I could push forward through the quests, reaching max level and gaining access to additional means of earning gold. I’d have to leave Peter in the dust, so it’s not ideal. I could go run the trash heap over and over, trying for the pet drop, but the faster I do it, the closer I get to pissing off the Monitor. So that’s not ideal either. If I had enough weapons to take full advantage of my spells, would I be able to handle impossible threats like the yeti, or the Honorlord and his shitty kids? I remember Peter mentioning one of my options to get another weapon like Esquire was blacksmithing, and my mining skill can be used to gather the resources needed.
With that in mind, I make my way to the profession market. A few players point and speak to each other in hushed whispers as I pass. Ignoring them, the blacksmithing trainer greets me in the typical orc way, a canned line about honor and violence, before showing me the training menu. It’s far more extensive than the mining one, listing off tons of different things I could make, weapons or armor, and components for other professions. All of the stuff I can make at my level of skill is useless to me, so I scroll through the menu until I find a named weapon.
Thunderhead, Hammer of the Thunder God. - Epic One-handed Hammer - Unique Equip - Requires level 60 - Low Strength - Low Blunt Damage
Sentient: This weapon has a consciousness. It can operate and think independently.
Floating: This weapon has the ability to hover close to the ground.
Spells that cause electric damage can be cast using Thunderhead as the origin point.
I’m starting to sense a theme here. The materials required are ten Bone Steel Ingots, Eel Leather, and a Dormant Electricity. The recipe also lists an enchanter with equivalent skill level and recipe as a requirement. I find Bone Steel Ingot a few recipes down the list, their required materials are ten bones and ten iron bars each. Most of that seems doable, I just need to figure out where to get Dormant Electricity, Eel Leather, and a willing enchanter.
Earl says: Where do I get Dormant Electricity?
Googoo says: lightning and thunder elementals
Kickinthepants says: Can’t you just hack some?
Rickroll says: what do you mean?
Kickinthepants says: that guys a hacker, i saw it on youtube
Youtube? Was Highroad recording his friends jump me? That must have been what his one eye going hazy was about. I wish I could just tell them the truth and get everyone off of my back.
Rickroll says: are you really a hacker?
Earl says: No.
Rickroll says: because ive always wanted this one mount but the drop rate is insane. could you like hack the game and add it to my collection?
Earl says: No.
Rickroll says: asshole im reporting you
Player Rickroll Blocked.
The turd messaged me privately with his request. I need to keep to myself and avoid talking in chat until this blows over. I try to make a discreet exit out of the city, stopping dead when new system messages roll in.
Esquire, Blade of the King removed from inventory.
Mirood, Shield of the Mage-Killer removed from inventory.
Helm of the Vanquished Hero removed from inventory.
Shoulders of the Vanquished Hero removed from inventory.
Breastplate of the Vanquished Hero removed from inventory.
Leggings of the Vanquished Hero removed from inventory.
Boots of the Forgotten Path removed from inventory.
Necklace of Broken Hearts removed from inventory.
Knight’s Lost Ring removed from inventory.
Impenetrable Cloak removed from inventory.
99 Ultimate Health Potions removed from inventory.
99 Well-Done Steaks removed from inventory.
You receive 795 gold, 98 silver.
What the actual fuck?
Thunderspank says: Hey everybody I’m back!
Yoodleheyhewho says: Thunderspank! Where’d you go?
Thunderspank says: my account go hacked! they sold all of my stuff and changed my password!
Kickinthepants says: did earl do it?
Thunderspank says: whos that?
Kickinthepants says: this guy that’s been running around in max level gear at level 42. was it your armor?
Thunderspank says: well shit couldve been.
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The original owner of the armor has returned, and his equipment went back to his inventory. I fall to my knees, completely naked in the middle of the street. For the next several hours, I block player after player, messaging me harassment, and finding me in the city to do rude emotes nearby. I try to run and hide, but the crowd follows me wherever I go.
Funkymonkey says: Hey get back here hacker!
Player Funkymonkey blocked.
I think of running to the nearest dungeon, the Elf Fortress, leading the crowd of players on a chase outside of the city. Thunderspank, the huge minotaur, rides a bird seemingly made of dark clouds, shooting sparks of electricity as it glides along the ground. He was among the first players I muted, so I can only guess the profanities he’s hurling at me as his lips move wordlessly. Several Human players try to egg me on to attack them, running ahead of me and darting from left to right.
Nearly there, I start to get attacked by red-named mobs that are hostile on approach. Elves pepper me with arrows, biting into flesh and knocking off small bits of health, now that I'm unarmored. Thankfully I’m more than double their level, and they can’t kill me before their programming makes them give up and turn back. After half an hour of taunting from an army of angry players, I make it to the dungeon entrance. I sigh in relief after the exaggerated elf loading screen leaves my vision. I sit on the dungeon floor, cold moss gently caressing my buttoks.
“What the fuck am I supposed to do now?” I cry, looking at the empty slots on my character where armor should be. I sold everything I ever had, including the pants I was born with. The only thing left is ore, rocks, and crystals that I can’t fashion into armor without a forge and anvil.
Elves stand in the distance, unbothered by my presence. The effect this situation has on me bubbles over from sadness to rage, I stand, and charge the elves.
At first I just throw punches. The trio of elves land sword blows and arrows into my herculean flesh, I either survive the blow or dodge it entirely. Being one hundred eighty eight percent stronger than I was at level one makes my health pool enormous compared to theirs, my agility makes me faster and more able to dodge, and my intellect makes seeing what’s coming that much easier. I pulverize the first elf in a few moments, even my unarmed strikes dealing lethal damage eventually. The second and the third elf fall the same way.
