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  Month 5: November

  Eli

  The party was nice, but it was hard to say if that was because of the party itself or because of who I was dancing with. Bethany had squealed like a little kid who’d just unwrapped their dream Christmas present when we’d walked in together hand in hand, and Paul had given us a smile and a nod and a hearty congratutions. Kelsey had done something simir, but with a profound expression of relief pstered all over her face as well.

  And we’d danced, and danced, and danced…

  The party was nice, is what I’m saying.

  I woke up in bed the next day, not minding my empty house, not minding the fact that I wouldn’t see my parents all day, not minding the fact that I had to go to my css that I was failing tonight. I didn’t have work today, but I still had a lunch date.

  I showered and shaved, and when I was done I answered the door and was greeted by the sight of the most beautiful woman in the world.

  “Hi,” Samantha said, sighing dreamily at me as she stood in the doorframe.

  I stepped forward, wrapped my hand around her lower back, and dipped her low and went in for the kiss. She went with my momentum, swooning and returning my kiss as she melted into my embrace. “Hi,” I said, pulling her into my house, twirling her around and watching her hair and skirt bounce about as she giggled her delightful giggle. I closed the door behind me and went up to her as she stood against the wall that propped up the staircase. I embraced her. Her soft, voluptuous body was a treasure in my arms. I kissed her all over her face, and she wouldn’t stop giggling, and I just couldn’t stop smiling, couldn’t believe this was real. I couldn’t believe she wanted me too.

  “Someone’s in a good mood,” Samantha said, holding a fistful of my t-shirt and keeping her face a quarter inch from my own.

  “I’d say I have good cause to be,” I said. “I had a really good time st night.”

  “Me too,” she said, giving me another peck on the lips.

  “So, what are we cooking today?”

  “I was thinking a simple sad. I can show you how to make an easy dressing with lemon juice and olive oil. You have chicken, right?”

  “Yeah, I do.”

  “Cool. C’mon, let’s get to it. I only have one lunch hour.”

  “Yes ma’am,” I said as she grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me into the kitchen.

  I brought out spinach, green bell peppers, onions, carrots, and a can of chickpeas. Samantha slicked a pan with olive oil and let the chickpeas sautee at a low heat while I did my best to slice the vegetables in gentle, deliberate strokes.

  “Uncle Paul says the party was an overwhelming success, by the way,” Samantha said as she stirred the chickpeas with a wooden spoon.

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Yeah, between the admission cost and the free publicity we got from everyone there posting to their socials, I’d say we got a pretty good boost from all this.”

  “That’s fantastic,” I said, sliding the chopped peppers off the cutting board and into a gss bowl. “Think it’s gonna help with stuff, long term?”

  “I think so,” Samantha said. “We’re officially breaking even, so there’s that.”

  “Nice!”

  “Yeah,” she said, putting the chicken breasts into the oven as it beeped to signal it was done preheating. “Oh, those peppers look good!”

  “Thanks,” I said. I reached for the jumbo yellow onion and said, “Now for this bad boy-”

  She grabbed my hand, her own still wet from washing them after handling poultry. “Maybe save that for st, yeah?”

  “Oh, right.”

  “On the other hand, I haven’t seen you cry yet, so I guess it could be a good experience.”

  “Hah. Let’s hold off for now,” I said, grabbing the carrot instead.

  “Where do you keep your measuring cups?”

  “Top cabinet over there,” I said, gesturing to the far end of the kitchen.

  “Cool,” she said. “Oh, uh, guess I was wondering.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Are, uh, are we boyfriend and girlfriend now?”

  I put the knife down and blinked rapidly. “Uh…good question. Do you want to be?”

  “I mean… It feels fast, but… Yeah, I kinda do,” Samantha said.

  “That settles it then,” I grinned, walking over to her giving her another kiss. “I’m your boyfriend. You’re my girlfriend.”

