Once upon a time in the year 3080 there was a planet called Sifillis, and on this planet there was a portly, very blonde tween named Montana “Mono” Shingles who had no idea where she was. Mono was wearing a dark blue jumpsuit with a maroon stripe down one side. It was one of the favorites of her jumpsuit collection, and she was quite annoyed to have it be ripped and stained from the air-jetski crash she had just survived. Fortunately her brown-and-white antennaed half-Jack Russell/half-Shih Tzu puppy-dog-shaped yokai pal Elvira Daisy Shingles also escaped the crash unscathed, as she only bumped her little rump.

  The tween from Toosh Island- who was also wearing a dark maroon squishball cap with an asterisk on it, black workboots, a maroon T-shirt, grey bra, white boxer shorts, black socks, and a dark pink backpack covered in patches she had designed herself- and Vira were walking on a dirt path, lined on each side by tall green dreckberry bushes. Suddenly Mono stopped short. The underbrush to her right was crackling from the springs of some large animal, and next minute a lugubrious voice oozed out:

  "Aha! There you are! There you are!"

  Vira bawked and yipped at the sound of the phlegmy voice. A great monstrous head was thrust out if the bushes, almost in Mono’s face. It squealed:

  "Oh! I’m going to enjoy this. Don’t move!"

  Vira was going crazy now, standing on her hind legs and barking with her little front paws in the air, and Mono was too astonished to move. The next instant a thirteen foot tall slobberwocky had flounced out of the dreckberry bushes and settled itself directly in front of the travelers. The hairless creature had legs like Baba Yaga’s house, flippers like an irrawaddy dolphin, a tail like a public crab’s claw, a neck like a humpty hump, eyes like a violet widower and a mouth like a cthulhu. Copious amounts of thick drool constantly issued from the beast’s tentacled maw.

  "Settle, Vi, settle!" said Mono, picking up the little antennaed yokai. "Well," she said after the puppy settled and the strange creature had regarded them for a full minute without blinking. "May I help you?"

  "Help me!?" it asked, beginning to fan itself with it’s fins. "You act as if you had never seen a slobberwocky before!"

  "I never have," admitted Mono, secretly wishing she had brought along her machete.

  "Why haven’t you?" asked the slobberwocky, rolling its eyes. "How frightfully ignorant!" It closed its claw tail with a snap and looked at Mono disapprovingly. "Will you kindly tell me who you are, where you came from, when you got here, what you are going for, how you are going to get it and what you are going to do when you do get it!"

  "I don’t see why we should tell you all that," grumbled Mono. "It's none of your beezwax."

  "Wrong!" shrieked the creature hysterically, spraying syrupy saliva at Mono. She pulled a light-blue handkerchief out of her back pocket and began wiping her face. Vira liked the taste of the saliva and tried to lick up as much as possible. "It is the business of a slobberwocky to find out everything. I live on other people’s affairs, and unless"- here it began to wipe its eyes- "unless a slobberwocky asks enough questions a day it curls up and d-d-dies, and this is my fifth questionless day."

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  "Curl up and die, then," said Mono gruffly. Instantly she regretted saying that and felt sorry for the foolish creature, who started sobbing."Okay, okay, I’m sorry, I’ll answer a few questions."

  "Outstanding," sniffed the inquisitive slobberwocky, and leaning over into the bushes it dragged a huge rocking chair out of the dreckberry bushes and seated itself comfortably.

  "What," began the slobberwocky, "is your name?"

  "Well, then," said Mono, "My name is Montana Shingles."

  “Is that your natural hair color?”

  “Yes.”

  "Yes, yes" murmured the slobberwocky, “And what is this furry antennaed creature in your arms?"

  "This is my puppy dog-shaped yokai friend, Elvira Daisy Shingles."

  "Yip!" Vira yipped.

  "Yes, yes! Yip, indeed! Where are you going?" the slobberwocky asked, rocking his chair more violently now.

