from memory. Instruments so cruel that no other sapient mind had ever conceived them.
***
Klebnar was a grav-lift loader. He loved his job, but it was hard. Every day since he was a larva, he got up before either of the suns rose and moved cargo from some point in the vast trade yard to another. It wasn’t especially prestigious and the pay was slim, but he had a respectable life. Today his walk to work was interrupted. In the grand concourse there was a small kiosk that he’d never seen before.
The endless grey ceramic halls now had a giant flashing display with lanky, well-dressed bipeds smiling at everyone.
Fractional ownership of luxury vacation homes could be yours!
The image flashed between amazing resorts, pristine beaches and lush jungles. Klebnar had never seen anything so beautiful. He stopped to appreciate it.
“Wow! I envy whoever you made this sign for!” the alien said wistfully.
“Funny you should say that!” the charming biped said, coming right up to him. “What’s your name? Would you care for a complimentary coffee, while I explain?”
“Thank you! What’s coffee? I’m just Klebnar, a grav-lift worker, I don’t really have vacation resort money. I’ve never actually even been on a vacation!”
He sipped the drink handed to him, and his entire biology shuddered with joy under the chemical persuasion of a chai vanilla-bean triple shot frappuccino with full-fat whip.
“You deserve a vacation! You work hard! Want to hear the good news? This sign? It’s all for you! They told me to fly eight thousand lightyears so Klebnar the Grav-lifter can get the life he deserves! And I’m here to see that you do!”
“I could never afford that! I’m sorry you cannot complete your task, I truly am!” He took another sip and could hear angels sing, even without the understanding of what an angel was.
“Good news! I’m going to PAY YOU to go on vacation! Klebnar, we just met, but I think you are Diamond Plus card material! It’s our most exclusive offer! It does have a small daily fee and 138% APR, but you earn points with every glipcoin you put on it! Just the maintenance fees on a vacation opportunity will earn enough points for a human coffee every month! And you can use the card to buy coffees anytime you want! You can’t afford to not be earning points on everything!”
The alien looked at the brochure. It was in Tagnacki, but filled with strange terms he didn’t understand. “That is most generous, how do I pay? What is a late fee?”
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“Pay us a small monthly minimum, if you want! And a late fee? Some fee you pay later! Not now! Let’s just fill out the paperwork, and I’ll send it off. Only the really special Tagnacks get approved anyways, so it’s probably going to come to nothing, but it would mean a lot to me personally if you let me do this for you.”
Klebnar had never been treated so well by a stranger, let alone an alien! “You are a most kind biped! Thank you. How will we know if I get –”
“Already approved! Head office is excited to have you on board, sir! That’s right. Diamond Plus. You get respect now. Respect!” The human handed over a slick rectangle of plastic. It had Klebar’s full name and clan embossed in gold.
The dockworker stared at the artifact. It was so pristine. Its glossy smoothness spoke of the life he should be living.
“Wow! So fast! So what is all this?” The Tagnack worker tried to read the folded papers he was given, but struggled; the print was impossibly fine.
“Ah, just boilerplate legal noise, I gotta give it to you, but you don’t gotta read it, boss! Besides, you're too important to sweat the details! Sit down, relax, Klebs! Can I call you Klebs? Would you say your larvas would love you more if their dad had a timeshare villa on a beach? Don’t worry, you can afford it! You just got a credit card!”
***
The grav-lift operator wasn’t alone. Over a trillion Diamond Plus cards were issued every day, flooding the circulatory system of the Tagnack Imperium with the sweet venom of consumer debt. Some ambitious Tagnack even qualified for Elite Diamond status; what’s a few dozen percent interest when weighed against true prestige? Within a month, more vacation homes were fractionally sold than there were living subjects in the entire empire.
***
Klebnar came home and rolled all eighteen of his eyes. His once sparse broodhold was cluttered with empty boxes, like it had been since after he accepted his credit card. The last few months had been difficult, even as they got more and more quality goods. His lifemate sat in her vibrating massage chair, sipping a suspiciously frothy drink topped with whipped cream.
“Did I see a delivery drone leave here? We talked about this just last night! We can’t afford any of this!”
She snarled at him, “You can’t. I’m thriving. These make me happy, and I deserve to be happy!”
Klebnar glared at her. His eyes closed as he gathered his thoughts. “The minimum payments alone are more than I make! We are drowning! We musn’t spend any more! We’ll be forced to go before the clan for our debts! The shame will kill us!”
“Your prattling can stop! I haven’t spent a single glipcoin on your card all day! I’m a financially independent female! I have my own card!”
“Oh,” Klebnar stood still. He shrugged, slightly mollified. “I am glad you have solved this. I worried about these payments ballooning.”
“You would do well to show more respect! I have taken a job! One that I can work while raising our larva! I am a Ruby Plus Director at NutriSludge! Once I hit my target volume and unlock passive sludge flow from the downline, our debts will evaporate! It’s science! I have even spread my newfound wealth with your family! Your mother and siblings are already signed up in lesser roles in my downline! Being a Director requires courage! I had to pre-buy a lot of NutriSludge, but now I am the one that feeds us! Bow before me! This mug they included proclaims me to be both a girl and a boss!”