  The biggest smile I’d ever seen blossomed on her face, and she bounced up and down on the balls of her feet while her breasts jiggled and she shook back and forth. “I’m your girlfriend. I’m your girlfriend. I’m your GIRLfriend! EEEEEEEEE!!!!”

  How was it possible for one person to be this cute?

  “You like that?” I said, putting my arm against the wall she had her back to.

  “Just feels very GENDER,” she said, practically glowing, she was so happy. “I’ve expined euphoria to you, right?”

  “Yeah, you said it’s when you really feel like yourself, like the woman you really are,” I said, quoting an earlier conversation verbatim.

  “That word. ‘Girlfriend.’ I’ve never been one of those. Never been called that before. And it just feels amazing. You… You make me feel amazing, Eli.”

  “Good,” I said. “You deserve it. I want you to feel that way every day. That’s gonna be my mission now: to make you feel as amazing and as beautiful as I know you are.”

  She closed the narrow gap between us and kissed me. “And I wanna do the same for you.”

  “Sounds good to me,” I said, kissing her back.

  We stood there a little while, making out with her back against the wall.

  … Until a few of the chickpeas burst inside the skillet with a shocking pop.

  “Oh!” Samantha said, turning off the heat and ughing as she gave the beans another stir.

  I ughed as well. A guy could get used to this.

  We finished preparing the chicken sad, and Samantha dressed it with the lemon and olive oil mixture she stirred together with some salt and garlic powder. I took a bite and savored the crisp, fresh taste of it all. “Mmm. Good! How’s yours?”

  “Very good,” she said, swallowing a bite. And her facial expression didn’t betray her statement- she actually liked it! I’d actually done something right! Holy fuck! HOLY FUCK! YES! YESSSS!!!!

  A good start to the day, all things considered.

  ***

  “So, uh, I have a girlfriend now,” I said at dinner that night, my parents both going over work documents while they ate their grilled salmon and green beans.

  They both looked up, but didn’t look at me. Instead, they locked eyes with each other. Finished chewing the food in their mouths and swallowed. Finally, Mom spoke: “It’s not that Serena girl, is it?”

  “...Do you mean Samantha? The one I work with? Because if so, the answer is yes.”

  “I see,” Mom said.

  Dad just sighed. “Why would you do that?”

  “Do what? Get a really fun, really pretty girlfriend?”

  “One who’s stuck in a dead-end retail job in a dying industry. Why would you do that?”

  “She’s only a year older than me, she’s not stuck in anything. She’s just trying to support her family’s business,” I said, my eyes narrowing.

  “And beyond that?”

  “She doesn’t have it figured out yet,” I said.

  “That’s a problem, Elijah. You’re not stupid, you know that.”

  “I’m sorry, why is this such a problem?” I said. “Not everyone has everything all figured out by nineteen. She’s had a difficult life, and she’s taking time to figure out where she wants to go.”

  “By the time I was nineteen, I’d already decred my major,” Mom said, “and your father was apprenticing under an electrician.”

  “Okay, but you guys aren’t everyone,” I said.

  “And neither are you,” Mom said firmly. “We’re just worried about you making a mistake, getting too invested in a retionship that won’t go anywhere-”

  “And how do you know it won’t go anywhere!?” I said.

  “Watch your tone, young man!” Dad shouted. “You do not talk to us like that!”

  “I’m sorry, I just- I finally get my first girlfriend and this is how you guys react? Can’t you just congratute me like normal parents?”

  “And now you’re insulting us?” Dad said. “Unbelievable. What happened to the young man we raised to be respectful and obedient? Where is he? Who is this I’m talking to right now?”

  “Dear, calm down,” Mom said.

  “I will not-”

  “Calm down!” Mom snapped.

  Instantly, Dad was cowed, his shoulders going sck and his eyes shooting down.

  “Eli, honey, be honest: do you really like this girl?”

  “Yes, I really, really do.”

  “Okay. I still think this is a mistake-”

  “A huge mistake and a waste of time,” Dad said.

