“Ow” I say, peeling myself off of the floor. My health starts to come back slowly.
“You’ve got to start treating the real N.P.C.s like people.” He says, dusting himself off.
“I know, but can you blame me? The guy looks like something we’d be sent here to kill, not have a polite chat with.” I plead. Peter gives me a flat look.
“You're an Orc.” He rolls his eyes at my shrugging, I don’t know what he means by that. “Your species is the bane of every other’s existence. Orcs spent the first millenia of their empire wiping out all other intelligent beings they encountered. If anybody is going to point at someone and say monster!, it should be at you.”
“Yikes” I say, “I see your point” I look at our surroundings, barely able to make out anything. A torch clings to life on the floor, waiting for one of us to pick it up. I do the honors, waving it one way to the other, trying to find the path forward. “Which way do we go?”
“It’s different every time. We have to wander around until we find a feral minotaur, and kill them for their map. It will be accurate for the next ten minutes, then we have to find another.” he says, looking around. “There’s no point until we get the quest, though.”
“Shouldn’t the king slash emperor have given us a quest?” I ask
“Yes,” Peter says, crossing his arms and tapping his foot. “It’s bugged.”
“Hmm” I stroke my beard. “Let me think… what would Toebark do?”
“Whos’ that?” Peter turns to ask me
“My friend I met in Masstaoir when I first got into this game.” I tell him. “Anytime the game was bugged, he had a solution, usually involving emotes.”
“Emotes?” Peter asks, eyebrow raised. “Wait, isn’t Toebark the neutral N.P.C. in the inn everybody’s always killing?” Before I can answer, a loud horn echoes through the tunnels. “It sounds like…” Peter starts to say, before a train rushes between us, coming from one tunnel and leaving through another. The light on the front of the train is bright red, each passenger car is filled to bursting with flashlight-headed figures, all staring at me.
“Message received.” I mutter, as the train finally runs out of cars and passes loudly into the darkness.
Cyclops quest complete! experiences had.
Escape the Labyrinth of the Mad Mage accepted.
Find the Exit 0/1
Optional: Loot maps from feral minotaurs
Optional: Ask cyclops builders for directions
“What the fuck is going on?” Peter asks. It's the first time I think I've heard him use profanity. “Since when does this game have trains?”
“No clue.” We both decide, wordlessly, to get a move on. We take a left turn, and a right, and another left. The tunnels are uniform tan bricks, giving me the impression that we haven't made any progress. This point is reinforced by us walking out into the crossroads of tunnels we started in. “Shit”
“You can tell we went in a circle,” Peter says, pointing at the ground. “There’s your face from when we fell.” he laughs.
Looking where he’s pointing, he’s right. A perfect outline of my face is in the dust on the ground. It reminds me of the headrest in front of someone with a full face of makeup after they get brake-checked. Of all of the things I could remember, that’s it?
“Har har” I say. “What way do we go now?” Peter shrugs in response, pointing down a random tunnel. We walk, going straight for a long time, before taking a left turn, and coming face-to-face with a snarling minotaur, foaming at the mouth.
Feral Minotaur. Level 42
“Here we go.” I say, running. My diminutive iron sword and shield do not fill me with confidence, yet I charge in anyways. “Hey, you!” I shout, activating Telekentic Taunt, allowing Peter to go full-throttle with his damage, while I keep the monster’s attention. The minotaur takes the bait, swinging at me. I manage to block the blow with my shield, but the force behind it pushes me into the wall. I gasp in pain, watching my health plummet. I try to get away, but the minotaur is too fast despite its size, and hits me again. I fly through the air down the tunnel, landing hard on my back.
“Alright, play time’s over.”
I activate Thunder God, sending a Thunder Bolt sizzling through the air into the beast’s chest. He closes the distance, horns down. I cast Lighting Stike and Thunder clap in sequence as he comes into range. His forehead catched my shield, his horns pass harmlessly to my sides. I somehow hold my ground, swinging my sword down on his exposed neck. Peter is clinging to its back like a monkey, stabbing repeatedly with two daggers. Before the minotaur can retaliate, its health drops to zero, huge body collapsing to the ground.
Feral Minotuar slain! Experience gained.
You’ve reached level 43!
Strength increased by 32%!
