Dork Lard Alert!
The Dark Lord is looking for new recruits.
Looking for a job? Looking for protection?
Join the Dark Lord’s army today!
“Why do you think nobody’s responded to our posters? Too aggressive?” Kip asked Zeke. Zeke bent down on one knee to take a closer look at it, resting his hand on his bandaged abdomen.
“Looks nice. The font makes the ‘A’s’ and ‘O’s’ look switched though. Kinda looks like it says 'Dork Lard.'"
“What?” Kip said, “I don’t think so. Oh, I kind of see it. Drat, that’s the biggest part of the poster.”
“Looks like we’re selling a kind of animal fat that only the lamest people on earth would buy. And that’s just not good branding.”
“Crimey.” Said Kip, “What a mess. I shouldn’t have done the lettering myself. Well, maybe people will still get the message?”
“Hey!” A man with a button up short sleeve tripped over a root on his way over. His quills almost came out of his pocket and he picked up his broken glasses off the floor. and said, “Whoopsy doodles! Hey, sorry. Are you the people selling Dork Lard? I’m taken up a spot of cooking and-”
“Get out of here, Dork.” Said the minotaur, “Nobody wants to sell you lard.”
“Wait! Would you like to join the dark lord’s army?!” Said Kip.
“Uh, that’s the bad guy, right?” The nerd asked.
“Not at all!” Kip said, “So, actually, I’m the dark lord now and… We’d love to have a human join our cause. We’ve had many who were human join but we’d love someone who is pre-nonhuman. Not to say that you would become something else! Although if you wanted-.”
“You’re the dark lord?” The nerd asked, “That’s hilarious. You’re like a huge dork.”
“Contrary to popular opinion,” Kip said, “I'm not a huge dork.”
“Yeah,” Zeke said, “He’s not a huge dork, you are.”
“You guys are both lame,” the nerd said, “What is that, a mullet?”
Zeke turned to show his mullet, “You better freaking believe it’s a mullet. Come on, Kip. Let’s show this guy that the dark army doesn’t mess around.”
The guy turned away, tripped over the same branch he’d tripped over on his way in, and got up and ran off into the forest.
“What a jagoff,” Said Zeke.
“Shame. Would be interesting to have some humans on our cause. Do you really think I’m giving off big dorky energy?”
“Not at all, Kip.” Zeke said, “That guy doesn’t know a dork lard from a dark lord that’s on him. But Kip… Maybe we keep on a lid on you being the dark lord for now?.”
“Why?” Kip asked, “I am the dark lord.”
“I know, buddy, but you’re not that strong yet. You’ve grown but some of the battles you’ve won have just been luck. And there will be stronger people coming your way. Especially if we don’t have two floor lords at the moment.”
“Right,” Kip said, “Zeke, it’s just that no one takes me seriously. I have to do something to prove that, you know? I have to… get my name out there. That’s the purpose of this quest, I think.”
Zeke nodded and grabbed another nail from his satchel as Kip hiked up a poster to put on another tree, “Well, time’s ticking right? We’ve been posting these posters all day and nobody’s responded. How much time you got left?”
Kip was too scared to look. He had to get 20 followers by a certain time or the quest would be canceled. He opened his scroll up and saw:
Followers gained: 1/20
Time limit: 23 hours 47 minutes 21 seconds remaining.
Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.
“I have the day left,” Kip said, “This is not good. 2 days was just not enough time to get this many followers. I’m stumped.”
“I’ve got it! Why don’t we check out the dark hall near the edge of the fierce forest?” Zeke asked, “We can do some jobs. You can get stronger. You can spread your good word silently, and we’ll get to help some dark folk along the way. Sounds like a win win win!”
“Capital idea, Zeke!” Kip said as he jumped up, “Let’s go see what kind of stuff we can uncover at the nearest seedy bar!”
“Yeah, let’s hit up Skofflaw’s.”
“What is that?” Kip asked.
“Skofflaw’s is a monster or criminal’s own version of an adventurer’s guild. People can put up jobs where they put bounties on humans and we can collect on them.
“Amazing! I’ve never even been to a bar, let alone an adventurer’s guild! Off to Skooflaw’s!”
“Off to Skofflaw’s!” Zeke corrected.
Zeke and Kip made their way to the dark adventurer’s hall. It was an open concept, no roof for some of the bigger folks. A beguiling tune of strings was played as the barflies stuck to their usuals and the adventurers were there on business. Kip was in awe. All manners of scary beasts and wicked things hung out in armors and swords that could instantly vaporize Kip if he even so much as looked at his reflection in one of the shields.
“A proper baddie’s bar!” Said Kip, “Maybe I’ll order something! Like a real bad guy.”
“Go for it, Kip!” Zeke said.
“Excuse me, bartender!” Kip called out to the bartender, “Yoo-hoo!”
“Kip, don’t say ‘yoo-hoo’ people are going to think you’re a wuss.”
“How else might I get his attention, Zeke? Garcon! Garcon! He's coming this way!”
“What is it you’d be ordering?”
“May I please ask for a glass of milk?” Kip asked.
