Spec wakes up slowly, keeping his eye closed as his body lists the abuse it’s been through. He traces his fingers over the glossy surface of the bunk until they bump against the torus. It lies next to him as cold and inhuman as a pet snake. Still, it comforts him and helps him refocus his thoughts. He carefully opens his eye until he remembers that a copper eye won’t be blinded by a couple of bright lights. So he sits up and immediately gasps as he sees his dad sleeping next to him.

  These moments have always been the strangest for him. His dad looks strong, healthy and comfortable as he lies slouched in an armchair that seems out of place in the clinical, efficient clinic. The beard still looks just right after Spec trimmed it the other day, there’s no sick pale tint to his skin as some other families get as they age.

  For a brief moment the world is still uncertain, as if everything could go back to the way it was seven years ago..

  His dad could wake up lucid and they would pull jokes out of the bizarre propaganda of the day. But it wouldn’t last. Whether it’s the moment he wakes up or later on in the day, his dad will inevitably fall into that fugue state, into confusion or apathy or rage. It’s rarely a pleasant emotion. Confused joy would be nice, sad, but nice nonetheless.

  Spec reaches out to gently wake his father up, holding his breath as those groggy eyes focus upon him.

  There is no relief like seeing his dad instantly breaking out in a bright smile, his relief at seeing Spec awake mirroring Spec’s own. He stands up and grabs his son’s shoulder with a hand that will never forget its calluses. His dad opens his mouth only to close it again, grabbing and disregarding several thoughts before he says anything, as he often does.

  “Are you okay? Comfortable, at least? I thought I had already lost you.” his dad finally says in a voice filled with both worry and relief. There’s that thick tone as well, the one people sometimes take when they are searching for a way to convey the depths of their emotions.

  “Physically I am much better than I have any right to be. How about you? Are you okay?”

  “Spec.. I don’t know if anyone is. I heard some fantastical things about you while you kept the rest of the tent awake with your snoring.” his dad says, trying to find a smile on his son’s face. “You saved people, didn’t you? But it still hurts.”

  “Yeah. I saw things dad. The moments just keep replaying themselves in my head.”

  “I know, I know. But you saved me, didn’t you? And it sounds like you helped the others as well. Remember that, Spec. Put some pride in your heart, so that you have something to hold onto besides those pictures in your head. Okay?”

  Spec stays silent and narrowly avoids escaping into a bad joke. He wants to reject those words, to sulk or deny that anything good can come out of yesterday. But he doesn’t. They know each other better than that, their time for such conversations is too precious to waste.

  “I am glad I could help them, even if it’s just because of my connection to the Exchange.”

  “A Berserker! They told me and I barely believed them! But hey, don’t give me that crap about “it’s just because”. You helped, that’s what matters, and you have to be able to help for it to matter at all!” he says with raised eyebrows as if he’s surprised his own son can be this stupid.

  “That said,.” he says and stops, making sure Spec is paying attention. “I want to tell you to leave the entire business behind and never fight again. But don’t you listen to me! You have to choose for yourself.”

  He pauses yet again, bracing for the pain of accompanying his next words.

  “Spec… You have a choice to make. I want to tell you that I will always be there for you, no matter what you choose. I can’t, I won’t.”

  Spec tries to protest but can’t find the words. He’s right.

  “Nothing hurts more than that you know that. I’m not… reliable. So, you have to find others to lean on and talk to. Don’t end up alone with your pain.”

  He is openly crying now, angrily wiping them away with the palm of his hand as he looks up at Spec.

  “Dad, I know you try-”

  “No, don’t you pity me! This was your deathbed, I thought, just a few hours ago. And here I am, crying about my own feelings. It’s not right. I will go and give you some space, okay? I’ll check on you in a bit.”

  Both of them smile a brittle smile to each other. A teardrop could break the moment. The white lie sits between them, waiting to be acknowledged. It might be an hour, it might be a few days until they see each other again.

  ***

  A gentle sunrise is not a pleasant way to wake up in the morning, it always comes too early. Spec carefully sits up in his bed. He has no business sitting up at all after what he went through, but between the ointment he bought and professional medical care he’s actually healed somewhat well. It’s hard to feel sorry for yourself when your mind replays pictures of headless corpses, on repeat.

  It’s the morning after he talked to his dad. He didn’t, in fact, come to check on him after all. Spec finds he doesn’t mind, going to find him will serve as a decent distraction in a world full of marching strangers.

  His rumbling stomach interrupts his well trodden thoughts. Instead of waiting for the nutritional slurry the infirmary calls food he walks to the mess tent he discovered yesterday.

  //You seem to have recovered. Humans truly are remarkably resilient.//

  Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website.

  “Thank you, I think? I think you win the who-can-take-a-beating-contest Rima, being an AI and all.”

  //Ah, I fear artificial intelligence may be a poor translation. You can call me a synth, if you must use something.//

  “I suppose I’ll call you whatever you want. Why not AI though?” Spec says, unable to decide if he’s curious or if he should stay grumpy.

  Rima falls silent for a few seconds before answering.

  //It’s because… I appear to be limited in what I can explain. I can say this much. Intelligence, true sapience, requires more than stupendous amounts of processing power.//

  “... And I suppose you can’t say what it is.”