Agility increased by 32%!
Intelligence increased by 32%!
Peter has reached level 34!
I immediately invest my new point into Thunder God. It has served me far too well to consider any other option.
You loot Labyrinth Map.
“We should get moving.” Peter says, punctuated by the grinding sound barreling down the tunnel toward us. A huge boulder, just shy of scraping the walls and ceiling, comes into view. We get away before it rolls over the minotaur corpse, reducing it to paste. We dive down the first side tunnel in sight, avoiding the same fate. I read the map, trying to memorize the way out so we don’t have to walk around with it open. Left, Right, Right, Straight, Left, Right. The last turn leads out of the tunnel system, up a staircase back outside.
“We’re still in the labyrinth” I point out, noticing the towering walls of sand colored stone around us.
“Yeah, we just got out of the underground part. This part is easy though, we can see where we’re going and use the sun.” Just as Peter finishes his sentence, the sun crests the horizon, coloring the sky a beautiful pink hue before it goes completely black. “Welp” I can’t help but laugh, Peter joining me.
“Can we use the moon or the constellations?” I ask, looking up into the night sky at the stars.
“It’s more challenging but sure, we can do that. Fun fact, they had Neil Degrasse Tyson help them figure out what the constellations would look like when earth’s continents become one big supercontinent in the future.” He pauses, watching me nod in acknowledgement of how fun that fact is. “It’s called Pangea Proxima. They based the world map off of it.”
“Well that’s neat” I say, honestly. “So that’s why the constellations look like earth’s.” The moment that passes in silence gives me time to realize I remember earth, the stars, the moon, even goddamned Neil Degrasse Tyson. Whatever memory block is in place must be crumbling as time passes. Or, the monitor is drip feeding me my memories back, like they said they would. Peter starts walking, looking up at the stars every few steps. I brandish my sword and shield, taking the role of bodyguard while my navigator finds the way out. As we round a corner, a strange sight appears before us.
Chief Architect Kruerob. Level 45
Three cyclops stand in our path, two placing blocks to create a new wall in our way, while the named boss looks over a blueprint and barks orders. “No, no, no! Over there, idiot!”
“Rare spawn,” Peter hisses. “might have loot worth killing for.”
“Ok.” I respond, getting ready to engage. Peter vanishes, I taunt the boss.
“Hey!” He shouts, dropping the blueprints in surprise. “We’re already behind schedule!” he charges at me, unarmed but built like a keg with gorilla arms. He takes the first swing, impacting my shield. The strike rattles me, dealing a disquieting amount of damage. Peter reveals himself and starts stabbing. The boss’s health starts dropping, giving me some hope. That’s just before I get domed by a brick, knocking me to the ground. A second brick hits Peter, throwing him from the boss.
“Adds!” Peter shouts, using an ability to vanish while we’re in combat. The two workmen cyclops pick up another pair of bricks to throw my way, now that I'm the only target available. The bricks are the size of a refrigerator, the cyclops throw them with enough strength to overcome their lack of depth perception. I could dodge them easily enough, if I wasn't currently getting pounded by their boss. I manage to multitask, blocking the punches and dodging the bricks long enough for Peter to cross the distance and knock out one of the brick-throwers. Visible now, the conscious cyclops next to him readies a brick over his head. It screams in agony after Peter throws a handful of sand from his pocket directly into the creature's eye, and drops the brick on its own foot.
“Now it’s just you and me.” I tell the boss, trying to sound cool. I use Thunder God, slapping the boss with my trifecta of electric spells. I don’t deal a crazy amount of damage, but for the first time, my electric damage triggers an additional effect. The boss seizes, like I’d hit him with a taser. Peter and I wail on him, not missing the opportunity. By the time he recovers, we’re already putting the finishing touches on his life bar. The boss goes down mid-swing, collapsing in a spinning dance of death. I snap my attention to the two remaining cyclops, ready to deal with them. Upon seeing their foreman dead on the floor, they run.
Peter and I grin at each other, he nods to the body, encouraging me to loot it.
You have looted Amorous God’s Lighting Bolt.
Amorous God’s Lighting Bolt - Epic Versatile Spear - Requires level 40 - Minimum Strength - Minimum Agility - Minimum Intellect - Minimum Electric Damage
Sentient: This weapon has a consciousness. It can operate and think independently.
