Word t: 3968

  Octobris 11

  The grass I sit on tickles my exposed ankles.

  I try not to smile too wide as I stare into the setting sun's horizon. M critters chatter and old trees rustle as if they were going to wake up for the day as well. My eyes soften at the serene sight. It never bores me.

  Beside me, Lucas sits with a bnk face.

  He's lost in thought once again.

  About a week ago when he walked in on me ging it felt like I could see his entire world view shatter within his eyes. Sihat moment, he's been uncharacteristically quieter. Like a mind trying to mend itself.

  That day, he stumbled out of the locker room a practice for the day without a word to his teammates. Without him there with no expnation, the team seemed a little defted so their coach celed training for the day.

  And what I thought would be the end of our friendship somehow seemed to make it stronger.

  That's not to say we talk more—we don't.

  In fact, he seems to talk to me much less than he did before. So maybe we didn't e closer in the emotional sense, but quite clearly in the physical sense.

  Ever sihe locker room i, he's been by my side even more than usual. I remember hearing his knoe the night after the i. Most times we usually part for the day at around three iernoon but this night, I believe it was near seven when he arrived.

  In my pajamas, I opehe door in surprise since I was already pnning my letter of failure to Mother. Wordlessly that night, he led me to this field and every evening since, we've watched the suogether before parting back to our dorms.

  Just side by side in silence.

  This suhat we're enjoying... I think I'm the only one really here in this moment. I don't bother myself with trying to decipher his as, it's already clear to me that the other shoe will drop and I'll be carried away by w enfort soon enough. So why not enjoy these few moments before they're forever gone?

  I y eyes ahe smell of freshly-cut grass enter my his is what it must be like to be male... this sense of freedom.

  I suddenly feel an unusual sensation on my upper thigh. Looking down, I see a multi-legged creature crawling up my leg. My body freezes up as I decipher it. Snapped out of his trance, Luotices my shod pces a calming hand on my shoulder before pig the being up with his other hand.

  "There's o be worried. It's just a normal caterpilr, it 't hurt you... Most of the bugs here are harmless," he casts me an amiable look.

  I return it with a smile. Yet as I do, I feel a sudden jerk caused by his hand hastily leaving my shoulder. His kind look is repced with one of heavy embarrassment and he looks back down at the grass refusing to meet my eyes.

  My expression falls slightly as I pce my hands back down on the grass. P my words, I wonder if it is even proper to speak to him without being spoken to first now that he knows that I'm female. But I ultimately decide to say something.

  "Lucas..." I mumble.

  Repeating the as that he usually does when I'm feeling anxious, I pce my hand over his arm. He flinches under my touch.

  "It's okay to tell me how you feel," I echo his familiar words.

  His tan cheeks glow red as his broad shoulders slump down. "I must look pathetic to you, huh?"

  Dismayed, I shake my head.

  "Yeah, well... I feel pretty pathetic," he chuckles sourly.

  Looking up at the horizon and pg his arms over his knees he mumbles, "Sihat day that I walked in on you... I've been so fused. I'm usually so sure about what I want to do in any situation, but tely I've just been...Ha... to be ho, I don't even know what to call you anymore."

  "I'm still Damien," I reply quietly.

  He turns his mencholy fae, a small light of hope in his eyes as if I'll say something to make it all better, "You 't even tell me what you're doing here? Or at the very least who you actually are?"

  I grimace, my heart hurting as I hear his one i wish be something I 't grant.

  "Please, don't tell anyone," I ask him. "...If you haven't already."

  He sighs and looks back towards the horizon, "But that's the problem, I should. And I know I should. It's not just a school problem, it's way bigger than just us. It could go up to the gover... I could be in serious trouble just speaking to yht now. Saying something early is the only option that makes sense..."

  My face darkens.

  "But... I 't do that to you, Damien. I must be stupid. For some reason... I still trust you. I still think that there's a good reason for all of this and that you're a good person. Ae it all, you're still my friend."

  Mixed emotions swirl within me. An overwhelming admiration for Lucas and crushing self-hatred fing him into the middle of my family affair. I 't speak, I just stare at him and I hope that my eyes rey all of my ihoughts.

  "Am I the only one who knows?" he asks.

  I raise a fio signal that one more person knows. Lucas rubs his fa exhaustion and falls backward, sinking into the grass.

  I move closer to him, my grip tightening on his bzer as I quickly say, "But you're the only orust! You're my only friend! Lucas... I... I'm sorry."

  Hearing my plea, his tired face rexes as out a shh, "I guess I knew you were special from the moment I met you."

  I let out a soft ugh back.

