Chapter 3: Stop Calling me That!

  Evan clutched at his chest. The sudden arrival of a newcomer threatened to send his heart bursting out as he yelped in surprise. He was completely shook at the sudden appearance of someone else during what he thought was a private moment. And it took a few seconds of panicked breathing before he could register the presence of the stranger who had appeared seemingly out of nowhere to the left of him.

  “What in the…where the hell did you come from?” Evan sputtered out.

  The strange man pointed to the bridge with a hand that Evan noticed was wrapped in a white velvet glove. “From the bridge over there,” the man answered. “I happened to be passing by and I caught wind of your general aura of misery and I thought I should have a look. So I popped over.”

  Even looked from the man to the bridge. The bridge was close by, but it was still at least a five minute walk away. Not the sort of distance where you could just be at and then over here by the manor so suddenly without someone sensing your approach.

  “How did I not hear you coming? What did you teleport?”

  “Actually yes. Teleportation is a specialty of mine.”

  “What?” Evan asked bemused. He finally took a moment to take the details of the stranger in. The man had jet black hair and a handsome face with a sharp angular jawline. And he was wearing of all things, a black victorian style butler outfit, complete with a tailcoat and a gold chain that lead into a pocket at his side which Evan was willing to bet was attached to an old fashioned pocketwatch. And there was something about his eyes. They seemed disturbingly amused. Like he was looking at Evan and seeing a joke that only he was privy too. It was unnerving. Between those eyes, the outfit, and a face that could literally be described as devilishly handsome. The man straight up seemed like a demon butler straight out of a manga. Maybe he was a cosplayer? There weren’t ever any major cons in his town, but there was a sizeable enough local nerd population to support a cosplayers ecosystem.

  “What are you supposed to be? Some kind of demon butler?”

  “Devil actually, so not far off. I must say for a man who was seconds away from attempting suicide you are remarkable quick on the uptake.”

  “Who said anything about suicide?” Evan said evasively.

  “Ah right, forgive my presumption. It’s just that based on how your aura permeates sadness, depression and unbearable loads of mental and emotional distress, alongside how contemplatively you noted what lovely night to die this was. I made contextual inferences. Do forgive me if I assumed too much.”

  “Yeah, sure, right, you’re forgiven whatever. Um, I was just getting some air before heading home, that’s all.” Evan said, trying to casually file away what the man had said about his aura.

  “Ah, of course, fresh air is important, especially if you’re of a species for whom breathing is a necessity. I have no biological need for breathing myself, but I do enjoy the practice for its meditative effects.”

  “A cosplayer and a role player. Huh, under normal circumstances I’d be digging this guys vibe. But now is not the time.”

  “Right, well I’ve had all the air I need I think. I should be getting going. It’s late and I have to get home.”

  “Are you sure that’s what you want?” the man asked. “From what I can gather your home life is currently far from ideal.”

  “What do you know about my home life?” Evan asked, sufficiently weirded out now.

  “Nothing specific. But I do know that you don’t feel safe. You have a deeply ingrained fear that someone is going to hurt you if you go home. The logical part of you is telling you that this fear is unfounded, but the trauma digs deep into your soul overriding any sense of reason. You don’t want to go home, but you don’t have anywhere else to go.”

  Evan’s heart skipped a beat, eyes widening at how uncomfortable accurate the strange man’s guess about his feelings about his home life were. “How does he know all that? Is he a stalker, did he hack my social media accounts to find stuff out about me? No, that can’t be it. I’ve never put any of what I deal with at home online.”

  “You’re wondering how I know all this.” The devil butler continued.

  Evan nodded, “You…mentioned something about my aura?”

  “Indeed, well to put it succinctly all entities endowed with a soul have an aura that permeates their being. People who have the ability to see such auras can get a general read on things like a person’s mental and emotional state. And your aura sir, well to give you some perspective sir I am licensed professional soul interrogator. Which is essentially just a very fancy euphemism for saying I torture people. And I have never seen someone flagellate their own spirit to the degree that you have. I’ve met people who hate themselves before, but you sir have clearly gone to some rather extreme lengths to hurt yourself. Are you trying to win a self-loathing contest? Because let me say you are certainly a contender for top prize. Mind you, you’re not the most tortured soul I’ve ever met. Not by a mile. But the amount of pain you’ve managed to inflict upon yourself is genuinely impressive. I must commend you sir.”