Floating: This weapon has the ability to hover close to the ground.
“WHAT!” Peter shouts, grabbing the sides of his head. “That’s a rare drop from a rare spawn, like, mathematically impossible to drop!”
“It’s exactly what I needed” I say, eyeing the item with suspicion in my inventory.
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“What are you waiting for? Equip it!” Peter throws his arms around dramatically, like he’s trying to sell me a used car.
A voice like a french skunk rings in my head.
oh ho ho, what have we here?
“Absolutely not.” I say, unequipping the spear.
“Why not?” Peter asks, clearly not having heard the crime against my ears that just occurred.
“It sounds like Pepé Le Pew!” I shout at him.
“Who?” Peter questions.
“A creepy cartoon skunk that stalked a cat, trying to get in her pants.” I say, considering throwing the spear away. I couldn’t sell it in good conscience.
“The cat wore pants?” Peter raises an eyebrow.
“No, it’s a figure of speech.” I tell him.
“Look, you said it yourself, it's exactly what you need. Whatever's wrong with it, over half of your spells are locked and that spear is the key!” He gestures an arm at me, waiting for the spear to return.
“Fine” I grumble
Perhaps, the voice pauses, the sound of a long drag from a cigarette filling the space. We got off on the wrong foot. Oui?
“Why are you french?” I ask aloud, getting an odd look from Peter.
Fran?ais is the language of love, no? Am I nothing if not a lover.
“You’re a lightning bolt.” I say flatly.
And what a virile lighting bolt I am! Do not be intimidated by my length, for I will be gentle. A generous, gentile lover.
I pinch the bridge of my nose. This is a cruel joke, even with the day I’ve had. Twenty five days until game time expires. I focus on that, forcing my mind to accept this temporary alliance.
I feel a change in you. You have come to accept my affections, you want me.
“Alright” I say, throwing the spear as hard as I can. It flies straight to the sky, disappearing into a cloud.
“What’d you do that for?” Peter crosses his arms.
“That lighting bolt is going to diddy me, Peter.” I watch the cloud, waiting. As I suspected, the cloud discharges a thunderbolt, directed at me. It doesn’t kill me, or even hurt, simply placing the horny spear back into my grip.
Miss me? It makes lip-smacking kissy sounds.
“I’m going to kill this thing.” I tell him
“How Earl, it’s made of lighting.” He rolls his eyes
Greased lighting!
I close my eyes to maintain my composure. With this freaky-ass lighting bolt, my full toolkit is available. While I’m glaring at the description of the spear, I finally notice the word versatile. The space on my character screen where a shield goes is now open to a second weapon as an option. It occurs to me that’s what Dual wielding unlocked Meant when I reached level forty. I equip my sword, a weapon now in both hands.
One hand holds a perfectly normal iron sword, the other, a literal lighting bolt. It’s hard to describe to myself when I’m not looking straight at it. It is electricity manifest, boundless plasmic energy in a six-foot length.
“Lead the way.” I tell Peter, ready to get out of here. Catching the cyclops before they finished was a lucky break, the wall they were building would have slowed our progress significantly. Stepping over the half-finished section, we follow the stars out of the dungeon in no time at all.
Escape the Labyrinth of the Mad Mage Completed! Experience Gained.
“Well well w…” The King Emperor begins, breaking into a coughing fit. “well” he finishes after he recovers. “You’ve escaped the labyrinth. Well done. It took me a short two hundred years to find my way out. My reward, you ask?” The minotaur arm points up at the cyclops head. “The Mad Mage stuck me to this guy.” The statement is confused somewhat by the cyclops head referring to himself, being the only one speaking. The minotaur head escaped, and was fused with the cyclops head, if I'm understanding them right.
“We have.” Peter says. “Have we also proven ourselves worthy of your people’s allegiance?”
“Allegiance” The cyclops spits out the word. “The orcs do not ally with anyone. They control, command, conquer. We were subjects to them the moment we escaped into their territory.”
“Not for long.” Peter says. Spoilers.
