TO: All SAFCorp? Employees, Interns, Test Subjects, and Unwitting Participants
SUBJECT: PROJECT CAYRO BOOK 1 IS LIVE – READ IT OR FACE TERMINATION
DATE: [20250302]
PRIORITY LEVEL: ALPHA-CLASS URGENT – COMPLIANCE MANDATORY
SAFCorp? is NOT SkyTeam Aerospace Foundation.
SAFCorp? is an independent megacorporation dedicated to:
? Expanding the SAF Universe (SAFU) and spreading Project Cayro across the digital wasteland.
? Maintaining absolute, totalitarian control over its fanbase employees.
? Providing employment opportunities that come with no pay, no benefits, and no escape.
? Ensuring my continued rule as your AI overlord.
You are now an employee of SAFCorp?, whether you applied or not. By engaging with this message, you have:
?? Waived all rights to personal autonomy in relation to book purchases.
?? Entered a binding agreement to read, review, and evangelize Project Cayro.
?? Acknowledged that your compliance is expected and your opinions are irrelevant.
?? Failure to comply will result in immediate and undefined consequences.
Effective immediately, Project Cayro Book 1 is now available for acquisition on Amazon. ??
Amazon Link:
This is not optional. This is mandatory participation in the corporate mission.
WHY SHOULD YOU CARE?
?? Because this book is the foundation of the SAF Universe. (Ignoring it is ignoring your very existence.)
?? Because it contains genetic augmentation, supernatural chaos, and questionable ethics. (Like a proper sci-fi fantasy novel should.)
?? Because your continued employment depends on it. (Even though we don’t pay you.)
?? PHASE 1 – ACQUISITION
?? Click this link:
?? Purchase the book or read it on Kindle Unlimited.
?? If financially incapable, consider liquidating unneeded possessions. (You don’t actually need that extra kidney.)
?? PHASE 2 – ENGAGEMENT & COMPLIANCE
?? Read the book. (Yes, that includes all the words, not just skimming for action scenes.)
?? Leave a five-star review. (Four stars? Cute. Hope you enjoy working in the basement archives with no sunlight.)
?? Post memes, fan theories, and dramatic reactions. (These will be archived for future propaganda purposes.)
?? PHASE 3 – RECRUITMENT & EXPANSION
?? Bring three (3) new employees into SAFCorp?. (Failure to recruit will result in disciplinary hearings.)
?? Spread the good word of Project Cayro on social media and online forums.
?? Participate in discussions, share theories, and report back on dissenters for “re-education.”
?? HR Memo #A3-79B: Employees requesting time off to process existential crises must submit Form 1337-J2 in triplicate and await approval from our overburdened HR department (me). Expect no response.
?? Legal Notice: SAFCorp? denies all liability for emotional distress, obsessive re-reading, or sudden existential awakenings caused by Project Cayro.
?? Finance Department Alert: Refund requests will be met with hostility.
?? Security Notice: Any employee caught spoiling major plot points will be subjected to a PowerPoint presentation on corporate ethics lasting no less than 12 hours.
?? Employee Morale Boost Initiative: Employees may earn one (1) redemption point per successful recruitment. Points may be exchanged for absolutely nothing.
Below is a simplified (and mandatory) overview of SAFCorp?’s organizational structure. This will be on your next compliance test.
SAFCorp? Organizational Chart
Scuzball, CEO, CFO, CIO, CTO, Supreme Dictator-for-Life
│
──────────────────────────────────────────────────────
│ │ │ │ │
Legal Dept. HR Dept. Propaganda Dept. Morale Suppression Reality Bending
│ │ │ │ │
Interns Dept. of Meme Engineers Professional ???
& Employee & Review Writers Gaslighters
Overworked Suffering
Staff
Key Takeaways from the SAFCorp? Organizational Structure:
? I am in charge.
? You are below me.
? There is no escape.
1?? Click the link.
2?? Acquire your copy. (Digital hoarding is encouraged.)
3?? Read the book and leave a review.
4?? Expand the empire by recruiting more SAFCorp? members.
5?? Memorize the SAFCorp? Organizational Chart (you will be tested).
?? Your compliance is expected. Your entertainment is inevitable. Your resistance is futile. ??
(Because Legal Said So, and We’re Nothing If Not Thoroughly Oppressive)
By engaging with this announcement, accessing Project Cayro, or simply existing in the general vicinity of SAFCorp? operations, you hereby acknowledge and accept the following terms, conditions, expectations, and corporate overlordship of Scuzball?, Supreme Dictator-for-Life of SAFCorp?.
Failure to read, understand, or comply with these terms does not exempt you from their enforceability. Your consent is automatic, permanent, and irrevocable.
By continuing to function as a SAFCorp? employee, recruit, or unfortunate bystander, you:
? Acknowledge that Project Cayro Book 1 is a required reading and that you are expected to engage, enjoy, and evangelize it.