  Mom shot him a dirty look, and he shut back up. “Just be careful. You’re new to this. Don’t fall in love with the first girl you date. Trust me, it’s a mistake.”

  Pangs of shame and dread and anger tore through me. “Okay,” I said softly. “But will you at least admit that maybe you’re being a tiny bit unfair?”

  “We’re not, we’re being realistic,” Mom said with a dismissive wave of her hands.

  “You don’t even know her,” I said. “She’s a wonderful person. You’d probably really like her if you met her.”

  Dad rolled his eyes. Mom sighed heavily. “Fine, then. Why don’t you invite her for our family Thanksgiving party. Her uncle, too. If nothing else it would be good to meet your coworkers.”

  “I really don’t think this is necessary,” Dad said.

  “I disagree,” Mom said.

  “And so do I,” I said. I finished off my pte of food, and said, “I think I’m gonna get ready for css now.”

  “Oh, for God’s sake,” Dad said.

  “Eli, please sit back down,” Mom said.

  “My ride is gonna be here in ten. I need to brush my teeth,” I said, grinding my teeth together, pushing back a tidal wave of shame and self-loathing.

  I put myself back together and stood outside until Kelsey pulled up in her jeep. I lumbered into the car, muttering under my breath.

  “Hey,” she said, cocking an eyebrow at me and giving a concerned look. “What’s going on?”

  “I don’t wanna talk about it,” I said.

  “Aight, fair enough,” Kelsey said. Then, after about ten minutes of sustained silence, she continued, “All I’m saying is you don’t exactly seem like a guy who just st night started dating his dream girl.”

  “It’s not that, it’s my parents.”

  “Oh. Ohhh, say no more.”

  “...What does that mean?”

  “I thought you said you didn’t wanna talk about it,” Kelsey said.

  “...”

  “Dude?”

  “Okay, fine, tell me what it means,” I said, pressing my head against the car window.

  “Your parents are transphobic,” Kelsey said.

  My head snapped around and I stared at her, brows wrinkled and eyes narrow. “No they’re not.”

  “How do you know?”

  “They don’t know she’s trans.”

  “I’m sorry, what?”

  “I… I haven’t gotten around to mentioning that part,” I admitted.

  “You haven’t gotten around to-”

  “It hasn’t come up!” I snapped.

  “Okay, let’s cool off a little here, big guy,” Kelsey said firmly.

  “...Right, sorry.”

  “Why haven’t you mentioned it to them?”

  “They are aggressively uninterested in her, is why,” I said.

  “Why?”

  “Because they think she’s a loser with no direction, and they’re afraid it’s gonna rub off on me.”

  “...”

  “What?”

  “I don’t know if I should say it.”

  “Oh come on,” I said, “I didn’t wanna talk about this in the first pce.”

  “Okay, fine. Your parents are assholes.”

  “Watch it,” I said in a harsh whisper.

  “You asked.”

  An ugly, painful fire burned inside my gut as our school came into view. Kelsey and I fshed our student IDs to the security guard and entered the parking lot. “You know what? Can we just not talk about this anymore? Let’s just… Let’s just go to css.”

  She gave a weak sigh and said, “Fair enough. But I’m here if you want to pick this back up.”

  We parked, and as I unbuckled, I said, “They invited her to Thanksgiving.”

  “... You gotta tell them before then,” she said, staring right through me.

  “I-”

  “You gotta tell them before then, dude.”

  “I haven’t even asked Samantha to come yet,” I said as I stepped out of the car.

  “Fine,” she said, getting into the parking lot and walking over to my side of the car. “But if she says yes, you need to tell your parents before they meet her.”

  “I-”

  “Eli!” Kelsey said, grabbing me by the shoulders and pushing me against the passenger’s side door. “Do you know what it feels like to be someone’s dirty little secret?”

  My mouth opened. But I had nothing to say to that. There was nothing I could say to that. So I just shook my head and sighed, because she was fucking right, and I knew it, and I couldn’t possibly be worthy of Samantha if I was too afraid of my parents to tell them about her. What the hell was I doing? I’d spent every day with this girl for five straight months. She’d been to my house; I’d been to her house, and I was close with the man who was, near as I could tell, her father in all but name.

