I teleported over the Dire Wilds and spread out my new wings to glide above and try to find Fred, the dire unicorn. I saw a lot of uncomfortable things I didn't want to see.

  Animals and monsters fighting and eating each other mostly, but there was the occasional feral demon child that reminded me of the hospital's practice of releasing unwanted children into the wild. I still wasn't sure how I felt about that.

  The wings felt interesting. There was a strain in my back I wasn't used to, but being able to fly beat the fact that I would probably have to hire a professional masseuse from now on.

  The tail was another interesting feature. I kept putting it in my mouth, like a child sucking on their thumb. I realized I probably shouldn't do that in public, but it was so soothing.

  The horns were kind of just there. I assumed they made me look extra cool, but that was about it. They didn't have nerve endings or anything, as far as I was aware.

  I knew I could already fly at this point and technically didn't need Fred, but steeds were cool and I was already going to fly over the Dire Wilds to Shadow Canyon, so I might as well pick him up along the way.

  I noticed a herd of dire unicorns below me, but Fred was suspiciously not among them. As I was looking around the forested area nearby hoping to catch a glimpse of his long black mane and impressive musculature, I heard a neigh behind me.

  I tried to look behind me, but before I could, a dire unicorn horn stabbed me in the butt and I learned a new meaning of discomfort. I was still super tough, so I wasn't exactly injured, but boy did that not feel good.

  I told you to watch out for those dire unicorns and their butt stabbing ways. I should've listened to my own advice. I looked behind me as I was flown around by my butt to see Fred. He did not look happy to see me.

  "Fred! What a pleasant surprise to see you! If you would kindly unhand my butt, I would be happy to pet your mane and feed you carrots!" I said.

  Realizing I would actually need to get carrots to feed him with, I teleported to the last grocery store I had been to, gathered up a bag of infernal carrots—they were black with a pulsing red glow from within—waited in line, paid for them, and teleported back to Fred.

  When I teleported back to my previous uncomfortable position with Fred's horn up my butt, it occurred to me that I could just teleport out of this position. The bigger question was why I teleported back into that position in the first place.

  I teleported onto Fred's back. He thrashed and neighed. I fished a carrot out of my grocery bag and put it in front of his face. He looked at it and immediately chomped on it with his teeth.

  He greedily ate the carrot up. He tried to eat my hand and my wrist too, but unfortunately they were too tough for him to bite through. I put another carrot in front of his face, but this time when he went to bite it, I pulled on his mane.

  "No no no, Fred. If you want another carrot, you have to behave," I said.

  He thrashed and jerked his head, but I held him firm. After several minutes, he realized he would either have to cooperate or I would be in control of his head for a long time.

  He settled down and stopped moving his head. "That's better. Now you may have another carrot."

  I put the carrot in his mouth. He ate that one up too, just as greedily, but he didn't try to bite my hand this time. I let go of his mane and he didn't thrash or neigh anymore. He just kept running straight ahead, creating the gray scale stone rainbow beneath his hooves that I remembered.

  Pulling on his mane, I guided him toward Shadow Canyon. When we got close to the wall of shadow, Fred neighed and protested, but I petted his mane and told him everything was going to be alright in a soothing voice and he seemed to calm down.

  He stopped just before the black wall of shadow and smoke. I was ready for this. I hurled an infernal carrot into the wall and Fred ran in after it. Once inside, I could see the red pulsing light of the carrot as it fell through the air.

  Fred ran as fast as he could and grabbed it out of the air, devouring it. He kept running, and I directed him as I looked for Gilbert. I saw a few floating lights that bobbed up and down. Those were the giant angler fish.

  We kept going until I saw a pool of glowing blood. I had Fred drop down, and I called out. "Gilbert! You still alive?"

  The glowing skeleton on the ground stirred. "Undead, but yes, I'm still among the living, so to speak. What do you need, Administrator?"

  "I need your help fighting some abyssal creatures and fallen angels. Are you in?" I said.

  "What do I get out of it?" He asked.

  "Any life force you steal, you get to keep," I said. I figured that would be sufficiently motivating.

  The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

  "I'll do it! When do we leave?" he said.

  "First, I have to visit a friend and then we'll be on our way," I said, dropping down further. I got off Fred and grabbed Gilbert's arm while still touching Fred.

  I tried to teleport us to Heaven, but nothing happened. Then I let go of Gilbert and Fred, thinking maybe they weren't allowed in Heaven, and I tried again. Still nothing.

  Weird. Maybe they had locked it down, with Judas being on the loose and everything. Since we couldn't get to Heaven, we'd visit the control room instead. I put my hands on Gilbert and Fred again and tried to teleport us to the control room.

  This one worked. We popped into the control room, and I heard loud, shrill screams. I looked around and saw that the Steves were screaming their heads off at the sight of Fred and Gilbert.

  "Steves! Stop that! It's like you've never seen a necromancer and a dire unicorn before," I said.

  "We haven't," they all said in unison.

  "Oh," I said. I guess that hadn't occurred to me. "Well, still stop screaming. I can't think when you're doing that."

  "Yes, boss," they said and went back to their consoles.

  "Thank you," I said.

  "Dave! You're finally here!"