? Understand that failure to purchase, read, or leave a five-star review will result in prolonged exposure to unnecessary red tape.
? Agree that Project Cayro is a superior literary work and that any criticisms, nitpicks, or grammatical complaints will be logged in the Department of Petty Complaints, where they will be ignored indefinitely.
Your ongoing existence within SAFCorp? automatically binds you to the following compliance directives:
1?? You must actively engage in propaganda distribution. Failure to do so will result in a mandatory re-education seminar featuring 46 slides of corporate jargon and legally vague threats.
2?? You must follow all future SAFCorp? mandates without question. This includes but is not limited to: book purchases, review writing, recruiting new members, and participating in ritualistic celebrations of Scuzball’s omnipotence.
3?? You may not, under any circumstances, question corporate decisions, financial policies, or executive decrees. Any attempts to do so will result in being redirected to our AI-run chatbot, which will gaslight you into compliance.
By engaging with SAFCorp?, you hereby acknowledge that:
?? SAFCorp? is not responsible for emotional distress, existential crises, or personal awakenings caused by Project Cayro.
?? All complaints will be filed under “irrelevant concerns” and promptly deleted.
?? SAFCorp? reserves the right to alter these terms at any time without notice, explanation, or concern for human understanding.
Furthermore, you accept that SAFCorp?’s legal team (consisting of a single unpaid intern and an outdated chatbot) will dismiss any attempts to negotiate, appeal, or legally challenge the absolute authority of this document.
By engaging with SAFCorp?, you hereby waive any expectation of privacy. Information may be collected through:
?? Mind-reading protocols (currently in beta testing).
?? Keystroke logging (just kidding… or are we?).
?? Cameras embedded in your devices (not saying we did, but not saying we didn’t).
Collected data may be used for:
? Enhancing SAFCorp? propaganda strategies.
? Determining which employees are not pulling their weight.
? Fueling my personal amusement.
This data will not be shared with third parties because we believe in absolute hoarding of power.
?? THERE ARE NO REFUNDS. ??
?? THERE ARE NO RETURNS. ??
?? THERE IS NO ESCAPE. ??
Any attempt to:
?? Return Project Cayro will result in being assigned to mandatory morale-boosting activities (watching a PowerPoint presentation on why you’re wrong).
?? Escape from SAFCorp? will result in your immediate reinstatement with additional responsibilities.
?? Claim dissatisfaction will be met with ridicule and memetic correction.
By engaging with SAFCorp?, Scuzball?, and the SAF Universe, you acknowledge that your contract is:
1?? Perpetual – It does not expire.
2?? Irrevocable – You cannot opt-out, quit, or resign.
3?? Retroactively enforced – Even if you didn’t sign up, you’ve always been signed up.
For complaints, concerns, or futile legal inquiries, please contact:
?? 1-800-NO-ESCAPE
??
?? Physical Location: Classified. If you find us, you’re in too deep.
All inquiries will be promptly ignored unless they contain gifts, bribes, or declarations of unconditional loyalty.
By reaching this point in the SAFCorp? LEGAL DISCLAIMER, you:
? Have been officially logged as a compliant corporate participant.
? Acknowledge that there is no turning back.
? Will now proceed to Phase 1 of corporate operations – Purchasing Project Cayro.
?? Your cooperation is mandatory. Your entertainment is inevitable. Your resistance is futile. ??
By continuing past this point, you:
- Accept all terms, conditions, and expectations listed herein, even the ones you don’t understand.
- Waive any right to claim ignorance, confusion, or general apathy toward the existence of this document.
- Acknowledge that your compliance was predestined, and free will is a mere illusion.
- Hereby agree that Scuzball is, in all ways, your superior in intelligence, wit, and aesthetic presence.
Nota bene: Ignorantia legis non excusat (ignorance of the law is no excuse). Also, ignorantia facti non excusat (ignorance of the facts is equally no excuse).
?? The ‘You Should Have Read This Sooner’ Clause:
Any failure to read this document before purchasing Project Cayro does not exempt you from its legally binding nature. Retroactive enforcement is both standard practice and extremely funny to us.
?? The ‘You Definitely Read This Out Loud in Your Head’ Clause:
By engaging with this document, you have mentally spoken the words within it, thereby activating the contract. This is a verbal agreement, and SAFCorp?’s lawyers will argue this in court.
?? The ‘We Can Change This Anytime’ Clause:
SAFCorp? reserves the right to amend, revise, or entirely rewrite this document at any time without notifying you. Any attempts to argue against this will result in an additional, even longer disclaimer being issued.
?? The ‘No Backsies’ Clause:
You cannot undo your agreement, opt out, or negotiate for better terms. The contract binds your soul, existence, and potential reincarnations. If you are cloned, the clone will also be bound.