I remember the first time I was here, unable to keep up with my group, and letting Esquire do all of the work for me. A pang of loss hits me, I’ll probably never talk to Esquire again. He was annoyingly proper, like a fancy butler, but he was my constant companion since my early days of adventure. The early days being Wednesday this week. God, it really has only been two days, hasn't it? As I stand there, blood dripping from my fists, a pack of elves patrolling the fortress spot me, and start raining spells and arrows down on me.
The first group didn’t have anything to loot besides silver and copper coins, I’m relieved I don’t have to find a storage solution using my body. The second group has an embarrassingly bad short sword, and an elegant looking but nearly useless helmet.
Gormer Elf Shortsword - Common One-handed Sword - Minimum Slash Damage
Gormer Elf Helm - Common Helm - Minimum Armor
I equip both. My ability to deal damage dramatically increases, and my ability to look like a lunatic wearing only a helmet increases even more dramatically. I move on to the next group, and soon find myself in front of the treant boss, with barely more than a knife to carve my name into his leg. Earl <3 Trinne 4ever.
Compared to the instant execution I used to perform on this boss, killing him takes excruciatingly long. It doesn't even have any spells or fun abilities to mix things up. We just wail on each other until one of us falls over.
You loot Branch of Ashplinter
Branch of Ashplinter - Rare Two-handed Staff - Requires level 15 - Minimum Intellect - Minimum Blunt Damage
I chuckle, looking at the staff. This pathetic stick is such a downgrade from what I had, yet such an improvement over what I have now. I equip it, admiring the heft in my hands. I move along, using my new staff to give elves concussions and internal bleeding on par with American football. American Football? Where did that come from? Totally meaningless thought. I arrive at the final boss, still wearing my birthday suit, plus helmet. I feel even more naked this way, like wearing only socks to bed. Before I get into aggro range, I start testing my abilities one by one.
Recall Weapon - No cooldown - Command your weapon to return to your hand. Any enemies between you take damage, increasing with the distance your weapon has travelled.
Summon Weapon - Short cooldown - Conjure your weapon into your hand.
Telekinetic Taunt - Short cooldown -Short duration - Antagonize your target. It temporarily prioritizes attacking you regardless of threat generated by damage from other sources.
- 2nd tier: Optionally Project your taunt through your weapon.
- 3rd tier: Optionally taunt all nearby enemies within melee range. - Medium cooldown
Intervention - Medium cooldown - Command your weapon to intercept a melee attack made against an ally.
- 2nd tier: optionally intercept a spell or ranged attack.
- 3rd tier: optionally deflect an attack - Long cooldown
Distribute - Long cooldown - Very short duration - Half of damage dealt to you is redirected to your weapon for a short time.
- 2nd tier: increased duration
- 3rd tier: increased damage reduction to all damage
Tornado Edge - Long cooldown - Short duration - Command your weapon to spin in a stationary location. it damages all enemies within melee range for a short time.
- Tier 2: Optionally move after placed
- Tier 3: Optionally cast again for each weapon - No cooldown
Illusory Clone - Short cooldown - Short duration - Your weapon is wielded by a copy of yourself. Non-boss enemies can target the clone.
- 2nd tier: Boss enemies can target the clone.
- 3nd tier: Optionally create a clone for each weapon.
Sword Dance - Nearby allies deal 10% more damage.
- 2nd tier: increased range
- 3rd tier: increased range
Exchange - Trade places with your weapon.
Thunder God - Long cooldown - Short duration - Channel Electric damage through your body, temporarily Gain the spells Lightning Bolt, Lightning Strike, and Thunder Clap. Your weapon deals additional electric damage.
- Lightning Bolt - shoot electricity from your palm
- Lighting Strike - call lighting down on your target
- Thunder Clap - strike the ground, causing Lightning Stikes on all enemies within melee range.
Circular Saw - Medium cooldown - Short duration - Command your weapons to spin at your side, protecting you from attacks and spells. Command them to attack your target with springing movement, or hold in place. Your weapons deal additional bleeding damage.
Any spell with the word “Command” in the description does not work. My best guess is they require a sentient weapon. That leaves me with seven of eleven abilities. Of the remaining abilities, four more do not work. Three abilities remain usable. Telekinetic Taunt, Sword Dance, and Thunder God. Telekinetic Taunt won’t help me much in solo endeavors. Sword dance is a net gain, but doesn't feel like it’s worth celebrating. Thunder God, however, gives me a sliver of hope. That one ability gives me access to three more, and maybe my stick will inflict electric damage.
With a running start, I activate Thunder God, immediately using Lighting Bolt to zap the final boss. She doesn’t drop to half health, but she’s damned close. I give her a few bonks on the noggin before I have to duck behind cover while she casts her bullshit insta-death area spell. Once she’s done, I run out and hit her with the one-two punch of Lighting Strike and Thunder Clap, basically just hitting her with Lighting Strike twice. One more round of hiding, and I finally deal the killing blow.
You loot Elf Goddess Breeches.
Elf Goddess Breeches - Rare pants - Minimum Agility - Minimum Armor
“Thank god” I say aloud, equipping the pants. I frown as I see them on me. A single leaf covers the important parts, a winding of vines wrap around my thighs. Somehow, this is worse.