PETA Did Not Write This

  Kip was under the sofa again. Snatcher took a seat next to him and in front of a ball of lint the size of a rabbit. “I can’t do this,” Kip grumbled. “One angel is more than enough, and anything above that is just too much.”

  With a slight frown, Snatcher looked out from underneath the sofa. “I’m sure it’s going to be fine. They’re Lady’s friends, so they can’t be that bad. Besides, you know how much of a shut-in Missy is: she doesn’t want other angels to be in the house any more than you do. They’ll probably just be here long enough to drop off their pets and then they’ll head off to the concert.” As well as Missy treated him, he couldn’t help but wish that she was less shy. Her friend Lady wasn’t as understanding about his lack of tameness, but her more extroverted nature brought a host of new experiences. “Come on, aren’t you a little curious to see how other angels act? We practically have front row seats.”

  “Yeah, looking down from a cage,” muttered Kip.

  Snatcher rolled his eyes. “They’re not going to put us there unless you start running around like crazy and put yourself in danger of getting stepped on. Honestly, don’t you think it’s kind of awesome to be able to walk right up to the most dangerous creatures on the planet and know that they aren’t going to incinerate you?”

  “Only because they or one of their friends legally owns you,” Kip retorted.

  “We’re pets, Kip. We’re more like family than property.”

  “Sure. Because family will typically shove you into a carrying case when you need to travel anywhere.” He buried his head in his hands. “And I’m not a pet, so please don’t call me one. Why did I let myself get talked into coming here? The sooner this winter ends, the happier I’ll be to leave. If that thing decides to let me leave.”

  Snatcher drew his knees up to his chest and looked away. Eerily silent, Missy had taken a seat in front of the couch. She was dangling a stuffed deer at the end of a string in an attempt to persuade them to come out and play. “She’ll let you go. I wouldn’t have asked you to come if I didn’t trust her.”

  “Yeah, but…” He saw that Saffron had taken the bait and was chasing after the toy deer. When she got tired after a few minutes, she flopped down next to Missy, demanding love and attention. “Snatch, you can’t tell me you honestly want that life. You really want to trade your freedom for this?”

  “For what? Three square meals a day, a warm place to sleep in the winter, and the assurance that I’ll never wake up to a dragon slicing me open? It doesn’t seem like that bad of a deal to me.” He smiled grimly. “Believe me, I know I’m taking the easy way out, but what do you want me to do? Find a new clan and watch them starve or get killed off until I inevitably do the same? I won’t ask you to stay if you clearly don’t want to, but please don’t tempt me with the same.”

  “I wish you’d change your mind, but I won’t keep asking,” was all Kip replied. “I just hope you remember that staying here isn’t your only option.”

  “I know.” He looked out, the look in his eyes uncharacteristically dull. “Do you want to head out now? I feel like I’m going to break into a fit of sneezing if I keep breathing this dust.”

  “You go. I’m not ready yet.” He curled up on his side, wondering if the angels would ever think of him as more than a cute little animal.

  Kip was still under the sofa. Missy had been unable to coax him out, and had consigned herself to waiting for him to get hungry enough to be tempted back to the food bowl. She lay down on her side, stretching her wings and settling into a comfortable position. Her halo floated parallel to the ground, hovering above her face.

  She fixed her burning gaze back on Snatcher and Saffron, who were far less inclined to spend the day under the sofa. Saffron was curled up next to her, sleeping soundly, while Snatcher was busying himself with whittling a flute out of a bone that had been part of his dinner. He noticed that she was watching and began to play it, much to her amusement and delight. She was just reaching out to pick him up when suddenly, his small head turned to the door, his sensitive little ears picking up what hers could not. A moment later, she heard the bell ring. As expected, her friend Lady was on the other side, holding a crystal bottle of sunlight. “Praise the Glory, the time for the concert has arrived!” Lady announced.

  Missy watched the golden angel close the door behind her. Snatcher had already disappeared to some hidden location, most likely under the sofa. “Why did I let you talk me into doing this?” grimaced Missy.

  Lady set down the bottled sunlight and let her wings fan out against the couch. “Because you’re my friend, and it’s my job to force you to have fun sometimes.” She stretched out her wings. “Besides, you only need to talk to the people for a few moments, and then we’ll be gone and you can spend the rest of the time hanging out with the pets.”

