"Cheat?" he mumbled. "We weren't together."
"But I forgive you," she continued. "I know you good man. And I good lady. We good for each other. Take care. When you finish work, you come to my home and I cook for you. Big man, hungry belly. Right now, I work too. I have sick buffalo. I take care. You like spicy?"
Spencer looked at Butterknife, who shrugged.
"Okay," Butterknife said. "You remember the plan?"
Lek slapped him playfully on the shoulder, chin thrusted in the air. "You tell us plan five times. We know!"
"Okay," he said. "Since you are NPCs, you cannot enter a guildhall unless you are invited by a Noushead, so we have to come with you. And one of us will have to remain inside."
"Ooiiiii, we know!"
Butterknife gulped. "Let's do this."
The yipping noise of the barking chihuahua upstairs greeted them as the four of them shuffled through the doors, and immediately the women began cat-calling the berserkers within, strutting forward like they owned the place.
Butterknife stood by the doors, prepared to run if necessary. He used his hide in shadows ability while Spencer stood there pretending to admire the axes. He wasn't sure if any of this would work. Lek and Supaporn were proven thieves and had an ability to charm people, but their levels were low in comparison to the guild members. Furthermore, about a third of the berserkers were female -- one of them had no gender listed at all -- and he wasn't sure about the efficacy of their charm skills on them. Aida also wasn't certain, but explained the mechanics of it being similar to the dice rolls of combat, but the dice rolls would get easier the longer they were in the presence of their targets.
Watching the women at work was like watching a master smith forge a weapon. A disarming smile, a light touch on the leg, a whisper in the ear, and their prey were slowly molded into being charmed. Two of the berserkers were already under their spells and were calling for drinks for the ladies from the bartender.
He found himself oddly jealous as he watched Lek sit straddled over one of them, her arms draped forward over the berserker's shoulders. She laughed, sending her hair rippling back in a wave. Damn, she was beautiful.
He shook his head. Had to focus.
He turned his attention to Spencer, who was equally enamored by the sight. He gave his companion a nudge.
Fifteen minutes into it, more than half the guild members were charmed. The plan was to determine who, if any, amongst them stole the squeaky toy, as Donna believed someone had. When they found the toy, they would steal it back and bring it to Butterknife. They could also keep any gold they could lift as well. They had instructions to keep away from Ultimax, Donna, and Reddis. Ultimax because he felt that the guildmaster was just too high level, Donna because she was very unlikely to steal her own dog's toy, and Reddis because he guessed that shopkeepers would have a high resistance to mind-altering skills. Ultimax didn't appear to be in the room anyway, but Donna was sitting at a table next to Zir and the bartender manned his usual position behind the bar.
Supaporn excused herself from a charmed female berserker and made her way over to Zir. He thought that Zir also wasn't likely to have stolen the toy since he just wanted to kill the dog and seemed to hate the barking more than anyone, but while Butterknife had their help, they might as well be thorough. Zir still looked angry as fuck.
Butterknife: You sure this is a good plan?
Spencer: No. Maybe it's best for you to wait outside in case something goes wrong. You can resurrect me and we can run.
Butterknife: If they all turn hostile, I won't have time to cast a rezz spell. It takes 15 seconds to cast and it will break my hide in shadows skill.
Spencer: All or nothing then.
A crashing sound came from Zir's direction. The balbazrim was on his feet, towering over Supaporn. His hand shot out and grabbed her by the neck, hoisting her up as she pried helplessly at his fingers. The woman was only half his height, dangling futilely. Beer spilled everywhere once again, and the pouch that Zir had on his belt tumbled to the floor. All of the charm statuses blinked away from the berserkers at once.
"Uh oh," Butterknife whispered.
Lek sprang onto a table, screaming something in a language he didn't understand, "alai?!"
"This whore dares steal from Zir!" he shouted.
"She no take nothing!" Lek shot back. "Stinky pumpoi man!"
"This whore dies now," he roared. "You die next. And that fucking orc!"
Zir's dot turned from white to red.
Still holding the frail woman with one hand, he grabbed a massive battle axe. She kicked wildly trying to free herself.
Butterknife watched in horror, and Spencer rushed forward. There would be no time to save her, he thought. Even then, Zir would utterly destroy Spencer. His mind raced. This would be the end of Spencer. He would have to abandon his partner and try to escape. The notion filled him with dread and sorrow.
Just then, he heard a squeaking.
All eyes turned to Lek as she franticly squeaked the shrimp shaped dog toy in her hand. In her other hand, she held Zir's pouch. Silence fell over the room, and even the dog stopped his incessant barking.
"How you can say she steal?! You steal from Bytes!"
Zir, with his axe raised, scrutinized the squeaky toy and his eyes bulged. Donna gasped.
"You," was all the giant pink woman said before smashing a fist into Zir's face. Supaporn fell to the ground gasping for air, while Lek pulled her away from the mayhem.
Zir's muscles flex as he charged forward with a primal roar - only to skid to a confused halt as Donna pirouetted gracefully away. She spun around like a ballerina, and a magical tutu materialized mid-twirl as she reached for her battle axe.
