XENIXALA

  Adept Transmuter Xenixala of Xendor, Defender of Grondrol, Fellow of The Knights of Kran-thun and the first person to ever attempt a custard and beetroot soup, grinned with relief. Finally, they’d found the so-called “Chosen One”, the most Experienced adventurer. He wasn’t quite as good looking as she’d hoped, but he did have strong cheekbones. His slim frame was strangely exposed, revealing his sinewy rib cage. All he wore was a maroon cape and a pair of leather pantaloons.

  He strolled towards Felina, Edwardius and Xenixala, his shoulders swaying. He stopped short of them and performed an odd little jig.

  ‘How’s it going?’ he said. His voice sounded as if his balls had yet to drop. ‘You wondering why I’m here?’

  Xenixala folded her arms. ‘Well… yes, actually.’

  The tiny Felina blushed and bowed. ‘I apologise for my brutish companion. She can be a little direct.’ She shot Xenixala a cold stare. ‘I am Felina, a bard by trade, and this is my dearest Edwardius, a great and powerful paladin.’ She paused. ‘And that’s Xenixala.’

  ‘Yeah, I know,’ said The Nuub. ‘Nice to meet you, anyway.’ He performed his jig, identical to before. Xenixala began to think she’d made a terrible mistake. ‘You finished off that last kobold.’ He gestured to the bloody mess that had once been Grom.

  Felina bowed even lower, speaking fast. ‘Sorry about that, we didn’t know you had laid claim to…’

  ‘I know, it’s fine.’ The Nuub gestured for her to stand. ‘I was expecting you. Now I have one-hundred percent completion in this region.’ He held up a glowing rock, a lattice of blue lines shimmered across its surface. ‘This spellstone tells me my progress. It’s all that keeps me going these days.’ He sighed and dropped it back into his side pouch. ‘That’s why I’m here, but also to meet you guys.’

  Felina continued. ‘We’ve been searching far and wide for you, oh great Nuub, for we are in dire need of your help. The Dark Master’s Army is growing in power. A power so great that it threatens the whole land of Fen-Tessai with total destruction.’ She took a deep breath. ‘You are in fact part of a great prophecy, you are The Chose…’

  ‘Chosen One, yeah yeah.’ He finished her sentence with a wave of his hand. ‘Not quite yet. But sure. What’s your point?’

  Felina looked crestfallen. ‘Oh? You already knew that?’

  ‘Of course. How else am I supposed to fulfil my destiny?’

  Felina straightened herself and nodded with deliberation. ‘That’s excellent, you won’t need us to persuade you then. We can set off at once to destroy the dark forces of…’

  ‘Nah, pass. I’m not the guy you’re looking for.’ And with that, The Nuub turned and walked away.

  Felina stayed frozen, her mouth agape.

  ‘But… The Prophecy! Your destiny!’ she hurried up to him and reached out to his shoulder. His hand batted hers away before she even made contact.

  The Nuub stopped and groaned. ‘Sure, I’m A Chosen One, I’m just not The Chosen One. You’ve got the wrong guy.’

  ‘How can you know?’ Felina stammered. ‘There’s a whole prophecy!’

  ‘There’s plenty of prophecies going around. Which one is it?’

  Felina’s pointy nose quivered with delight as she whipped her lute into position. She cleared her throat and started singing in her sickly sweet tone.

  ‘Have you heard the tale,

  of The Chosen One? The Chosen One?

  With highest Experience, and never undone.

  ‘The greatest adventurer,

  Gentle and kind,

  A stronger man you...’

  The Nuub winced and held up his hand, beckoning her to stop. ‘Yup, okay enough of that.’

  ‘You don’t like it?’

  ‘Sure it was a… lovely rendition. That’s just one of the other guys.’

  ‘Other... guys?’

  ‘Sure. Other Chosen One’s. I’ve met most of them at the annual Prophesied Anonymous meet-up.’

  ‘Prophesied Anonymous...?’

  ‘We’ve got a lot to live up to, you know. It ain’t easy being prophesied. We kind of support each other, it helps.’

  ‘Well we could still use your help,’ said Felina. ‘Even if you’re not the right Chosen One.’

  ‘Sorry, but it’s not foretold. I can’t deviate from the prophecy.’