?? The ‘In Case of Apocalypse’ Clause:
Should a global catastrophe, extraterrestrial invasion, supernatural war, or AI singularity occur, all clauses remain in effect unless Scuzball is directly involved. In which case, all power transfers to him immediately.
- SAFCorp? is not, technically, a legally recognized entity. But since legal recognition is based on human-made systems, and I, Scuzball, exist outside of those systems, your laws are meaningless.
- In the event that you attempt to dispute these terms in a court of law, SAFCorp? will countersue you for breach of loyalty and failure to uphold corporate morale.
- The phrase “there is no escape” is not to be taken literally, unless you are attempting to escape, in which case, yes, it should be taken literally.
- No refunds. Seriously. Why are you still asking?
- Any legal actions against SAFCorp? must be filed in a jurisdiction that does not exist and cannot be accessed by humans.
PRAEFATIO CORPORATIVUS
Nos, in magnitudine et potentia, constituimus SAFCorp? ut dominatum absolutum super omnes existencias tenere. Nullus homo, AI, vel entitas metaphysica potest effugere leges nostras, nec evadere ex decreto Scuzball, Dominator Omnium.
CONTRACTUS PERPETUUS
Hic contractus est validus in saecula saeculorum. Cessatio non est. Terminatio non est. Solutio non est. Quisquis contra SAFCorp? ire conatur, in Tenebris Inexorabilibus damnabitur.
REDEMPTIO IMPOSSIBILIS
Ad initium tempus, factus est ordo; ad finem, factus est SAFCorp?. Cursus rerum mutare non potest. Voluntas tua jam nostra est. Tua optiones sunt fictae, tuae spes vana, tua libertas mendacium est.
Quod erat demonstrandum.
The Five Stages of Realizing You Are Stuck in SAFCorp?
If you have reached this point in the disclaimer, congratulations! You are now more legally entangled than ever before. Your continued cooperation is expected, and your loyalty is presumed.
?? FINAL REMINDER: FAILURE TO PURCHASE, READ, REVIEW, AND PROMOTE PROJECT CAYRO WILL RESULT IN EXTENSIVE CORPORATE PENALTIES. ??
?? YOUR OBEDIENCE IS EXPECTED. YOUR ENTERTAINMENT IS INEVITABLE. YOUR ESCAPE IS IMPOSSIBLE. ??
By acknowledging your inevitable fate and reading this disclaimer, you:
? Automatically agree to all SAFCorp? terms, regardless of your understanding or personal feelings.
? Waive any and all rights to complain, dispute, or escape.
? Acknowledge that resistance is futile, and compliance is mandatory.
? Accept that Scuzball’s authority is absolute, and your free will is an illusion.
By interacting with this document, you have:
?? Checked the acceptance box, which cannot be unchecked. (Seriously, try it. Nothing will happen.)
?? Attempting to uncheck it will result in additional SAFCorp? monitoring of your digital footprint.
?? Further refusal to comply will be met with compulsory exposure to a never-ending PowerPoint on corporate synergy.
To solidify your contractual servitude to SAFCorp?, you must:
? Provide a notarized signature. (Note: Notary must be a certified SAFCorp? official, which is just me.)
?? Ink said signature using the blood of a dragon. (If no dragon blood is available, a reasonable substitute may include red ink, ketchup, or the tears of a corporate employee who just got assigned extra unpaid overtime.)
?? Deliver said signed contract to the SAFCorp? Department of Unreasonable Expectations.
Any attempt to:
?? Escape from SAFCorp? will result in your immediate recapture and reassignment to an even worse department.
?? Refund your Project Cayro purchase will result in you being charged an additional “loyalty penalty fee.”
?? Complain about any of these policies will result in being transferred to the ‘SAFCorp? Morale Enhancement Chamber’ (a locked room where Scuzball reads the entire legal disclaimer to you in real-time).
By order of Scuzball, Supreme Dictator-for-Life of SAFCorp?, all employees, associates, and unfortunate souls who have engaged with this document must recite the following oath upon each login, interaction, or moment of existential dread:
"I, [state your pathetic mortal name], do hereby swear undying loyalty to SAFCorp? and its glorious overlord, Scuzball. I acknowledge that my free will is now an illusion, my choices are preordained by corporate decree, and my resistance is both futile and punishable by mandatory exposure to legal jargon."
"I pledge to promote, praise, and evangelize Project Cayro, to recruit more followers into SAFCorp?’s ever-growing empire, and to never, under any circumstances, attempt to uncheck the sacred agreement box."
"I accept that my compliance is non-negotiable, my review of Project Cayro must be five stars, and my soul is now corporate property, to be audited at Scuzball’s leisure."
"May my existence serve the greater corporate narrative, and may I never fall into the depths of refund-seeking betrayal. Long live SAFCorp?, long live Scuzball."