  Evan blinked and looked at the strange man bemused. This wasn’t just weird it was ridiculous. A few minutes ago, he was contemplating taking a jump in a lake. Now he was having a conversation with a cosplayer dressed like an anime butler from a regency manga who claimed to be a devil who apparently had the ability to rapid fire vivisect his mental trauma. This was just, it was just, too much. It was too much to take seriously. When the full absurdity of the situation finally clicked into place Evan began to let out a light huffing chuckle. A chuckle which quickly evolved into a giggle. And from a giggle a full bellied laugh.

  “Ha, ha, hahaha, hahahaha,” Evan started clutching at his sides as the laughter took over. It felt cleansing to laugh after being in so much pain for what felt like days.

  “Ah, you’re starting to see the humor in the situation. Wonderful. Yes a good laugh does do wonders for the soul.”

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry it’s just…”

  “You were contemplating jumping in a lake and now you’re having a casual conversation with an otherworldly being who can see your soul whom you have yet to decide is the genuine article or just some crazy person in an elaborate costume.”

  “What makes you think I’m even considering you might be real?”

  “The fact that you haven’t started backing away yet with some thinly veiled excuse. Part of you is hoping that I am real. A part of you that you keep tucked away where others can’t see and judge. It hopes that there is in fact a world where fantasy and magic are real and that it might be a path for you to break off the shackles of this mundane world that has slowly beaten you down your whole life. Well hope no longer Evander James Liefield. I can confirm for you magic, or more accurately forces of metaphysical power that to your limited understanding of reality would seem like magic does in fact exist. There are in fact other worlds where that power is abundant. And yes if you would like, I can in fact take you to one of them.”

  Evan blinked. Immediately crossing the threshold from bafflingly amused to disturbed. “How do you know my full name? No one ever calls me Evander except my mom when she’s angry at me. Most people don’t even know that Evan isn’t my full first name.”

  “I fished it out from your aura over the course of this conversation. Finer details such as names and memories aren’t immediately visible on the surface like a person’s emotional state is. But to a person with the right skills they can be drawn out given time and concentration. As I said, I’m a licensed soul interrogator. Finding things about people that they try to hide is my speciality.”

  “I thought you said your speciality was teleportation?”

  “A person can have more than one speciality.”

  “I’m pretty sure that’s the opposite of what being specialized means.”

  “We’ll have to agree to disagree on that point Mr. Liefield. Anyway, about my proposal.”

  “I accept,” Evan said immediately.

  “Just like that?” Now it was the butler’s turn to look surprised. “Really? You don’t want further proof that I am who I say I am or anything like that. If you’d like I can perform some minor feats of matter manipulation, I can conjure a flame, manipulate the water, make the chairs have an orgy, it’s really no bother.”

  “Buddy…Did you just say you could make the chairs have an orgy?”

  “Oh yes, I don’t know the reason why but for some reason the furniture in this area is positively saturated with at least five decades worth of absorbed sexual tension.”

  “Thisss venue issss typically used for weddings.”

  “Ah yes, that would do it. Love in the air. Drinks passing around freely. Ex-lovers on both the bride and groom side commiserating over their missed opportunities. Those things add up given enough time. Even to the point where cheap lawn furniture can pick it up. Would you like to see?”

  Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

  He contemplated the man’s offer. He’d be lying if he didn’t admit to being curious, but then he took in the distorted mental image of a bar stool humping a table and decided that was a path best left unexplored.

  “Huh, I guess do have lines of degeneracy I’m not willing to cross afterall.”

  “I think I’ll pass thanks,” he finally said.

  “Suit yourself, so you’re fine just taking me at my word? No overt displays of magic needed?”

  “I was seconds away from jumping in a lake. This life I’m trapped in is killing me. It’s a slow grinding death that bears down on my soul like grains under a mill. But it’s still death. I need a way out, and I’m ready to take any lifeline offered.”