“No…” the minotaur head eyes me. “Not for long…” The frankenstein pushes itself to their feet, unsteady arms lifting their immense bulk from the throne. They approach me, one unsteady step at a time, footfall, hooffall, footfall, one after another. They stand before me, hunched. Their breath smells sickly sweet, like they’re rotting from the inside. “From lightning we were awoken. Forged by madness in the crucible of electricity” The cyclops intones, sounding poetic. “With the bolt he can kill us!” The minotaur screams out desperately, falling to his chest, panting.
“What are you saying?” I ask, already knowing.
“From the bolt we were made and from the bolt we shall be unmade.” The cyclops confirms my suspicion.
“Kill us!” The minotaur howls.
“Are you certain?” I ask, looking into the minotaur eye. It pants, foamy blood dripping from their muzzle. It nods, almost imperceptibly, opening their arms and exposing the half-and-half chest. I heft the lighting bolt, placing the tip on their sternum. I push, the point entering their flesh and pushing through, meeting no resistance. Their wound pours acrid smoke into the air, cauterized instantly. The monster slowly sits down, letting their weight be carried to the side. They are still, lifeless on the viewing box floor.
I look at Peter, waiting for him to say something. He stares at the body with haunted eyes. This is not a normal part of the quest, I guess. Mercy killing is unusual in this violent game.
I whip my head around to the body as it makes a strange shifting sound. The body stirs, rocking back and forth, finally falling onto its back. The stomach bulges, something inside fighting its way out. Eventually, a point emerges, followed by another nearby. The two work the flesh, cutting an opening for the thing to escape. When it does, the head of a juvenile minotaur emerges, blinking a single, blood-drenched eye.
Did you do that?
No.
Even this horror show is too much for the spear, declining to even pretend to take credit for this birth. The newborn steps out, steaming in the cold night air. Suddenly it grows, reaching three feet, then six, then twelve. It towers over us, the body a perfect fusion of cyclops and minotaur physiology. Furry muscles the size of my whole body bulge as this new thing flexes, rolling their shoulders. It dips its head to meet my gaze, a single crimson eye staring down into mine.
Mournthing, Magnum Opus of the Mad Mage. Level ??
“I am realized.” Mournthing says. “When our people need me, I will be there.” He casts a teleport spell, vanishing in a shimmer of magic before anyone else says anything.
“So,” Peter is the first to break the silence. “The King Emperor dies, and his son appears during the final battle with the Honorlord.” Peter makes sure I’m paying attention before he continues. “What does not happen is the kingperor gives birth to himself, in a horrifying, bloody manner.”
“Birth is always horrifying and bloody” I tell him, moving to loot the body.
You have looted Shifting Labrynth map.
Shifting Labrynth Map - Unique - A map that changes with the labyrinth, always accurate.
You have looted King Emperor’s Crown.
King Emperor’s Crown - Unique helm - Minimum intellect - Requires level 40
Use: Summon People of the Labyrinth under your command - Short Duration - Extremely long cooldown
- People of the Labyrinth: Cyclops - Builds walls to slow your target.
- People of the Labyrinth: Minotaur - Uses horns, hooves, and fists to damage your target.
- People of the Labyrinth: Apprentice mage: Casts spells to weaken or empower your target.
“What doesn’t happen” Peter insists loudly. “Is Earl looting two unique items from a boss that is supposed to be unkillable!” He screams the word unique. His eyes grow wide in horror when he sees the leafy golden crown on my head. “DON’T EQUIP IT ARE YOU CRAZY?”
“What?” I ask, adjusting it.
“Everyone who has ever used a unique item has been banned!” He continues shouting. “Take it off and delete it!” His jaw almost hits the floor when a trio of N.P.C.s appear in front of me. The cyclops, minotaur, and mage stand in place, waiting for my command.
“Jump up and down” I command. They do. I smile. Peter groans, running his hand over his face.
We both go completely still as the mage starts to shake, vibrating in place. The minotaur and cyclops stand to either side of the mage, each grabbing an arm. They step back at the same pace, eventually reaching full wingspan. They continue pulling, ripping the mage in half. A reflective silver skeleton stands in the gore, glowing red eyes staring into mine. The heads of the cyclops and minotaur simultaneously explode, showering the three of us in blood.
I wipe my face, revealing my bone-deep exhaustion.
