"Son of an ass," Jimmy Jack picked himself back up. He hoped Princess Jacinta hadn't seen that stumble. Recollecting the torch, he hoped the exit was nearby.

  Earlier that morning, JJ had been snug in bed without a care in the world. Now, he was fumbling around a stanky cave, having been appointed the saver of a kingdom he knew nothing about. Now that the fair maiden had seemingly returned to the afterlife, the chest-pumping bravado was starting to deflate. This place was friggin' scary!

  "Sweet, a chest," our intrepid explorer was relieved to see a provision-holder just a few steps into his journey. He wasn't so pleased when the casual kick strained his foot. After trying to lift the lid, a harder-than-it-looked-on-the-games motion that earned him a splinter, with his free hand, Jimmy Jack plopped down the illumination stick. The flame grabbed hold of the wood instantly, reducing the container into ash in seconds. Jimmy Jack didn't care about the method. The treasure was his.

  Even a man whose academic highlight was "valedictorian of summer school" could make out the prize: money. Not dollars American, but rather, a pink bejeweled ball. This particular piece had to be worth five, maybe ten, units of what they used around here. Greedily pouncing on the currency, the finder keeper prepared to do something he had waited his whole life to try out for real. Using his mouth to make a similar but copyright-friendly motif, Jimmy Jack raised the spoils above his head as he pretended some exposition was being spelled out to his audience.

  "Shit," his butterfingers sent the Purl to the ground, shattering it into a million pieces of illegal tender. "Stupid glass money."

  Frustrated, Jimmy Jack fetched the torch, failing to notice the fire had petered out. It was here where he went from intimidated to shat pants. In the pitch black, he was a cooked goose; a goner. All he could make out on the ground were pieces of rock. How the hell were they gonna help him? Thankfully, his iPhone had survived his initial plummet into Hydenfell. It was a poor flashlight but it was better than a complete shroud. A 32% battery. Plenty of juice.

  "Jesus," JJ was able to make out his first true obstacle: a small pit.

  Simply jumping down and trying to spring up to the ground on the other side, Jimmy Jack learned his 11 inch vertical leap would be of no use in these parts. At least there was a small incline that allowed him easy passage back to the starting end of the tiny chasm. It was also too far to step over. What he needed was a running start. Building up some momentum, he leaped as rabbitly as he could. Smashing his toes into the edge, he was still able to flip over to his destination. He was in tremendous pain but at least he had completed the easiest challenge of his quest. And no monsters in sight!

  "Ah, fuck," Jimmy Jack felt the bite on his shoulder. Suddenly, he felt half a life point weaker. Flipping his light over to the chittering, he avoided a second chomp through sheer luck.

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  It was a bat but it really wasn't a bat but for all intents and purposes, it was a bat. The little terror, the grunt of Hydenfell's bestiary, whipped back into rotation and tried a third attack. Jimmy Jack was finally able to find a way to wield his flash and his sword at the same time. Weakly flinging the blade each time the puny sumbitch crossed his vision, JJ soon realized it would be better to run. This was only after the Not-Bat had reduced him to a heavily-breathing shell with tachycardia. He could also swear he heard a very annoying ringing in his ears as well?

  "Oh, thank you, Jesus."

  Unless it was a mirage, he could make out a big pot of pasta. What it was doing here was anybody's guess but he wasn't about to turn down free food. He needed all the nourishment he could get if he was going to survive. Retrieving the bottle Jacinta gave him, he took a big swing into the red liquid. Wasting no time gulping it down, he was immediately hit with the worst taste he had ever laid on his tongue and he'd had Cincinnati chili before. This was no broth, it was some bitter potion-y shit. However, what little he hadn't managed to spit out was doing something in his damaged body. After braving a few more swigs, he felt in tip-top shape; ready to take on anything.

  The skeleton warrior was ready to test that confidence.

  Like the Non-Bat, the bony bastard strafed around Jimmy Jack, occasionally lopping off follicles on his beard with its blade. After it connected with a thrust right on JJ's dome, he was amazed to discover his head was intact even if he was starting to feel a little woozy again. Taking another drink out of the healing serum, he returned to the fight refreshed and then needed another shot. And another. And another. Following a super painful jumping stab right between the eyes, Jimmy Jack went to perk up, only to realize he had gulped down the entire pot.

  "Yer mine now," the calcium creature spoke. Like Jacinta, its accent was also vaguely British.

  "Yipe," an exhausted Jimmy Jack fell to the ground, willing to take the sack. Mama did raise a quitter.

  "Ah," the would-be killer yelped. In his crumbling, Jimmy Jack had covered himself with the shield he hadn't thought to use to stave off the steely swipes. The ricochet caught the evil-doer smack-dab in the skull and caused him to fall backwards, busting him as badly as the Purl.

  "Gotcha, fucker," Jimmy Jack proudly quipped. Just like he drew it up.

  Now that the enemy was vanquished, it was time to solve the puzzle that prevented escape. A small crack in the foundation shone brightly, indicating he was nearly out of this nightmare of a Level 0. The switch opened the door but Jimmy Jack nearly cried in anger each of the 50 times the barrier slammed in his face the second he removed his weight from the button. Flabbergasted, he finally stopped to look and ascertain components to the riddle. Noticing a big block, he snapped his finger, or at least tried to, and began to tug on the square.

  "Shit," the mass was nearly immovable; doubly so considering Jimmy Jack's wounded panting. It had to weigh every bit of 60 pounds. Taking a break against the wall every two exertions, Jimmy Jack was ecstatic when all that separated him from a way out was a few feet.

  "Miss me, kid?" the scattered fragments of the skeleton started to fly around and rebuild the baddie.

  "Ha," Jimmy Jack shuffled the block onto the switch and waved goodbye to his foe. "I'm in this room now."

  "You think that's gonna stop me?" the villain encroached.

  "No, go back to your room!"

  "This ain't a game, boyo!"

  Jimmy Jack was once again on his ass. This time, he was surely fucked.