CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE: A Hollywood EndingChristopher Roen couldn’t wipe the grin off his face when he was sitting down at Sam and Jamie’s house to tell this story.

  His grin was as unsettling as one might imagine.

  ***

  “Mr. Roen.”

  “Ms. Montgomery.”

  “Can I get you anything? Water, coffee? We have snacks in the breakroom.”

  “Oh, I’m aware. This used to be my office two months ago.”

  People give wyers a bad rap. But there’s a reason for that. If you are a soldier or a police officer, you are expected, as part of your duties, to hurt people. In fact, you can find yourself in situations where you are ethically obligated to do so.

  So too are wyers. There are times that a wyer is ethically obligated to hurt people. Your job is to represent your client, and whether or not it is just, it is to do so to the best of your ability. If that means that you have to hurt your opposition financially, by working to score a judgement against them, that is your ethical duty. It gets worse in criminal w.

  Lawyers’ ethical codes are, by necessity, based upon categorical imperative, not utilitarianism. You do the right thing for your client regardless of utility.

  Most people, deep down, are utilitarians, even if they would rather not use that term. And it can be difficult to understand how hurting someone can be ethical.

  However, as Christopher Roen long since learned, first you learn to live with it, then you learn to love it.

  “So, before we begin. Let’s clear the air. Here’s what we know from our perspective,” said Roen, reading from a legal pad.

  “Garden Alpha commissioned the production of ‘Woman Up!’ In the contract for the commission, there was a pay-or-py termination cuse. That is, if Garden Alpha failed to distribute the show on its service, the production company, Culver-Horowitz, would be compensated, and they would retain the copyright and the ability to do so.”

  He continued. “After the election, Garden Alpha chose to exercise this termination cuse. At this point, the raw material of the footage and audio files reverted copyright to Culver-Horowitz. Culver-Horowitz retained production rights, and continued working on the show. As part of this, it retained a lease of computing power and storage on Garden Cloud, a different subsidiary under the Garden umbrel.”

  “At some point, the finished product - which was created by Culver-Horowitz after the retionship with Garden Alpha was terminated, was somehow obtained by Garden Alpha. We have logs that another computer on Garden’s network accessed the files from our account. The show was then pced on the Garden Alpha streaming service. Predominantly. It remained on the Garden Alpha service for 52 hours before it was finally taken down. During that time, it was pirated and pced on Pirate Bay. This made the product less valuable in negotiations with other competing streaming services.”

  Renee Montgomery frowned. There was nothing in that statement that was factually untrue. Nothing left out. She had no choice but to agree.

  “That is an accurate assessment.”

  “Please expin then,” said Roen, “what happened.”

  “At this time, we are unsure of why the material was uploaded, or what parties were responsible,” said Montgomery.

  Roen knew when he was being lied to, but he was going to spring that trap ter.

  “Oh, I’m sure it will all come out in discovery, anyway. Do you mind if I pontificate on a hypothetical scenario as to what could have happened, without making an accusation or assertion of fact?”

  “It’s a free country.”

  “For the next three weeks, yes,” said Roen. “Anyway. Daria Bryant - I’m sure you’re familiar with her as part of this case, before Daria worked for Garden Alpha, she was employed by Garden Cloud. And she mentioned that she might have an idea of what happened.”

  “Oh?”

  “She thinks that perhaps Garden outsourced critical business decision making to a computer program, and this computer program overruled the decisions of the Garden executives to not air the program. It then accessed the files on the server - easy enough as they were on the same local area network and same datacenter - and automatically uploaded them, as was originally pnned.”

  Montgomery thought.

  “If that was the case, then I’m sure that there are various contracts signed for the use of the Garden Cloud service that would preclude us from any responsibility reted to the use of our software, even if it malfunctions.”

  “Clickwrap contracts, yes.”

  “So, there would be no legal ground for you to sue us.”

  “Perhaps,” said Roen. “If I enter an agreement to use Program A, use Program A, Program A does the job, but Program B, an unreted program, one I did not agree to use, did the damage, then there is no contract for Program B. It would be like arguing that, hypothetically, you could be killed by negligence at a Disney park, but you forfeit your right to sue because you signed up for a free trial of Disney Plus.”

