Yuto clung to the top of the tree like a traumatized squirrel, glaring down at the raging boar ramming the trunk.

  “This thing’s insane!” he hissed. “Alright… I guess it’s time to go full anime.”

  He held up his half-broken wand. “Let’s do this. Lightning!”

  [Spell Selected: Lightning]

  [Activating Divine Skill: Spell Spam]

  [System]: Wait. WAIT. Yuto—

  [System]: Oh no. Not again—

  [System]: Initiating Cooldown-Less Continuous Cast Protocol. May the gods have mercy.

  Yuto screamed, “ZAP HIM!”

  CRACK!

  A massive bolt of lightning shot out and fried the ground.

  CRACK!

  Another followed instantly. And another. And another.

  Then it went full magical machine gun.

  CRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACKCRACK—

  “AAAAAAHHH!!” Yuto yelled, clutching the tree branch as the wand became a lightning turret from hell. The tree started steaming. His hair stood up like an angry hedgehog. Squirrels bailed out of the branches like paratroopers.

  The boar? It got nuked. Instantly. But the spell didn't stop.

  The forest lit up like New Year’s Eve. Lightning bolts scorched everything within a five-meter radius. Birds exploded. A nearby bush caught fire, changed its mind, and exploded too.

  “STOOOOOOOOP!!!” Yuto screamed over the thunder, flailing.

  [System]: To stop Spell Spam, you must say ‘Stop’ clearly and calmly.

  “THAT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN RIGHT NOW!!”

  [System]: Mood detected: Screaming. Try again later.

  Eventually, he screamed a long, drawn-out “STOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!” that rattled his lungs and echoed like a banshee karaoke.

  ZAP... zap... poof.

  Silence.

  Smoke curled from his robe. His face was covered in soot. The tree branch he sat on cracked in half and dropped him flat on his back with a WHUMP.

  [System]: Spell Spam deactivated.

  [System]: You are, technically, still alive. Congratulations.

  Yuto groaned. “Bro…”

  Below him was a smoking crater. In the center, the charred remains of the boar lay twitching. One hoof fell off.

  Yuto stared. Then he licked his dry lips.

  “…I bet that smells amazing.”

  Yuto wiped the boar grease off his face with a leaf and patted his belly.

  “That was… oddly delicious,” he mumbled, tearing up. “A little overcooked, but... damn.”

  [System]: You're welcome. You didn’t die and you had dinner. Peak adventuring.

  “Hey, System,” Yuto said, leaning back on the smoking stump of the tree. “You said before you can give me skills. That true?”

  [System]: I can.

  “For real?! What do I do?!”

  [System]: Beg.

  If you find this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the infringement.

  “…What?”

  [System]: Beg.

  “…Like—?”

  [System]: Down on your knees. Ugly face. The works.

  Yuto blinked. “You serious?”

  [System]: I want to feel it. Make me believe you’re desperate.

  He looked around the empty forest, sighed in defeat… and dropped to his knees. Dirt smeared his pants. He clasped his hands together, stuck out his bottom lip, and scrunched his face so hard it looked like a wrinkled raisin dipped in regret.

  “I BEG YOU, SYSTEM!!! Please!! I need power!!”

  [System]: Hmmm… not bad…

  He flopped forward into the mud. “PLEASE!! LOOK AT THIS FACE! IT’S UGLY, RIGHT?!”

  [System]: Yes. Disgustingly so.

  [System]: More. GROVEL.

  Yuto slammed his forehead into the dirt. “GIMME A SKILL YOU CHEAP FLOATING UI!”

  [System]: YES. YESSS! THIS IS WHAT I LIVE FOR! WAHAHAHAHA!! MORE!! GROVEL HARDER! YES, DESPAIR TASTES AMAZING!!

  Yuto: "Bro, you’re into this way too much..."

  [System]: Fine! I’m in a generous mood. You have earned... a new skill.

  [Skill Gained: Mana Missile – A fast, low-cost magical projectile. More spam potential. Nice.

  Yuto stood up, wiping off his tears and snot. “I feel… gross.”