  "I’m trying to find my way to Schmegma City but I have no idea where I am."

  "Why do you want to go to Schmegma City?"

  "A brown stool pigeon landed on my ranch with a message from my friend Cydroidobot. He said a famous film director wants to make a movie about us and he wants us and our friend Ratsack to play ourselves."

  "Why would they make a movie about you?"

  "Because last summer I visited Bonertania and the three of us got involved in all sorts of hi-jinx and goings-on. Killed some bad guys, overthrew some governments, that kind of thing."

  "How did you get to Cronenberg Island?"

  “Oh, is that where I am?”

  “Yes, but don’t ask me any questions, I ask you questions. How did you get to this island?”

  "Well, no one knows how to get from Toosh Island to anywhere else. The one time I came here I rode in a giant brown pickle that got sucked through a mystical vortex, and I went back home via a pair of enchanted silver squishball sneakers which then disappeared. So for this visit, Cydroidobot got his friends Foulfinger and Nobgoblin to build an enchanted air-jetski that would thaumaturgically appear at my feet and then automatically fly me to Schmegma City. It’s the first vehicle of its kind. At least, it was. Now it’s a pile of smoldering crap."

  "Yes, yes! So what happened next?"

  "Well… my mother didn’t want me to go back to Bonertania. She said it sounded too dangerous which is really annoying because when I told her what happened last summer I left out all the really scary and gory stuff. Starring in a movie has always been a dream of mine so when she left to go buy groceries this morning I packed a backpack, left her a note, picked up Vira and got on the jetski. Everything was going hunky-dory for the first few hours but smoke started pouring out of the engine and I crash landed on a beach about a mile that way." Mono pointed behind her. “I can see that jetski technology is still in its infancy.”

  "What happened after your crash?"

  "I walked for a mile and then met a pestiferous slobberwocky."

  "Yes, yes," gulped the slobberwocky wildly, "Yes, yes!" It spit more warm, slightly sticky saliva onto Montana and Vira. "I never heard anything more interesting in my life! This will keep me amused for days!"

  "Of course. That’s what I’m here for. To amuse you." said Mono flatly.

  The rotund tween started to walk again. The slobberwocky tried to follow her but dragging its huge rocking chair was slowing it down. The beast screamed:

  "Do you think music montages are over-used in today’s feature film motion pictures?"

  “I don’t know! Maybe!” Mono shouted back and picked up her pace, leaving the curious creature behind her.

  A few minutes later she was startled when the Inquisitive Slobberwocky stuck its head out of an opening in the trees. It asked, twitching its slimy tentacles anxiously:

  “Who are your ten favorite film directors listed by age from oldest to youngest?”

  "I’ve never thought about it!" shouted Mono, clutching Vira to her chest and walking even faster. The slobberwocky pulled his head back into the woods, only to be waiting for them at the first turn in the road.

  "Have you ever acted before? Did you do any jail time for killing those bad guys? What’s your favorite gum?" it asked pleadingly.

  Mono gave a snort of anger and rushed along.

  After she had jogged almost a mile Mono said to Vira:"Guess we’ve left him behind this time.”

  “Bawk!” bawked Vira.

  But at that second there was a wheeze from the underbrush and the head of the slobberwocky was thrust out. Its glistening mouth tentacles were hanging limply and it was panting with exhaustion. "How old are you?" it gasped rolling its eyes pitifully. "Who was your grandfather on your father’s side, and was he bald? What’re your top five favorite sci-fi or fantasy film franchises?"

  "Ugga magugga!" raged Mono, lurching to the other side of the road.

  "Do you like scary movies!?" gulped the slobberwocky, two thick lines of snot trickling out of its twitching maw.

  "Leave me alone!" shouted Mono, and this time she ran so fast that the tearful voice of the slobberwocky became fainter and fainter and finally died away altogether.

  "Provokingest creature I’ve ever met," panted Montana.

  “Yip!” agreed Vira.