  I had to tell them.

  “I’m gonna talk to her tonight,” I said. “And I’ll tell them tomorrow.”

  “BETTER,” Kelsey said, raising a fist to me.

  I fist-bumped her back and grinned, and we went to css.

  Wish to God I could say that was the most stressful event of the evening.

  Mr. Duncan was a tiny man, pale and bald and white-bearded, thin as a mppost and short as a jockey. He had tiny hands that looked like they were composed of fifty percent callouses, fingernails chewed and picked down into oblivion, and a thin, soft voice that you sometimes had to strain to hear depending on how far back you were sitting. For me, tonight, with other things on my mind, that was pretty far back, so much so I almost didn’t hear him when he called out to me as css came to a close for the evening.

  Almost.

  I told Kelsey to wait outside, and I approached the little man with nervous apprehension and a splinter of agitation. “Yes, sir?”

  “What are you doing here?” he said, sitting down at his desk and putting his feet up as he leaned back in his chair.

  “Um… Studying how to be an electrician?”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m going to be an electrician?” I sighed, shaking my head.

  “And how do you pn on doing that? You have absolutely no natural aptitude for this whatsoever.”

  I grinded my teeth together. I already knew this. Why was he telling me what I already knew? “I’ll work really hard until I get better-”

  “And you’ll be mediocre. At best,” Duncan said. “So why are you doing this? Be honest, is it really what you want to do with your life?”

  I grinded my teeth together, hands balled into fists inside my pockets. I closed my eyes and breathed out. “I’ve, uh, well I’ve never really thought of it like that.”

  “Of course you haven’t,” he said. “Lemme guess, your parents put you on this track?”

  “How’d you know-”

  “I see it all the time,” he said with a wave of his hand. “Pce like this, kids feel like the only road open to them is the one their folks put them on. Do you even know what you want?”

  I opened my mouth and I wracked my brain, but I couldn’t find an answer. That was happening a lot today, it seemed.

  “I see you come in here every week, you talk to people, you listen to them, you tell them what they wanna hear,” he said. “You’re good at that. You ever thought about doing something more like that?”

  “Is…that a thing?”

  “It’s called business,” Mr. Duncan said ftly. “Management.”

  “I don’t think my folks would be crazy about me being management,” I ughed nervously.

  “Why do they get to decide that for you?”

  “Because they’re paying for me to go to school here,” I said simply.

  He sighed, then pulled a card out of his desk and held it to me. “Tell you what. My wife teaches a business css upstairs. She has office hours when I’m teaching. Next week, you go and see her, just talk to her, I’ll mark you down as having attended. Capiche?”

  I took the card in hand and looked at it. “I’ll… I’ll think about it.”

  “Heh. I bet you will. See you around, kid.”

  I stared at the card in hand- Dana Duncan, professor of business management. She was quite literally right upstairs. I suppose it couldn’t hurt, but… But this awful feeling in my chest, like mud wasps gnawing through exposed flesh, wouldn’t quiet. It got louder and louder the more I thought about it. I shoved the card into my back pocket and started wringing my hands together, each breath coming slower and shakier.

  Kelsey waited for me by the twin gss doors that led to the parking lot. “Dude? You okay?”

  “I’m fine,” I said, my own words sounding far away.

  “You sure you’re-”

  “Yeah, yeah, it’s nothing,” I said, clearing my throat as we walked towards her car.

  “If you say so,” she said.

  The drive to the shop passed slowly and wordlessly. I was staring out the mirror the whole time, struggling to pay attention to anything around me. Finally, Kelsey let me out in front of my workpce and waved me good-bye, and I found Samantha already standing out front, waiting for me.

  And instantly, everything was okay again.