"Time for your dance lesson!" she bellowed, combining perfect ballet form with a devastating axe swing. Zir parried desperately, completely thrown off by her combination of grace and power.
Thankfully, Spencer stopped dead in his tracks as Lek and Supaporn ran up, delivering the squeaky toy. He knelt to check on the ladies.
"Was fun time," Supaporn said. "We go now." She planted a hurried kiss on Spencer's mouth. "See you later ka!" And both women ran out of the door.
The berserkers formed a wide ring around the two combatants, shouting and waiving around axes of their own.
Butterknife: We've got the dog toy. Let's go upstairs and get the hell out of here.
Spencer: I've a mind to watch the fight.
This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.
Butterknife: What if Zir wins?
Spencer gulped.
Spencer: Yep, let's go.
Squeaky toy in hand, they rushed up the stairs to the room with Bytes. His hide in shadows ability wore off the moment he stepped on the lamp lit stairs. Butterknife was strangely thrilled to finally meet the dog. He pictured a fluffy little creature with flappy ears.
His excited smile froze, then slowly melted into barely concealed horror as he stared at the tiny, bug-eyed creature shivering before him.
Spencer looked confused. "Where's the chihuahua?"
"I think that's it," he said, pointing at the bat-eared gremlin.
They tilted their heads, watching the tiny creature bare its teeth in what appeared to be a permanent state of nervous rage. The chihuahua returned his gaze with bulging eyes that seem too large for its skull.
"It looks like a rat having a midlife crisis."
Wiki: Bytes. Level 1.
Race: Petallica
Current Form: Chihuahua
The Chihuahua is the world's smallest dog breed, though ongoing debates question whether they are actually dogs at all. These creatures originated from angry potatoes that achieved sentience. [Citation needed]
Physical Characteristics:
-
Weight: 1-3 kilograms of concentrated rage.
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Eyes: Disproportionately huge.
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Bark: Resembles the tightest of buttholes farting.
-
Trembling: Constant.
Trapped in tiny bodies, chihuahuas believe themselves to be wolf-sized predators. They compensate for their small stature with megalomaniacal tendencies.
Petallicas are a pet race that must live permanently in an unassuming form. After sufficient training, they can be taught to evolve into something less...unwanted.
Butterknife held out the squeaky toy in his hand, but before he could set it down, he felt Spencer tap on his shoulder. He turned to find the ghosts of four Nousheads partially obscured by the open door. He closed the door, and examined them one by one, Basic, Camilia, NightenDale, and TheCoolestCunt. Each of them had a strange message appended to their usernames, "Daughter's Favorite." They were all killed by Donna.
"Let's rezz them," Spencer said.
Butterknife: I think it's a bad idea.
Spencer: Listen boy, they are all real people with real lives. If we can't shut down Jiem like you plan to, they die. They still need a chance to do the zombie quest.
Butterknife: Even if we wanted to rezz them, we only have two scrolls. There are four of them.
Spencer: We will have three scrolls after we complete this dog quest.
Butterknife: I'm telling you, this is dangerous. We don't know why they are dead, and we might need those scrolls for ourselves.
Spencer: Let's rezz one of them. I reckon we can save the rest when we gather more scrolls. Should be easy if Donna wins the match downstairs.
As if to remind him, an axe spiraled through the air and stuck into the ceiling above them.
"Fine, let's hurry," Butterknife said aloud. "We only have one scroll, so let's choose the highest level one."
Spencer cast the resurrection spell on a female pixie cleric, level 6. It was Camilia. Her ghost dissipated while her body reformed in its place in an array of light.
She had shimmering white robes trimmed with silver thread, no taller than a pencil. Her gossamer wings glowed with soft light, and she held a staff crafted from a delicate twig. She looked like Bytes could eat her in one chomp.
"Thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you!" she said, falling to her knees mid-air. "I thought we were all going to die."
The Fatigued and Thirsty debuffs were over her head. Butterknife decided she wouldn't be much help in battle if things got messy, but as a cleric she might be able to cast her healing magic.
"Can you tell us what happened here? Why were you dead?"
"We were all doing the dog quest, and we couldn't figure out who had the dog toy so we just snuck in to kill the dog. That's when Donna came in and murdered us bloody with some crazy ballerina shite."
"Can you resurrect your other party member?"
She said, "We used all our scrolls already. We have none left. I'm told that this cleric job gets a resurrection spell at some point, but I don't have it yet."
"Damn," Spencer said. "A mess, this is."
"Can you fly out of here?" Butterknife asked. "There is a battle downstairs and Donna is preoccupied."
She lowered her eyes. "I cannot leave. We came into this VR as a group of four. Even though our party size limit is two. I am partied with my husband, and my son is partied with his friend. They're both 15 years old. I cannot leave them here. I heard that you used your last scroll on me, and I thank you, but I need to kill this dog so I can get another scroll for the quest reward."
Bytes gave a wheezy growl.