  [System]: You should. But you got what you wanted. Filthy skill-begging peasant.

  Yuto pushed aside the last branch and finally spotted the cave in the distance.

  It was big.

  It was dark.

  And it definitely, unquestionably…

  “…looks like a butt,” Yuto muttered, squinting. “Like—why does it have dimples? Is that a tailbone?!”

  [System]: It’s a cave. A naturally formed geological structure.

  “It’s two cheeks and a crack!”

  [System]: …You’re not wrong.

  Yuto groaned and slapped his face. “Bro, I’m about to get Isekai-jumpscared by the Ass of Destiny.”

  [System]: Proceed into the Gluteal Chasm of Adventure.

  “Don’t name it that!”

  [System]: Too late. It's canon.

  Yuto sighed and shuffled forward. “Why do I feel like this world is bullying me on purpose?”

  [System]: Because it is.

  He took a cautious step forward—and that’s when it happened.

  PFFFFFFFFT-WHOOOOSH.

  A wet, sulfurous wind BLASTED out of the cave like it had Taco Tuesday for breakfast.

  Yuto staggered back, his hair whipped backward, eyes watering instantly.

  “OH GOD WHY—WHY IS IT WET?!”

  [System]: Congratulations. You’ve been kissed by the Flatulent Winds of Cave Farticus.

  He doubled over, gagging. “It went in my mouth! I tasted that! It tastes like hot gym socks and betrayal!”

  [System]: Legend has it, only those with no self-respect continue past this point. You're doing great.

  Yuto peeled off his robe’s sleeve and wiped his tongue like a man possessed. “Why does it feel like something died in there?”

  [System]: Something probably did. Several things. And then something came along and ate those things. Then farted.

  He pointed accusingly at the cave. “You better not be sentient, you stinky cavern. I’ll zap your colon.”

  [System]: Technically, caves don’t have colons. But I’m rooting for you. Electrify its feelings.

  Yuto groaned and took a deep breath—immediately regretting it. “Okay. Okay. I’m going in.”

  He hovered his foot over the threshold…

  Paused…

  Took it back…

  Held up a finger.

  “I just need one more second to process how my life went from curry to cave butt in 24 hours.”

  [System]: Character development. You're welcome.

  “Alright, fine!”

  He dramatically stepped into the cave.

  FWWWWMP.

  Another wave of air puffed up toward him like a welcoming burp from a digestive dimension.

  Yuto staggered again, swatting the air. “WHY?!”

  [System]: Because you dared to enter. And now, you must inhale your destiny.

  He shivered. “I feel so… unclean.”

  [System]: That’s not guilt. That’s bacteria.

  As Yuto took his fifth reluctant step deeper into the Moist Cavern of Shame (unofficial title, but it fit), the air grew thicker. Slimy. Judgy.

  He grimaced. “I feel disgusting. Like, spiritually unclean. Physically too. Emotionally… I think I just developed trust issues with wind.”

  [System]: That’s the correct response. The cave has that effect on people. And goats. Don’t ask.

  Yuto pulled his collar over his nose like a makeshift gas mask. It didn’t help. The stench was inside him now. A part of his soul.

  “I think it went into my lungs.”

  [System]: Yes. You are now 3% cave gas. Congratulations, you're evolving.

  Yuto gagged. “I hate this. I hate you. I hate caves. I hate nature.”

  [System]: You’re doing great, sweetie.

  He trudged onward, past a dripping stalactite that plopped something suspiciously warm on his shoulder.

  “…I don’t wanna talk about it.”

  [System]: Then don’t. Let the trauma live rent-free.

  Yuto stopped.

  He heard it.

  A low gurgle.

  A squish.

  A distant, wet shuffle echoing through the tunnel.

  Something was in there.

  Waiting.

  Watching.

  Dripping.

  Yuto swallowed. “Please be a cute slime girl.”

  A second later—SQUELCH. Something heavy dragged across the cave floor.

  [System]: Plot twist: It’s not a slime girl.

  Yuto froze, eyes wide.

  Then—