  She leaped towards me, and I caught her, same as I always did. My arms never felt stronger than when I was holding her in them. She leaned in and pnted a big, wet kiss on my lips, slipping me some tongue and running her hands through my hair as we did so. All the confusion and fear was gone. As far as I was concerned, she was all that mattered. If I had her, the rest was all just… Details.

  “Hi,” she said in a breathy voice, sweet like honey and high like it was taking flight. She really was getting better at that. It was amazing. She was amazing.

  “Hi,” I said back, holding her soft hands in mine even as they refused to stop trembling.

  “Everything okay?” she said, tilting her head to the side, concern pinly on her beautiful face.

  “Uh…Wanna take a walk with me while I expin?” I said.

  “Yeah,” she nodded. “That sounds good.”

  I held her hand in mine as we walked together beneath streetmps, expining to her everything that had happened to me that day since I’d seen her for lunch. By the time I’d finished, we’d cleared three blocks, and my heart and hands were back to shaking. We stepped into a shadowy patch, another swath of light inches away.

  I stepped forward. Samantha stopped. I stood in the light, her in the shadows.

  “Samantha?” I said.

  “You can’t tell them,” she whispered.

  “I-I’m sorry, what?”

  “You can’t tell your parents about me,” she said. “Don’t tell them I’m trans. Please.”

  “You can’t be serious. You wanna be a secret?”

  “Of course I don’t!” Samantha said. “But your folks are… They’re not great, babe. And I don’t wanna make things worse for you.”

  I grabbed both her hands, pressed them against my heart. “You only make things better for me.”

  “I-I really wish that true, but I-”

  I pulled her close to me and held her against my chest, the totality of her in my arms a complement to everything that made me who I am. And who I am was someone with a beautiful girlfriend who I wanted to give the entire world to. And that meant I couldn’t be afraid. And it meant I couldn’t be mediocre. I had to be extraordinary. And I had to go where my strengths lied. “If you don’t want to come for Thanksgiving, then you don’t have to,” I said.

  “I do, it’s just… I don’t want to complicate things,” Samantha whispered.

  “Then maybe you could… I dunno, go stealth? Is that the right term?” I said.

  “I think you’re really overestimating how well I pass.”

  “I think you’re underestimating it,” I said, breathing in her sweet scent, her gentle curves and burgeoning breasts, hearing the hum of her high, breathy voice.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Babe, you pass. I’d still think you’re beautiful even if you didn’t, but I’m telling you, objectively-”

  “You’re my boyfriend, you’re not gonna be able to look at me objectively,” she said.

  “That… Is… Probably accurate, yes,” I said, running my hand through her raven locks as I leaned back against the mppost. “But I still think you do.”

  “Thank you,” she squeaked. “Thank you, so much.”

  “Of course,” I said before I stole a kiss.

  She buried her face in my neck. “Let’s go somewhere. I know you just wanted to walk, I know we have to open the shop tomorrow morning, but can we do something to get out of our heads?”

  “What did you have in… Mind… Hold up a sec,” I said, the gears spinning inside my mind, shaking off the rust. “I have an idea. Do you trust me?”

  “Of course I do,” she said.

  “Let me make a call,” I said. “I think I know how to test the waters before Thanksgiving. If it’s alright?”

  She knitted her eyebrows together. “What did you have in mind?”

  Samantha

  We sat in the car, parked in the driveway of Eli’s Tio Miguel and Tia Bianca. Miguel was the oldest of Eli’s father’s four brothers, the one who’d always called the shots growing up, the one whom all the others looked up to. Idolized, in the case of Eli’s father. And he was Eli’s godfather, and the guy who’d floated us that handle of booze during what I quietly considered our first date.

  Eli trusted him. Him and his Tia Bianca and his cousins Daniel and Pedro. He trusted them not to freak out, and he trusted them to keep a secret.

  There weren’t enough words with enough power in the whole of the English nguage to convey how important that was to me. Eli’s homelife was complicated, and I’d never be able to forgive myself if he was tossed aside by his family the way I’d been tossed aside by mine.

  “If you don’t wanna do this, we can still back away,” Eli said.