Klebnar looked over the stacks and stacks of sealed boxes he hadn’t noticed among the mess.
He clacked his mandibles in appreciation. So much NutriSludge, they would have needed a grav loader to get it in here. “Truly a six-pallet haul! I retract all doubts! Glorious Ruby Plus Director-wife, I apologise with both my hearts! Your cleverness has saved us from calamity!”
He climbed into their inflatable hot tub and turned on the jets. He gestured grandly with his mouth flap at the gooey mass of flesh affixed to their back wall, their dozen squirming eyeless and limbless larva.
“Wise wife, in forty-three months, when our vacation home’s blackout period ends, I shall reward you and the larva with the height of luxury!”
“You are noble to care. Oh, your uncle called, the humans took his broodhold! Can you imagine being so foolish? These human cards of credit are simple, we just get new ones when the old ones send the scary letters,” his wife declared. “Help yourself to a SludgeShake, they are full of essential oils, and we are nearly a quarter oil! There is no reason you can’t sell these to your work-mates, my downline must grow!”
***
Once the tumor took root in Tagnack society, it revealed its most dangerous trait: unlike ordinary parasites, it grew faster than its host, then larger than its host. Growth fueled growth. Debt begat debt. For all their fleets and warheads, their stations and bastions, their billions of brave warriors, the Tagnack Imperium had no defense against compounding late fees, partial payment fees, or hourly convenience fees. Within eight short weeks, entire planets were underwater. Even the dry ones.
***
The emperor of all the known galaxy stared at the blinking lights. Each one a demand, a debt, a doom. Planetary governors. Clan patrons. Human creditors. All calling. All owed. For the first time in his epoch-spanning reign… he was broke.
He scuttled away, slowly and grimly. There was no good news anywhere. He scuttled to the emergency meeting like a convicted man to the gallows. The grand conference room was packed with nervous senior leaders of the treasury, military and planetary governors.
“Today we act! Raise incomes! Slash costs! We cannot let our eternal Empire crumble before tiny plastic squares!” the emperor demanded, his eyes steady.
The head of the galactic central bank, his exoskeleton flecked with grey, bowed low. “Your Eternal Grace! This is worse than even I thought! This morning we owed seventeen exo-glipcoins! Now it’s nineteen! Creditors have laid claim to eight hundred of the outer worlds! Our defensive fleets, warfleets and the exploration fleets are all under lien!”
The emperor moaned helplessly. “Exo? How many zeroes is that—never mind. That much money doesn’t exist. How do we owe more money than there is?! There is no solution.”
“There is one, if you forgive my crassness,” the head of the grand conclave said softly.
The Emperor covered his face with his claws and was silent before he moaned again. “You are correct. I am the embodiment of the imperium, and the imperium no longer has honor. Prepare the vats of abdication, and draft a letter to the human president. Beg him for mercy. I name no successor.”
“I will personally ensure the abdication vat is drawn and the acid is boiling, Your Grace. There’s no need for you to suffer further. Not for these honorless apes.”
***
While the credit cards came in every name and color, they were all tentacles of the same creature.
When the debts came due—debts which now exceeded the net-present value of the galaxy—the Bank of Humanity, wholly owned by the Office of the President, simply foreclosed.
In accordance with the fine print, honor was collateral. Homes, ships, mineral rights, and planetary crusts passed quietly into Terran hands. Elrado signed the paperwork with the same pen he used to open malls. By the end he owned every star in the sky, and everything orbiting them.
***
President Elrado smiled and took a long drink of his fizz-fruit half-caf penta-shot mochachino. Today his term as President of Humanity ended. Now by clause 97-C: “in the event of universal default…” he was Emperor!
The ceremony was regal but short, but most importantly legally binding and absolutely ironclad. Freshly coronated, he ascended the stairs to the marble plinth showered in fresh cherry blossoms. His pure white cape snapped in the fresh Earth air, the new capital world for his hundred trillion subjects. Overhead the hastily repainted Grand Terran Warfleet shone in the sky, easily visible even in a high orbit.
“Look upon my visage and see your liberation! As your first gift, I relieve you of the crushing weight of weaponized debt! All credit cards forgiven! All consumer credit rescinded! Breathe free!”
Emperor Elrado raised his hands over his head to the thundering cheers of the massive crowd. The fifteen weeks that Earth was occupied flew right by, and most humans became embarrassingly rich. While the end was never in doubt, there was an air of wistfulness that it was all over.
“I will rule with compassion and justice! Human consumer laws will be enacted! We will grow safe and peaceful! Blended coffee drinks shall be sold on every planet, hab and station – With four percent off for all of Coronation Month!”
He stood straighter and clasped his hands behind his back. His face grew stern. “Do not for one instant confuse my kindness for weakness! Rebellion will not be tolerated! The old empire was crushed with the merest fraction of our true power! Pray your world remains loyal—lest I unleash the terror of infinitely refinanceable used car loans! Dare not turn on me, else the blight of student and medical debt will scorch any traitor worlds deeper than fusion bombs ever could!”
Debt. Debt never changes.
