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Chapter 3

  12128 AIG 3H12

  Find pretty rocks for Ulric

  I clumsily pick up rocks from the asteroids surface. I wonder why I

  cannot grab them well.

  Is it because I do it for the first time? Because of the zero gravity?

  Or because this asteroid has a mostly powder-like surface and these

  gloves are larger than my head, obviously not made for grabbing? To

  prove my point, I try to grab a rock, the rock receives momentum from my

  glove and drifts away, out of my reach. Again. I shake my head. This is

  going to take a while.

  I am in an EVA suits on some asteroid near Kish 19b. I am on the

  asteroid, while Cassi is piloting our small shuttle. It’s a cheap suit,

  nothing works autonomously. The suit is enough to learn and do my little

  errand. We need rocks for our little garden and Ulric loves it, when we

  get original rock, not just some artificial thing from the shop. As if

  xe could tell the difference.

  Cassi was happy to do Ulric the favour and asked me to help xe. There is

  no arguing with Cassi, I tried that in the past, it does not work. A

  Pioneer gets what they want from their Heart Family. It is our duty in

  exchange for their service. Anyway, after everybody’s morning exercise

  xe took me to the local rent dock.

  “I need a cheap shuttle, just two spaces for a short ride to the inner

  asteroid belt.” Xe demanded from the bot.

  The bot showed us a few shuttles available this cycle.

  “Cassi, those shuttles are really simple. Like, bare metal only. Look,

  even the EVA suits are simple. This one reads ‘only for emergency

  evacuation’,“ I pointed out.

  “Perfect, we take that one.”

  I was speechless. All my EVA’s with Ulric so far had been in normal

  shuttles. I never used anything even remotely cheap and, to be honest,

  bad like this one. I wondered if the Empire had cut Cassi’s allowance.

  “Hop on Ur, this is going to be a simple ride. Just you and me, space,

  and a bit of material in between.”

  I looked at xe, unbelieving. Cassi was enjoying this ride already. I

  felt … well … my feelings were mixed. I trust Cassi and xyrs judgement.

  Cassi got first into the shuttle, already warming up the engines. I

  followed and strapped myself into the shuttle.

  “Why are we not using a standard shuttle instead of this piece of junk?”

  “Ur, if you knew how many ships I have both flown and tried to get

  outside while being shot at, you would be grateful for this quiet ride.

  The ship is absolutely safe, we are always within rescue distance from

  the station and unless a comet comes out of hyperspace and hits us, we

  are going to be alright.” Xe turns towards the control panel, then back

  to me.

  “Comets do not come out of hyperspace. Every ship in any imperial dock

  up for rent is tested, well maintained and safe to use. Remember that.

  Glory to the Empire.”

  “Glory tot the Empire,” I mumble. I felt more relaxed. The Empire

  provides for us. We do our duties and get privileges for it. We can have

  whatever we want. Even rent spaceships. Nevertheless, I wondered.

  “Are we low on allowance so that we have to save on this shuttle?”

  We had already left the dock and were heading towards a group of smaller

  asteroids. Cassi turned her optical receptors to me, starring me down.

  “Ur. We are not low on allowance. There is nothing to be afraid, and you

  are making this bigger, than it is. Think about it, would we be able to

  rent a shuttle that is not suitable for continuous spaceflight including

  emergency situations?”

  I hesitated. “No, we would not.”

  “Do you think I would put you in a dangerous situation just because of

  allowance?”

  That hurt. “No, of course you would not. You love me and I love you.”

  “Good.”

  In a brief flash of bravery I added. “And Nona would hunt you down if

  anything happened to me because of you.”

  Cassi twitched, looked at me and laughed. “Yes. She would. And probably

  win.” She was lost in thought for a moment.

  “I do have to admit, I took the cheap one to teach you a lesson.”

  “Which lesson is that?”

  “This shuttle is basically held together by pieces of fur and spit. It

  has very limited navigation, propulsion, and life support systems. But

  they are enough. Even its Bot is archaic at best.”

  The Bot agreed, at least my underarm showed the Bot happily offering us

  the limited help it could provide. It could not even speak.

  Cassi continued. “We can not always rely on having all the best

  machines, ships, and Bots with us. Sometimes, we have to work machines

  with our bare paws, fly a ship with minimum means, perhaps even without

  electricity. You are a Heart Child, you will not go to the war. But I

  want you to at least be able to survive in such a ship. As a future

  Vettro you might need to get to another station for research quickly and

  without much luxury.”