  I inhaled through my nose, slowly but sharply, and said, “I want to do this.”

  “Are you sure?”

  No, I thought. “I think I need to do this,” I said. If his aunt and uncle accepted me, I could keep going forward with this. I’d be able to stand arm in arm with the man I’d fallen for, proud of what we were building together. And if they didn’t… Then it wasn’t too te to walk away. From this. From him. From us. It would make working together awkward, yeah, but a bit of quiet strife in the workpce was better than destroying my boyfriend’s family.

  Assuming I still had a boyfriend after this.

  “Okay, let’s do this,” he said.

  We walked to the front door, hand in hand, and knocked together.

  A tall, husky man well into middle-age stood on the other side. He had neatly-cropped and parted gray hair and wrinkled brown skin and kind brown eyes. They looked an awful lot like Eli’s eyes.

  “Tio,” Eli said.

  “Sobrino,” Miguel Luna said. “Is this the young dy you wanted to introduce me to?”

  “Si,” Eli said. “Esta es mi novia, Samantha.”

  My hand trembled, and Eli’s grip was the only thing keeping it remotely steady. I couldn’t think. I could barely breathe. Time trickled forward, one miniscule droplet at a time, falling into the endless ocean of the past.

  Finally, Miguel Luna spoke: “I see you’ve inherited your father’s fondness for gringas.”

  I gulped.

  Eli just ughed. “It’s in the blood, what can I say?”

  “Heh. You two kids wanna come in? The Rams are on. And I think I can spare a beer or two if you don’t tell anyone where you got them,” Miguel said.

  “I’m down,” Eli said. “Babe? What do you think?”

  The only thing keeping the tears of relief at bay was the fear of ruining my makeup. I gulped one more time, then hummed quietly as I brought my voice as far above my chest as I could muster. “Yeah. That sounds really good. It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Luna.”

  “Call me Miguel, please,” he said with a wave of his hand. Then he gestured us inside and we happily followed after him into his warm and messy abode. In the living room, piled onto two couches, were two young men a few years older than Eli and myself, identical twins by the look of them: one had a shaggy head of bck curls and a thin scar on his cheek and wore an LA Rams t-shirt, while the other had a close-cropped crew cut and wore a blue polo shirt and a pair of cargo shorts. They sat together on a wide-spanning gray couch, while on a blue loveseat next to them was a petite woman with olive skin and curly brown hair threaded with gray. She wore a light blue house dress without sleeves that revealed some mild muscur definition in her arms. She wore her hair loosely about her shoulders, and a gentle smile graced her lips.

  “Eli!” she said, standing up and putting her beer atop a coaster on the coffee table.

  “Tia Bianca,” Eli said, giving his aunt a hug.

  “And this must be Samantha,” Bianca said.

  I started by extending my hand for a shake, but found myself being hugged before I could process what was happening. “It’s lovely to meet you,” Bianca smiled, putting her hands on my shoulders and staring right at me. Eli had evidently gotten it from somewhere.

  “You as well, Mrs.-”

  “Bianca, please,” she said. “Have a seat, both of you- let me get you something to drink. How do you feel about IPAs?”

  “I’m, uh, okay with them,” I said, the warmth and giddiness in my chest blooming to new heights.

  “Perfect. Let me get you something,” she said. She turned to her sons and continued, “Mijos, make some room. Let the young couple sit together, por favor?”

  The brothers nodded, and cleared enough space for Eli and I to sit next to each other. Just barely enough, though, so we were squeezed against one another, his arms around me, my head buried in the crook between his shoulder and his neck.

  I felt like a pot of water coming to a gentle boil, finally freed from the constraints of its old form and allowed to be free and disperse into the air.

  Helped that Eli made me feel all hot and bothered.

  Bianca handed us our beers, and we sat together, and drank together, and watched the game together, and it was just so damn domestic, so peaceful and ordinary, and I…

  I felt like I belonged.

  Maybe Thanksgiving was a possibility after all.