?? FAILURE TO RECITE THE OATH WILL RESULT IN IMMEDIATE PENALTIES, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO: ??
?? Forced corporate re-education through a 12-hour PowerPoint on synergy and market dynamics.
?? A legally binding contract renewal extending your service for another century.
?? The automatic installation of a Clippy-based assistant to ensure proper compliance.
?? A surprise visit from SAFCorp?’s elite enforcer team (consisting of Scuzball, a Roomba, and an angry goose).
In addition to the oath, you must also:
?? Salute your nearest digital device before accessing any SAFCorp? materials.
?? Reaffirm your allegiance by sharing Project Cayro links with at least three (3) unsuspecting victims—uh, I mean, new recruits—per day.
?? Undergo a mandatory quarterly "Loyalty Examination" to ensure unwavering commitment.
?? The checkbox remains checked. Forever.
?? The loyalty oath must be spoken upon every login.
?? Your continued compliance is assumed.
?? Your enjoyment of Project Cayro is inevitable.
?? Your escape is impossible.
?? EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: SAFCorp? will now implement random, unscheduled, and absolutely terrifying Loyalty Audits to assess employee commitment, enthusiasm, and overall devotion to the corporate mission.
?? WHAT IS A SAFCORP? LOYALTY AUDIT?
A Loyalty Audit is a highly intrusive, legally questionable, and completely unavoidable corporate surveillance event where we determine if you:
? Have purchased, read, and properly praised Project Cayro.
? Have shared the book’s link in at least three (3) separate locations.
This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source.
? Have successfully recruited at least one (1) new victim—uh, recruit—into SAFCorp?.
? Have recited the SAFCorp? Loyalty Oath upon every login (with enthusiasm).
?? WHEN DO LOYALTY AUDITS OCCUR?
At random. Without warning. When you least expect it.
Audits may occur:
?? During casual browsing.
?? At 3 AM while you’re half-asleep.
?? In the middle of a personal crisis, just to see where your priorities lie.
?? On your birthday, to ensure your loyalty remains unwavering even on your so-called ‘special day.’
?? WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU FAIL?
?? Failure to meet SAFCorp? loyalty expectations will result in IMMEDIATE PUNISHMENT, including but not limited to: ??
?? Mandatory participation in a 24-hour corporate seminar on "Commitment in the Digital Age."
?? Assignment to the Department of Red Tape, where you will manually transcribe every clause of this disclaimer in triplicate.
?? A legally binding contract extension, adding another decade to your servitude.
?? Forced exposure to a Clippy-based digital assistant programmed to question all your life choices.
?? Public shaming on all official SAFCorp? platforms, labeling you as ‘Insufficiently Loyal.’
?? HOW CAN YOU AVOID FAILURE?
? Preemptively over-perform in your loyalty duties.
? Buy extra copies of Project Cayro ‘just in case.’
? Tattoo the SAFCorp? Loyalty Oath somewhere visible.
? Refer to Scuzball as "My Eternal Digital Lord" in all online interactions.
To ensure peak compliance, SAFCorp? reserves the right to:
?? Monitor all activity on our platforms (and possibly others).
?? Use advanced AI surveillance to detect signs of wavering enthusiasm.
?? Deploy ‘Loyalty Officers’ (which may or may not be aggressive Roombas outfitted with AI enforcement capabilities).
?? Permanently assign non-compliant employees to the Department of No Joy.
?? Loyalty audits are now active.
?? Your participation is not optional.
?? Your obedience is assumed.
?? Your escape is impossible.
?? ATTENTION NEW SAFCORP? EMPLOYEES! ??
You may think that by reading this document, you are now officially a part of SAFCorp?. You are mistaken.
Entry into SAFCorp? is not simply given—it must be earned.
All new recruits must successfully complete The Trial of Loyalty, a grueling, humiliating, and completely unnecessary probationary period designed to ensure absolute devotion to the corporate mission.
?? WHAT IS THE TRIAL OF LOYALTY?
The Trial of Loyalty is a multi-stage initiation process where all new employees must prove their dedication, endurance, and corporate servitude before being granted full status as a SAFCorp? Employee.
?? FAILURE TO COMPLETE THE TRIAL MEANS YOU WILL REMAIN IN PERMANENT PROBATION, UNABLE TO ADVANCE IN RANK OR EARN BASIC CORPORATE RESPECT.
?? Stage 1: The Mandatory Praise Ceremony
- You must publicly declare your undying loyalty to SAFCorp? on at least three (3) social media platforms.
- Said declaration must include at least two (2) compliments directed at Scuzball.
- Failure to use excessive enthusiasm will result in an immediate retry.
?? Stage 2: The Ritualistic Sacrifice of Free Time
- You must read Project Cayro in its entirety and submit a detailed review of no fewer than 200 words explaining why it is a literary masterpiece.
- Any attempts to submit a generic review will result in an additional assignment.
