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  10/3/35 3:36 AM

  “Alright Spankies, it’s go time. We've been following the hacker who stole my shit last week using our most talented rogues. He’s been pretending to quest like a normal player with his companion, some no-name rogue. But we don’t care about him, we only care about Earl, and bringing him to justice!” Thunderspank pauses, watching the player’s screen who’s hiding closest to Earl in-game. His face is jammed into the corner of the screen, unkempt black beard and hair circling his gaunt features.

  “If he’s following the story quests, the next place he’ll go is the Ganalam Highlands. The perfect place to ambush him. All spankies currently tuned in should make their way there, and stay out of sight in the trees along the road until I give the signal.” The screen switches to display Thunderspank’s view in-game, his Minotuar astride his thunderhawk mount. He’s already in position, waiting.

  You’ve crafted steel boots.

  Blacksmithing increased to 60

  Four thousand freaking gold later I have a full set of steel armor and a shield, not including the shoulders and helmet. What I have on is better, as far as I understand, by virtue of the level requirement and rarity. I don’t want to spend the gold to craft the pieces just to find out they’re worse. I wonder why the game designers, or the Monitor, decided to make the equipment this way. What’s wrong with giving a percentile, like when we level up?

  Paragon Earl says: Hey, Helga.

  Paragon Helga says: What’s up hot stuff

  Paragon Earl says: Why does armor say “Minimum Strength” instead of giving a percentile, like when we level up?

  Paragon Helga says: because your average player isn't paying that close attention to their stats or damage output, so why do the hard work of nailing down precise numbers?

  Paragon Earl says: I guess doing it for the few players who care isn’t worth the Monitor’s time.

  I name drop the robot, breaking into a cold sweat. They said not even it could see the chat between Paragons, now I’ll find out one way or the other.

  Paragon Helga says: The Monitor? The monitors are a whole team of people, and they don’t make changes to the game. The developers do. Who told you that?

  Paragon Earl says: I must have gotten them mixed up.

  Nothing bad happens. I don’t know if this proves that it can’t see this chat, or even if Helga really doesn’t know. Peter and I can’t be the only players who do, right? I’m too nervous to push further, so I cut off the conversation there.

  Paragon Earl says: Thank you.

  Paragon Helga says: Anything for you, Earl.

  I also don’t know if she’s being forward or if she’s just naturally flirty. She seemed pretty easy going with her fellow Paragons, so it could just be her personality. I turned down the Honorlord’s eldest daughter outright, because I’m still married. Although, after what Peter told me about my wife moving on to Frankie, I’m not so sure about that anymore. Can I move on? Would Trinee be mad, if she knew I was still alive? Would she want me back?

  Paragon Helga says: Hey, before you go.

  Paragon Earl says: Yes?

  Paragon Helga says: Watch your back when you get back to questing.

  Paragon Earl says: For what? Something specific?

  Paragon Helga says: Just keep an eye out, alright?

  Paragon Earl says: Ok, will do. Thanks.

  I wonder what that’s about. I need to be more vigilant without Peter watching my back anyways. I make my way over to the Honorlord’s palace after hours of blacksmithing, buying stuff from the auction house, shitting my pants over the prices, more blacksmithing, over and over. I don’t have a calculator to do the math for the materials I need, so I just go one by one crafting equipment.

  “We meet again, sword orc.”

  Lagakh, First Daughter of Honorlord Mergigoth Dragonslayer. Level ??

  “Well met, princess.” I say, vaguely remembering calling her by that title got some kind of reaction last time she was working the night shift. Her face twitches in anger, but a predatory smile forms.

  “Next time we saw each other I said I’d teach you a lesson for calling me that.” she says, drawing her axe. Maybe I wildly misinterpreted her meaning.

  “How can I make it up to you?” I ask, placing my hands on my hips and trying to flex without looking like I’m trying. Please don’t kill me. She raises an eyebrow, leaning her axe against the throne.

  “I can think of a few ways.” She says, lowering her eyes. Hold on, now things are moving too fast. I’m not ready for this! I still haven't worked out my feelings about Trinee’s theoretical feelings about this! And Lagakh is an A.I., right? Is that even possible? Legal? In the time I spend frozen on the spot, mind racing, she makes her way down and takes my hand, leading me away.

  It’s finally happening! Truly, I dared not get my hopes up! If there is a chair nearby, say, in the corner of the room, would you please-

  As I unequip my armor and weapons, Bolt falls silent.

  MANHUNT! Crossroads Online saturday night stream. Rewards Unlocked!