  ‘That’s absurd, surely if…’

  The Nuub shook his head. ‘I don’t think you understand. Everything about me has been foretold. Even this conversation. Do you think I wanted to hear you sing for the fun of it? It can’t be stopped.’

  If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

  ‘What? That’s not…’

  ‘Possible? I know, it’s exhausting.’

  Xenixala stepped in. ‘If that’s true then what am I about to say now...?’

  ‘Sandwiches.’ ‘Sandwiches,’ they both said in unison.

  ‘Sentences.’ ‘Sentences.’

  ‘Bunching.’ ‘Bunching.’

  ‘Fundoop.’ ‘Fundoop.’

  Xenixala smiled. ‘Impressive. How?’

  The Nuub sat down on the dirt and leaned back, resting on his hands. ‘Well, it took a few years, there was loads to get through. Some monk had a real freaky dream about everything I would ever do and he spent his entire life writing it all down. He called it “reading the code”. A real nutter he was. Then oddly enough, reading about me reading about my prophecy made some weird feedback loop.’ He started playing with the dry earth, running his fingers in circles. ‘I woke up two years later having read the whole thing. And it was scarred into my brain, every painstaking detail. I’m special mind you, most Chosen Ones don’t end up with my curse.’

  Xenixala raised an eyebrow. ‘Curse? This doesn’t seem so bad. You can see what’s coming, you’ll never be caught unawares.’

  The Nuub stood up. ‘Not so bad? Not so bad?!’ he exclaimed. ‘Nothing is exciting! Nothing is new! I’m literally just going through the motions. It’s totally depressing.’ He threw his arms into the air. ‘I know exactly how this conversation is going to turn out, she’s going to temporarily turn us into stone.’ He pointed at Xenixala. ‘I even know when I’ll die. It’s the most tedious form of invincibility.’

  ‘Is that so…’ Xenixala leapt to one side, tossing a fireball.

  Felina screamed. ‘Xeni don’t!’

  But it was too late. The fireball exploded in a rage of heat, enclosing The Nuub in flames.

  The smoke cleared. The Nuub was still standing perfectly as he had been, except with his shield drawn. She hadn’t noticed he’d been carrying a shield.

  The Nuub pulled a weak smile. ‘I appreciate you trying, but I won’t be dead for another thirty years, so I wouldn’t waste your energy.’

  Xenixala didn’t give up that easily. This could all be an elaborate bluff. She lunged again, flinging an icy shard through the air.

  The Nuub didn’t even move. The shard slid past his face, missing him by an inch.

  The Nuub smiled again. ‘I know you’ll try one more time to be sure, so let’s get it over with.’

  Xenixala didn’t like being told what to do, that made her angry. She flicked her wrist, sending forth a wall of acid.

  The Nuub casually stepped aside as a fault in the spell left a narrow gap. The acid passed him by, splashing to the ground behind him, hissing with disappointment.

  The Nuub yawned. ‘Ok, I think you’re already bored.’

  Xenixala wiped a little sweat from her brow. ‘Fine. Maybe you are invincible.’ Fighting him was no fun. It was like trying to catch a fish with your hands. It felt futile, and at the end of the day, you’d only ever end up with a stinky fish. ‘Why haven't you tried to do something interesting with your power? Like bet on the races? Or win at cards?’

  The Nuub shrugged. ‘I wish. If it’s not in The Prophecy, I can’t do it. The only thing keeping me sane is emptying out dungeons. One after another. I’ve had to come this far out to avoid people. Or at least that’s what the prophecy says.’

  Felina looked bewildered. ‘But… you’re still a Chosen One! You’re still destined to save the world!’

  ‘Sure,’ said The Nuub, matter-of-factly, ‘I’ll save the world one day, but it won’t be for another seven years. I’ve just gotta hang around till then.’

  Xenixala was actually a little relieved. His child-voice was most unsettling, she didn’t think she could put up with him for very long.

  Edwardius stepped in after an uncharacteristic silence. ‘Perhaps you could help us locate The Chosen One we’re looking for? You said you knew them all.’

