He’d walked this path a hundred times. Or maybe more. Still, without the lights usually illuminating the pathway, the eerie feeling was back. Darkness stretched out before him like a hollow dark waiting abyss, calling him to its embrace. It was haunting and yet entirely familiar. The path led him to a pce he had learned to call home. The old dorms.

  The twisted familiar woods around him mirrored his life. Every turn brought out a new change and he was prepared for it. It resembled the big changes he had gone through in his life the past two months. He was free from the shackles of his abusive family. Hopefully forever. He’d picked some modeling gigs that actually paid. And to his own surprise had found a second home in the school’s theatre. It was all a little crazy if he actually thought about it. But still the craziest part was how it had all happened because of one person.

  The person he was walking behind now. Their footsteps, completely in sync, crunching dry leaves on the ground beneath their weight. Since the year was over and all the students had returned to their homes, it was only him and Haejoon in the dorms. Well, at least for tonight. Tomorrow morning would change everything. Tomorrow Haejoon would leave. The dorm, Hansol High, and Eunyung. He’d go off to college, move on to do better and bigger things, and build a new life for himself.

  Surprisingly, Eunyung didn’t feel betrayed. There was no anger in him when he thought of Haejoon moving on in his life like he did with his other friends. Neither did he feel pride surging through his veins for the other’s success. Haejoon had worked pretty hard all this time to get there. The man getting his life back on track was not a matter of if but when. And that when was starting from tomorrow.

  Instead, he felt . . . relief. He was relieved Haejoon was still here. That he’d stuck to the promise they both had made two months ago on that rooftop. And against all odds, Haejoon had kept it. Impulses were a bitch. Eunyung knew all about it. So, the fact that he’d controlled them to be walking next to Eunyung right now was a tough feat on its own. And for that he had Eunyung’s respect. Awe and affection. Envy and love. And everything in between.

  When the dorm came into view, Eunyung felt his palms cmming up in sweat. An intense feeling tingled beneath his breastbone that made it hard to breath. This was the st time they’d walk this path together as high schoolers. The st time he’d see Haejoon’s wide shoulders as he opened the dorms’ door to let them in. He just knew living here wouldn’t feel the same after this night. It was stupid, the way his heart clenched. Yet it was real.

  “It reminds me of the time when we were the only two living here. Doesn’t it?” Haejoon said, gncing back at him as they passed the kitchen. The same pce where he’d made Haejoon countless breakfasts, so damn thankful to this man to leave his new dorm room just for Eunyung’s sake.

  Eunyung nodded, but the words were stuck. “Sure does.”

  The simple trip to their shared dorm room bled into nostalgia. His chest hurt looking at the empty table where Haejoon used to solve his workbooks and drink tea. Everywhere he gnced, there were traces of them. Too many memories. Scenes from their terrible fights, study sessions, and arguments swam before his eyes. But along with them came snippets from the moments of their friendship, ughter, and protective affection.

  They went through their daily night routine together having mindless chatter. Eunyung, during the whole time, maintained a poker face and pretended this was just another night for him. As if he wasn’t feeling a steady pressure building right in his chest where his heart was.

  He wanted to say something. Anything.

  But what?

  All the while he trudged upstairs after finishing his shower, millions of thoughts pgued his mind. When he entered the room, Haejoon was sitting on his bunk. Comfortable and thoroughly rexed in his loose t-shirt and sweatpants. His hair looked damp from the shower he took earlier. Eunyung fought a weird urge to run his fingers through it just like he did on the rooftop.

  The sight of the packed suitcases by his studying desk, gave Eunyung a whipsh. He swallowed a lump and sagged against the door after clicking it shut.

  “All ready to go?” he asked, startling the other who was typing on his cell phone with a smile on. Haejoon dropped his phone in his p and cursed. It was only for a moment but Eunyung caught a glimpse of the screen. A text window. Again.

  Eunyung’s stomach churned. He sure did this a lot these days–chat with someone with a dopey smile on his face. And although it was always nice seeing Haejoon smile, it wasn’t enough to stop his stomach tightening in rigid knots whenever this happened. But the real kicker in the gut was not that. It was the answer he always gave when Eunyung asked who was he chatting with.

  “Oh. It’s just Juwan.”

  Same fucking answer.

  Same fucking anger that simmered in his veins at being lied to, so easily.

