Word Count: 2748

  Febrillus 20

  After an exhausting exam, I walk into my dorm room feeling completely spent.

  But as I step in, Sebastian wastes no time standing up and walking out. Sitting down on my bed, I wistfully watch the door close behind him and Finn shifts on his bed watching the scene as well before turning towards me.

  "What's his problem? He's been doing this emo act for three days now," he mumbles, chewing his pencil as he stares at his Statistics homework.

  "Something is probably on his mind," I mutter dejectedly as I climb further into my bed.

  He looks away from his work and sends me a peculiar look, "Are you sleeping? At three pm?"

  I feel more agitated than usual at his nosy questions and pull my sheets over my head.

  "Damien~" he sings and I hear him coming down from his bunk to bother me.

  "Don't you have somewhere to be?" I shoot back more snappily than I intended.

  Instant embarrassment floods me as I start piecing together an apology in my head, but thankfully, he doesn't notice the subtle shift in my tone and takes my remark to be genuine.

  "Hey, you're right! Thanks for the reminder. I actually have to sit before the school council in fifteen minutes to plead my case on why I should stay at this school. I guess my dad was te on sending the bribe this month."

  He jumps down from his bed before stretching out his back, happy to leave his homework in the dust.

  "Good luck," I say, more to soothe my own guilt for my rudeness.

  He smiles and twists the front part of his hair as a slight red blush peeks through his skin.

  "Thank you..."

  From there, he dashes out of the room.

  I watch the wall in front of me as I pull my covers even further over my body. At this rate I may just become a snail altogether.

  'Did I frighten him when I kissed him? Or does he just not like me? Isn't that how you express your feelings? Ah, I'm so confused.'

  Three days ago, I kissed Sebastian. But that's not when all these thoughts started. For the past two weeks, I haven't been able to get him or his speech out of my mind.

  I bite my thumb in recollection.

  It feels incredibly taboo to even reflect on his words. And yet they dance around my thoughts, circling endlessly like a bonfire that has no pns of dying.

  He told me that I was a human being just like him. And though I knew that his words had no backing and that everyone else in my life has said the exact opposite, something about them felt so... sweet. It immediately made me feel sick afterwards as if butterflies dripped in honey were thrashing around in my heart.

  'I want his words to be true.'

  I frighten myself with how easily my feelings slip into my conscious thought and I hold my arms closer to my chest.

  'This is something I would never speak aloud, something I barely let myself feel as a child. It's a thought that should've withered away, crushed by my time in the celr. And yet... I think it's real. This longing, this quiet hope... what if I want to stay outside forever? What if I don't want to become hidden, no, a prisoner, in another mansion. And what if I want to...'

  Pulling the sheets down, I gnce over at Sebastian's empty bed.

  My head starts swimming with thoughts of his ugh, snarky comments, and fascinating ideas.

  A blush rises to my face as I think about us walking together after css, the nudge I gave him in the hall which he reciprocated, his apology which felt more sincere than any words that anybody's told me in the past year...

  'This must be what Juliet really felt when looking at Romeo,' I think.

  'And this must be what I was searching for when Lucas first kissed me back in Septembris. But, it wasn't with him. It was with-'

  Suddenly, I sit up from my bed. Looking at my hands, I feel a burst of confidence building up heat in my body.

  'And-! And if it's true! I can't let this feeling pass by so easily. I'm not Camille anymore, nor am I Damien. This new creation that I am... I can do something that neither of them would dare try. And I should tell him what's on my mind!'

  Feeling overwhelmed with emotion, I stand up and grab my bag.

  'But where is he?'

  I step outside the room and speed walk to St. Reginald's entrance first. Another empty weekend lets me sprint down the hallway without catching any eyes, though I'm careful to slow down around corners so as to not come face-to-face with a guard.

  A trick Finn taught me.

  Breathing heavily once I finally arrive there, I let out a happy puff, but when I open the heavy doors I find that he's not sitting on the perch like he usually does.

  'He's probably avoiding me. Where else could he be?'

  I bite my lip as I try not to let my frustration lead me back into compcency.

  Turning from the carved doors, I go back inside and look towards the hallway that leads to the cafeteria. I know that he sometimes likes to stay there when it is raining outside... even though it's blue skies today. I walk in that direction as I keep my eyes open for any wisp of blonde, but opening those doors, I find that he isn't in the cafeteria either. The room instead is filled with clumps of leftover rowdy students that are using it as a lounging spot.