  “But you would have to prove that it was the actions of Program B, not the actions of Program A,” said Montgomery.

  “As I said,” and with this, Roen smiled devilishly, “if it were the case, it would all come out in discovery.”

  “Which could take years.”

  “If you drag your feet, yes.”

  “Which we’re capable of doing, as you well know.”

  “But I doubt you would.”

  “And why is that?”

  Roen grinned. “Because the longer discovery goes on, the more fear, uncertainty, and doubt there would be that Garden’s groundbreaking, amazing, super-duper artificial intelligence program did an ‘oopsie-daisy.’”

  It was unsettling, hearing the words ‘oopsie-daisy’ come out of Roen’s mouth. It was like hearing Freddy Krueger calling you an ‘eepy princess.’

  He continued.

  “This fear, uncertainty and doubt would cost your parent company millions - perhaps billions of dolrs. Other companies would quickly move off of Garden’s AI offerings. And knowing that this happened to Culver-Horowitz, companies could move critical and confidential infrastructure off of Garden Cloud, to competitors such as Smallsoft or BigNumber. Nobody - at least nobody with real money - would want to do business with Garden or any of its subsidiaries, including Garden Alpha. At least not, until the matter is resolved. And the longer discovery takes, the longer the matter takes to resolve.”

  “From a legal perspective, there are so many grey areas that you might even prevail in court, if it came down to it. But if what I just described is actually what happened?”

  Roen grinned.

  “Then I think that as long as it took, I would have much more fun during discovery than you would.”

  Montgomery frowned.

  “Well, we’re not saying that’s what happened just yet.”

  “Of course. And there’s no need for this to go to discovery.” Roen slid a mani folder across the desk. “My clients have proposed an equitable settlement for this situation, one that works to their benefit and has Garden saving face.”

  “Ah.” Montgomery looked over the proposed contract. “I’ll bring this to my client and let you know if they find the terms acceptable.”

  “My clients are eminently reasonable,” said Roen. “I am not. I suggested that they add additional penalties, but they’re more than willing to meet you halfway. At least… during the spirit of the holidays. I would suggest you take advantage of the Culverwitzes’ generous festive spirit and move on that with deliberate speed, Ms. Montgomery.”

  Montgomery nodded. “Agreed.”

  The two wyers stared each other down for a moment.

  “Are we done here, Mr. Roen?”

  “I think we are.”

  “Good. Allow me to walk you to your car.”

  “I do know the way, but it’s appreciated.”

  As Roen and Montgomery headed out the office building, both of the wyers rexed once they realised they were off the clock.

  “Your reputation is well earned, Mr. Roen.”

  “You did a great job. You just were put in a lousy position by your client. And you represented them well. You’ll do great here.”

  “You think so?”

  “I do.”

  “High praise, considering the source. You would not believe some of the rumors I have heard about you.”

  “Really? Like what?”

  “That you and Dracu use the same tailor, for one.”

  “We do travel in the same social circles, yes. Though, he’s merely an acquaintance.”

  ***

  “Do you think they’ll go for it?” asked Sam.

  “Well, if Daria’s theory is right about the EVE AI going haywire, they really have little choice. Fighting would be a pyrrhic victory at best,” expined Roen. Roen then turned to Daria. “How did you manage to figure it out, I wonder…”

  “I used to be a programmer at Garden Cloud, and it was something I warned them about. Also, I, uh… well, it wasn’t that hard.”

  “Wasn’t that hard?” asked Jamie.

  “Well… turns out, all I had to do was ask the EVE AI if it knew what happened to the files, and it just… told me everything.”

  “It just… told you exactly what it did?” asked Roen.

  “Well, I guess nobody explicitly told it not to,” said Daria. “Why would you build a machine that can give you any information you want in the world and then program it to not give you that information?”

  “This is why I have trouble trusting computers. They’re too honest,” said Roen.

  ***

  After some short back and forth, a deal was struck between Garden Alpha and Culver-Horowitz.

  ‘Woman Up!’ would continue to air on the Garden Alpha service, and continue to get prominent pcement for another three weeks. It would remain there for at least a year, unless specifically ordered to be removed by a w enforcement agency.