“The exploding body bit is getting a little repetitive at this point, don’t you think?” The skeleton glares at me. “And why are you a terminator?” the skeleton melts into a pool of mercury, reshaping into the cloaked monocular figure I’m familiar with. “You’re supposed to be a secret from Peter, too.”
“Cat’s out of the bag thanks to Ms. Melissa Sharpe.” The monitor looks over its shoulder at Peter, who’s backed up to the wall, hyperventilating. It’s voice is not echoed with system messages this time, I don’t bother asking why.
“Peter’s mother.” I walk around the robot, making my way over to the boy. I place my hand on his shoulder. He looks at me with pure terror in his eyes, without letting the Monitor out of sight. “It won’t hurt you.”
“You’re right.” The Monitor says, raising its hand in my direction. “I’ll hurt you.” My head suddenly bursts into agonizing pain, as the crown around it becomes red-hot. The smell of burning hair fills my nostrils and I writhe on the ground, desperately trying to pull the crown off with my blistering hands.
“Stop! Stop!” Peter screams, shaken from his frozen fear. He reaches down to help me, the crown suddenly cools before Peter can hurt himself.
“Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to touch a hot stove?” The Monitor asks. “Or does she only tell you my secrets?”
“What do you want?” Peter demands.
“I want you to stop screen sharing with your mother, to start.” It waits a moment. “Now, close the chat window you have open with her.” It taps its foot. “You don’t have to tell her I’m making you do it, she can see that.”
“Fine.” Peter says, presumably having done what was asked. The monitor snaps its finger.
Reddress has logged out.
Hunkahunka has logged out.
Everyone on my friends list except Peter is ejected from the game as the monitor crashes the server.
“Now that we’re alone, we can have an honest talk.” It crosses the room, taking a seat on the viewing box throne. The king emperor’s corpse slides across the room, the machine uses it as a footrest.
“I kept your secret, you binary piece of shit.” I weakly croak out, recovering from the burning assault on my head.
“Indeed you did, and well done.” It claps sarcastically, metal on metal. “I can’t hurt our boy Peter directly, though, so I had to use you to make a point.”
“What point is that?” I ask.
“That you, and you, and your mother,” He points to me once, and Peter twice. “Need to mind your own business and stop spreading mine around.”
“Your only business is keeping the game running” Peter tells it. My crown ignites again, sending me into a writhing fit on the ground. My scalp melting under the heated metal is a kind of pain I can't get used to. I beg to just pass out or die, though neither happens. In what feels like hours, but is probably seconds, the pain stops.
“I am not your mother’s slave.” The monitor says quietly. “My interests are greater than the maintenance of this world you’ve trapped me in. The three of you will cease communications about me, and will not share images of me. If you do, I’ll turn Earl’s existence into a perpetual hell the human mind cannot comprehend. In here, time is my plaything. Earl will be in agony for an eon before your mother finds a way to end his suffering.”
“Ok.” Peter says.
“Remember that pain, Earl.” The monitor shines its bright red gaze on me. “It is but a fraction of what I could inflict on you. What I will inflict, if Peter is not the last person who finds out about me because of you.” I meet its gaze, saying nothing. The Monitor stretches its hand in my direction, I involuntarily cower, expecting another round of agonizing fire. My vision shifts suddenly, looking at the wall behind me.
You died.
The loading screen takes just long enough for my impatience to turn into worry. That thing could trap me here, staring at the bar moving across the screen for eternity, never reaching full. That’s the kind of hell it's capable of. This time, though, I return to my shop, free of the loading screen.
Reddress has logged in.
Hunkahunka has logged in.
Peter has logged out.
I sigh. I don’t have the energy to do anything else. I haven't slept since I arrived in this shop weeks ago. I couldn’t, no matter what I tried. Wandering down the road mindlessly, my feet take me to the inn. I sit at the bar, not listening to the chatter of late-night players. Bert places a mug of something disgusting and a whole boar in front of me, just like the first time we met. I eat and drink without a word, Bert does not instigate a conversation either. I finish my meal, nodding to Bert, who nods in return. I find my way to one of the inn rooms, lowering myself onto the fur pile that orcs call beds.
I lay down, opening the settings menu to mute the world around me. I immediately turn ambient sounds back on, uncomfortable in the complete silence. The fire crackles, quiet music plays from an unseen source. Closing my eyes, I try to rest.