  “I suppose.” Missy would’ve preferred to not spend any number of moments with Lady’s friends, as she very much preferred the company of animals over that of people. She was greatly regretting her decision to pet-sit for Lady’s friends while they went to the concert, regardless of how many adorable pets were going to be present.

  The tip of Lady’s wing brushed against her. “It’s going to be fun, I promise. The sunlight’s for you, as thanks. I appreciate you watching Saffron while I was out.”

  “It’s no trouble at all. She’s very well behaved and easy to look after.” Missy looked down at the pet human. The little creature had begun to stir, and her two bright eyes blinked sleepily. After a moment, she stood up. When Lady knelt down to pick her up, she stepped tamely onto her angel’s outstretched claw and wrapped her little arms around her. Suddenly, she looked up, and the doorbell rang again.

  “Helloooo!” As soon as the door was opened, two sets of wings flapped in, and three pet carriers were set down on the floor. Kip was out of the room before the guests had landed, and Missy looked like she very much wished that she could join him.

  Lady held back a sigh. “Baron! Contessa! It’s so good to see you!”

  You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.

  “Same here!” Baron grinned, his golden eyes twinkling. “I’d say Grog was excited to see you, but I don’t think I could make him care if I tried. You’re such a lazy boy, aren’t you Grog?” He peered into his pet’s carrier where an overweight neanderthal was sleeping. With a light bit of prodding, the small man was coaxed into opening his eyes and rolling out of the carrier, where he promptly fell back asleep.

  “What a precious little bean,” Lady grinned. “And Contessa, how was the journey here?”

  “Perfectly fine, thanks! Check out the costume I picked for Hallow-mass!” The petite angel with icy blue eyes pulled up an image of herself on her phone. In the costume, her fur-lined tunic and fake necklace of bones mimicked the attire of a wild caveman, and she was holding a fake hunting spear. To complete the effect, she had tied a bandana around her forehead and painted eyes on it, following where the eyes would be on a real human. “I’m going to try to give Lucky and Spot some fake angel wings and little halos, but Spot keeps taking them off. You’re very particular about things, aren’t you Spot?” she smiled, nudging the girl at her feet.

  Spot, who looked to be about six years old and whose right eye was covered with a dark red birthmark, scurried away and hid behind the safety of her mother, Lucky. The adult woman was cautiously assessing her new neighbors on the carpet. “Aw, they’re so cute when they’re kids,” fawned Baron. “Remind me where you got the two of them?”

  “Oh, that’s a story,” Contessa rolled her dozens of eyes. “Remember my old flatmate? The one who was into all that new-age guardian spirit stuff? Well, she bought Lucky pretty much on a whim, and then realized she was allergic to humans. Guess who ended up looking after Lucky?” Baron started to sigh, but Contessa wasn’t finished. “Wait, it gets better. So Lucky starts to get really sick one day, and when I take her in to the vet to get checked, and it turns out she was pregnant. So that’s how I ended up with two humans for the price of none. It was either that or let my old flatmate tie them up in a sack and throw them into the river.”

  “That’s horrible,” grimaced Lady. “I can’t believe people still do that to animals.”

  “Yeah, my old flatmate was a mess, and I’m so glad I have my own place now.” Contessa gritted her silver teeth. “Anyway, I don’t think being a professional breeder is in my future, but I’ve gotten Lucky spayed so she won’t surprise me with any more kids. I’d initially planned to sell Spot once she grew up, but I don’t think I could bear to part with her at this point.”

  She looked down at Lucky and Spot, who were being zealously greeted by Saffron. “Your little Saffie is so friendly,” Contessa complimented Lady.

  “She’s a sweetie,” agreed Lady. “Want to see her do a trick?”

  Contessa and Baron nodded eagerly, and Lady whistled down at the floor. “Saffron, sit!” she ordered. Saffron plopped down obediently. “Roll over.” She stood up again and did an elegant cartwheel. “Sing.” She began to hum a few bars of nonsense. “Good girl,” Lady said proudly, offering her a treat.

  While Contessa fawned over the tiny woman, Baron finally acknowledged Missy. “So, how about you and Snatcher? How is the little guy?”

  “He’s, um…” She glanced down at Snatcher, who had coaxed Kip out from the other room. They were chattering at one another, squeaking incessantly. When he saw the angels watching, Kip stopped talking and scurried back out of sight, attempting to tug Snatcher with him.

