Chapter One – The Full Moon

  In Lunar Abundance, the Full Moon is the perfect time to practice the art of letting go. Assessment to see the obstacles preventing you from achieving your best self and the life you want to live, regardless of the details, focusing more on the feeling. You may be like many in the world who believe fame and wealth will bring you happiness, but forget the old adage of, “money doesn’t buy love or happiness.” Janean knew this well. For years, she’d been focused on establishing a career she could stay in control of, allowing her to build a life or freedom and happiness. She knew bawlin’ on a budget was in her future and was happy just thinking about being on her own. A humble woman with noble values, who understood the meaning of honor, when she’d begun her journey, she’d seen the life she could have as a complete picture with the man who would be her Ultimate True Love standing beside her. She knew we could be the kind of man who would be with her, the two of them supporting each other and loving each other as they worked together to succeed.

  During her journey, however, she got a good look at the real him, his descent happening as she was beginning to ascend. She was meant to catch him, see the real him before he crashed and burned, if only to preserve the good man in him. At first, she’d been nervous, not wanting to assume, knowing what it felt like to have someone pigeon-hole you into being someone you weren’t. She wanted him to be himself and get to know him, having seen the King he could be if he were sure of himself and in charge of his life. But, as it stood, romantic relationships in the Physical World had brought out the worst in him. Sure, she was ok with his being a bit of an asshole, able to turn his douchebag qualities on those that held him back and exploited him, but when she encountered him in such a way that he began to threaten her life and sanity for noticing him, she backed off quickly and reached for the Gods to keep her safe while she corrected her course and got back to earning the life she’d dreamt of, sending up a prayer that, someday, the man she fell in love with spirit first would recover.

  As it was, she could feel the disingenuousness as he attempted to get her to be petty, even if it was his attempt to make amends with her, her response was to ask, “if you despise them so much, why do you try so hard to be like them?” It was a question she was sure he’d turned against her when she looked at people she used to admire, having seen how disingenuous they could be, she realize he was right and decided to focus on her own self-improvement, letting go of old dreams and moving forward, regardless of how fun it might have been to include him in the life she saw. She had quite a few talents she could build her career on, though it would take money to achieve, so she decided to write and work whatever gigs she could find until then. The economy in her area sucked, making it difficult to find gig-work, but she wasn’t giving up. She would earn enough to finally be free.

  Filling out another job application, Janean took a deep breath. Just because she was unemployed didn’t mean she wasn’t earning. She just needed a paycheck to ensure housing and food was available, keeping her sheltered and fed. The closest she had come thus far to living on her own, due to trauma of the past and her parents’ over-controlling behavior, keeping her toing the line between living her life and pissing them off by regaining control of her life and setting boundaries she reinforced. It was a stressful, toxic situation that only eased when she gave into her mother’s demands, sitting in silence and letting her talk even though she never had anything of substance to say. As soon as she decided to do something for herself, her mother immediately pushed her way in to control what she was doing and change her to suit her own ideal, wanting her to be just like her, instead of letting her be happy as herself; pointing out flaws passive-aggressively to insult while she laughed, going to Janean’s father to get him to back her up when she randomly decided to attack her as a person and threatening to take away things Janean needed, like the roof over her head, to get her to comply with her demands.

  She’d seen examples of this behavior in romantic couples as well, the abuser using sex and terrorizing the victim with threats of suicide, which was something her mother did, to force them into feeling guilty for no valid reason and exaggerating the worst-case scenarios if they were to leave. It was never real love with those relationships; it was only ever trauma bonding and abuse, making the victim sick as the abuser twisted up their emotions and mind. She didn’t want to abandon him, knowing what that felt like, having an ally they’d relied on suddenly vanish. But they only knew each other in spirit and, no matter how hard she tried, he didn’t seem to listen when she warned him of what she saw. At that point, it was his own stubbornness that was preventing him from recovering to be his best self. She had no choice but to sit in silence when it came to him, having told him she understood what he was feeling and had felt it as if she were the one who was getting damaged, suffering with him, something she knew he’d done for her before she was aware of their bond, but she’d fought the trauma to be free, hoping that he would see her response and recognize he needed to the same thing for himself when it came to the abusive relationship he was in.

