19

  A group of gold armoured guards meet them at entrance

  One asks, "Who goes there with our Valkyrie so fair?"

  Thor then stares at them, snorts and says, "What a hindrance."

  "It's Lord Thor," the guard's tone goes an octave higher

  In his now effeminate voice the guard declares

  "The noble, brave and strong Thor returns to Asgard

  Let Allfather know. Don't walk, take the flying chair"

  Thor shakes his head, " There is no need for a vanguard

  I'm not here for long, just give my father this card

  Where is Heimdall, is he slacking off on his job?"

  'Tis strange not to see him patrolling the front yard

  Did he go to visit his dearest friend called Bob?"

  The guard replies, "Heimdall left to avoid the mob

  He's gone on a long vacation to Hawaii

  Don't worry good Prince, we'll make sure no one comes to rob

  Asgard. I will guard this bridge well, I guarantee."

  "Take a chair," says Thor to his party, "One two three

  The demonic bird will fly on its own two wings

  Soon we'll be feasting, and drinking mead, perhaps tea

  While listening to Asgard's beautiful girls sing

  Eh, Peter Peterson? Do you fancy a fling?

  There are lots of beautiful girls your age here too"

  Peter scowls, "Mary is my one and my true Spring

  Other women, despite their looks, I won't pursue

  "Indeed," says Thor, you're a Peterson through and through"

  Smiling more and more, he sits on one flying chair

  "You're ten out of ten in my character review

  And you," he turns to James, "you had better not dare

  (Asgard's pretty women are off limits to you)

  "Why good Sir," says James, "What do you think I would do?

  I'm a gentleman, bon ton, full of dignity

  I bring no disgrace, as sure as the sky is blue

  And I have had it with all of your bigotry"

  "To fight me," Thor grins, " you have no ability

  Come, let us make amends, please forgive me my friend

  It's been tough for you. You have all my sympathy

  While at home, all hostilities I will suspend

  On gold chairs they fly through the air and then descend

  To a hall so large it could fit a small country

  Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.

  A soldier, in fur, wool and mail, the door attends

  "Einherjar," says Thor, "today do they serve curry?"

  "Just the usual goat piss and boar, you're funny,"

  The warrior laughs, as he opens the big door,

  "Welcome to Valhalla, Thor, you look so hungry

  Teardrops fall down Thor's cheeks, "This brings back memories

  Time to drink some magic goat urine all of you

  It's the best mead and it will give you energy

  Let us dine on Saehrimnir. There's some chicken too!

  "Don't worry ‘bout picking fights here, matters not who

  All your wounds will heal, and the fights will make you pals"

  Peter cuts his finger to see if it is true

  The cut heals. Everything follows Thor's rationale

  Then many warriors wage a battle royale

  Giving it their all in the Hall of Valhalla

  James looks, "All this fighting can't be good for morale

  Nice meal! You wouldn't happen to have a banana?

  20

  The chaos ensues while James eats his yellow fruit

  Thor walks to the weapon pile and picks a hammer

  "Why are they fighting? Asked James, "what is their dispute?"

  Thor then grins, "they don't take kindly to bad grammar.

  Just kidding," he says, "They just enjoy the clamour

  Eat, drink, sleep and fight, this is our paradise.

  I think that you had best quickly don some armour

  If you don't want to see your guts take my advice

  For Peter, some chain and mail I think should suffice

  'Tis not a good sight to see what's inside come out

  The fop called James will be left to his own device

  'Twill be an epiphany for him I don't doubt"

  James is indignant, "Dear Sir, what is this about?

  I know that you and I got off on the wrong foot

  I know that i have acted like an ass throughout

  Without wearing armour here I will go kaput!"

  Thor shakes his head, "Please stop. I don't need your input

  This is just training," the Nord looks like a painting

  And James 'The Scream' by Edvard Munch. Thor says"Stay put,

  And wait for a minute, then fight the remaining."

  "The remaining who? asks James, my strength is waning

  As I look upon all this bloody spectacle

  The sight of spilt organs is energy draining

  Let's do this when I'm feeling more amenable"

  "Einherjars," shouts Thor, "this fop's a professional

  He's strong and brave. A warrior from the cradle

  Come, one and all, and test your sword on his mettle

  Whoever wins will sit and eat at my table"

  James is most put out by the god Thor's betrayal

  He picks up sword and shield off from the ground and swings

  But his opponents soon prove to be most fatal

  Against them his weapons feel like thin, tiny strings

  Peter joins the fallen warriors, his sword stings

  James on the buttocks. "Et tu Brute?" Viscount screams

  James jumps up high like his legs are made out of springs

  And he manages to climb onto the hall's beams

  "You can't die," shouts Thor, "You're no warrior it seems

  Just fight and fight until you overcome your fears

  James stays above and screams defiance, "In your dreams."

  Mocking bird wakes up, "Hey chump, you have any beers?"

  "Demonic bird," says Thor, "go now and peck his ears,"

  Thor launches Mocking Bird at James, "Screw you Thor whore"

  The bird shouts and then the hall erupts in loud cheers

  For Thor's aim is spot on and James hits the hard floor

  "Alright now," says Thor, "fair maiden will you keep score?"

  He turns and asks a very well endowed woman

  "For you my lord," she smiles, "I will do even more

  I can even be your comfortable cushion"

  "If Sif finds out she'll turn me into a footman

  Just keep score of James the fop's fabulous duels

  I need to leave for now to dress in some woollens

  Keep it clean guys, please don't aim for the crown jewels

  "Alright," shouts James, face turning red, "come on you fools

  I'll show you what a British pugilist can do"

  He throws away all his lethal warrior tools

  And brandishes his fists at the impatient queue

  After hours of torture, James makes a breakthrough

  He goes on to win all his duels hereafter

  He even pursues one of them and throws his shoe

  He is so happy now he can't stop his laughter

  He doesn't know that the Einherjar (are) good actors

  They let him win for they feel so sorry for him

  His timing and footwork are a real disaster

  James grins and says proudly,"I learnt this in my gym"