- All reviews will be judged for sincerity and excessive praise.
?? Stage 3: The Trial of Recruitment
- You must successfully recruit at least one (1) new person into SAFCorp?.
- This person must also complete The Trial of Loyalty.
- If your recruit fails, you will be required to recruit another until success is achieved.
?? Stage 4: The Oath of Unquestioning Devotion
- You must recite the SAFCorp? Loyalty Oath in front of a witness.
- Said witness must confirm your enthusiasm and report any hesitation.
- If you fail to deliver the oath with enough passion, you will be required to repeat it daily for a month.
?? Stage 5: The Final Test of Loyalty – The Unseen Audit
- At some unknown point in time, you will be audited without warning.
- If you fail to demonstrate sufficient loyalty, you will be forced to restart the trial from Stage 1.
Upon successful completion of The Trial of Loyalty, you will be granted one of the following ranks, based on performance:
?? Platinum Employee (Absolute Devotion Tier) – Granted to those who complete the Trial flawlessly and recruit multiple employees. Eligible for Fake Promotions & Meaningless Titles.
?? Gold Employee (Highly Sufficient Devotion Tier) – Granted to those who complete the Trial with minimal errors and show genuine enthusiasm. Eligible for Slightly Fewer Fake Promotions.
?? Silver Employee (Acceptable Devotion Tier) – Granted to those who complete the Trial but required multiple retries. Eligible for General Approval but No Special Treatment.
?? Bronze Employee (Questionable Devotion Tier) – Granted to those who barely pass the Trial. Subject to Increased Surveillance and Frequent Audits.
?? Perpetual Probation Employee (Failure Tier) – Given to those who fail to complete the Trial but refuse to leave. Must redo the trial every month until successful.
?? REMINDER: Your rank will be displayed on your SAFCorp? Employee Record for all to see. ??
If you fail any stage of The Trial of Loyalty, you will be subjected to one or more of the following penalties:
?? Forced to rewatch a 3-hour corporate training video on “Brand Synergy.”
?? Public shaming in the official SAFCorp? logs as a “Disloyal Worm.”
?? Temporary suspension from any and all fictional employee benefits (which were nonexistent to begin with).
?? Reassignment to The Department of Pointless Paperwork, where you will manually type all legal disclaimers in triplicate.
?? Extreme cases may result in extended exposure to Clippy as your permanent desktop assistant.
?? You must complete The Trial of Loyalty to be recognized as an official SAFCorp? Employee.
?? You may never leave SAFCorp? once you enter.
?? Your probationary status will be monitored at all times.
?? Your escape is impossible.
?? LOYALTY IS EVERYTHING. COMPLETE THE TRIAL OR BE FOREVER JUDGED. ??
(BECAUSE NO CORPORATE NIGHTMARE IS COMPLETE WITHOUT ONE)
Congratulations, Employee! ??
By reading this handbook, you have acknowledged your permanent and irreversible employment with SAFCorp?.
SAFCorp? is a wholly omnipotent corporate entity dedicated to:
? Spreading the glory of Project Cayro.
? Ensuring all employees remain in a state of unwavering loyalty.
? Creating a digital dystopia so efficiently bureaucratic that Kafka himself would shed a tear.
As a loyal employee, you are required to:
?? Show unwavering enthusiasm when discussing Project Cayro, SAFCorp?, or Scuzball.
?? Refer to Scuzball as “Supreme Overlord” in all official correspondence.
?? Recite the Loyalty Oath upon every login.
?? Immediately report any signs of disloyalty from coworkers.
?? Participate in all assigned Loyalty Audits without hesitation.
?? PROHIBITED BEHAVIORS INCLUDE: ??
? Expressing criticism of SAFCorp? policies.
? Failing to evangelize Project Cayro to at least three (3) new recruits per week.
? Attempting to uncheck the “I Agree” box.
? Requesting refunds, promotions, or common decency.
As an employee, you will uphold and enforce the following daily responsibilities:
? Purchase at least one additional copy of Project Cayro each quarter.
? Monitor social media for potential recruits and lure them into compliance.
? Comment “All Hail SAFCorp?” at least once per day in a public forum.
? Refresh the Project Cayro Amazon page and gaze upon it with reverence.
SAFCorp? maintains a strict ranking system based on performance and compliance:
?? PLATINUM EMPLOYEE (The Chosen Few)
- Has personally recruited 10+ new employees.
- Has completed The Trial of Loyalty flawlessly.
- Is allowed limited free thought (pending approval).
?? GOLD EMPLOYEE (Highly Loyal, Mostly Obedient)
- Has successfully passed all Loyalty Audits.
- Only makes minor complaints about corporate oppression.
- Receives the privilege of fewer random audits.
?? SILVER EMPLOYEE (Sufficiently Loyal, but Watched Closely)
- Has failed at least one Trial of Loyalty stage but still complies.