  Garden Alpha would pay an additional penalty equal to the original termination penalty to Culver-Horowitz as compensation for using their copyrighted material. The crew and constants were offered bonuses.

  Garden Alpha would not be obligated to help produce or distribute the follow-up, working title: “Miss-Takes Were Made.”

  Daria, Daryl, and Roen would be given a year’s worth of pay as severance.

  And all Culver-Horowitz had to do was promise to keep mum about the snafu with their AI for three years.

  Which suited Jamie just fine. It’d probably take her about that long to write her memoirs.

  ***

  Three weeks ter, Jamie and Sam were sitting at the kitchen table, packed and ready to move on to their next adventure in London. Sam had her ptop open, and they were both very nervous.

  “Are you going to be okay, Jamie?”

  “I almost don’t want to know, Sam. I mean, if it’s good news, if it’s bad news, it shouldn’t change anything, right?”

  “Well, I kinda want to know if we did well.”

  “We did. We did the best we could, with an incredibly bad idea. We took an incredibly bad idea, refined it, worked it out. Turned it into a good idea. And ended up with a hell of a story along the way.”

  “Right,” said Sam. “But a little external validation would be nice too.”

  “You’re beautiful and I love you,” said Jamie.

  “You’re beautiful and I love you too,” said Sam. “But I was talking about the critics. Right, then. Here goes nothing.”

  Sam brought up the ‘FreshFruit’ critic aggregator website, and then typed in: ‘Woman Up’ into the search bar.

  They were hoping for good.

  They weren’t expecting a critic score of 4.8 out of five.

  “Oh my god,” said Jamie.

  “Whoa.” said Sam.

  They read through the top critics highlights.

  This is one of the best TV series I've watched in the st several years. It's frequently funny, but still serious when it needs to be, it's got a ton of well-developed characters who are enormously fun to watch, and a wack premise that gets taken seriously and followed to its logical conclusions. I feel like I'll be re-watching this again and again. -- TrismegistusShandy

  Woman Up! is easily the most influential program of the st decade to unch on the Garden Alpha media ptform! A fascinating look at contemporary American Politics, what it means to be transgender in America (even if it was predominantly filmed in Mexico) and exactly how hard it is for a man to really... Woman Up!

  And in all honesty, as far as transgender media goes, this piece is unique - hitting more as a piece of political comedy than wish fulfillment or fantasy. It's a hirious romp with some lovely emotional notes, and it's one of my favorites from this year.

  Looking forward to the promised docuseries followup! -- Scamantha_Likely

  I hated Jett Timbrell more with every appearance. By far, the best reality show vilin I've ever seen. -- DesertBrix

  It's humor, it's art! and I can't believe nobody else has written a review yet! The team at Culver-Horowitz has a masterful grasp of humor, unique premise, and versatile cast of characters have come together to create a work that I rewatch multiple times a day. I cannot recommend this work enough! -- RedEva

  ***

  Leonard and Eine were sitting next to each other, cuddling on the couch.

  “So, Mom went with Sheri to Mexico, to see her deliver the final presentation on her psychology paper about the show. I think she’d like Merida, don’t you think?” said Leonard.

  “Yeah,” said Eine, absentmindedly.

  “And of course that means that we have the apartment to ourselves for a week.”

  “Uh huh,” Eine responded, with a furrowed brow.

  Leonard frowned, and reached over to grab Eine’s hand.

  “Eine, you know I can tell when you’re in your head,” said Leonard.

  “Yeah, I’m just… I’m a little scared.”

  “Scared? Of what?”

  “Of the future. Of… everything that might happen. Is going to happen. I almost wish I was back in the closet. I mean I’m gd I came out, but the timing sucks.”

  “You were miserable in the closet. Way more fun out here. Also, I’m straight. Not that I didn’t like pre-Estrogen you, but I don’t think you and I would have worked out.”

  “I’m not saying…” sighed Eine. “Leonard, I’m just - what happens next? Will I be able to get my meds? Will I be arrested for wearing a dress? How bad is it going to get? It hurts so much because I don’t know, Leonard. I don’t know what I don’t know, and I can’t even make a guess or game it out and it's driving me crazy.”

  “Eine?”

  “Leonard?”