  In her eyes, he wasn’t weak, but time and experience made her wonder if he’d allowed himself to become a doormat for the female he invited into his bed. It was disheartening and painful to admit. What was making it difficult was the genuine love she already had for him and not wanting to let her friend down; once again putting her in a precarious place where she felt she had to be cruel to be kind and stop loving him so easily. It pissed her off that he’d found himself in relationships where he was being exploited and abused, yet the females he chose to have sexual intercourse with in the Physical World always tried to force the notion they were gifts to him as they tore his apart and brought out the worst in him. She would succeed in helping him, she wasn’t sure how, but she’d figure out a way to help him recover, regain his personal power without becoming the kind of Alpha Male Douchebag that terrorized women to get what he wanted, which is what she’d experience from his spirit, and help him get free of the women that simply saw him as a tool to get what they wanted, going so far as to drive him to near violence and destroy the man he worked so hard on becoming, someone he could be proud of.

  She blamed herself in the beginning, needing to recover herself and grow as a person through self-parenting, fighting against the feeling of being exploited herself, knowing that it was simply the memory of what his ex-girlfriend was like and how easily he could see her wanting Janean to do all the work so that she could benefit. It had gotten to the point that when she received positive reinforcement or a compliment from his spirit, she was surprised to receive it. Often, she had to fight, reminding him that any behavior from his most recent abuser in the Physical World was a fa?ade designed to lull him into a false sense of security, a hallmark tactic for the Covert Narcissistic Abuser. Janean knew he was doing the dance of pretending like he didn’t believe in things like magic and spirits, his abuser pressing that he needed more therapy and psychiatric help, gas-lighting instead of being supportive. She was a non-believer, and Janean knew she would never believe because it would mean self-examination and recognition of her own behavior. She got the same response from her mother who would become jealous when Janean spoke of the spirits she interacted with on a regular basis, talking to her guides to figure shit out and be able to hold on to the her she could be proud of, as well as achieve her goals.

  “Ha, duh, got over him,” she received from the spirits with the feeling of it being his girlfriend’s true thoughts and feelings when it came to him feeling bad that the relationship between Janean and him had become strained. Then again, that’s what she wanted. She wanted him to be dependent on her for emotional support to give her the chance to continue to exploit him. She was a petty, superficial individual that used her femineity to control him, using guilt and pretending to be weak. She was sure she’d even offered to pray with him, hoping to defeat Janean when he was getting conflict because of Janean needing her friend and his girlfriend not wanting him to think for himself. Where Janean respected his boundaries and was willing to back off, even when it broke her heart to do so, his girlfriend exploited his pain when he’d regret cutting her off from receiving positive support.

  Janean had been like a kid back then, wanting to share what she’d learned and her achievements in healing with him, hoping he’d be proud, but she’d been punished for reaching out to him. Eventually, she backed off and said, “I’m going to keep moving forward with my work. I wish things had been different and we could have been friends.” It left a hole where there was once inspiration and love, but she had to keep moving forward. She could already feel the false sweetness of his most recent abuser, ready to exploit, and she had to fight to keep her head on straight, refusing to give in to the baseless accusations, guilt tripping, and deceit that made her feel like a bad person or reinforced negativity and self-righteousness that was like a cancer to the soul and mental health. Their relationship was toxic, no matter how it was examined, and she prayed he got free of her soon.

  When she’d first become aware of him and started to believe, he’d been in a relationship with someone who reinforced behavior and feeling that reminded her of the real Tommy Lee, not the sweetened version portrayed in the Hulu show Pam & Tommy. She’d reassured him that she’d been around people like that and he was more like Sebastian Stan than Tommy Lee, a kind man who didn’t like violence in his romance and encouraged him to get out before she drove him to violence and landed him in jail for domestic abuse. He seemed to be alright for a while, until his newest girlfriend, the fake love cycle starting up again with her love-bombing to blind him, her manipulation to maneuver him into a relationship he’d resisted until, one day, he recognized that he’d been trapped and just became defeated. She could feel his resentment and hatred towards her, hating just being around her. She was the type of person who enjoyed being miserable and refused to see him as anything more than a thing to use and change to suit her desires, regardless of the damage it caused. The feelings she got from the spirits letting her know the truth of the situation were that she couldn’t stand the real him, felt humiliated for being associated with him and had decided to just put up with him, making him feel inadequate until he’d started bending over backwards to please her, something she exploited every chance she had. She didn’t see a reason to compromise or meet him halfway, instead she enjoyed making him do all the work and ignoring him, acting magnanimous when she gave him a compliment which was rare enough to make it seem like a big deal, any show of support being something she expected a press release and a parade for.