  10/3/35 7:30 AM

  “He’s doing what?” Thunderspank says, responding to a report from one of his spies. He switches to their point of view, jaw dropping as he sees what they’re seeing. “He’s fucking the Honorlord’s Daughter!” He leans close to his screen to get a better look, visibly salivating. “Woah…” he says under his breath. He suddenly cuts off the stream, We’ll be right back! replacing the feed.

  “Can I ask a question?” I wonder aloud, laying half-covered by furs with her on the bed. One of the beams holding it together snapped, so it’s leaning towards the foot on my side. It surprised me to see a normal looking bed in her chambers, now this novelty will have to be replaced.

  If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

  “Anything” she says, hand on my chest and head on my shoulder.

  “What is your duty, other than manning the throne in the evening?” I inquire, feeling as though I may have just made love to Hitler’s evil daughter.

  “I lead the assault into the dragon territories” She tells me.

  “Oh.” I say. Uh oh. This might complicate things in the near future. “I should probably get going.”

  “You should stay.” she tells me, disappearing under the covers. The fear of tusks crosses my mind, but my worries are assuaged. I lie there, relaxed and happy for the first time since I ended up in this game, as Helga walks through the door.

  “Uh.” I say. Lagakh pokes her head out to see why.

  “Paragon Helga.” she says, smiling. “Please, join us”

  MANHUNT! Crossroads Online saturday night stream. Rewards Unlocked!

  10/3/35 7:42 AM

  “Ok I’m back.” Thunderspank says, visibly sweaty. “Wher…” he begins asking, Lagakh’s chambers coming into view. His eyes dart left and right several times, taking it in. “Helga?”

  Laying in the middle of the bed, a muscular orc woman under each arm, I stare up at the wood ceiling. “How did I get here?” I ask aloud.

  “It’s a quiet confidence,” Helga says, drawing circles on my chest. “You meet my eyes, and speak without judgement.”

  “Do people judge you?” I ask her.

  “I have been a known internet personality for a lot longer than I’ve been the Berserker Paragon. A lot of players will tell you I slept to the top, which doesn’t make a lot of sense. I’m constantly working to keep my position.” she sighs.

  “He called me Princess the first time we met.” Lagakh says. Helga sits up to look at me.

  “You did?” She asks

  “I didn’t mean it in a demeaning way. She’s the Honorlord’s daughter, right?” I defend myself.

  “Maybe I want it to be in a demeaning way.” Lagakh says without looking up. I blush, Helga laughs at me.

  “I ought to get going to the dragon lands.” I say, moving to get up.

  “You can ride with my Honorguard.” Lagakh tells me, getting up herself. I take a long look at her bare back, remembering that I’m supposed to kill her some time in the next eighteen levels.

  Paragon Earl says: Don’t we kill her later in the story?

  Paragon Helga says: Nope. She's one of the good ones.

  Both relieved and overwhelmed, I foresee a long and complicated future involving these two women, A.I. and Player.

  Paragon Earl says: Is it ok for players to… do stuff with the A.I.?

  Paragon Helga says: It’s pretty common, I mean, I do all the time. People judge me for everything I do, so why bother trying to avoid it?

  Paragon Earl says: I’m sorry.

  Paragon Helga says: It’s not your fault, and hey, you’ll find out pretty soon what people think about it.

  Paragon Earl says: Why do you say that?

  Paragon Helga says: About thirty thousand people just watched you get tag-teamed by a couple of orc muscle mommies on live stream.

  Alongside Lagakh, and Helga, I arrive in the dragon territories with the honorguard. Our ride was mostly filled with girl-talk between the two orc women. It’s uncanny how real Lagakh seems, both in her speech and her… ahem… actions. I chose to ride in silence with them, appreciating the peace of their protection.

  Ganalam Highlands Discovered! Experience gained.

  As expected after Helga explained the situation to me, hundreds of players jump out of the bushes as soon as we cross the border. The Honorguard draw spears and get into formation around the daughter, who sighs loudly. Helga and I stand in the middle of the road, unbothered, as Thunderspank finally reveals himself, clearly shaking with rage.

  “First, you steal my armor.” He says, staring more than just daggers at me. “Then you jump into bed with the Honorlord’s daughter and my ex.” I turn to Helga, eyebrow raised.

  “I didn’t have much self confidence when we first met. He’s a big part of the reason people believe I didn’t become a Paragon by myself.” Helga shrugs.

  “You didn’t” he tells her, earning a growl in response. “You rode my coattails all the way to the top.”