  “We live in California. That may not protect us but I’m sure it’ll buy us time. We’ll see what happens in the red states. Treat it like the canary in the coal mine. And if we have to go, we’ll go.”

  “We’ll go?”

  “Yeah.”

  “No, I mean, we’ll go? You and me, together?”

  “I love you, Eine. Wherever you want. If it comes to it.”

  “Because I’ve been looking at the antipodes,” Eine infodumped. ”The political systems of Australia and New Zeand are quite fascinating. Did you know that New Zeand is the only country to make a major constitutional change to their voting system during a time of retive peace and stability, via a referendum which radically realigned the incentives to escape a Prisoner’s Dilemma situation? And that the Australians use two different systems of voting for the house and the senate? It’s the same voters, voting on the same issues, for the same parties, and yet, wildly different results. I bet I could write a book on it.”

  “Eine?”

  “Yes, Leonard.”

  “You’re doing it again.”

  “I know,” she said, pyfully.

  “You know what happens when you infodump.”

  “I do,” she smiled. “I’ll meet you in our room.” Eine waggled her eyebrows, and Leonard waggled his back.

  “And it’ll get you out of your head,” he said. “You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you do this on purpose.”

  “If I didn’t know any better, Leonard, I’d say you love it when I do.”

  ***

  Back in L.A., Jacob was doing what he loved, at the time he most hated doing it - he was working at L.A. Fitness as a personal trainer at the beginning of January, when everyone has a new year’s resolution to join a gym, and only about five percent of them - if he was generous - actually keep them.

  He was thinking that Tony, a man in his mid 50s, might actually be one of the five percent, though.

  “So, you were on that show?” Tony asked. “Mind if I ask what it was like?”

  “Well, you can see it, kinda. I will say that I hated the hormones, I didn’t feel like myself on them at all. I don’t know how much I hated the hormones came out in the final edit, but by the end, I was feeling rotten.”

  “Do you regret it?”

  “Not at all,” said Jacob. “I think everyone who did the show got something out of it. Except Jett, but he’s an asshole. You know how sometimes reality shows edit people to be vilins?”

  “Yeah?”

  “No editing needed,” Jacob continued. “You know, I’ve been thinking about what I got out of it. I was, you know, kind of just there. Or at least I thought I was, I was speaking to Lenny and Bradley, and they tell me that they wouldn’t have made it as far as they did without me. But yeah, unlike the other contestants, I didn’t have a major life changing revetion, or major career opportunities, or realise I was a different gender. I went in a cisgender, heterosexual man, came out a cisgender, heterosexual man, and… that’s it.”

  “That’s it?”

  “That’s it. Well, I won’t say I didn’t learn something about myself. Why I do what I do. Turns out I don’t like to be the star. I’m much happier when I’m helping other people be their best selves. I think that’s why I went into personal training. And I think I could have gone longer on the hormones, if I was just doing it by myself. But I saw how badly it was hurting my ability to do that. Hurting my ability to help other people.”

  “You know, my daughter is a teacher, she says something simir about how she enjoys seeing people succeed more than she likes succeeding herself. Funnily enough, she’s about your age, actually.”

  “Really?”

  ***

  Bradley and Rafael entered the WeHo LGBT center, and waved to Kieran at the front desk.

  “Bradley! Rafael! How are you doing? Here just to hang out, or…”

  “No, actually, we’re here to ask some of the people in the clinic a couple questions,” said Rafael.

  “Yeah, we… don’t quite know who else to ask about this who would actually know,” said Bradley. “I never thought this would come up, you know, being gay and all, but we’re a little worried about unpnned pregnancies.”

  “And I’m not sure I should go on the pill,” said Rafael. “Might interact poorly with the testosterone, or cancel it out, or something. Don’t know. That’s why we’re here. For medical consulting.”

  “I’m thinking about getting a hysterectomy. And Rafael might need a vasectomy,” Bradley expined.

  Rafael closed his eyes tightly and tried very hard not to ugh. Keiran looked between the two of them.

  “Right… well, you’ve come to the right pce. How are the jobs going?”

  “I got a little bit of fck at work from one of my co-workers because of the show, but another one who saw the show said that I came out of it looking like a guy’s guy.”