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  The woman he was dating spent years crafting her fa?ade to hide how toxic she was, knowing she caused damage to those who were unfortunate enough to trust her. She enjoyed it and saw it as the best way to get what she wanted, reminding Janean of the character Grace Burgess from Peaky Blinders. It made her wonder, if she’d seen the show when her friend had been obsessed with it, if he would have been prepared and recognized that she really was that kind of villain. As strange as it was, she hoped he got the urge to watch it, see the similarities and recognize the kind of woman he’d allowed into his life. If she knew the show and refused to let him watch it, it was because she knew her true character would be displayed on the screen, helping him recognize that she was a villain, the kind of person who would say, “you lose, I win,” and kick an innocent person when they were down because it made her feel powerful to hurt people. Any trauma she sustained didn’t unlock the mentality, she just used it as an excuse to give herself permission to be that ugly to others. The feeling Janean got was that she used a past relationship that she blew out of proportion and villainized her ex, making things up to make herself seem like the victim. Hearing her spirit, it became nothing but whining and poor-pity-me, mixed with the refusal to listen, even her acceptance of positive support being disingenuous as she simply postured when he got the response she wanted.

  She felt bad for her friend, recognizing the “nice guys finish last,” situation and genuinely wanted to help. All she could do was educate and pray. He needed to stop accommodating her, giving in to her manipulations to get what she wanted. She was an expert in deceiving him to make him think she wasn’t so bad, just to exploit him again. Losing his appeal with her, meaning there weren’t any benefits to their relationship would reveal her true character more and more as she made it obvious, she was disgusted being around him and saw no reason to continue their relationship. She was only staying for the opportunities to be seen with someone who was successful. She thought of the highly educated nerds in the community where she’d found most of her friends, thinking of them getting excited to have a model-like girlfriend interested in them once they’d become successful and, again, hated women like her. Yana Bannanna, her natural tendency to care bringing out the Mommy in her to show love men like that. They were good ones who didn’t deserve the abuse, and she knew they just wanted to be loved. If it wasn’t for their natural tendency to be total squish bears, she might be attracted to them as something more than a platonic caregiver, but she needed passion and a man strong enough to handle her at her worst without getting defeated, standing up to her to help her grow. But she did love her NASA nerds, reminding her that there was so much more to be explored.

  She was an Adventurer and a Bohemian at heart, enjoying simple pleasures and spending quality time with friends, seeing herself with him and them, sharing a beer around the firepit, listening to music and relaxing. She looked forward to having that in her life and knew, someday, she’d find it. She wasn’t a violent person under normal circumstances, though she could appreciate Viking style revelry and dreamt of a man who would take her to the gym and teach her self-defense to blow off steam, rewarding her for doing well against in the ring by taking her home and showing his appreciation for her strength. She knew she needed a dominant male because of her upbringing, admitting that she’d grown-up with rage issues, even though she’d mellowed out quite a bit, recognizing that violence was rarely the answer unless it was needed to break the hold of an abuser or to defend oneself. Thinking of her friend, she was still concerned, but needed to focus on her own work, knowing it was the best way to help him. She could feel his second guessing already, and recognize he was questioning her, something he needed to do to finally break her control over him. She could also see issues with money, making him feel like he had to start all over when he’d had a financial safety net before she came along, her expensive tastes eating away at his savings and her refusal to help with the bills, expecting him to pay for her shopping by guilting him saying she didn’t have as much as he did. If she had been with him, she would be clipping coupons and keeping her spending to a minimum, only indulging in luxury buys when she had earned her own cash and the bills were paid. Then, again, she’d also grown up with a hording depression spender that had instilled those habits and would be relying on him to make her pause before spending money, recognizing that it wasn’t necessary without complaint, helping her achieve her goal of being a minimalist and staying in touch with her humble roots to free her from the material trappings of stuff and labels to advertise wealth, believing that somehow made someone important. Looking at her own jewelry, silver and steel, she shook her head when she saw the gaudy oversized diamonds people wore to show off, knowing one ring that size could feed a small country if it were sold and donated to charity.