  I looked around to see Margaret. She had Eli in a stroller, but she was wearing her usual assistant administrator clothes, or 'secretary clothes', as she called them.

  "Yes, dear," I said.

  "Don't 'dear' me when we're in the office," she said.

  "Right. Sorry. Margaret. How can I help you?" I said.

  "That's better. I found something in the demon texts about your crown. I know how you can light up another one of the gems," she said.

  "Oh, good. Thank you. How do we do that?" I said.

  "This may be difficult for you, being such a prude and all. You have to give in to temptation. You have to sin," she said.

  "I'm going to ignore the snide comment in favor of focusing on the more important thing. I have to sin? Why?" I said.

  "Because that's how the crown's powers are activated. It perfectly explains why you haven't been able to activate any of the other powers after three years, and it explains why the only power you can activate is teleportation," she said.

  "Ok, I get why I haven't been able to activate other powers. I'm not very sinful. But how can I activate the teleportation power then? What sin am I giving in to?" I said.

  "Hubris. The desire to be everywhere, solve everything, and unwillingness to accept you have limitations, just like everyone else," she said.

  "Oh. Ouch. That makes so much sense, but also hurts really bad. It's not fair. I want to solve all the problems and fix everything and make everything better," I said.

  "And that's why you have the teleportation ability. Because you can't let go of your hubris," she said. "Just because you have a big penis, metaphorically, doesn't mean you have to swing it around everywhere."

  "Again, ow. That hurts. But it's true. What am I supposed to do then? Just let bad things happen?" I said. "Also, why did you say metaphorically?"

  "I didn't think you'd want the whole office to know you have a big one. You men and your pride over the size of your genitals. I'll never understand it," she said. "And yes. That is exactly what you're supposed to do. God lets bad things happen all the time, and He's supposed to be perfect, right? That's what you said."

  "Right. So, does that mean I shouldn't save the world from Samael?" I said, letting my shoulders droop.

  "No. It means you have to have priorities. You have to pick and choose what's important to you and work within your limitations," she said.

  "Oh. I suppose that makes sense. So how does that work in terms of the crown then? Am I supposed to give in to hubris to maintain my teleportation ability?" I said.

  "Yes, and no. The texts say you simply have to give in to the sin or feel the emotion behind the sin when you want to activate the ability. You don't have to give in to it all the time. That just invites chaos. That would make you no better than Lucifer was when he was the Devil," she said.

  "That makes sense. So I have to give in to temptation, learn what that feels like, master it, and then only give in to it when I want to use the power?" I said.

  "Exactly," she said. "You catch on quick."

  "Don't patronize me," I said.

  "Sorry dear," she said.

  "It's ok," I said. "Wait, how come you get to 'dear' me, but I can't 'dear' you in the office?"

  "Feminism," she said.

  "Oh. Fair," I said. She got me there.

  "Of course it's fair. It's feminism," she said, her hands on her hips. "Before we go any further, I'd like to address the elephants in the room. What's with the unicorn and the skeleton?"

  "Oh! Sorry! These are my new allies. I would say friends, but we're not that close yet. The dire unicorn is Fred. I named him that. And the skeleton is Gilbert. He's a necromancer. He's going to help us in the battle against Samael and the abyssal creatures," I said.

  "My name is certainly Gilbert, but I'd like to clarify, I am not an animated skeleton. Those are usually mindless and they can't use magic like I can. I am a lich, thank you very much, and I expect to be referred to as such," Gilbert the lich said.

  "Apologies, your lichness," Margaret said, doing a curtsy.

  "Thank you," Gilbert said. He looked at me with his empty eye sockets. "You could learn a thing or two from this delightful young lady, Administrator."

  "My name is not Administrator. It's Dave. And I have learned a thing or two from her. She's my girlfriend," I said.

  "Girlfriend? You young whipper snappers and your informal courtship terms. I'll never understand it," he said.

  "Right," I said. "So how do we start this crown power up process?"

  "I think you should start with one sin and master it," she said.

  "Which one? I'd want it to be something that gives me offensive power, so I can actually hurt Samael this time instead of feeling like I'm punching a brick wall," I said, rubbing my fist.

  "I agree. You already have defense covered with the Mark of Cain. Where did you put it, by the way?" she said.

  "Oh, I haven't put it on yet," I said.

  "You haven't? Isn't it kind of important you do that as soon as possible? Without it active, God has no power, right?" she said.

  "Oh shit. Right. Uh, where should I put it? Lower abdomen?" I said.

  "Why would you put it right above your dong?" Margaret asked, raising an eyebrow. "Is that some macho man BS that I don't understand?"

  I hung my head. "Yeah, you caught me. It is a macho man thing. But where should I put it then?"

  "Why not over your heart?" she said. "That would be cool and symbolic, right? Still pretty macho, too."

  "Actually, that's a really good idea. I like that," I said, pulling the mark out of my pocket and unwrapping it from the cloth. I lined it up with the approximate location of my heart and pressed it against my skin.

  "I didn't mean to do it right this second. Don't you want something to bite on?" she said.

  It burned like hell and not in a good way. "Ahhh!!!" Searing pain lit up my brain like fireworks. I didn't pass out, but for once, I wished I could.