  Some days, Eunyung wondered if Haejoon even saw him as a friend. His closeness with Juwan had always made Eunyung somewhat curious. Though, it was never up to a point where he felt jealous of the bond they shared. If time was the key pyer here, then shouldn’t Haejoon be having something special with him seeing they had been living here long before Juwan came?

  “What are you doing? Are you going to stand there all night?” Haejoon’s voice pulled him back from his sad-ass thoughts

  Eunyung cringed. Was he seriously spiraling? Drowning himself in the thoughts about his crush and his best friend’s retionship? Like some lovesick rival? He wasn’t a fucking sentimentalist. Juwan was no rival. And Haejoon sure as hell wasn’t his lover. He was leaving for college. Tomorrow. Eunyung needed to let him go. Not only from his mind but his life too.

  Can you do that? Let him go?

  “Of course not,” he said, pulling the towel perched on his head in front of his flushed face. “Should I turn the lights off?”

  Before Haejoon answered “yes,” he had already flicked the switch off.

  Darkness enveloped the room, cold and heavy. The only light was the faint glow of the moon spilling through the window, casting long, ghostly shadows. His eyes adjusted fairly quickly to move around but the sight in front of him froze him mid-step. The silvery moonlight was cutting a swathe directly on the lower bunk, bathing Haejoon in a soft glow.

  Eunyung’s heart rate slowed down to a snail’s pace as he admired the sight. It was like a movie scene, and he couldn’t look away. He wasn’t sure how long he stood there before his heart kicked off again with the speed of a race car. Haejoon’s eyes were locked onto him, steady and intense.

  Heat mixed in his blood like a surging river meets a sea. It took every ounce of his inner strength to make his legs move. Haejoon’s voice stopped him again when he made his way to the top bunk. “Where are you going? Come here, chat with me for a bit.”

  He patted the mattress beside him. Haejoon was sitting cross-legged, an image of rexation and pcidness. He looked rather big within the small confines of the lower bunk. His request was soft. It left Eunyung breathless anyway. His body moved before he could process anything.

  It is only a chat. Just a chat between friends.

  Granted this was the first time Haejoon had ever asked to have a chat with him. Maybe he was feeling it too, the same mencholy that Eunyung felt in his bones.

  He plopped down on the mattress beside Haejoon, his bare feet touching the floor. “What is it?” He asked gncing a look at the other who was already looking at him. His heart thumped like he was caught doing something illegal. Eunyung quickly turned his gaze away. Instead, he stared at the vague shapes in the dark room, hoping they would distract him from how aware he was of Haejoon sitting so close.

  His response was silence.

  He didn’t mind it much.

  It was peaceful and soothing. Like most of the emotions he felt in Haejoon’s vicinity. The all-consuming rage he used to feel for every little thing in his life was gone and what was left in its wake was a search for tranquility. All he had ever wanted was some quiet and peace in his life. He wanted to have a home devoid of the sounds of arguments, bangs of utensils on the floor, smming doors, cshing voices, whips of belts, and trembling sounds of crying.

  This pce. This haunted dorm had become that home for him. Here nobody harmed him, belittled him, and forced him to leave right in the middle of the night. And the one who made it Eunyung’s home was him. The person whose gaze was pressing on his face like a tangible weight. It set his nerve endings on fire. The only reason why he wasn’t burning right now was because deep down, he didn’t want to lose this moment with Haejoon.

  Cheesy? Maybe.

  Truth? Every fucking bit.

  “Are you going to stare at me like that all night?” He said, this time meeting the gaze head on.

  Haejoon shook his head, eyes lit with amusement. “Of course, not.”

  Eunyung knew the silence this time was because Haejoon was picking his words to say something. But what he eventually said spread a feeling of sadness through his heart anyway.

  “I’m leaving tomorrow.”

  As if Eunyung didn’t think about the same fucking thing every second of his life these days.

  “I am aware.” It was a surprise how his voice didn’t waver, didn’t crack. “Saw you had packed everything already,” he said, nodding his chin towards the luggage. Even with the dark around them, the moonlight was bright enough to see each other’s faces. “Leaving early in the morning?”

  A single nod from the other made Eunyung feel as if someone was crushing his windpipe. It was hard to breathe. But still, he trudged forward, forcing his tongue to move like nothing was happening. “I’ll make you some breakfast. Eat it and then go.”