  “That’s not how it works and you know it.” Helga says without rising to the bait.

  “One of your accusations has been proven false already, Paragon.” Lagakh addresses Thunderspank. “I will not stand for repeated lies, however, if you wish to further prove Paragon Earl’s innocence, you may challenge him to a duel to the death.”

  “Glady.” He says, moving to initiate.

  “Hold on.” I say, turning to face Lagakh. “He’s way stronger than me, it’s hardly a fair fight.”

  “Paragon Helga may fight in your stead.” She tells me. I turn to Helga, who's still glaring at Thunderspank.

  “I’ll whoop him for you.” Helga tells me, dismounting her Warg. Hers is armored in crimson instead of black, like Peter’s.

  “Sure you will” Thunderspank scoffs, dismounting from his thunderbird. They approach each other, weapons drawn.

  After an unheard bell rings, they charge. Thunderspank swings Esquire, shield ready to block the incoming strike from Helga’s right-hand axe. Helga allows the sword to slice her, a smile on her face as she grunts in pain. Her left handed axe passes under his arm, catching him in the armpit. Thunderspank yelps, bleeding profusely from the blow. He raises a hoof to kick her away, sending her skidding back, but still on her feet. She roars, growing larger by half of her already impressive size.

  “I didn’t realize that was a combat ability when she used it earlier.” I lean over to tell Lagakh. She nods to me, I catch Thunderspank’s eye, and he glares hostility.

  “Potion!” Thunderspank yells, one of his lackeys tosses a glass vial through the air, it shatters against Thunderspank’s armor, causing him to grow in size as well.

  “That’s Cheating!” I shout, turning back to Lagakh again, expecting her to do something. She doesn’t move or say anything, only raising an eyebrow. Helga runs in again, swinging both axes at Thunderspank’s sword arm. He batters them away with his shield, and stabs forward, into Helga's gut. She gasps, her unprotected midsection leaking blood onto the ground. A dread-filled heartbeat passes before she raises her axes and brings them down on Thunderspank’s unprotected head. The air in his lungs is violently pushed out as he hits the dirt, almost bouncing with the impact.

  Looking at Esquire sticking out of her, Helga yanks it out, screaming, and throws it over her shoulder. The blade lands at my feet. Although tempted, I do not move to pick it up. Thunderspank slowly rises to his full height, refusing to stay down. He uses his shield as a weapon, backhanding Helga, and pushes her back one step at a time with blow after blow. Panic sets in, as I begin to dread the end result of the duel.

  “Come on” I whisper, hopefully sounding like I’m willing Helga to fight on, when in reality I’m speaking to Esquire. At first, nothing happens, the blade idle on the ground.

  A subtle jerk to the side, kicking up dirt. The rattle of metal on stone. I gesture my hand towards Thunderspank without moving my arm, avoiding attention. Esquire slides across the ground, under and between Thunderspank’s legs. The blade rises, slowly but surely, then plunges deep into Thunderspank’s back. I manage not to cheer out loud, only smirking in response. Thank you, old friend. Thunderspank howls in pain, collapsing again, this time on his hands and knees. Seeing an opportunity, Helga grasps the hilt of Esquire, eliciting a squeaking cry from Thunderspank. At first, she seems to be preparing to pull it out, Arthur-esque, before she places her other hand over the pommel and pushes down, sending the blade through his back, up to the hilt. The minotaur collapses fully, propped up slightly by the blade.

  The audience is silent. Nobody moves, shocked by this turn of events. “Anybody else?” Helga asks, raising her arms. Some players run away, while others Teleport, and some simply log out on the spot, vanishing. She laughs, placing her bare foot on Thunderspank’s back, posing in her victory. I walk over to her, placing a hand on her back.

  “Well done.” I tell her. She grabs both sides of my head and pulls me in for a deep, rough kiss. I taste blood on her tongue, though I’m too startled to care.

  “Thanks.” She says, looking down at the body. “I’ve wanted to do that for years.”

  “Well fought, Paragon Helga.” Lagakh says, riding up beside us on her terrifying warg mount. I get the distinct feeling it’s very protective of her, emitting a low growl around me. Lagakh taps her cheek, Helga steps over and stands on her tippy toes to peck her. Lagakh smiles, satisfied that I’m not hogging all of her affections.

  “I’m off to bed, lover” She says, playfully slapping my butt. “Don’t have too much fun without me.” She winks at Lagakh, logging out. I Hadn’t realized it was late morning already. Twenty three days, ten hours left until I fall into an endless void of torment or something.