  She forgave him any slights of the past, not really remembering what they were, and hating the old mentality of her parents that had her assuming the worst. She could hear the words, “I didn’t mean anything by it,” reminding her of her mother and sister attempting to dismiss the hurtful things they said and did. Janean was doing her best to be a better person than her abusers and was willing to recognize her flaws and work on them. Then again, she was genuinely working on recovery and self-betterment, not trying to manipulate and control. Even as she focused on recognizing improvement points, she could hear the abuse going on, fake generosity turning into guilt tripping claiming that he owed her for something, claiming she was changing for him and making him feel guilty for it when she hadn’t really changed at all, she was still self-serving and manipulative, making it seem like she was debasing herself by loosening up, resenting and hating him and who she appeared to be when she did so. The entire relationship was fucked up and unhealthy for them both, something he could easily get her to see by pointing out that she hated him for changing to please him. Making it about her and her happiness, encouraging them parting ways would be a turning point where she wouldn’t be able to argue without displaying her exploitation.

  Gambling when she had the cash was the worst Janean got, hoping for a financial windfall that didn’t come from someone else’s generosity that would set her free. Then again, she could feel that the “worst him,” hoped to be strong enough to free himself without her assistance. It made her realize they needed each other and the recognition of that was a humbling experience. She knew their spirit guides were listening in on her thoughts and helping him, a third-party perspective and experience helping him gain clarity in the situation. She’d gotten the story wrong in the beginning, even though she got it right, looking at life as someone who was getting ready to start over, considering things like dating after beginning off the market for over a decade and a half, starting her journey to self-examine and figure out what she needed in life and love, considering things like BDSM while being realistic about the situation. There were those who would jump at the chance to train her to please them, even if it cause psychological damage. Her journey had been one of self-love, recognizing her self-worth and that she didn’t need to change to fit her perfect partner, she already did in a way that could help them both, just like he hadn’t needed to change to make her proud. The feeling of the real him was enough to do that.

  “Three tests, one a forced fit, the other adjusting and allowing him to change me within reason, the third already being myself and that being what he wants,” she said knowing her guides were listening.

  “You ready?” Zagreus asked.

  “To recap what I’ve learned?” she asked. “Yeah.”

  “Good, because I’m tired of hearing her demand he affords expensive things to please her. Unfortunately, your admiration of Hades was kinda fucking things up in the beginning because he didn’t see that what you admired wasn’t Hades’s wealth and abundance, it was his kind nature even if he’s stern. He knows the difference between a good person who needs assistance and someone just out to exploit,” Zagreus said. “He protects his people, especially those he loves and sees potential in to achieve on their own, only mentoring long enough for them to recognize that they have the capability to succeed before he sets them free to do it on their own, which is why he’s been doing his best to help you. As soon as you were ready to succeed on your own, he backed off to watch you from a distance, ready to help if you needed it and be there in case you needed to talk. You’ll return to him after death to regale him with stories of your life, but he wants you to go out and make good memories, not waste away trapped in your old life.”

  “I know, and I will,” she said. “Thank you for being there for me.”

  “You’re welcome,” he said. “Just remember, you need someone who is more like me than you do Hades when it comes right down to it. You and Persephone have a lot in common, but she’s just a mom-friend who helps inspire you and has been there for you during the healing process. No matter what happens, just remember that we love you and that we’ll get through this together.”

  “Ok,” she said, taking a deep breath. “So, back to philosophies and life lessons.”

  “Spiritual journeying to cope,” he said with a chuckle. “I’m glad you chose that instead of self-destructive behaviors. Truth is, that’s what he does, too.”

  “Well, then, he’ll enjoy what we’ve got mapped out, including what I’ve learned,” she said with a yawn, “but right now, I feel like I need to meditate.”