  With a sigh I leave the room and run up the stairs to the third floor. A view catches my gaze and I gnce out the stairwell window. From this position, I can see the baseball team practicing under the overhanging sun. Leaning my cheek on my hands, I take the moment to rex and catch my breath.

  It's the part of practice where they run ps on the track and they'll continue until the Track & Field team arrives to take over. It's a routine burned into my mind.

  Lucas' probably sad that I'm not there.

  Moving forward, I lean against the gss to peer down but I quickly pull myself back realizing that I caught myself falling into the bad habit of searching for the raven-haired boy. A pang of sadness tightens in my chest when I think of his forlorn look back then in the cafeteria, but I shake it off and step away from the window as I refocus on my goal.

  I wander the floors endlessly until, at st, I catch a glimpse of blonde hair, barely visible beneath the shadow of a balcony as it frames a familiar figure.

  I let out an exhale of joy and run down the stairs to open the courtyard exit. Slowly pushing the steel door open, I look through and finally find Sebastian sitting at the back of the school. His legs are crossed under a tree in the hidden area that Lucas used to take me to look at the sunrises. Eyes lifting from a book, but not the one I gave him, he focuses his gaze on me.

  I want to run my script over again in my head. But seeing him there, his jade eyes looking at me in cold indifference, my knees feel weak and I can feel myself losing pounds of conviction by the second.

  "What do you want?" he says emotionlessly.

  Suddenly, I'm not sure what I want and stand there as he stares at me in silence.

  "I-"

  "I'd rather be alone right now," he cuts me off.

  I scrunch up my fists, 'Say something! Say anything!'

  But I don't know how to salvage the situation, or what words I can use that'll make everything okay again. And even so, under that gaze I feel the urge to be honest. So I just open my mouth, and let whatever comes fall out of it.

  "Can we talk?" I manage to say.

  He closes his book and looks to the ground as he scrunches up his nose.

  "Please, I... I just want to understand," I go on as I slowly approach him from the door.

  He stands up and looks at me with a callous gaze, "Sure, why not? Let me go first, then."

  "I thought we were getting along. But apparently to you, it was just a ploy to get me to join your ever-increasing gang of boyfriends, huh?"

  I'm shocked by his harsh tone and back up, "No... I..."

  "So what's the reason, Camille?" he yells, getting closer.

  I flinch hearing him say my true name so loudly. It's only by luck that the day I decide to confront him, the back of the school is empty. And yet, it didn't seem as if he would have said any differently if the leader of Aurelia-Fields was standing before us right now.

  "Were you scared I was going to tell somebody your secret so you felt the need to become a toy for me too? Because I'm not like them. And I can't believe you thought so low of me."

  Tears start welling up in my eyes, "No... I just..."

  "I... I don't know what I expected from you. I'm not sure who I thought you were. But whatever I thought, it was obviously wrong because of how stupidly I walked into your pn. I'm sure I looked like a fool telling the others that you were only my friend."

  "Sebastian..."

  "What?" he says apathetically.

  "I just like you..."

  My fingers tighten on the fabric of my bzer and I hide my face with my arm as soft tears trickle down to my chin. As if struck by my sudden breakdown, his sharp demeanor suddenly evaporates.

  "Hey! Hey, don't cry. I..." Sebastian says worriedly as he approaches me. He sighs, "It wasn't my intention to make you cry."

  "I'm sorry if I made you feel like I was maniputing you..." I croak, wiping my face again and again, but tears keep flowing.

  He raises his arms, not sure what to make of my actions but after a rapid moment of thought he finally says, "I think... we both may be misunderstanding each other. Let's talk, okay. Really talk. So don't cry anymore, okay?"

  I nod but even then my tears won't stop falling. Inwardly, I curse my body for refusing to listen to me anymore and I watch helplessly as he looks at me hesitantly, not sure what to do or say. After watching him debate himself at lightning speed, I finally feel a new sensation. Gentle hands touch my back as Sebastian moves closer to me than I've ever been to him before.

  He settled on pulling me into a hug.

  At first, it feels almost foreign, like my body doesn't quite know how to react, and then the realization hits: I've never been hugged before. His warmth surrounds me, steady, as though trying to absorb the distance I've held between myself and the world for so long.