  We watch each other for a moment before he releases a breath I didn't know he was holding and looks back to the sunrise. Pg his hands over mine, he leads me into releasing his jacket ah watch the horizon together.

  "I've never met a girl like you," he says suddenly.

  I think over my words.

  "In a good way?"

  He ughs as the exhaustion leaves his face, "I think so!"

  I giggle back before pg a hand over my mouth, but that's not enough to keep the dam of sad ughter from esg our hearts.

  We spend the rest of our m ughing on the grass.

  ~

  As I walk in the hallway to my css I feel a tap on my shoulder. Turning back, I expect to see Lucas, but instead I find Dorian standing behind me.

  "Hey, Damien..." he says awkwardly, hands shoved in his pockets and staring at the ceiling.

  Without Lucas as a mediator, it seems he doesn't know how to talk to me.

  "I wao ask you something," He mutters, rubbing the back of his head, now looking towards the bulletin board across the hallway. "It's about Lucas."

  "Yes?" I answer quietly.

  "I've seen you walking around with him tely, but the team and I have barely talked to him si week. He's been skipping practid whenever we catch him in the hallway or at the dorm he looks like a ghost. Did he tell you anything? Is he okay?"

  I look at him shocked. I didn't realize that Lucas was that shaken up by his sudden knowledge of my secret. Maybe I could uand that he would be stunned for the first few days, but at this point it's been a week. Is he okay?

  "No... I'm not sure," I reply. "I apologize, Dorian."

  "No, no. It's alright... I guess... Just do something for me ime you see him, okay? Talk to him. Tell him that we're worried about him, maybe he'll listen to you," he sighs before walking off.

  "I will..." I mumble under my breath.

  ~

  After my st css, I see Lucas waiting for me outside.

  "Damien!" he calls warmly.

  "Hello, Lucas," I reply, greeting him.

  "Don't we usually meet at the batting fields?" I ask.

  He shrugs, "Ah, well... I wao see you earlier."

  Shrugging it off, we begin walking together. Yet I notice that he stands a few inches more away from me than usual. His arms are pced firmly to his side as he walks as if to make sure not even his sleeve would brush against me. It's weird and it doesn't feel like him. Here I thought rogress st night... This only makes Dorian's worries feel more pressing to me.

  "Lucas... I o talk to you," I say worriedly.

  "Is it something really important?" he asks after hearing my serious tone.

  I nod.

  "Well, do you think it could wait until tomorrow night, then? There's a baseball recruiting social that St. Reginald's Academy anized and all of the pyers have to attend. Anyway, I think after that my mind will be clearer. I'd rather not have anything else on my mind," he says.

  My worries begin to melt away by the pound. Of course, it all made sense...! He was only ag differently because he was afraid of the scouti tomorrow and being surrounded by all of those officials. Succeeding at this is his future after all.

  "Of course," I say.

  His gaze softens, "Thank you."

  "By the way, I got a plus-oicket for it. Cyrus and Dorian are going together. So I put you down as mine... This was before the i st week, by the way..." He rubs the back of his head, quietly. "Will you e?"

  "Yes, I will," I say.

  Although the idea of being in a room filled with observant men when I don't have to be feels ing, despite the fear, I want to be there to support Lucas.

  Takio my dorm, I say goodbye to him as I slowly close the door. He leaves with a short wave and passes the er.

  Finn gnces over at me from his bed, "Is Mr. Sunshine, okay? He's been less annoying than usual tely..."

  As per usual, I ignore Finn and take a seat on my bed. Sebastian snickers as Finn grumbles under his breath about my attitude towards him.

  I hope that after tomorrow, everything go back to normal. I'd never five myself if I broke one of my most precious retionships over such a silly act.

  Closing my eyes, I hope that Father isn't watg me right now. Here I was once again, reag for something more than a woman should. But couldn't I have a break?

  Just this once. Just for him?

  Maybe I could also live for something greater... greater than my role...

  'I hope this isn't bsphemy...' I send my wish up to the skies above.

  Octobris 12

  The day es and passes swiftly.

  I couldn't focus in css thinking about the social today.

  It would be at the academy, so at the very least I wouldn't be too far from my base. But being surrounded by all of those important people... it makes me nervous just thinking about it.

  I sit on Lucas' bed in his room as he rummages through his closet. Dorian and Cyrus were already on their way to the officiating building so it was just us in the room.

  "Okay... I think I found something you wear..." Lucas calls, as he pulls something out from his pile of clothes.

