Self-blame

  It's been a long time since I've reached the depths of my soul through "normal" means. Firstly, the weakening of the seal allows me to talk to Jiu Ye without having to come here specially. Secondly, it's been a long time since I've been so close to the boundary of death...

  I gazed at Jiu Ye's exceptionally calm face, and softly called out to her, "Jiu Ye..." It was a bit strange, but Jiu Ye didn't show any signs of scolding me.

  Alas... I don't know why you always choose the method that hurts yourself the most when helping others. Jiu Ye just sighed softly, stating her conclusion after observing.

  I...

  I understand your choice, I respect your choice, and I have never stopped you from making a choice. Although every move you make is so... So, shouldn't you think about how I feel before doing anything? Jiuyue looked at the frame of my left eye, with a hint of heartache flashing in her eyes.

  I... I'm sorry... Jiuyue. It seems like I've finally understood Baizhi's feelings just now when she was talking to me.

  Don't say sorry to me, the point is, have you been true to yourself? Jiuxi saw that my only remaining right eye revealed a deep sense of confusion and perplexity. Forget it, you have your choices. I have my ways. Jiuxi knows that many things can't be understood without personal experience, let alone the things I've experienced recently, which are mostly fragmented and usually the darkest parts.

  Come here! Jiuxi called me to come closer, I walked over as she said, Jiuxi stretched out her right paw and gently stroked my head. Does it hurt? Why don't you show that it hurts? Jiuxi's tone was warm but a bit unusual.

  The strongest nine-tailed demon fox, who had killed countless lives, gave me a feeling of warmth that I had never felt before. It hurts, but what does it have to do with how I want to express myself? The pain and expression are unrelated! I still shook my head in confusion.

  Would you be sad and heartbroken if one of your eyes were gone?

  It's okay, there's no special feeling, even if I can't see it, what's the big deal?

  Jiuyue knows that I am now much weaker than usual, both physically and mentally. So Jiuyue wants to solve some problems that have been troubling me for a long time. Why do you hurt your own body like this? Jiuyue uses the last bit of hypnosis.

  Hurt? …… I didn't hurt my body, I was just looking, just confirming. I don't think my actions are suitable for hurting my own body, I'm still alive, and all four limbs are there, not a single finger is missing!

  What is it? Confirm what? Jiuxi strengthened her charm, he thought the answers to these two questions might be the key.

  Because... I said... seeing blood flowing means it's still alive... it will hurt... only with life can there be pain... I muttered out disjointed words in a daze.

  Surprise! Who said that? Jiuxi thinks he's found the key, but my current mental state can't continue on. Jiuxi knows about my heart disease, but he doesn't know why I have such thoughts. In my subconscious, I'm extremely indifferent to everything about myself, indifferent to my own wounds, indifferent to my own heartache, yet I care more about others' bodies and feelings than anyone else... This is far worse than Bai's softness, Luo's slaughter is even more severe, it has penetrated so deep that even I don't have any awareness of it. Now, Jiuxi has only dug up a tiny thread of clues.

  What's more important is that I have no self-awareness at all, whereas Haku and Iruka both know their own heart diseases. Once they find the most important person or thing to them, they'll have a chance to be cured; they'll change for it, exist for it.

  But I, Jiu Ye's symbiote, am different from them.

  In the deepest interaction for more than three years, Jiǔ Yuè knows that I am a person who needs an excuse or reason to do anything, no matter how small it is. Even living is like this. My life is built on my promise to Jiǔ Yuè: "I won't die, you won't die." Jiǔ Yuè once regretted treating me with such an attitude, but couldn't help feeling grateful that if she hadn't done so back then, I might really not have wanted to live.

  In my view, I'm only alive for others. "The promise to Nagato", "the obsession with the weird kids (Haku, Gaara, etc.)", "returning to Konoha at six years old" and for these purposes I need my own strength. The only thing I have for myself is a faint "laziness", laziness that seeks death.

  Jiǔ yuè doesn't want my life to exist only for others, Jiǔ yuè knows I'm very strong, can survive in that environment; also knows I'm very tenacious, physical discomfort has never hindered my will; and knows I'm very cruel, Jiǔ yuè has never seen a way to treat one's own life like this over the years.

  Jiuyue understands my spirit can perfectly counter most illusions, making them ineffective against me, and even counterattack. This is because in my subconscious mind, I am completely indifferent to anything, just like the wild grass by the roadside, no matter what changes occur, you won't have any feeling.

