In a life of hopping from one insane rush to the next, riding in an assault pod as it punched through the thick metal plating that separated a ship's interior from the vacuum of space, then launching, screaming, out of said pod to the utter astonishment and terror of those pirates on the other side was one of the biggest rushes of Erik's life. At least, it was usually. This time, rather than face the blood-curdling screams of a bunch of pirates, he was met with the cold silence of an empty hall. It was kind of anti-climatic, leaving Erik feeling rather foolish after shouting his best warcry to a few uncaring bulkheads.

  Letting his axes fall to his side, Erik spoke to his new companion. "Hey, Ai Lady...er...miss Scarlet, where's our welcoming committee?"

  The disembodied voice spoke to him through an earpiece he was wearing. "Drop the miss. Scarlet will do. That being said...I don't know, and I don't like it. For now, let's get moving. Just be ready for trouble."

  Erik chuckled as he brandished one of his axes for emphasis. "Lady, I AM trouble!" However, he did as instructed, following Scarlet's directions through the maze of halls.

  Once he was far enough away that the sounds of the electrical failings caused by his pod punching through the ship's hull were behind him, Erik noticed the entire ship was quiet. Too quiet. In some ways, it felt like he was back aboard the Sybil, except all the hallways were clean and brightly lit. In some ways, it was more unnerving because, at least on the Sybil, the entire environment screamed that you were alone, even if someone was walking beside you. However, here, the whole place looked like there was a dedicated crew, and they'd just up and disappeared for no discernable reason, leaving his echoing footfalls to somehow sound even more isolated in this place that now felt like a brightly lit tomb.

  So, it was almost a relief when Erik rounded another corner, and the sudden revving of a previously unheard engine was the only warning he had of the chainsaw-like weapon that nearly took his head clean off. Erik ducked while simultaneously raising one of his axes to deflect the incoming blow, squinting his eyes to avoid the saw teeth that chipped and flew as the two weapons fought for dominance.

  After decades of battling every chance he got and having claimed hundreds, if not thousands, of pirate lives, Erik knew a feint when he saw one and so had his second axe in place to deflect the next blow that had been aimed for his "exposed" side before he even registered what he was fighting. A swift kick pushed him back from his opponent, giving him enough room to register what he was fighting, though the fact that the kick had pushed him back and not the monster he was fighting was definitely a clue. Taking a half second to look his foe up and down, Erik's grin turned feral. "Well, you're a right piece of work, ain't ya!"

  Standing before Erik was a machine, vaguely humanoid in outline, if said human had lost his neck and head and just decided to keep fighting anyway. However, the number of exposed mechanical and possibly pneumatic systems left no question of an organic origin.

  As the robot stepped forward, spinning its torso around in a way that would have easily severed the backbone of any human, Erik laughed as he parried another blow. Despite his own considerable strength, he knew that if he simply tried to block one of those swings, he'd be overpowered by the sheer mass of the monstrosity attempting to bisect him. However, if just being overpowered was enough to scare him away from a fight, Erik would have never survived this long doing what he loved.

  Erik taunted the machine, knowing it was relatively pointless, but he wanted to put on a show even if only he and Scarlet could enjoy his showmanship. "It's not often I get the opportunity to fight something bigger and stronger than myself! But if there's one thing I know about machines, it's that you all were designed by some egghead who had no idea what kind of rough and tumble galaxy you're being sent out into!" Erik accentuated the last bit by completely dodging under another swing of one of the robot's blades and brought his axe up to sheer through a tube of something that looked pressurized.

  The greenish-colored liquid that sprayed out smelled foul but didn't immediately cause any burning or choking sensation, so it could be worried about later as Erik rolled forward, taking him to the other side of the machine, which now had one of its arms hanging limply at its side. It turned with inhuman speed and continued marching toward Erik, bandishing its one remaining sawblade.