  Don’t fucking go.

  “For the st time?”

  The casual and effortless cruelty in Haejoon’s words made Eunyung’s chest tighten. How could he? How could Haejoon talk about this like he was talking about the weather? Like it was so simple. But then, maybe it was easy for him since he wasn’t invested in Eunyung as the blond was in him. For detachment to hurt, there has to be some attachment in the first pce. Judging from Haejoon’s almost amused tone, he wasn’t fucking attached and therefore, not hurt at the prospect of leaving Eunyung.

  Hurt pulsed through every inch of his body. But beneath it, rage boiled like bck fire. Who did this motherfucker think he was?

  “Why?” he bit out “Am I going die tomorrow, for this to be our st meeting?”

  “Hey, no one said anything about dying,” Haejoon said, grabbing Eunyung’s wrist to stop him from getting up. The touch singed. Hot and heavy. Even after being furious, his useless ass couldn’t gather the anger in him to remove Haejoon’s hand. He didn’t pull away. He didn’t want to.

  “I was only joking, Eunyung.” The other’s thumb traced a circle around Eunyung’s skin. Was Haejoon even aware he was doing this? The tingles that broke out all over his body from the barest of touches melted his anger like ice cream on a heated pavement.

  “What did I tell you about your jokes?”

  “Untimely, and not funny?” Haejoon’s voice was light, teasing, a tiny smile pying on his lips.

  Eunyung couldn’t help but respond with one of his own. “Damn fucking right.”

  Haejoon slid his hand from the blond’s and ran it through his dark hair, raking havoc on the still-wet strands. Eunyung wanted to reach out with his towel and dry his hair. But he feared that it’d freak the fuck out of Haejoon and a little bit of himself. The st thing he wanted tonight was for Haejoon to feel uncomfortable around him.

  It was not the first time they were sitting close like this. But something about the quiet tonight made it feel heavier. The silence of the house. The unmistakable awareness of them being the only ones in the dorm with no other soul in sight. It prickled the back of his neck in nervousness. He told himself it was of no consequence. Nothing was going to happen.

  He was sure of it.

  Just as he was sure that if life became a burden too heavy to carry, this pce and Haejoon would be at the forefront of his mind when he closed his eyes to rest forever. No. Not as a reason. But as a comforting thought. Haejoon was the most precious thing he got out of his wretched life. And this house was where he’d made some of the best memories and friendships. If he ever made it to his adult life, he’d probably reminisce about his time with the Hansol weirdos with the same fondness of a working-css pathetic adult and say, “Ah! Those were the days!”

  “Don’t give up, Eunyung. You have to hang on.” The words jerked him back to the present moment. Haejoon put a hand on Eunyung’s bouncing knee. He hadn’t even noticed he was having the jitters. When he looked up, Haejoon’s face was creased with worry and the look struck Eunyung like a match to dry leaves.

  Had Eunyung looked the same when he had said the same words to Haejoon on that terrace? Back then, for Haejoon, the words had tumbled out of his mouth so easily. But now, he understood how easy it was to preach people the value of life without feeling it yourself.

  He wanted Haejoon to live. In spite of the cruel grief he had for his mother’s death, the guilt that gnawed his insides, the crushing and quiet loneliness, and the ck of any clue which way his life was heading in. For Haejoon, every day was a reminder of the past and a warning bell for the upcoming future. Yet, even with it all, Eunyung wanted Haejoon to carry on.

  Because Haejoon had that warmth in him, even while his own life was cold and bleak, he shared it with others. Even with selfish people like Eunyung. It was only fair he stayed to experience it back. He was the kind of person who deserved to start his mornings with happiness and fell asleep to the sound of ughter. He deserved to find something to look forward to each day. He was worthy of seeing the blinding light outside this dark depressive bubble he had found himself in.

  Eunyung hadn’t ever gotten the chance to touch the warm light himself, but he knew Haejoon would love it. He was the guy who liked to see cherry blossom trees and had favorite flowers and shit. He deserved to have all the soft things life had to offer.

  What he couldn’t figure out was—did he deserve the same?

  He hated everything. What was flowers and trees, holidays and vacations, spring and fall, worth for someone who didn’t see a point in them at all? What good were cherry trees when they bloomed just the same, year after year, whether he saw them or not? All of it had been there even before he was born and would be there after he was long fucking gone.