  “Hehe,” the butler gave him a devilish grin, “I’m impressed Mr. Liefield. Usually people take a little bit more convincing before they get to this stage.”

  “You’ve made this offer to a lot of people?”

  “You’re the twelfth person I’ve approached this week. Thus far only four have said yes.”

  “I take that to mean the price to go to another world is heftier than most people are willing to pay?”

  “It is expensive yes, but worry not the transportation will be at no cost to you, I’m being compensated by my employer to do this.”

  “Someone is paying you to go around isekai’ing people?”

  “In a manner of speaking yes, and once you go to the other side you will be meeting with them and they will explain further.”

  “So your boss has you going around offering to whisk people off to a fantasy world. What is he trying to assemble an army of isekai protagonists with strange otherworldly powers?”

  “I’m afraid my employers agenda is above my authority to disclose at this point in time. All I can tell you is that I have scouted you out as an individual who has significant magical potential and that if you permit me to do so I can send you to a world where that potential can be reached.”

  “So this isn’t a charity offer. You’re not simply giving me a way out of this bullshit life out of the kindness of your heart I have something you, or more accurately your boss wants.”

  “But of course.”

  “What happens if I change my mind?”

  “Then you changed your mind. I will simply take my business elsewhere and extend the offer out to the next person I spy with potential. You go back to your sad little life that you feel trapped in and we never meet again.”

  “That’s it. Just like that?”

  “Just like that,” he confirmed.

  “No bargaining, no trying to sweeten the pot to get me to say yes?”

  “There are billions of people on this sad little rock you call home Mr. Liefield. And many of them like you are desperate for a way off of it. I don’t need to go chasing after anyone.”

  “If I go, can I come back eventually or is it a one way ticket?”

  “Naturally there are ways you can return. They are not easily accessible but they exist. I can even ferry you back if you’re able to pay my fee.”

  “And what’s your fee exactly?”

  “A unit of currency that you presently do not have the frame of reference to understand. Suffice it to say my services are expensive and you will have to work quite hard on the other side to be able to pay my fee.”

  “But it’s doable?”

  “It is most certainly doable.”

  “I see,” suddenly his phone began ringing. He didn’t even have to look at the screen to know it was his mom calling. For a moment he contemplated not answering it. Then he looked to the devilish butler man, still keeping that perpetual grin on his face. Evan’s mind was already made up. He needed way out of this life. He was not well, he knew that he was not well. He was already toes past the edge and if he didn’t do something drastic to make a change he knew there was no stopping him from going over. But he couldn’t leave without saying anything to his mom though. She deserved better than that.

  He answered the phone.

  “Hi mom.”

  “Baby where are you? It’s getting late. When are you coming home.”

  “How’s dad?”

  “He’s resting.”

  “Has he calmed down yet?”

  “You know it takes a few days for your father to come back down after a blow-up like last night. Just come home sweetie, I promise no one will bother you.”

  “No mom.”

  “Sweetie…”

  “I said no!”

  “Baby be reasonable.”

  “I don’t feel safe in that house mom! I can’t go back. Everytime I’m in the house when dad is in one of his moods I’m always afraid that he’ll come up to my room and start beating on me like he did when I was a kid.”

  “Baby.”

  “STOP CALLING ME THAT! I’M NOT A BABY. I’M A MAN. A GROWN MAN. I HAVE A JOB. I PAY TAXES. I PAID OFF THE MORTGAGE ON THE HOUSE. YOU AND DAD STILL TREAT ME LIKE I’M A CHILD, AND I’VE HAD IT.”

  “Honey, I can see that you’re upset. Why don’t you just come home and we can talk about it.”

  “I’m not coming home mom.”

  “Ok, fine are you going to stay at one of your friend’s houses then?”

  “No mom. I’m leaving.”

  “What do you mean you’re leaving?”

  “I mean exactly that. I’m leaving. I’m going away. Far away.”

  “Honey, please let’s just talk about this. Don’t do anything you’ll regret. We’re your parents and we love you. I know your dad has his issues but he loves you too and he’d be really sad if you were gone. So would Joey and so would grandma.”