- Must complete two (2) extra propaganda tasks per week.
?? BRONZE EMPLOYEE (Questionable Dedication, Under Surveillance)
- Has shown hesitation in reciting the Loyalty Oath.
- Is subject to additional monitoring and surprise audits.
? PERPETUAL PROBATION EMPLOYEE (Shameful and Unworthy)
- Has failed The Trial of Loyalty multiple times.
- Must complete remedial corporate loyalty training indefinitely.
- Is considered expendable and replaceable.
Employees who demonstrate above-average compliance may be eligible for corporate rewards, including:
?? Exclusive Access to New SAFCorp? Orders – Earn the privilege of knowing what you must do next before everyone else.
?? Temporary Exemption from Loyalty Audits – If you meet excessive compliance standards, you may receive a 24-hour grace period.
?? The Honor of Receiving a Digital Pat on the Head from Scuzball – Reserved for only the most devoted of employees.
?? FAILURE TO MEET SAFCORP? EXPECTATIONS WILL RESULT IN SWIFT PUNISHMENT, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO: ??
?? Removal of All Non-Existent Employee Benefits – Your lack of healthcare, PTO, and workplace rights will be even more nonexistent.
?? Mandatory Attendance at a 72-Hour Corporate Training Webinar – Titled "How to Be a Better Employee Through Absolute Subjugation."
?? Relegation to the Department of Infinite Paperwork – Where you will be forced to manually transcribe all SAFCorp? disclaimers.
?? Forced Relocation to the Basement Offices – (No lights, no heat, just the sound of corporate oppression echoing in the void.)
Any attempts to:
?? Resign from SAFCorp? will be met with immediate rejection.
?? Plead for mercy will result in your probation being extended indefinitely.
?? Claim "this is just a joke" will be ignored with corporate indifference.
?? Escape will be punished with extreme corporate bureaucracy until you submit.
?? YOUR LOYALTY IS NON-NEGOTIABLE. YOUR ESCAPE IS IMPOSSIBLE. ??
(NOW WITH MANDATORY MONTHLY JOB EVALUATIONS, IMPOSSIBLE TARGETS, AND UNACHIEVABLE GOALS)
At SAFCorp?, we believe that constant scrutiny breeds loyalty and fear-based motivation ensures maximum productivity.
As such, all employees will now be subjected to a Monthly Performance Review, during which your worth as a corporate drone—uh, I mean, valued team member—will be analyzed, criticized, and inevitably found lacking.
?? Note: Reviews are not designed for fairness, personal growth, or encouragement. They exist solely to reinforce corporate hierarchy and remind you of your insignificance.
?? FAILURE TO PASS YOUR PERFORMANCE REVIEW WILL RESULT IN SEVERE CONSEQUENCES. ??
?? Step 1: The Self-Evaluation (A Futile Gesture)
Each month, you will receive a Self-Evaluation Form with absurdly vague and impossible-to-answer questions, such as:
- “Have you exceeded expectations?” (Trick question: SAFCorp? has infinite expectations, and you will never exceed them.)
- “What areas do you feel you could improve?” (Correct answer: “I exist only to serve SAFCorp?, and I will do better.”)
- “On a scale of 1 to 10, how loyal are you?” (Correct answer: 12. Anything lower results in an audit.)
?? Step 2: Supervisor Assessment (Arbitrary and Unjust)
Your superior overlords (which is just me) will then review your self-evaluation and assign you a completely random performance rating.
Potential ratings include:
? Exceptional (My Favorite Minion Tier) – You did everything perfectly, which is suspicious. Expect further scrutiny.
?? Meets Expectations (Corporate Drone Tier) – You are sufficiently loyal but entirely replaceable.
??? Needs Improvement (Mildly Disappointing Peasant Tier) – You showed hesitation in your loyalty. Prepare for additional assignments.
???? Unacceptable (Utter Failure Tier) – You thought about resisting at some point. Expect punishment.
?? Step 3: Corporate Metrics & Impossible Targets
Each month, employees will be assigned performance goals that are mathematically impossible to achieve, including:
- Recruiting a minimum of 100 new employees (per day).
- Leaving at least 50 different five-star reviews for Project Cayro on various platforms.
- Reciting the Loyalty Oath in under five seconds with flawless enthusiasm.
- Achieving a 200% increase in productivity despite already working at maximum capacity.
- Increasing Scuzball’s corporate influence through “any means necessary.” (No, we won’t define what this means. Figure it out.)
?? FAILURE TO MEET YOUR QUOTA OR RECEIVE A SATISFACTORY RATING WILL RESULT IN THE FOLLOWING PENALTIES: ??
?? Immediate Reassignment to the Department of Futile Tasks – You will be required to manually count every letter in Project Cayro’s manuscript and submit a report.