  Unlike Haejoon, who really was the good one, the kind one, Eunyung knew he was a bitch.

  He wasn’t book smart. Wasn’t anything exceptional. Liked theatre but had mediocre skills at best. Had parents but no real family to show up for him. Lived liked a homeless ghost even though he had a home to go back to. He wasn’t a good son who cried and bawled at the mere memory of talking back to his mother. Never had been a good friend because after one point in time everyone left him. He wasn’t even a good fucking person. He made ugly, horrible mistakes that were hard to forgive. He had stolen and pick pocketed from people. And then there was his personality leaving much to be desired.

  But surprisingly, hate was not all he did. At least not all the time.

  Some days, when he tried to pretend like a philosophical genius, his life felt like he was walking on a wall. Too thin for comfort. Too long to even see the end of. His each step felt uncertain yet he put one foot after the other without disturbing his bance. There were all kinds of things that made his path difficult to walk on.

  Some days there were broken shards of gss embedded in the concrete that bled his feet when he walked on them. Other days, a raging storm would shove him several paces back making him wonder if he’d ever find his footing again. Sometimes the sky was clear and blue, the sunlight warmed him to his core, and he’d take a nap and forget about the hurt this world had put him through. While other times, a darkness, so thick he could taste it on his tongue, would blind his eyes. He was scared of those nights the most. They made him feel quite alone.

  And there were times when the path before him seemed to stretch too long, and he too tired. To keep going. To walk ahead under the heavy weight of his own existence.

  Some days, he’d deliberately creep toward the very edge of the wall and do a countdown, before leaping off. But something always seemed to stop him. Most of the times he’d chicken out and plop down on the boundary with a heaving chest. Sometimes his shirt would get caught on the pointy gss shards, preventing him from falling down. Other days, he’d jump and then his muscle memory would kick in, making him grab the boundary with a fervent hold.

  But tely, it was something else–or maybe someone else. There was a presence on the wall now. A person with a great build and blurry face. Familiar. Someone who appeared out of thin air, grabbing Eunyung’s shirt just in time with his hand. Often times he’d stand beside Eunyung at the teetering edge, just looking down in the abyss with the same broken gaze. On days like these, Eunyung would ignore the urge of giving up, and pull back the figure along with him.

  Though recently, the blurred face had its features sharpening. And with each passing day, it looked more like Haejoon. These days, Eunyung could see him backing up from the edge while holding Eunyung’s hand in his own. The same hand that was on his knee. Solid. Warm. And this time, quite real. The heat of the hand seeped into the blond’s skin through his thin shorts.

  “Do you hear me?” Haejoon’s voice was ced with uncertainty.

  But there is no fucking point.

  The grip on his knee hardened just like the voice in Eunyung’s mind.

  “You have to promise me.” There was desperation in Haejoon’s eyes when he said that and Eunyung swallowed a lump around his throat. His heart thumped. He wanted to disappear into the silence. He couldn’t say it. Couldn’t say that life was the same every day. Like the stagnant water of a small pond that has now started to smell and rot. And he was the fish that couldn’t get enough oxygen to fucking survive another day. Just couldn’t put it past his lips that he was getting tired.

  His next inhale burned his chest as though he has drunk fire. No, he wanted to say. But it was damn impossible for him to say it to Haejoon. This close, his presence clouded Eunyung’s brain capacity to think and take its own decisions.

  But he’d made promises before. And what was one more, really?

  “Okay. I promise.”

  Maybe–jus maybe–this another agreement between them would change his life for the better.

  Haejoon’s rexation was almost palpable. His eyes turned soft again and the grip he had on Eunyung’s knee went x before it was gone completely. Yet the warmth lingered. The room once again sank into the embrace of a comfortable silence save for the whir of AC running. It only reigned for a short minute before Haejoon spoke again.

  “I think I’ll really miss this pce.”

  Eunyung felt the mencholic warmth in those words wrapping around himself like a cocoon. So much so, it made his limbs release all the tension that was coiled inside. He tucked his knees under his chin and wrapped his arms around them like he could hold the moment still.

  Wouldn’t it be so nice–even for once–if someone missed Eunyung like that? Not out of habit or guilt or obligation. But like this. With so much longing and tenderness it seeped into every sylble. If only for a few minutes, but Eunyung wanted to turn into this house to become a pce that Haejoon would miss for a lifetime. The thought tugged his lips in a small smile.