  But the Jiuyue in the depths of my soul knows that in the depths of my soul, apart from endless profundity and dark chaos

  There, everywhere is endless and profound, up and down, left and right are all dark and boundless, can't see any boundaries, it seems that only the sound of heartbeat can be used as proof of one's own existence, the endless and profound darkness can almost erode everything, including oneself.

  Jiu Ye sighed, he couldn't afford to waste too much energy here, he still had more important and urgent things to do.

  If there is still...

  "Huh? Just now, my head felt a bit dizzy, I guess it's because my body is too weak. Or was I dreaming? Jiuxiao hasn't called me "Ruoxuan" since the first time, Ruoxuan, you're missing one eye, how does it feel?"

  It doesn't matter if you can't see it.

  Then why do you have two eyes? One eye can also see.

  "Shouldn't humans all have two eyes? Monsters don't matter, anyway; one eye or two eyes are both monstrous to them."

  Jiu Ye furrowed his brow deeply, he knew that in the current situation, most of what I said was the truest voice in my heart, and later there might not be another chance to ask, didn't you always want to be human?

  Who takes me as a "human"? …… We've said it before, we're not "humans"! We don't want to be humans!

  "Us"? And that person again? Jiǔ Yuè discovered that every time I fall into an unconscious soliloquy, a nameless "person" often appears, and the words this "person" says have a profound impact on my subconscious mind, and I've never been aware of it...

  Forget it, Jiuxiao can't afford to waste any more time now, let's start!

  Originally, I was in a semi-awake state at the bottom of my soul until Jiuyue gently stroked my head, and then suddenly there was an almost infinite amount of chakra that flowed from my forehead down.

  Jiuzi...... What are you doing?

  Hehe, nothing much, just like what you did to that white one. Only a bit more, Jiu Ye's tone showed a rare weakness.

  That... That... My tone was unusually flustered.

  Don't bother me, just receive the things I give you, and also, I want to sleep for a while, don't come disturb me for some time. Jiuyue heard the panic in my tone and smiled with her big fox mouth.

  Don't blame me, it's just that you're too softhearted. Your tenderness is only given to those you care about, but not a single thread of it is left for yourself. I, the ruthless nine-tailed fox spirit, want you to be more heartless, heartless enough to care more about yourself.

  Oh no! I'm speaking with a sob in my voice.

  No one's dead yet, you're crying for nothing. I'm just taking a rest, don't worry. If you've practiced your chakra enough, maybe I can wake up earlier.

  After I fall into a deep sleep, the Five Elements Seal will also temporarily disappear. No one will discover that you are a Kyuubi Jinchuriki. So, live as a normal person for a while! Remember, don't die, or else I'll be dragged down with you too! Hehe... "I" will take good care of you. The gentle tone of Kurome's words is unforgettable, and the final teasing remark is also quite memorable.

  I didn't want to say anything like "thank you", just as how I feel about Bai, and Jiu Ye feels about me, what we want is not a simple "thank you".

  What I need to do now is let my body fully absorb this so-called "infinite" chakra, rather than continuing to blame myself.

  I just hope I can talk to Jiu Ye again soon, because I couldn't stop his decision, just as he never stopped mine.

  At this time, White, shortly after placing my body in a place that could block the wind and rain, a very surprising and thick pure chakra suddenly emerged from all over my body, gradually enveloping my entire body. White originally wanted to stop it, but found that it seemed to be a protective state, as if forming a cocoon-like thing that would help me rebirth.

  Bai no longer hesitated, and just as he thought of sitting down to cultivate, he saw Kawakami Chitose not far away. Bai walked over, his right hand instantly condensing a sharp ice blade (this was a new bloodline technique that Bai discovered under intense mental agitation). With his own hands, he cut Kawakami Chitose into several pieces. Throughout the entire process, Kawakami Chitose's pleading eyes and begging words were all ignored by Bai.

  Bai walked towards the riverbank, gazing at the inverted reflection of her blue left eye in the water, and couldn't help but bite her lower lip deeply.

  It's just such a simple action, if I had done it earlier, adults wouldn't... I won't let this happen again! I won't let the adults hurt themselves for me again!

  This is Dragon Boat Festival gift, thicker than usual!

  Happy Dragon Boat Festival!

  But eating too many zongzi is bad for your stomach!

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