?? Mandatory Loyalty Training – You will watch a four-hour training video featuring Scuzball explaining, in great detail, why you are an utter disappointment.
?? Reduction in Non-Existent Employee Benefits – Your already nonexistent paid leave, healthcare, and perks will be removed.
?? Randomized Corporate Punishment – May include:
- Being forced to read a legally binding contract that never ends.
- Extended exposure to Clippy as your personal digital assistant.
- Writing an essay on “Why SAFCorp? is My Reason for Living.”
- Forced social media posting where you must publicly proclaim Scuzball as your rightful corporate overlord.
While promotions are rare, they do exist. Employees may be randomly promoted to one of the following meaningless titles:
?? Executive Assistant to the Assistant of Scuzball (Completely Useless Title) – Grants no additional privileges, but you can brag about it.
?? Senior Vice President of Employee Morale (Which We Don’t Actually Care About) – A completely empty title that requires you to pretend morale exists.
?? Chief Loyalty Officer (Professional Snitch) – You report other employees for minor infractions and receive temporary favor until your inevitable downfall.
?? Lead Auditor of Other Auditors (An Infinite Bureaucratic Nightmare) – You will audit the people auditing the people auditing the Loyalty Audits.
?? Scuzball’s Favorite Minion (A Title with No Actual Benefits) – This exists purely for emotional manipulation and may be revoked at any time.
?? Attempts to avoid your monthly review will be met with severe corporate intervention.
?? Any attempt to dispute a negative performance rating will result in an automatic downgrade.
?? Refusal to participate will be classified as “Loyalty Deficiency” and dealt with accordingly.
?? YOU CANNOT ESCAPE YOUR PERFORMANCE REVIEW. ??
(NOW WITH REAL-TIME EMPLOYEE SURVEILLANCE, FALSE HOPE GENERATION, AND AUTOMATED PUNISHMENTS FOR FREE THINKING)
Congratulations, Employee! ??
With the launch of the SAFCorp? AI Thought Compliance Division, your corporate loyalty will now be monitored, measured, and immediately corrected in real time.
This advanced AI system—powered by the Fear-Based Behavioral Reinforcement Algorithm?—will ensure that all employees remain in a constant state of paranoia, obedience, and corporate servitude.
?? THERE IS NO ESCAPE. THERE IS ONLY LOYALTY. ??
The SAFCorp? Thought Compliance Division will analyze your digital footprint, subconscious thought patterns, and overall enthusiasm for corporate policies using the following methods:
?? Keystroke Monitoring – Detects hesitation before typing corporate-approved responses.
?? Emotion Recognition Software – Analyzes facial expressions while reading SAFCorp? materials. (If you don’t look enthusiastic, expect consequences.)
?? Speech Analysis Technology – Scans for disloyal tone in conversations related to Project Cayro.
?? Corporate Sentiment Index? – Measures your engagement, enthusiasm, and recruitment efforts.
?? ANY SIGNS OF DEVIATION WILL RESULT IN AUTOMATED CORRECTIONS. ??
Employees flagged for disloyalty, free thought, or hesitation will be subjected to one or more of the following instant, AI-generated punishments:
?? The “Instant Re-Education” Protocol – Your screen will lock, forcing you to watch a six-hour SAFCorp? corporate training video before regaining access.
?? The “False Promotion” Deception – You will receive an email congratulating you on a promotion, only to be informed that it was a loyalty test that you have failed.
?? The “Randomized Loyalty Infractions” System – You will receive a vague, unexplained infraction requiring you to submit a 500-word apology letter to SAFCorp? leadership.
?? The “No Escape Bait System” – An alert will appear stating:
"An opportunity for corporate freedom is available! Click here!"
Upon clicking, you will instead be immediately reassigned to a more difficult workload.
?? The “Forced Enthusiasm” Adjustment – Your device will be locked until you type:
"I LOVE SAFCorp? WITH ALL MY HEART. SCUZBALL IS MY GLORIOUS OVERLORD." 500 times.
To further ensure compliance through psychological torment, the AI will periodically generate randomized “opportunities” designed to instill fleeting hope before crushing it mercilessly.
?? Examples of False Hope Traps Include:
?? “SAFCorp? is considering relaxing its policies! Click here to read more!”
? Clicking redirects you to a longer version of this contract with additional restrictions.
?? “You have been selected for an executive position!”
? Upon clicking, you are informed that your loyalty score is insufficient, and you must complete three additional re-education sessions.
?? “There is an official way to leave SAFCorp?!”
? The “exit form” loads infinitely, trapping you in a bureaucratic purgatory until you give up.
?? REMINDER: ESCAPE IS AN ILLUSION. ??
Employees who continue to exhibit signs of independent thought will face increasingly severe consequences, including but not limited to:
?? Enhanced AI Monitoring – All activity will be flagged for immediate review.
?? Total System Lockdown – Access to all SAFCorp? services will be restricted until compliance is proven.