  Turning around, I realize that he looks a lot different than usual. His straight hair was slicked back professionally, not a flyaway in sight. The formal feel of his ebony suit didn't match his personality, but I would be lying if I said that it wasn't tailored to his body type perfectly. He looked slid mature, the kind of person that catches your eye.

  "What?" he asks, notig my stare.

  "...You look nice," I reply holy.

  He doesn't reply, instead rubbing the back of his head with a short chuckle.

  "Wear this, it's my younger brother's. I don't know how it got in my luggage, but at least you have something formal to wear now," he says as he hands me the folded suit pieces.

  "Okay," I reply.

  "I'll... I'll just be out here," he mumbles awkwardly leaving the room for me to ge.

  The door clicks and I get started. As I switch out of my uniform into the suit I catch a glimpse of myself in Lucas' mirror. I always feel like I see someone different every time I look in the mirror. I don't know whether to call that refle "Camille" or "Damien." her feel right or all-enpassing of what I've bee.

  I ge quickly and walk out to find Lucas leaning on his doorframe waiting for me.

  "Are you ready, my good sir?" he asks, dramatically presenting the hallway to me with an overly-fancy hand motion.

  I hold back a ugh and nod.

  We step out of the dormitory and into the cool night air, making our way to the building where the social is being held. Reag the entrance is fast, but the elevator ride feels much slower as it moves toward the top floor of this t thirty-story structure.

  When we finally make it to the top, the elevator door opens to reveal the high-profile event. Silver deliers hang from the ceilings over carefully-arranged bahat stretch from one er of the room to the other. The chatter of sophisticated people fill the air and it is obvious from the mood that every man on this floor ands respect.

  My heart races as my legs beg me to run; Everything about them reminds me of Father. He could be standing right in front of me and it wouldn't seem out of p the slightest. Yet I don't see him. All that's seared in my memory is his scarred face burned and ravaged by the pne crash.

  I begin hyperventiting as my eyes dart around the room. But in my panic, I feel a familiar hand on my shoulder.

  "Don't worry, Damien. I'll be right here with you," Lucas says in a sincere quiet whisper. "Just stay with me."

  And it seems those words are all I need. Grip tightening otom of his suit, I swallow my inhibitions and move forward into the crowd with him.

  Lucas goes from table to table introdug himself to every scout as I trail like a shadow behind him. As he speaks, I beore and more certain that the suit has made him a different person.

  Each word was carefully chosen, his body nguage was fident, and his steady gaze never faltered with anyone he entered. I had nearly fotten that to have gotten into St. Reginald's Academy everyohat I've entered must have e from a well-established or intelligent family line.

  His ceremonious way of talking was captivating like watg a perfectly tailored fish swim.

  With each passing sed, my admiration for him grows to eveer heights.

  In the er of my eye, I see Bastien, Cyrus, Dorian, and many of the others doing the same. Although they were usually rowdy, they seemed to know when propriety mattered and switched without fail. How mesmerizing...

  Throughout the night, I follow Lucas as he establishes himself with ead every notable scout on the floor. Finally he finishes his rapport with the st one and all that's left is the closing remarks before the event finally ends.

  "You okay?" he whispers to me at the catering area.

  I nod.

  Even so, he begins to look around the space for something.

  "Ah... there's a baly. We go out to talk for a moment before it all ends," he notes. "e on."

  Stepping out of the main pza we walk into the cool air of the outside veranda. He closes the pretty opaque gss behind us and finally we talk alone.

  "Ah... freedom!" he yells out into the distance.

  I stare at him in shock.

  "Don't worry!" he ughs. "The door is thick. They 't hear me."

  I look down the railing and see how far the ground is from us. I try not to be anxious, but I still find myself slipping closer to him in an attempt to calm myself.

  We look into the distanext to one another. I notice that he's bee quiet again and gowards him.

  Lucas leans on the beautifully carved metal railings. Moonlight refleg in his flicted, hazel, eyes.

  "Are you okay?" I ask.

  "Do you want the truth?" he looks at me with a smile but a downcast expression.

  "Yes..." I reply.

  "I... don't know anymore, Damien. I thought I would be after today. But holy, I feel even worse right now." he mutters, squeezing his fists together in frustration.

  Approag him with pleading eyes, I pce my hand on his shoulder and say in fort, "I'm sure you'll be scouted! You have no reason to worry, Lucas!"

  He ughs, gently sliding my hands away from him.

  Turning towards me and pushing his cheeks up on the railing he chuckles, "...That's why I like you, Damien. I feel like I say anything to you. Anything at all even if you don't uand. I don't feel that way with anyone else. Not even with Cyrus."

  I looked at him puzzled.