  Baron tapped his colorful wing against Missy’s shoulder. “Well, I won’t deny that it’s noble of you to have rescued them, but it seems more trouble than it’s worth. If you want pets that aren’t terminally scared of you, I’d recommend getting them Adjusted.” He pointed a wing at the slumbering Grog. “It’s hard to believe it, but he used to be a real whirlwind before I took him in for an Adjustment. It’s amazing how much a few tweaks to their brains can help.”

  “Or you could get a noise collar,” offered Contessa. “It’s really nifty—whenever they start to speak, it starts beeping to discourage them. It’s all ultrasonic, of course, so only their little ears can pick it up. I got one for Spot and it’s really saved my sanity these past few years, with how much of a chatterbox that kid can be.”

  “You know I don’t believe in punishing animals, and I think it’s fine for them to talk as long as they don’t do it incessantly,” Lady said to both Contessa and Missy. “After all, all those stories about pets rescuing their owners by alerting the rest of the house that there was trouble could never’ve happened if they couldn’t speak up. If it really bothers you, though, I’ve found that putting them in their cage and covering it with a cloth when they’re misbehaving curbs that behavior. They crave attention and approval, so if you only supply it when they’re behaving, it’ll train them to be good.”

  “It’s fine, really. Honestly, I’m not bothered by it.” She gave a nervous smile. “So, isn’t the concert starting soon?”

  Contessa looked quizzical over the sudden change of subject, but Lady smoothly took over the situation. “Yeah, we should head out soon. I’ll follow you in a minute. Thanks, Missy, for offering to watch all our pets.”

  “Thanks!” Baron and Contessa chorused, getting their jackets and heading toward the door. Baron sidestepped to avoid trampling Spot, who had scampered across the carpet.

  Lady followed Missy to the corner. “You sure you’re okay?”

  “Of course,” she nodded. Unlike Saffron, she did not crave attention, and she was much happier now that Lady’s friends were occupied.

  “And Snatcher and Kip are well, especially after yesterday?”

  She nodded again. The incident the previous day had been one in which she had come home to find the two of them missing. Missy had freaked out and started looking for good pictures of Snatcher to put on a ‘Missing Pet’ poster, but the moment she had opened the front door to fly to the print shop, there were Snatcher and Kip. A dead deer had been set on the porch between them, roasting over a small campfire. Missy had screeched and incinerated the deer on the spot.

  “They’re fine. I think Kip meant it as a peace offering. Regardless, I’ll be happy once this winter ends and I can let him back into the wild.”

  “Good, and good riddance. If there’s one thing you take away from this, it’s that wild things should stay in the wild.”

  Missy sighed for what felt like the umpteenth time. “I know you mean well, but it’s really not a problem. Kip and I might not be on the best terms, but Snatcher and I rarely ever have problems. I like talking with him, even if he doesn’t understand most of what I say. And he’s seemed much happier as of late.”

  “Well, that’s good. He and I might not always see eye to eye, but I don’t want the little guy to be depressed.” She knelt down and reached toward Snatcher. As her claw descended toward his fluffy hair, he raised his hand to intercept it. She tapped it against his miniature fingers. “You say you’ve been communicating with him more? How has that been?”

  “Interesting, to say the least. It makes it a bit more awkward to deny him more food when he’s already eaten.” They both laughed. “In all seriousness, though, he’s an eager learner and has taught me a lot about his old life, but his language is too simple to discuss anything meaningful. Like, he still doesn’t get the concept of written language so I tried showing him some math, and although he can’t understand Clariel’s Theorem, he can still appreciate the beauty of its interlocking triangles. Intelligent or not, any creature that appreciates that is worthwhile in my book. I’d just hate to be smaller than him, because as cute as he is, humans are vicious little predators.”

  “Sounds a lot like a dolphin,” Lady mused. “I’ve heard they’re about as intelligent.”

  “Exactly,” Missy nodded.

  “Oh my Glory, this is so cute!” Contessa’s squeal interrupted them. She was pointing at an image on her phone, in which a horrifically deformed human was being paraded on a stage. The article indicated that the pet show would be at the end of the month, and that prizes would be awarded to the top three contestants.

  “Anyway,” continued Lady, ignoring her, “it’s fun to speculate. I know there’s a lot of fiction about finding intelligent aliens, but I’ve never been able to find a book where humans and dolphins and other animals had their own societies. I guess they’re so close to us that we often overlook them.”

  “I know,” nodded Missy. “Still, it’s fun to think about.” And just like that, the matter was dropped.