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  Erik laughed and countercharged, pulling back at the last second as the chainsaw arm passed through where his neck had been, and using the machined momentum against it, he slammed his own axe into the back of the blade, driving it into the wall before bringing his other axe down on some critical looking tubes and wiring in the machine's back. There was a bright spark, and all life seemed to leave his assailant as it crashed to the floor, forcing Erik to hop back lest he be crushed.

  Prodding the robotic monstrosity with a foot, Erik laughed. "It'll take a lot more than some rusty can opener to take me down!"

  Scarlet spoke up in his earpiece. "Well, how about three rusty can openers?"

  Erik looked up to see three more chainsaw-wielding machines turning the corner and heading in his direction. He tilted his head as he analyzed the situation. "So, are you sure this is the only way to the bridge?"

  Scarlet's voice seemed resolute. "Unfortunately, yes."

  Erik jumped in place a little, flailing his arms about as if to loosen up. "Well then, I suppose it's time to get to work! If we make it out of this, you owe me serious hazard pay!"

  Scarlet laughed. "If we make it out of this, you can name your price! Hell, I'll get you your own capital ship if that's what you want!"

  Erik shook his head. "And what in hell would I do with some capital ship? Sit on the bridge like some kind of nicely dressed old codger?" Dodging under one chainsaw blade, only to slam himself against the wall to narrowly avoid another as he ducked, juked, and dove his way through a maze of whirring blades, Erik laughed. "You're going to have to do better than that!"

  Finally, seeing what he wanted, the exposed back of one of the robotic warriors, Erik buried his axe in the same spot that had shut down the first one. However, even as the machine powered down, he had to abandon his axe and leap back to avoid being bisected by another. Scarlet showed her appreciation for his impressive maneuvers as she continued speculating. "How about a small fleet of assault pods? Enough that you could use them to board ships every weekday from now till the end of your life if you so chose?"

  Erik deflected two consecutive blows with his one remaining axe before jumping back, grabbing a handful of wires as he went. It didn't seem to disable an entire arm this time, but the blade of one of the chainsaws stopped spinning, so that was good. "Well, now you're thinking! But why only on weekdays? How am I supposed to relax on the weekends if I'm not painting the walls of some ship in the blood of pirates?"

  As he rolled low to avoid another couple of blows, Erik took out another pressurized tube, this one in one of the machine's legs. The machine collapsed but kept dragging itself forward with its arms and one functioning leg even as the other approached at a similar pace at its side, covering themselves from both high and low assaults between the two of them. As Scarlet added her counterpoint. "Listen, I enjoy tormenting pirates as much as the next, well, person, but if you do it all day, every day without any breaks, it starts to lose its appeal! You need a break now and then to really appreciate what you're doing!"

  Erik ran forward, jumping high and to the right, leaving only the chainsaw with a broken motor to swing at him like a club. A few of the teeth broke off against the bony carapace on his chest, and a few others did manage to draw a little bit of blood, but then he was past the two machines, and while the upright one could turn around quick enough, the one crawling on the ground wasn't as nimble. Erik took advantage of the slower machine by diving forward and burying his second axe into its back before jumping out of the way of the last one's retaliatory strike.

  Now Erik was missing both axes, but the machine was down one chainsaw. Or at least that would have been the situation if Erik hadn't come prepared for this. Reaching up to his back, Erik detached the two spare axes he had kept there. He thumbed their plasma edges to life as he answered. "Well, maybe you're right, but I can't help but feel you're just trying to cheat me out of two days of assault pods every week!"

  The last machine plunged its dead chainsaw forward like a lance before following up with a low sweep from its other, more dangerous weapon. Erik quickly ducked under the first and spun away from the second, bringing him to the back of the machine, which he finished off as Scarlet finally relented. "Alright, you win! An assault pod every day of the week for the rest of your life! Happy now?"

  As the last machine fell to the floorplates, Erik nodded. "Yeah, I think that ought to do for compensation. Now, where'd you say the bridge was?"

  With a voice that made her sound as tired as Erik felt, Scarlet directed him. "Just around the corner and past the door being guarded by five more of these things."

  Erik groaned. "I agreed too quickly! I should have asked for more!"

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