  "When I walked in on you ging, nothing really made seo me at first. For ten seds too long, I probably stood there like an idiot staring at you. I apologize for that, holy... and... I hate to admit it, but sihen I've seen you differently."

  He shifts from one foot to the other unfortably wringing his hands. Lucas is never nervous. I tell that right now he's letting his every feeling be exposed. Bare for me to see.

  "If you don't know, I e from a family of eight. Oher. Oher. And five other brothers. My mother died when I was six and I've never had a sister. You obviously know that in Aurelia-Fields wome allowed outside, so if you had an all-male family, you basically grew up with no female tatil marriage. And I thought that would be my future. That the first time I'd hold a girl's hand would be my fiance's at my wedding. At least, that's the way it was supposed to be. My dad had it all pnned out, yet..."

  He looks at me softly, "Then you showed up for orientation, huh?"

  "And I told a lie," he sighs as he looks back out into the distance.

  "I told you that I didn't tell the principal about you because you were my friend. And don't get me wrong! That's true... But I think... I think that there's something else there. Something I've never felt before. It's a weird sensation. I haven't been myself and when I'm with you, I just... I just get overwhelmed with so many different thoughts!"

  "And you! You're not just sur girl. Just being around you gets me thinking about my future and...! And suddenly it doesn't seem so set-in-stone anymore. It feels like I stepped out of the stream that I've been stu since I was born. And now I have the choice of getting ba or maybe... expl a different path."

  He suddenly sighs in embarrassment washing his hands over his face, "I'm sorry."

  "No, it's okay..." I say.

  "I think we're odd... or maybe peculiar. A strange couple of people," he mutters.

  "I like the word, 'extraordinary,'" I whisper looking down at the academy below.

  He snickers, the sound quickly bubbling into full-blown ughter, before turning to me with a gleam of exhiration in his eyes, "Yes! 'Extraordinary.' That's a good one! Maybe we're something to behold, huh?"

  He turns towards me and though we were already close, he closes the distance even further. Our arms sit beside one another, a feather length's apart. I've never seen his eyes with so much passion so I stare back stunned.

  "I don't know how to feel when I look at you. I don't know how to describe it. ...I 't even tell if it's right ..." he mumbles.

  Careful, tender, hands slip behind my ear brushing away my short hair. At this point we were so close a soft breeze could throw into his arms.

  "Do you feel the same?" he whispers.

  My voice is caught within my throat, eyes locked with his.

  "I'm not sure..." I mumble.

  A soft blush captures his cheeks.

  His voies so low, I barely hear it, "But we bsp;know for sure..."

  "May... may I kiss you?"

  "...Okay," I reply almost silently.

  He leans down and I move in. The cool air is repced by heat as his warm lips meet mine. And through it all, my heart pounds within my chest. His left hand on my cheek and right hand running through my hair as my fingers y lightly on his arms.

  But as time passes, I realize that the pounding in my chest is not a product of this loving moment.

  No, instead I realize that it's ing from the fear that a person may walk in and find us this way. That my cover would be blown and I would disappoint Father.

  Feeling him break away from me, I open my eyes.

  And from Lucas' face, I tell that our kiss was something special for him. The way he's looking at me... it's an expression I have never seen before. Light eyes sparkling, staring right into mine. Lips still slightly parted as if in shock.

  A for me... everything feels the same.

  His warmth is once again quickly repced by the cool air.

  Like it had never happe all.

  In fact, at this moment I feel the crushi of the world bearing down on me, squeezing the breath from my lungs.

  My first kiss was nothing like the storybooks, nothing like the fragile dreams I had dared to let linger in my mind. I never hoped to fall in love, but I had hoped for something—something different. I had hoped that with him, the one person who means more to me than aside my family, I'd find something new. A key to unlock the s that have ted around my heart.

  A, life feels just as hollow, just as heavy, as it always has.

  And that realization. That realization that nothing will ever ge. It hurts more than I describe.

  I hold a forced smile watg Lucas' favelope in red.

  "...That was my first," he ughs, rubbing his fa a mixture of embarrassment and happiness.

  "Mine as well," I reply, quietly.

  "I guess we're bound then, huh?" he chuckles as he iwines his fingers with mine.

  I smile back.

  I smile, but this moment only seemed to act as a catalyst that would form something terrible in the deep recesses of my heart. A bottomless pit.

  Younger Camille was gone.

  This was her final reach for something outside of her predestined fate... and it failed her. But, I should've knower than to reach for something greater. I'm a tool and my role is t glory to Father. It's always been.

  Hope only begets disappoi and here I am disappointed.

  And I won't be disappointed again.