  I looked around. My EVA suit had no remote communication or external

  propulsion system. All there was, was a long tether used as connector

  and communication line. The life support system was sufficient for 5000c

  only. I could always be pulled back into the shuttle by the tether.

  Around me in the shuttle, I saw simple systems, a hyperradio for

  communications and actual levers to steer the drive if needed. This must

  be how our ancestors flew.

  “Do you remember the Imperial Decree by Emperox Ninurta?”

  “The one about Bot and Marduk being like equals?”

  Cassi chuckles. “Yes, but not quite. It says ‘*Every task shall be

  doable by Bot and by Marduk, though both may help each other.*’” I had

  the unsure feeling there was something missing from this Decree. Cassi

  was already continuing.

  “This shuttle is an example of this Decree. We can fly it without the

  Bots and tools we use in all better ships. In the Pioneers, all of us

  are trained on these systems, even the Bots themselves. And you are

  lucky, to at least be able to sit in one and learn it the easy way.”

  Cassi checked our position. “We are getting close to our target. You are

  taking over the approach.” And with that, xe handed over the navigation

  to my console.

  I felt a rush of blood into my brain, both from excitement and from

  fear. Cassi and the Bot helped me, but both did not act on the controls.

  It was all me. I never did this before.

  “Alright, bring us closer to that one. It seems to have enough rocky

  substance. Take care of the orbit of those smaller pieces around it.”

  I slowly etched us in between the asteroid and its orbiting rocks. Here,

  Cassi gave me terse instructions, nothing short of moving my paws

  xyrself.

  “Now, let us get you on that asteroid and see if you can find a nice

  rock. I will stay in the shuttle.”

  I panicked. “You mean, I will go out alone?” My optical receptors got

  big just thinking about being all alone out there.

  “Of course. If anything happens I can pick you up quickly with the

  shuttle or my own EVA suit.” Xe pauses. “If we did it the other way

  around, would you be able to help me with the shuttle?”

  With a defeating gesture I made my way to the airlock, carefully

  attaching my tether inside it. The control panel above the connector

  lighted up in blue. When the inner hatch closed, I continued to hear

  Cassi over the speakers in my helmet.

  “Tether connection is alright. I turned the shuttle so your exit points

  directly to the surface of the asteroid. Unless you do bizarre

  gymnastics, you will land on the surface. Use your distance laser, so I

  can stop the tether when you are close to the surface.”

  The outer hatch opened. In the shuttle’s light I could see the surface

  of the asteroid, merely twelve body lengths away from me. I carefully

  and slowly pushed myself out the airlock. The distance laser was

  connected to my arm, so I held it in front of me while slowly moving

  towards the surface. The surrounding darkness was breathtaking. Like the

  time Ulric and I went to the grave asteroid watching Kish’s rise.

  “And there you are,“ I heard Cassi’s voice crackle through the speakers.

  This kind of old fashion communication was new to me. It sounded like xe

  was speaking into one of the metal planting chambers I was using with

  Ulric. Most of all, it sounded like she was far away from me. If I could

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  turn around, I would see xe just a few body lengths away, but that would

  send me into a rotation or throw up dust. And that dust would stop me

  from seeing anything on this powdery asteroid. I carefully move around,

  slowly making my way from one rocky extrusion to the next.

  The surface is mostly molten rocks partially covered in a layer of

  powder. Some of those powder layers are body lengths thick. If I move

  into those layers, Cassi will have to pull me out again. I would be lost

  on my own.

  I find a few rocks that look suitable, but nothing really catches my

  eyes. Ulric had said: “Find me something nice, with different

  colours.”

  “Cassi, I found some rocks. Could you mark their position for me? I want

  to look a bit further if there are nicer rocks around.”

  “Alright. Keep your remaining life support time in view, though.”

  I nearly forgot about that.

  “I have about 1400c left. I am still good.”

  I continue my search. The speakers crackle again a while later.

  “Hey Ur, I got a call from Nona, I will hang up on you for a moment. You

  are doing well.”

  I hear a crack and the line goes quiet. These moments of complete

  quietness are my favourite. Its breathtaking, the immense size and

  emptiness of the surrounding galaxy.