Oh my god, Butterknife thought. There are kids trapped in this game. Did Jiem not have a minimum age requirement? Were there children here? Infants? The thought made him sick, and he felt dizzy.
"No need for that," Spencer said, gesturing towards the squeaky toy. "We have the quest item."
Camilia fluttered in the air. "You do?! Then that's two scrolls we can get from the quest!"
"I'm not following. The compensation for the quest was one scroll. How do you figure?"
"This is a recurring quest, so every party can do it once. At least, that's what my son tells me. When we did a 'buy a birthday present' quest for some noble's daughter, we did it twice. Once for my son's party, and once for my party."
Aida: Recurring quests can be completed per party. Typically there is a trigger that will permanently disable the quest for everyone, so be warned.
"So if we give the dog the toy, and then Camilia kills the dog, both parties will get the reward?" Spencer asked. The dog yipped.
Aida: That's correct. Donna will probably come up the stairs to resurrect the dog, and the quest will begin again for some other party. There is a nuance about pets. They can be resurrected, unlike normal NPCs.
"According to our Aida, that's right," Camilia said, unaware that his own Aida confirmed already.
Spencer looked at the rat creature before him. "Shame to kill him, but we have no choice."
Butterknife spoke up exasperated, "Use your heads. The best way is to not kill the dog at all. Give him the toy, take it away, give it to another party. Repeat until all parties complete the quest. That's three scrolls, and we have three Noushead ghosts. Logic, people!"
Spencer and Camilia looked dumbfounded, and the dog wagged his tail, standing up on all fours.
"He's the smart one out of the two of us," Spencer said finally.
Without any further delay, Butterknife tossed the toy to the dog, who didn't even look at it.
Coach: This is the kind of playing I want to see. Hustle, teamwork, and pride in your work. The team is what struggles, what overcomes, what WINS. And damn it, you just won. You just completed your first quest and earned your first title. Treat yourself to an animated gif of a baby seal the next time you're doom scrolling.
+1 acclaim
You earned the title "Fetcher of Squeaky Toys."
The title appended itself to his name. He examined it.
Wiki: Fetcher of Squeaky Toys
Who's the dog now, bitch?
The Cache app chimed in, noting that he had received the quest reward of 1500 gold and a scroll of resurrection. The app also advised him not to lose all his money to hookers this time.
Finishing the quest bumped them both up to level eight. He examined himself.
Wiki: Butterknife, Fetcher of Squeaky Toys. Level 8 Drow Oath Obliged Paladin
Butterknife: What's acclaim and what's a title?
Aida: Acclaim are points you can earn for doing noteworthy feats. Think of them like achievement points. When you get enough acclaim, you can visit the Hall of Fame in Equinox where you will be given prizes. Some are quite good.
Titles are a quick way of being recognized for your deeds from others. Some NPCs won't help you unless you have a specific title. For example, Ultimax would have let Spencer join the berserker's guild if he had earned a title, any title. You can select which titles you want shown in your menu. Please note that some titles are permanent and cannot be removed. You can only have a maximum of 3 non-permanent titles showing at a time.
Spencer reached down to take the ball, and Bytes went insane, barking and howling, teeth bared. Thunderous stomping could be heard outside the room, pounding closer and closer. Butterknife knew exactly what who was.
The door exploded into splinters, and Donna stood, chest heaving in the door way.
Her dot turned red. "What are you doing to my beloved Bytes?"
Zir tackled her from behind, causing them to both land on the dog toy, which issued a depressed squeak.
Suddenly, everything went black.
A loading screen appeared, featuring a watercolored portrait of Donna and Zir locked in an epic timeless snarl at each other. A progress bar on the bottom rapidly filled to 100%.
Instead of bringing them back to the VR, probably to their quick deaths, a new sort of VR formed. It was like watching a flat screen. An avatar dressed in an expensive suit wearing a bowtie stood holding a microphone.
Announcer: LLLLADIES AND GENTLEMEN. Welcome to the main event. It's a BOSSSSS BATTLLLLLLLEE.
Introducing first, weighing in at 666 pounds of pure infernal fury, at Level 15, it's the Question Axe-r, the Beer Mug Basher, the Horn-amental Horror himself. ZIR.
An intro video of Zir appeared, brandishing a heavy battle axe and cracking his neck one way then another with his name highlighted in red text with a black outline around it.
Announcer: And in the pink corner, weighing in at 'none of your business' pounds of pure muscle and grace, the Level 14 Barbierian, the Pirouetting Powerhouse, the Dancing Devastator. It's DONNA!
Then Donna's video showed. She spun in her pink ballerina tutu trying to form her arms in a hoop around her head, but her muscles made it physically impossible. The same highlighted text showed her name.
Jiem: Wait. Just stop. I'm just going to cut you off right there.
The announcer sounds like Sylvester Stallone trying to imitate Michael Buffer and it's sad. Also, this is taking too long. I mean, each boss battle, really? I'm going to issue a patch on this soon.
Just start the fucking battle.
The Nouscraft VR snapped back.
"Keep them busy for a second," Spencer shouted, and he started gulping whiskey.