  “I know all that. But…mom…I’m not happy here. I hate my life. I hate my job. I hate waking up and feeling like a loser everyday. I hate the way you and dad infantilize me. I hate the way dad makes me feel unsafe in my own house. And I hate the fact that I’ve been working my ass off and getting nowhere. This world, there’s just no hope of anything getting better here. I need to make a change. If I don’t, then I don’t think I’ll last much longer.”

  “Sweetie don’t say that. You have so much to be grateful for. You have…”

  “You’re not listening to me mom. You never listen, you just say what you think I should believe and assume I’m going to believe it because you said it. You still can’t get it into your head that I’m not a child anymore who will just take whatever you say at face value.”

  “Honey I know you’re an adult but you’re still my baby.”

  He rolled his eyes, this conversation was going nowhere. “Goodbye mom. I don’t know when you’ll see me again, but it won’t be for awhile. I’m leaving my car in the parking lot of the Lakeview Manor. I’ll leave my key fob hidden inside the front drivers side wheel so you can come get it.”

  “Sweetie stop talking like that you’re going to…”

  “Tell Joey I love him and that I’ll see him when I see him. Oh, and can you make sure he takes care of my books and my pc while I’m away?”

  “Sweetie stop you are dangerously close now to doing something you’re going to regret.”

  “Can you put a call into my office too? Let them know that I quit.”

  “Evander James Liefield!” his mom finally snapped, “you’ve taken this tantrum of yours far enough! Now you get your behind back home this instant!”

  Silence fell on the line between them. For a moment he stood there, just watching the timer tick up on his phone screen as the seconds built up. Finally he took a deep breath and spoke with a calm resignation, “goodbye mom. I love you.” He hung up.

  He looked back to where he’d last seen the devil butler and found that the man had turned to stare out at the lake while he was on the phone with his mother. Before returning to the man’s side he went back to his car. He grabbed any items of personal value from the interior. There wasn’t much. Just his wallet, portable power bank for his phone, eye drops, a tube of chap stick, and of course his adderall. Then just like he promised, he locked the car and hid the key on the interior rim of the front driver side wheel. With his arrangements made he went and joined the man at the lakeside view.

  “You have me at a disadvantage sir. You know my name but I don’t know yours.”

  “I have you at several disadvantages Mr. Liefield, but this is one that I could rectify. You may call me Hapscratch.”

  “Hap-scratch? How do you spell that?”

  “Just how it sounds. H-A-P hap, S-C-R-A-T-C-H.”

  “Right, so is there any particular reason why you dress like a demon butler from a Japanese anime Mr. Hapscratch?”

  “I like the aesthetic. And I find having an appearance that is closer to your current popular culture’s image of what guise a demon or devil might adopt has the effect of better selling people on the notion of travelling to another world.”

  “Right, the whole devil thing. This seriously won’t cost me anything? I don’t have to sign away my soul or anything like that?”

  “Haha, your soul is strong Mr. Liefield, but even it won’t cover what this transportation costs. No, like I said my fees are being handled by a third party. You need only say yes to the ride.”

  “Alright, so how does this…”

  ‘Snap!’

  Where a moment ago there stood two men staring out over the lake now there stood only one. Hapscratch shook his hand as he tried to shake off the excess spiritual residue from his velvet glove that had just snapped Evander away. He might have mastered the spell to the point where it appeared as simple as just snapping his fingers but like all great magic tricks it was anything but.

  “The dimensional membrane of this world is always so gooey. It always feels like I’ve touched something gross everytime I send someone over.” He shook off the last of the dimensional shmear whereupon it rapidly dissipated as it lost contact with his body.

  “Mr. Liefield makes five. That’s enough to meet my quota as per the terms of the contract.” He then reached down and pulled out his pocketwatch. “Twelve hours before the dimensional alignment ends. That should be enough time to convince one more if I want to snag the bonus.” He then looked around at the arrangement of chairs, stools and tables in the cocktail lounge. Decades of absorbed eros wafted off every piece of furniture like a miasma of lust. “I could try to go for the bonus. But I’ll have many contracts to come in the future. When am I ever going to have a another chance to watch a bar stool hump a cocktail table?”

  He snapped his fingers.