  I see a rock, it has some green and purple threads going through it,

  like somebody stacked plant leaves and flowers on each other, with brown

  soil in between. Perfect for Ulric. I carefully move over to the rock

  and grab it. My motion is stopped by something. I look to my right side

  and see the tether coiling itself around my right arm. I probably moved

  too far to the side and now the momentum makes the tether pass by me. I

  wiggle to get the tether of my paw. Of course, it coils even more around

  the arm. I did not know I had so much line – until I look behind me. The

  end of the tether dangles a few body lengths behind me.

  “Cassi, the tether, it ripped off!”

  No response. Of course, Cassi cannot hear me. All communication goes

  through the tether. My rescue line is gone, and I have only 394c of life

  support left. This EVA suit is so cheap, I do not even have a jetpack. I

  have nothing.

  I think about waving my arms, but that would a) make me rotate in zero

  gravity, b) make the tether coil around me even more and in worst case

  c) push me away from the asteroid some direction away from the

  shuttle.

  Aleph’s Ass. I need to stay calm. 320c. Cassi should see me soon. Why

  did she even have to take that call? Nona could have called later. I

  start to panic, but remain still. My breathing gets faster. Not good for

  life support.

  290c. I place the rock in a bag attached to my suit.

  Still no reaction from the shuttle. I still have time. Cassi will see

  me. Xe knows how much time I have left. She will see me and rescue me.

  Otherwise, Nona will come for xyr. I hope. I think. I start to panic.

  200c.

  What if Cassi does not see me? I cannot just sit around waiting for my

  air to go out. I must do something. But what?

  180c.

  I go through my options.

  Stay here and be rescued by Cassi. Good.

  Stay here and not be rescued by Cassi. Dead.

  Jump towards the shuttle and catch anything I can hold on to. Good.

  Jump towards the shuttle, hit it and fly off. But Cassi will hear my

  impact and rescue me. Good.

  Jump towards the shuttle, miss it and fly off. Dead.

  My breathing gets faster, the panic is growing. Cassi, please, look out

  the Aleph’s ass window!

  150c.

  My rising panic causes me to get a slight rotation. I grab onto a rocky

  spire and slow myself down. It takes a lot of effort, all my body needs

  to be stopped from moving.

  120c.

  My breathing is far too fast. I need to stay calm. Breath slowly, and do

  something.

  110c. Ass ass ass! I am going to die. Ass, I need to stay calm. Breath,

  I need to breathe. This has been too long. I cannot wait any more.

  Focus. Breathe. I breathe in.

  Focus. Breathe. I breathe out.

  Focus. Breathe. I breathe in.

  100c.

  I slowly push myself of the asteroid, towards my shuttle, my place of

  rescue. Very slowly, a fraction of a body length per second.

  90c.

  I get closer to the shuttle. It is going to be a close call.

  80c.

  I am nearly there. If I stretch my arm, I can grab one of the rails

  alongside the shuttle. I make myself as big as possible.

  70c.

  I grab the rail … and fail. The glove touches the shuttle and pushes me

  away from the shuttle before I get the rail. I receive some momentum and

  start to rotate. I pass the shuttle and loose all blood to my face.

  There is no more panic, I am filled with horror. The glove only softly

  touched the shuttle. There was no clunk. No big noise for Cassi to hear.

  I am going to die.

  65c.

  Cassi. Please look out the window. I cannot see much through my tears.

  There is nothing I can do any more. I never had the chance to return my

  duty to the Empire for the privileges it gave me as a Heart Child.

  60c.

  This is it. An uncanny silence washes over me. No need to breathe air

  too fast. The shuttle is about two body lengths away from me.

  50c.

  The shuttle is still roughly two body lengths away from me. I press my

  face against the suit’s visor to see better. The tether is tense.

  Actually, I get closer and closer to the shuttle.

  40c.

  One body length. Please, Cassi, I know you grabbed my tether. Oh, thank

  you so much.

  30c.

  Something grabs me from behind and pulls me into the airlock. A moment

  later we are under pressure. My visor opens.

  24c. Life system paused.

  “I got you.”

  Falling into Cassi’s arms, I cry a lot. Xe has apparently grabbed my

  tether and pulled me inside, back to safety.

  “Oh, thank you, Cassi. I was dead, I was so dead.”

