“Mr Andre Passt. You are a lowly terraformer- a local of the past. What do you have to say about that?”

  “W-well, you see-”

  “I see. I have two working eyes, Mr Passt. Now, let us begin with the assessment of your psychological state. Why were you born?”

  “W-why was I born? Umm, well, due to the love between my parents I would say?”

  “I see. That's very good Mr Passt. What are your central ideals?”

  “Central ideals? W-well, let’s see here…”

  “I see. Now-” “W-wait, I-I still didn’t tell you-” “Shut up!”

  “…”

  “Shut up! You insolent fool, couldn’t you realize I was speaking? Never interrupt someone while they are speaking! Do you understand?”

  “… Y-yes sir, I understand. I just-”

  “Good. Now, continuing from what I was saying before, what do you find to be the most utterly uncompelling part of your life?”

  “Uncompelling part of my life?”

  This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

  “Yes.”

  “I-I-I I don’t know, really. My life was pretty good before the catastrophe, and well… I guess I’ll say how it is now, yes, my life as it is now is the least compelling it has ever been.”

  “…”

  “Sir?”

  “Wrong. That was the wrong answer Mr Passt. Very, very wrong. Your life as it is now is PERFECT! PERFECT, YOU HEAR ME? PERFECT!”

  “Ah-ah-ah y-yes sir! Yes, t-that was wrong!”

  “Yes, you see? Now, tell me again, what was the most uncompelling part of your life?”

  “I-it was my life before the catastrophe.”

  “… Good. That's very good Mr Andre, very good. Now, onto question four. Why are you here, Mr Passt?”

  “… I-well- I don’t know sir. I don’t know.”

  “Mr Andre?”

  “Y-yes sir?”

  “Do you see that device over there?”

  “Y-y-yes I do sir, I see it very well.”

  “Good, that's good to hear, Mr Andre. That means your eyes are functioning as they are meant to, doesn't it?”

  “Y-yes it d-”

  “In that case, can you perhaps tell me what the function of this device is?”

  “T-the function?”

  “Yes Mr Passt, the function.”

  “… W-well, I’m not quite sure, sir, it looks like some sort of… engine?”

  “Yes, yes! Very good Mr Andre, you got it right! It’s an engine! That is exactly what this is!”

  “W-well thank you sir, I-well-I-”

  “Yes, yes, it’s an engine indeed! Look at those gleaming metal spikes, and those sharp-as-razor metal blades! Indeed, indeed, this is an engine!”

  “Y-yes-”

  “Shut up you little piece of shit! Stop interrupting me!”

  “Y-y-yes sir. I-I-I’ll st-”

  “Now, Mr Passt, you are required to place your hands between those two studs on the “engine” to complete the psychological assessment. Will you do that for me, Mr Andre?”

  “Y-yes sir I-”

  “ENOUGH WITH THE Y-Y-Y-Y-YES SIR’S. SPEAK WITHOUT STUTTERING!”

  “… Y… Yes sir.”

  “… Good. Now place your hand in the “engine”, ok?”

  “Ok sir.”

  “… Good. What do you feel, Mr Andre?”

  “… Cold, sir, I feel cold.”

  “Good, that means it’s working properly. Are you excited that it is working properly, Mr Passt?”

  “Yes sir, I-I am.”

  “… did you just say, two I’s at once, Mr Passt?”

  “Y-yes, I guess I did, sir.”

  “…”

  “Sir?”

  “You should be grateful, Mr Passt.”

  “Grateful?”

  “Yes. I am activating the machine. Do not scream.”

  “Scream? What do you mean by that sir- Aaaah! Aaargh! Aaah!”

  “I TOLD YOU NOT TO SCREAM! NOT TO SCREAM!”

  “Aaah! Aaaah! Aaargh! Aaah!”

  “STOP IT, STOP SCREAMING!”

  “Aaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!”

  “STOP!”

  “Aaa-”

  “…”

  “…”

  “…”

  “… Good. You stopped screaming. That's very good, Mr Andre, very, very good.”