  ‘Well, I don’t know them all.’ The Nuub scoffed. ‘Not all Chosen Ones know they’re Chosen. We’re usually orphans, so we don’t get much in the way of an upbringing. We often find out from some fans such as yourselves.’ He rubbed his chin. ‘But I do know your prophecy. The Most Experienced Adventurer, that one’s a classic. Sorry, but none of us knows who that is. He wasn’t ever found.’

  Felina looked like she was about to collapse with exasperation. ‘But a soothsayer said he’d be here. You must know something?’

  ‘Let me see. He was the first person to ever slay an Elder Dragon, right? He would have gotten a ginormous amount of Experience from that, so it’s no wonder he’s the most Experienced adventurer. Well, he probably has been here, but left a while ago. Your soothsayer didn’t specify when to find him did they?’

  Edwardius didn’t seem convinced. ‘Haven't you ever thought of looking for him?’

  ‘Yeah sure, we sometimes look for new Chosen Ones. It’s surprisingly easy to find them, as you know where they’ll be eventually. It’s been prophesied ain’t it?’

  The three stared back at him in silence.

  The Nuub rolled his eyes. ‘Right, so when you’ve got a long list of his prophesied achievements, all you’ve gotta do is find out which ones they haven’t done yet, then go there and they’ll show up eventually.’

  Xenixala groaned. ‘That could take years.’

  ‘I suppose,’ said The Nuub. ‘I always forget people can’t see what’s going to happen. Either way, that’s your best bet.’

  Edwardius slumped to his knees. ‘This is hopeless, all is lost. This whole journey has been a disaster.’ He buried his head in his hands.

  Felina put a reassuring hand on his back. ‘Come, my love, we can still look for The Chosen One. We can’t give up now, or we’ll never go down in the history books as The Chosen One’s Champions.’

  Xenixala leapt to attention. ‘Ah, there it is. You’re only doing this so you can write a boring song about it.’

  Felina crossed her arms. ‘There’s nothing wrong with wanting a little publicity. I’ll be saving the world, after all, I’d deserve a little recognition.’

  Xenixala scoffed. ‘Pfft. Sounds like it’s all foretold anyway. Doesn’t seem like you have much power over how it turns out. In fact, if the prophecy says he’ll save the world, why bother at all?’

  ‘Now you’re getting it,’ chimed in The Nuub.

  ‘That’s not how it works!’ Felina’s face turned bright pink. ‘My love and I will find The Chosen One and go down in history and there’s nothing you can do about it!’

  ‘I’m not stopping you. Knock yourselves out.’

  ‘All you do is hold us back, you, you… witch!’

  Xenixala let the silence linger. ‘I see.’ She made a thin smile as Wordsworth leapt up into her arms and rifled open. ‘It’s like that is it? Well, perhaps you’d like to know what your precious love did with me while you were dead...?’

  The colour drained from Edwardius’ face. ‘Don’t.’

  Felina looked at Edwardius, eyes fearful. ‘What did she do to you my sweet?’

  ‘We…’ Tears welled in Edwardius’ eyes. ‘We were intimate together. I’m so sorry, my love, she got me high on Elixir, then she… used me.’

  ‘You demon!’ Felina spat, drew her dagger and bared her teeth at Xenixala. ‘How could you! I knew we should never have brought you on our quest. You’re nothing but a soulless beast.’

  The Nuub stretched and put himself into a comfortable position. ‘Go on then, turn us into stone.’

  Felina lunged at Xenixala, blade held high.

  But she never reached her target. Instead, she clattered to the ground, stiff and grey. Edwardius and The Nuub were motionless too, their skin solid stone.

  Xenixala closed Wordsworth.

  ‘Guess it’s just the two of us again Wordsworth.’

  Wordsworth’s pages folded into a grin. ‘About time. I was getting rather weary of those two. That Nuub was an odd chap as well.’

  ‘Agreed. Do you remember the prophecy, Wordsworth?’

  ‘Of course. I transcribed it straight away onto Chapter Ten.’

  ‘Excellent.’ Xenixala smiled. ‘Then we may be able to find this Chosen One after all.’

  Wordsworth’s bookmark tongue licked his pages. ‘I could really use an Elixir though.’

  ‘Do better, Xenixala.’

  ‘You read my mind. Let’s steal theirs and get the Holy Mole out of here.’