  Xe ruffles my hair and shavings. “No, you were never dead. I was there,

  as promised. Otherwise, remember, Nona would have got me.” Xe winks at

  me, though I do not see much through the tears.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

  We get back to station, I am mostly shivering, crying, but also full of

  joy. Cassi is soothing me, speaking softly at me. Soon after we reach

  home I am sitting at the kitchen table, surrounded by Cassi, Ulric and

  Nona. The other foaling are playing in the side room.

  “I found this rock for you Ulric, see the green layers here. They look

  like very flat plants.”

  Xe takes it carefully, slowly rotating and inspecting it.

  “What a beautiful specimen, Ur. I know, you took great risks for it.”

  Xyrs calm eyes are upon me, while xe places the rock on the table. I

  struggle a bit to find my words.

  “The tether got loose. I … I was dead. But Cassi saved me.”

  Xe replies with a soft smile, “You were very brave back there. You

  fought for yourself.”

  However, Nona’s eyes are fixed on me. Like xe is preparing to catch

  me.

  Xe starts. “Ur. You were very brave indeed, this cycle. And now I need

  you to be even braver.” A short pause. “Cassi cut the tether on my

  behalf.”

  “What?!”

  I have no more words. I simply stare at Nona. Nona, my Breeder, the one

  person in the galaxy loving me the most. Sending me to death.

  “Why? I was dead back there.” My cries turn into sobs.

  “Why would you do that to me? I hate you!”

  I want to get up, but Ulric stops me. Xe is a Vettro, like I will be,

  but far larger than Cassi. Xyrs calm nature is far more commanding than

  Cassi’s muscles.

  “What? What are you doing?”

  “Ur. We have asked a lot of you this cycle.” Again, it is Nona who talks

  to me. “You know about my sickness. I am stuck in this body, left to the

  whims of my nervous systems. But even under all this meaningless pain,

  it is my duty to stay calm, to not panic. I have personally asked Cassi

  to cut the tether.”

  My voice is brittle, almost faint. “Why? Why would you do that?” This

  time, Ulric speaks up.

  “Soon, you will face the Rite of Sorrow. Our rites are hard, often

  outright brutal. But they serve a purpose. In the Rite of Sorrow, you

  will die. But there, in those memories, you have no choice, you can do

  nothing. This cycle, you did something. We prepared everything so that

  even in the worst case, you would have survived.”

  Cassi continues. “Your EVA suit was rigged, the timer was set short of

  500c. A friend of mine was on the other side of the asteroid waiting

  with another shuttle. I was already in the airlock in my EVA suit, when

  I removed your tether.”

  “But you were talking with Nona.” My mind is racing and void at the same

  time. How could they?

  “Yes, my dear Ur. I was. Because if it had been up to me, I would have

  helped you far earlier. I am a Pioneer, it is my duty to die for others,

  to rescue others, to fight for the Glory of the Empire.”

  Ulric nods softly. “You will be a Vettro. Your duty and your privilege

  will be knowledge. While Cassi fights with her body, we fight with our

  minds. And as you will learn, the pain of knowledge can be even worse

  than most of us believe death to be.”

  Nona gets into one of xyrs coughing fits, before xe speaks.

  “Ur. It is alright if you hate us. It is alright if you hate only me. I

  asked both Cassi and Ulric to help me teach you. I have given birth to

  you, and you may be my only foal living much longer than adulthood. I

  have passed the Rite of Reunion and know how many of my other foaling

  are crippled from that never ending war with the Alephians or are

  longing for a better way of living. I love you. I love you more, than

  you will probably ever understand. It is my duty to teach you to live

  well in this world. We have everything, whole galaxies at our disposal.

  And we might lose everything to the Alephians. You are still a child.

  And to me, you will always be my beloved child. At the same time, I see

  greatness in you. You stayed very calm this cycle. You were careful,

  only negligent of minor fallacies. Not only that, you were great, my

  beloved Ur. And you will be in the future. Every single clap this cycle

  was like a death to me. Yet I know that one cycle, you will benefit from

  this lesson. The lesson of remaining calm in times of stress, in times

  of great risk, when even your live or the lives of your loved ones are

  at stake. It is easy for you to hate me. You have all the right in the

  galaxies. But I know that you can find your own conclusion to what

  happened this cycle. If anyone of us had doubted your chance of survival

  at any moment we would have been there for you.”

  Ulric and Cassi nod. I am dizzy.

  “Nona. I …”

  I faint.

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