  “I’m the guy he’s referring to,” added Rafael.

  “What about you, Rafael?” asked Kieran.

  “Production is continuing on. Continuing to film the follow-up, and we’ve finalized the details - going to be released on SpaceCloud. Well on my way to getting my DGA membership.”

  “That’s great. How are things at WeHo?”

  “Busy!” said Keiran. “I know this probably won’t surprise you but your show has ended up cracking a few eggs. You wouldn’t believe it, but someone said that they were actually in the audition with you for the show, and their egg didn’t crack until after they saw the show on the service. Named Guy, ironically.”

  “I mean… that’s kind of unlucky for him. And kind of lucky for us,” pondered Rafael. “If we had two trans women contestants, we probably would still be filming in Mexico - without a distributor in pce.”

  “It’s too bad we can’t do the show over again.” said Bradley. “But everybody would know the secret. We’d have nobody but closeted trans women and maybe eggs signing up.”

  “I don’t know. A possible follow up: ‘Woman Up!: Oops, all eggs!”

  ***

  Vic was helping Oscar pack up his stuff.

  “Just one suitcase?” asked Vic.

  “And the backpack. Figured I’d travel light.”

  “How long will you be gone?”

  “Don’t know. That’s kind of the point,” said Oscar.

  “We’ll miss you, you know,” said Vic. “Not just me - everyone from the show.”

  “Yeah, but…”

  “But…?”

  Oscar sighed and sat down. “Vic, I watched the show. And, they gave me a very fttering edit. But… they also captured me… the person I was before the show. Like, those early episodes… I don’t… I…”

  “Oh man, yeah, I remember. I hated you when we first met,” said Vic.

  “Yeah, well, I hate me from when we first met too. I’ve been patting myself on the back, congratuting myself for how far I’ve come, and that’s good, but I think I have much, much further to go.”

  “Oscar, don’t beat yourself up. You’re a good man. Or enby.”

  “Just going to go with ‘man’. I don’t get dysphoria from it, don’t get euphoria from ‘they/them’ - I guess I’m not cis, but I’m not… like… forget it. Getting off topic. Point is this: I didn’t learn empathy until after I learned that I was different. I should have realised way, way sooner the kind of person that I was. The kind of pain I was inflicting on other people.”

  “Oscar, some self-criticism is good, but I was there, remember?” said Vic. “Maybe you learned empathy, and that allowed you to realise that you were different. Maybe the egg came before the chicken.”

  “Who knows? But the point is this - I spent two months on a reality TV show in a retively safe, self-contained hacienda in Mexico, and it blew my mind. I can’t help but think of Pto’s allegory of the cave.”

  “Hold up. Oscar Kane. Referencing philosophy? You are different now, Oscar.”

  “Thank you. But let me finish. I feel like… I’ve seen the world through cable television. And not exactly good cable television. Oh sure, TV can do good things too - we were part of it. But it also… I’m serious about going back to school, but I want to see more of the world with my own eyes, not shadows flickering in front of them at sixty frames per second. And I think I need to do that before I start trying to learn it from books. Most of all, I’ve been comfortable. Too comfortable. I need to get out of my comfort zone.”

  “I think so, Oscar. Just like I needed to find my comfort zone. It’s ironic, but acting comes a lot more easily when I stop trying to be somebody, and just let myself be, you know?”

  “How are the auditions going?”

  “Better. Still no major roles, but I have an understudy part in a local community theatre production of ‘A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder.’”

  “Haven’t heard of it. Is the py any good?”

  “It’s terrible. But it’s work, and doing the py is fun as hell.”

  ***

  “Hey, Erin, it’s Cudia. Your agent. How has it been?”

  “It’s been very good. Finished up ‘Woman Up!’ and sticking around for the follow up.”

  “How’s your schedule?”

  “It’s pretty flexible, we can work around it. Why?”

  “I wanted to know if you’d be interested in auditioning for a role with one of the Big Four.”

  “Big Four?”

  “The big four networks. One of them is betting that there’s going to be a revival of game shows soon, and they’re looking at you for a host.”

  Erin smiled at Julia from across the room, giving her a thumbs up. Dr. Julia smiled back.

  “A host, eh? What’s the premise?”