  //Not yet. I aim to remedy that. For now, this will have to suffice.//

  “Okay then Rima, synth it is” Spec says, not remotely satisfied. He doesn’t see the point in pressing the issue, so he has to settle for Rima’s promise, even if it chafes.

  As he sits down at one of the long tables a familiar face joins him across the table. Kai carefully lowers herself down, without the armor this time and looking only slightly less intimidating. She’s wearing the dark green camo of the army, which does absolutely nothing to help her blend in among the various soldiers around her, or anything else around for that matter.

  “I can never get over how that shit looks” she asks, mildly disgusted as she watches him throw in spoonful after spoonful of sea grapes.

  “Honestly I’m too hungry to care. Maybe having one eye helps?”

  She smiles and then meets his gaze. “How are you holding up?”

  “Better than I have any right to be, to be honest. I’m mostly healed and neither me or my dad have been thrown out of the infirmary. I suppose we have you to thank for that?”

  “I may have said something.” she says as her smile widens. “We look out for the new Berserkers, mostly so you don’t die on us or end up in a gang or something.”

  “That actually happens? The gang part I mean.” Spec asks, confused as to why that would seem like a good idea for anyone involved.

  “We need to eat too, you know. A guy a few years back was already in a gang when he was connected to the Exchange. He was immediately kicked out of the gang when the leader realized the guy could kill everyone there without breaking a sweat. Hurt his feelings, poor guy, being thrown out with only the clothes on his back.”

  Spec just stares at her with his spoon halfway to his mouth. Never in his admittedly quite short life has he met such a delicate gang member. His feelings are a light prize to pay for getting out.

  “Hey! They were friends and family to him, don’t judge him too harshly.” she says as Spec ducks his head and takes another spoonful, chastised.

  She claps her hands together with a resounding bang and continues.

  “Right! I’m going out hunting for a bit and I want to make sure you and your dad don’t fall through the cracks while I’m gone. I’ve prepared a place for you to stay for a while. Nothing fancy, but you’re not one of those Centre pricks. You’ll do fine. I’ll check on you both when I’m back.”

  Spec looks down at his hands as he fights his misplaced pride. He has no idea if this is a kindness extended to another Berserker or a gift with barbs attached. Few have the luxury of being generous in the towers and none of them got that rich by giving gifts. Either way, he’s not in a position to refuse, even if the ambiguity chafes at his need for control.

  “Thank you, really. I wouldn’t know what to do otherwise.” he says sincerely and continues. “I assume you’re hunting for the CONTACT?”

  Kai’s grin turns sour at his words before she nods. “Yes, yes I am.”

  “Can I come?”

  Kai looks him in the eye for a long time as she searches for something to weigh his worth. Spec holds her gaze, wondering what she will find. Probably just a copper reflection, there is no window to his soul there. She on the other hand has soft brown eyes the color of earth and mud. They’re reliable, resilient and rare in this cutthroat city. He tries to convey his sincerity and conviction as best he’s able.

  “Why do you want to come? Is it an obligation or do you feel like you have to prove yourself?” Kai says with a sudden intensity.

  “Both, I suppose. You know, I felt dumb being praised for saving Juin and Summer when they fought just as much as me. Juin charged against the dragons as if she could take on the world. But the CONTACT did whatever it is they did and it didn’t work on me. So I killed them. I was lucky, that’s all.”

  Kai stays silent as she waits for him to collect his thoughts.

  “I spent the entire day yesterday thinking about something my father said. I was lucky. It doesn’t make my help cheap or easy, it makes it matter. It’s also terrifying. I have the ability to do something now and it’s paralyzing me.” Spec finishes as he lets go of a breath of relief.

  Kai’s gaze turns softer as a small smile plays with the corner of her mouth.

  “It can be. Some Berserkers believe that they got saddled with a duty they did not ask for. They often become bitter assholes because they believe they were robbed of a choice. Others are grateful, perhaps because they didn’t want a choice to begin with.” she says as she leans forward.

  “They’re idiots.” she shouts as she throws her head back and hands in the air, as if she found the answer to everything.

  “Ability doesn’t dump duty in your lap, duty is something you sign up for. Most people can throw themselves into a fire or shoot a gun but few become firefighters and police. You get to choose! So, think carefully. What do you want?”

  Spec is immediately caught up in her momentum, blurting out his first thought.

  “I want that control again!”

  If he had paler skin it would be red as a warning light by now..

  “I know I should think about helping people. But when I think back to the moment I faced the CONTACT, I mostly remember the control and grace I felt when I moved my torus. I could decide what should and shouldn’t be with the sweep of my hand.” he says as he feels compelled to explain himself.

  “That control, I want to feel that again. Building something and knowing that it actually matters, I want to feel that too. But it sounds so selfish! So self-centered. Am I too selfish?”

  “Ha! No, you’re surprisingly honest. I’m always suspicious of the righteous types that claim they only want to help people. Give me a man thinking about going home to his husband's cooking any day of the week. They usually survive for the next fight.” she answers with a smile that seems to touch the entire room as everyone returns to their food. Perhaps they’re just relieved she won’t rampage through the mess tent.

  “You can come, we’ll take the truck.” she says and stands up to leave.