American High: The Ballad of Paul and Nancy

  It was just another day at American High. The students were in home room. The PA cackled and Principal

  Andrew Jackson came on. "Good day students. The After School Satan Club, which is apparently led by

  Coyote and Maize Woman, is suing us. We will recite the pledge of allegiance, but instead of the term

  "under God," those who object to the term can use the equally patriotic phrase "fuck the Federal Reserve."

  The students recited the pledge of allegiance. "Today's lunch will be hamburgers for 7300 pesos, or genetically

  modified salad for 43 cents. I don't know why I'm on the 20 dollar bill, but fuck the Federal Reserve." Principal

  Jackson proclaimed.

  Paul Ryan, American High's star quarterback took the hand of his girlfriend. The head cheerleader, Nancy Pelosi,

  swooned. Her vericose veins brought out the blue of her red, white, and blue uniform. She smiled happily at

  Paul.

  Paul looked deeply into Nancy's eyes and sighed. "Nancy, you know I'm a clone. I can't do this anymore. I don't

  have the same feelings for you that the other clones had. I find your past as a mafia princess and your fridge

  full of ice cream apalling. I'm breaking up with you."

  Nancy shrieked and shook, "We're the same! Don't break up with me, I'll have you know that I'm a good Catholic

  girl! I've only been worshipping Satan for the past 47 years. I know I fucked up California, but I'm a beauty

  queen! You can't do this without me, Paul!"

  Paul looked concerned. "I don't like this," he said. He pulled out his school issued Remmington and sighed. "I

  don't understand you, and you look like a reheated corpse. Perhaps you can find happiness with the next clone." Paul

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  put the gun up to his head and blew his brains out.

  Nancy shrieked as her cheerleading outfit was covered with viscera. "Do you see this?! Everyone here, this is all

  about ME!" she screamed while kicking Paul's corpse. "Give me your fucking money so I can get my hair blown out and

  buy expensive ice cream!"

  Reptillian Adam Schiff looked at her with disdain. "I want his hair. Give it to me and I'll give you 8000 pesos." He

  said with a lizard voice.

  Nancy didn't have scissors or a razor. Instead she pulled out a schimtar and beheaded Paul. "Take the damn hair! I'll

  have you know that I am not involved with the mafia! I am a Catholic and this act of suicide was caused by a failed

  Republican plot! I am the Speaker of this high school. I have never done anything wrong!"

  Adam smirked at her while he stroked his scales. "I don't give a fuck who you are. I'd sell you out for a peso if

  it meant that I could save my own ass." He quickly pocketed Paul's head and walked out of home room.

  Nancy shook and cried. The negative emotions overcame her. "How are we going to bring in the New World Order when

  you're a stupid, incompetent whore?" The voices reverberated within her.

  "Shut the hell up or I'll make Joey Biden go to war with Russia," she proclaimed. The negative emotions continued to

  nag at her.

  She thought she was over them and was about to go to 1st period when the negative emotions overwhelmed her. "You're

  not Catholic. You're a Satanist and your poor attempt to usher in the New World Order always fails. Follow Paul's

  example. We're Americans. Traitors hang here."