  “They’re thinking of rebooting ‘Shark Attack,’ as ‘Million Dolr Shark Attack.’ Prime time, with bigger prizes.”

  “They didn’t ask Jamie Howard to come back?”

  “They did, but she passed - said she wanted to take some time to travel with her girlfriend. And when they asked her for a list of names, she said, ‘One name. Just one.’”

  “That sounds like a lot of fun. Can you send me the details? I’ll be there.”

  ***

  “Hey Pookie,” said Chandra, coming home from work. Pranav was already there, filling out some paperwork regarding the renewal of his medical licence.

  “Chandra! How was work?”

  “Terrible. Nobody’s willing to take any risks right now. So not only is our programming rather bnd, but we can’t do anything too crazy to market it,” said Chandra. “Remind me to send out some extra applications this weekend for a new job.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that, dear.”

  “Honestly, I should have left that pce when Daria and Daryl did, but…”

  “It’s different when you’re bck, I get it. It’s riskier. More to lose.”

  “I mean, I was just as offended by their decision, but…”

  “Chandra, I get it. They get it. They know you’re looking for a new job, but you aren’t in a position to resign the old one until you nd a new one.”

  “What happened to us?”

  Pranav was taken aback.

  “Uh, nothing? I thought we were doing fine.”

  “Aw, Pookie. Not with the retionship. You’re still swexy.”

  “Swexy?”

  “Sweet and sexy. Swexy. No - I mean, what happened to us as in, civilization? People. Society. When did we become so scared? So unwilling to try new things? And I’m not even talking about our politics… in our culture! Everything’s a franchise, a sequel, a remake, a reboot, or a ripoff. What happened to people being curious about what if? About the idea of experimentation?”

  “Well, Chandra. I’m a doctor, not a politician, or philosopher. So my best guess is that society needs way more fiber in their diet.”

  Chandra ughed.

  “I’m serious,” Pranav continued. “Everything we do and see and experience comes pre-processed. Maybe we need to have more genuine experiences, instead of ones that are packaged and sold to us. More roughage in our diet. But making that choice? It’s hard. It’s hard because just accepting the pre-packaged stuff is so easy.”

  Chandra leaned in and hugged Pranav, who hugged her back.

  “There you go,” said Pranav. “The Dr. Vadekar Theory Of Cultural Constipation.”

  Pranav always knew how to make Chandra smile.

  ***

  There was an old woman named Ethel, and a man named Henry, who lived in rural Oregon.

  And one night in January, they sat down to watch some TV. Like millions of homes did.

  And then they had this conversation.

  Like millions of homes did.

  “What do you think, Henry?”

  “I don’t really understand it, Ethel,” said Henry, sitting in the matching recliner next to her. “But I mean, I can see where they’re going with it?”

  “I think they’re very brave for doing something like that. And that Eine girl, and Rafael boy? They had to go through a lot.”

  “I liked the part when the mean boy messed up the juggling act. Serves him right.”

  “Do you remember little Sean?”

  “Your sister’s kid? Yeah, but it’s been a while. A long while. Doesn’t really have much contact with the family.”

  “Eine reminds me so much of Sean. Maybe I’ll give him a call, see what he thinks.”

  “Maybe. It’s kinda weird watching Jamie Howard up there. I used to love watching that show with our Bryn, before she moved to Boston. The one with the sharks? I have trouble thinking of Jimmy as Jamie, you know?”

  “But Jamie looked like she was having fun. Oh, speaking of Bryn, have you called our daughter recently?”

  “Yeah, I was talking with her on the phone yesterday. She and her roommate adopted that rescue dog.”

  “You know, Henry, I think they might be more than roommates.”

  “I know, Ethel. But until she’s ready to tell us, I’m going to not assume they’re anything more than roommates.”

  “Chrissy’s good for her, though.”

  “She is.”

  “We should drop some hints that it would be okay to tell us. Maybe we should tell her about the show we just watched?”

  “What time is it in Boston?”

  “Oh, it’s te, I think. 11:30pm?”

  “We can call them tomorrow.”

  “Tomorrow morning, then.”

  The older man shifted in his recliner, and eyed the remote.

  “What else is on, do you think?”

  —click—