Zeke sat next to him, “He means brown milk! As in, whisky or tequila.”
“Oh no,” Said Kip, making a sour face, “I’ve tried tequila and it tastes terrible. Like the opposite of milk. No wait, the opposite of milk is chocky milk and that tastes delicious.”
Zeke covered his face, “Please don’t say ‘chocky milk’ at this bar.”
“If he wants milk, then milk is fine.” The bartender said.
“You know it’s not fine,” muttered Zeke. The bartender got some milk that had been laying in an ice chest; he poured out the little dribble of alcohol that had been left in a cup and poured in the milk, then he handed it to Kip.
“Thank you, partner!” Kip said.
“Kip, this bar’s really rough. Try not to cast too much attention to yourself. Maybe hide that glass.”
“That guy drinking milk?” Someone called from the other side of the hall.
“I know there ain’t no milk drinker in here.” Said another voice.
“Excuse me,” Someone touched Kip’s shoulder. Kip turned around. It was a headless horse. His horse head rode on the back of his horse back, affixed upon a saddle, “I know you ain’t no lily-livered milk drinker that just strode into our hall.”
“Forgive me,” Kip said, “My name is Kip. What’s your name?”
Zeke stood up out of his chair, towering over the headless horse. The head looked up. The body stepped back nervously, “He’s with me. And so what if he wants to drink milk?”
“It’s good for the bones after all!” Chimed in Kip.
“Enough, Kip.”
“Sorry, Zeke. That was my bad.” The horse kept backing away and went to its own table.
Zeke turned to face the bar, “This kobold’s under my protection! Anyone got a problem, they can deal with my two horns, then back to Kip, “Let’s just look at some bounties and get out of here.”
Kip and Zeke approached the wall. Zeke could hear whisperings. He distinctly heard someone say “He said his name was Kip, right? Isn’t that…” Zeke shook his head, nerves tangling in his stomach. Kip looked up at the wall, it was filled with bounties set in four rows.
“There are four levels at Skofflaw’s. There’s Dragon tier, then Tiger tier, then Dog tier, and finally, all the way at the bottom near the floor, is Bunny tier.”
“Maybe we start with a bunny wall?”
“Remember that I’m here with you. Let’s look over the tiger tier. Let’s see.”
There were three. There was:
-
Stiff Bones: Price, 8,000 Dub. The picture was of a skeleton. Cause: Slaughtered the Otter Potter’s Daughter
-
Lucky Lester: 9,000 Dub. This picture was of a man with a wide grin and bags under his eyes. Cause: Killed Double Dead Dan twice
-
Anton The Antagonizer: 10,000 Dub. It was a bald headed man with a manicured mustache. Cause: Kobold Massacre
“Oh my,” Kip said, “These are… quite strong, Zeke.”
“You’ve got to start taking out some stronger people if you want to become a symbol of hope for these guys.” Zeke said.
“What about this one?” Kip said as he pulled a job from the Bunny Wall.
“The bunny wall?” Zeke said, “What does it say? Let me see that. ‘Help wanted. AJ keeps kicking sand into our home. We are a group of burrowlings and Aj keeps coming in here and kicking sand into our burrows. Will pay in bugs,’” Zeke said, “‘Not good bugs, we can’t afford to give you those. Just gnats and cockroaches.’ You want to be taken seriously, right?”
“Of course I do… but… Within reason. Besides, if there are a lot of people in this burrowing’s family then this will help complete my quest!”
Zeke rolled his eyes, “You want to be taken seriously, I want people to take you seriously, the best way to do that is going to be through brute force.”
“It’s settled, Zeke. Let’s handle this AJ guy.”
—
“These tunnels go deep all along this area, but the dastardly AJ keeps kicking the entrances in,” The burrowing explained, “My eldest daughter almost had her head crushed because she was attempting to exit when AJ used his mighty leg to collapse our entrance.”
“Of course. Of course,” Kip said, “We are going to help you deal with this character. I want to promise you that I, personally, Dark Lord Kip, am going to take care of this problem. In fact, if you pledged your heart and soul to the dark lord, then we could offer you more permanent protections. I know having a brigade of serious hole diggers would be most helpful in setting up traps.”
“It’s something we’ll consider if you help us with our probelm.”
“And how many are there of you?”
“There’s twenty six of us.” Said one of the small burrowlings with pigtails.
Kip nudged Zeke’s ankle, “twenty six, Zeke. That’s just perfect. We will do what we can to protect all of you!”
Zeke sighed. One of the burrowlings popped his head out of the hole, “He’s here!”
These two simple words caused the other burrowlings to go into a panic. They all scurried around and escaped into different holes.
“Zeke, steel yourself. We have no clue what or who is coming.”
“I have a good guess.” Said Zeke.
Kip braced himself, placing his claws out and a ready stance.
“Well, well, well,” Aj chuckled as he walked up to them, “Looks like those rats brought help.”
“That’s AJ?” Kip asked, his mouth agape.
Aj stood at 52 ? inches tall, his shorts giving him the perfect mobility for kicking, and booger stains on his t-shirt.
“He’s eleven.” Zeke said.
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