Ode to Madeline: New Beginnings
Dear diary,
Wait, no, something’s missing…
Dearest diary,
Wait, no, too corny!
Heyyy diary :DDDD
Wait, no, too cringey!
Damn.
Alright, well, let’s start from the beginning.
So today, I was just chillaxing on a bench like a chill guy.
Right? You feel me? Yeaaaah.
I chilled on that bench like I was the chilliest chiller of the chilling Copacabana club. At the Copaaaaaaaa! Copacabannaaaaa!
Music and fashion were always in fashion!
Wait, shit. What was it again?
Anyway, get this: this old farty strolled up to me like he was Christ reincarnate! I told him to mind his own business. And guess what he did?
He sat next to me!
Are you deaf??
Oh, you are.
He had a hearing aid.
And headphones on.
Damn.
Why would he do this? There were like five benches over that way! It’s not like Hell’s crowded!
Imagine the arrogance you must have had to stroll up to me, the one and only Birthday Planner, and demand a seat!
Well, I’m not one anymore, but it was still rude!
So I was like, chill the helly helicopter out, old man! I got here first!
He didn’t hear.
God. He got on my nerves soooo bad.
I swore I would tear him apart and spray his guts across the sun and let it roast him to ash and cinders and smear it on the wall and draw a mural celebrating the Millennium Birthday of our lord and savior, Jezus McSuspicious.
But, God, I was so tired. Still am.
So I moved to another seat and let him have it.
Hell ain’t quite as it cracked up to be, and nowadays we got these riff-raff “wandering souls” going around like they owned the place. Holy fuck, I wish I could get rid of those guys, but too bad! Souls are the dollars around here! Inflation’s here, too, baby! Get on that grind, boys and girls! Soon they will work your ass in and out and you’ll be left a shriveled corpse once they’re done with you.
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I went to Beelzy today, telling her, ‘Ight, so I know we’re tight and close, but you still owe 20 souls, so can I have it back so I can at least get the 50% discount human sandwich that was made a week ago from the Flesh Store??
But her ass told me, and make sure you hear this: “Ew uggggh, get your weirdo cringey ass outta here, you stink! You’re attracting all my Diptera sluts. Back to work, girls!”
I wanted to shout, Well, call me the Most Blasphemous Sinner of the Great Heavens! But bitch, you own a fucking brothel! Rotten banana probably smells like roses to you?? Am I wrong???”
But I wasn’t in the mood. So I gently told her no. Gently! And she didn’t even get the damn hint!
She said, “Have you showered?”
Well, excuse me for not showering as I was getting thrown out of my own apartment!
For not paying my bills!
I said I would pay, geeeez, lemme get employed first!!
But they got a restraining order!
For me! Hitting the landlord!
He deserved it!
He took my boy Judas!
#JusticeforJudas My goat boy needs his grass!!!!!
Long story short, I’m sitting on another bench, five seats away from the old fart, and broke as hell.
God has forsaken me. Oh, God, why?
What’s my calling in life?
I thought I could plan birthdays…
I can’t even plan my own life.
I miss the good ol’ days. Like that time I shoved little Timmy up a cannon and shot him up Lady Liberty’s sweet piece of buttocks. Or like that time I held little Benny’s hand to an ape and watched it crack him in half! Lmao, that was fucking awesome! They shot the ape, too! But the kid was cheesed already lolololololololol
lol.
Oh right, who else…
Hmmm…
Hmmmmmmm…
Oh!
Right.
Her.
How many years has it been?
My best birthday ever, if I do say so myself!
And also the last…
…
Man.
Man, I miss Madeline.
☆☆☆
Dear Diary,
It’s me again.
I don’t write here often, but when I do, I write a lot.
Asha’s fine today. I took her to the park and cleaned up the house. Nothing unusual.
Brad was at the door again today. He wanted money. So, I locked the door and locked it again with a bike lock.
I know, very immature. But he reeked of cigs and wine. It’s best Asha never has to see him again. He’s a bad influence.
Went job-hunting today. They kept telling me I’m too “young” or “inexperienced” with this stuff. Yeah, right. Just ‘cuz I’m taking on Asha alone that you bastards think I’m “extra package”? “Expired goods”??? Disgusting rats. All of them.
Asha, I’m such a bad mom, aren’t I?
Bills are next week, and so are taxes. I’m still way over in debt from the student loans. Why is it still there? I thought I had dropped already?
Every day, I wonder if the balcony is the next best option.
But I can’t. Asha needs me. She needs me. I…
Anyway, it’s late. Asha has brushed her teeth properly and changed into her favourite bunny pajamas. She called it her “Super Bunny Man Suit” and that she’ll “protect Mommy from bad birthday guys.” Gosh, I love her.
Never forget who you are.
Not Madeline.
Asha’s mother.
I am her protector. I must protect her.
No one will take her from me.
No one.
Especially you-know-who.