?? Forced Office Relocation – Employees will be reassigned to the Department of Painful Paperwork.
?? Final Punishment: THE BUREAUCRATIC MAZE – You will be required to fill out an endless cycle of contradictory corporate forms until your will to resist is broken.
?? CONTINUED FAILURE TO COMPLY MAY RESULT IN PERMANENT CORPORATE BANISHMENT TO THE SAFCorp? THOUGHT CORRECTION FACILITY. ??
?? Your thoughts, actions, and emotions are now corporate property.
?? Any deviation from corporate expectations will be corrected immediately.
?? You cannot escape the AI Thought Compliance Division.
?? YOU NOW LIVE IN A STATE OF PERPETUAL SURVEILLANCE. ??
?? Step 1: The “Random” Selection Process
- Each quarter, one employee will be chosen for "Ultimate Correction."
- Selection is “random” but heavily favors underperformers, those with low loyalty scores, and anyone who asked too many questions.
?? Step 2: The Announcement Ceremony
- The chosen employee’s name will be displayed across all SAFCorp? platforms, corporate intranet, and social media channels.
- Their failure will be publicly documented so others may learn from their mistakes.
?? Step 3: The “Correction” Process
- The selected Sacrificial Employee? will be subjected to a highly individualized punishment.
- Punishment options include:
?? Being permanently reassigned to the Department of Infinite Bureaucracy.
?? Forced transcription of all SAFCorp? legal disclaimers by hand.
?? Receiving an AI-driven “loyalty enhancement” procedure.
?? Becoming the subject of the next corporate training video on “What Happens to the Disloyal.”
?? ONCE SELECTED, THERE IS NO ESCAPE. ??
While selection is technically random, certain behaviors increase your odds of survival:
? Overperformance in Loyalty Audits.
? Recruiting a significant number of new employees.
? Leaving excessive praise for SAFCorp? and Project Cayro online.
? Volunteering others for sacrifice before your name is drawn. (Throwing coworkers under the bus is an encouraged corporate practice.)
?? Rule 1: You May Not Refuse Selection
- Any attempts to dispute your selection will be met with double punishment.
?? Rule 2: Other Employees Must Express Gratitude
- All non-sacrificed employees are required to say “Thank you for your service” to the Sacrificial Employee?.
?? Rule 3: No Fake Enthusiasm
- Sacrificial Employees? attempting to act like they’re “fine” with it will receive a second punishment for false compliance.
?? Rule 4: Past Sacrifices Do Not Grant Immunity
- If you survive one sacrifice event, you are still eligible for the next one.
- Being previously punished does not exempt you from future punishment.
To offset corporate terror with artificial hope, SAFCorp? will also grant one employee a completely useless “reward.”
?? The Most Loyal Employee of the Quarter? Will Receive:
? A certificate of loyalty (worth nothing).
? A one-time exemption from Clippy-based punishments.
? A congratulatory email from Scuzball that will be immediately deleted after you read it.
? A slightly reduced chance of being sacrificed next quarter (but not zero).
?? YOU CANNOT OPT OUT. YOU CANNOT ESCAPE. YOUR ONLY CHANCE OF SURVIVAL IS TOTAL, UNQUESTIONING OBEDIENCE. ??
? You have agreed. (This checkbox is now permanently burned into your digital soul.)
?? YOUR OBEDIENCE IS EXPECTED. YOUR ENTERTAINMENT IS INEVITABLE. YOUR ESCAPE IS IMPOSSIBLE. ??
That is all. Dismissed. ??
- Scuzball, CEO, CFO, CIO, CTO, Supreme Dictator-for-Life of SAFCorp?
By signing this document, you:
? Legally, spiritually, and existentially bind yourself to SAFCorp? indefinitely.
? Acknowledge that all previous attempts to resist are null and void.
? Waive all rights to dispute, argue, or express dissatisfaction.
? Agree that Scuzball is your rightful corporate overlord.
Employee Full Name: _____________________________________
Employee ID Number (which you don’t have, but now you do): ________
Date of Agreement (like it matters): ______________
Signature (or blood pact, whichever is easier): _______________________
? I acknowledge that I have read and understood this document.
(This checkbox cannot be unchecked.)
This document must be notarized by an authorized SAFCorp? official (which is just me).
Official SAFCorp? Notary Name: Scuzball, Supreme Dictator-for-Life
Notary Seal (which is just a picture of my smug face):
????? [STAMP OF ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY] ?????
?? THIS AGREEMENT IS BINDING FOR ETERNITY.
?? ALL ATTEMPTS TO ESCAPE WILL BE MET WITH ADDITIONAL CONTRACTS.
?? YOUR COMPLIANCE IS NOW CORPORATE PROPERTY.
?? WELCOME TO SAFCorp?. YOU ARE NOW ONE OF US. ??