  And it's not too tight, nor too firm, it's just the right amount of pressure. His uniform jacket spills softly over my nose, the scent of him filling the space between us, and for a moment, it's like everything else falls away.

  Without having to think about it, I close my eyes and hug him back as I wait for my tears to dry.

  ~

  We walk around the pavilion as shouts of the sports team in the distance fill the silence between us.

  The sun's rays reflect off our jackets, but Sebastian's hair stands out, now tinged with a vivid orange hue as though it's been kissed by the setting sun itself.

  I gnce at him periodically as his analytical eyes look back and forth trying to make sense of everything that's happened between us. I've never wanted so badly to be able to read his mind. I find myself reminiscent of those first early mornings with an uncharacteristically quiet Lucas when he realized that I was a girl.

  After nearly ten minutes of silent walking, he finally mumbles, "Can I ask why you kissed me?"

  I look up to see a faint tint of pink on his face mixed with distrust as Sebastian looks towards the institution. He finds it hard to look directly at me, instead choosing to observe every other area that doesn't contain me in his field of vision.

  "I already told you..." I reply looking at the ground as I feel my face warm in embarrassment.

  "That's hard to believe," he challenges. "We only spoke, really spoke, for a little over fifteen days."

  I feel nostalgic fshbacks to our first meeting when he didn't believe that I had the sequel to his favorite book.

  "It's true. No matter how intense your doubt."

  "But, you can't just go around kissing people!" he exasperatedly wipes his face with his hands.

  I don't understand his point.

  "But, I didn't kiss people. I kissed you," I retort.

  "No, it's just... that's not how you tell someone that you... like them," he draws out as if he still doesn't believe the words himself.

  "But you told me that if I want something, then I should just take it," I reply.

  "But not from other people! You can't just kiss someone without asking first," he argues.

  I wearily sigh as I cross my arms.

  "You're so confusing, Sebastian... First you tell me that I'm allowed to choose whatever I want and then you tell me there are rules again."

  "I mean.. yeah, you can choose what you want. You should! But you have to have consent first if it involves someone else. That is, I have to want what you want too."

  The parts finally start to click my head and I look up at him.

  "I see... well did you want it?"

  "Did I want...?" Sebastian clears his throat, "Anyway..."

  He stops moving and I stop as well. Sebastian then turns to look at me. Truly look at me in the eyes. I fight the anxious reflex to look down.

  "I guess it all boils down to one question then," he begins. "What do you want from me, Camille?"

  "I..." I start, twisting my fingers. But taking a deep breath, I let them go and let my arms fall to my side.

  "I really don't know."

  He sighs.

  "Well, I think I kind of get what this is all about now. And you told me how you feel, so that was the first thing to consider. I guess the only thing that's left now is... how I feel."

  "So how do you feel?" I mumble.

  His gaze drifts toward the treeline, a faint exhaustion in his eyes before he looks back at me.

  "I... also don't know," he admits.

  It's quiet between us for a moment.

  "We could..." I begin. "Not know, together?"

  I look towards him with a small smile.

  He chuckles, "That's certainly a thought."

  "So, is that a yes?" I say a little more quicker than I intended.

  Sebastian blushes deeper, "U-um, well."

  He rubs the back of his head before looking at the ground again, "I guess I don't mind... not knowing... with you..."

  My heart soars within my chest.

  I try to hide my grin, but he catches it and quickly adds, "Hey, hey, don't look so pleased about this. You've threatened me multiple times, that's not how you start a retionship."

  "So, it's a retionship?" I giggle.

  If possible, his blush grows brighter. "Just a friendly one! A friendly, not knowing, pair of friends..." he trails off.

  I cover my mouth, stifling a ugh, but he groans and bolts away from me. In surprise, I chase after him, bumping his shoulder when he slows to let me catch up. We continue walking together as our ughter fades and the courtyard drifts to a hush.

  "Sebastian?" I say, watching the sun begin to fall.

  "Yes, Camille?" he replies quietly.

  "May I hold your hand?"

  "...Yeah, sure."

  So I hold his hand, palm in palm, hidden by our bodies so no onlookers would be able to see. It's warm... just like his hug was.

  "Sebastian?" I ask quietly.

  "Yes, Camille?" he replies.

  "Thank you."

  "..."

  "No problem."