  “Yeah?” he said, voice intimately low. “What would you miss about it?”

  Haejoon didn’t look at him. Just stared out the window like the moon might answer for him.

  “Everything I suppose. The nature outside. How big the house is. Our kitchen. This room. You–”

  He had it stored in the crevices of his mind–the thought that Haejoon had a really nice voice. It has this deep kind of rumble that Eunyung believed comes from the deepest parts of someone’s chest. When Haejoon was angry, his voice took on a rougher note. And while that always sent shivers down his spine, Eunyung found it even more attractive when Haejoon talked slow and soft. Because then his voice had a bit of gravel in it and it was enough to lull Eunyung to sleep. Just like it was doing right now.

  He was so lost in enjoying the timbre of that voice it took him a moment to realise what Haejoon had just said.

  You.

  Haejoon kept going, talking about Juwan and Miyung and the rest of their mismatched little group, but Eunyung couldn’t focus. A tiny shiver of sweet surprise wrecked through him. Surely, he heard it wrong. He interrupted the other with an urgency he rarely felt. “Wait–go back. You said me? You said – you will miss me?”

  “You?”

  Heart in his mouth, he waited after answering with a nod.

  “Yes. Of course, I will.”

  It was all he ever did, said things with such conviction you’d believe they were real. Though this time the blond desperately wanted it to be real. His body felt too small for his bones. He wanted–no, needed–to be missed by someone. Even if just once. Even if just by one person. Someone who’d deliberately think of Eunyung and get sad when he wasn’t there by their side. Not even his parents ever said that they missed him. Their only son.

  It was entirely possible Haejoon said it in passing. Or maybe included Eunyung’s name in the list of things he’d remember after leaving, just so he wouldn’t feel left out. But that look. That heavy gaze–he couldn’t think of another way to describe it when he felt it pressing against his very skin–centred on him told a different story. A story that didn’t feel like a lie.

  He must have taken quite a while collecting his thoughts because Haejoon said it again.

  “I’ll miss you, Eunyung. I’m not lying.”

  No one should be as good as this man in mind reading. But he’d think about Haejoon’s prowess in reading him when there were pressing matters at hand. Like his heart, which was a mess in his ribcage. Wild like a horse with iron shoes kicking the confines of his stable. It was trying to break free and Eunyung was having a hard time gripping it with everything in his being.

  “Look at this sentimental fucker saying he’ll miss me and shit.” There was no way he was showing how much the simple thing affected him. “It’s giving me the shivers.” He was shivering a little and the little tremble had nothing to do with the air conditioner.

  Haejoon shrugged like he couldn’t care less. Yet Eunyung couldn’t leave it alone. He pressed on. “Why?”

  There is no reason for you to.

  Haejoon hummed as if giving it a real thought. The chirping of crickets kept him company during the silence until the other spoke again. “Because another chapter of my life started with this house and you were here before anyone else.”

  He leaned back with his hands on the mattress and looked up. The way he always did when he was thinking. With no sky to look at like on the rooftop, inside this cramped room, Haejoon stared up at the bottom of the top bunk. As if it held all the answers. It was rather stupid. He looked adorable. Eunyung would die before saying it though.

  Unaware of all the chaos going on in Eunyung’s mind, Haejoon went on. “Whatever I have seen here, you were the witness of it all. We both had spent months here before even Juwan came along. We were the first two here and now the st two here again.” A new rush of warmth infused in Eunyung’s veins when the dark eyes snted to look at him. “Whenever I’d think about this pce, you’d always come to mind.”

  Oh. Although all of what Haejoon said sounded genuine. And Eunyung knew he should feel happy. Yet, suddenly, all he felt churning inside was bitter disappointment. Haejoon made it sound like he was the by-product of the memories he’d have of this pce. He wouldn’t miss Eunyung because his absence was unbearable. Rather he’d be remembered as some insignificant guy who was just there to–in Haejoon’s words–witness it all.

  The overflowing happiness turned to a thick slush inside his gut. What an idiot he was to have expected otherwise.

  Clenching the wet hair at the base of his head to return to reality, Eunyung spoke in a nonplussed tone. “So, am I–uh, what do you call it–a coltiral?”

  “Colteral.” Haejoon corrected. “And no, you aren’t that. You’re more like a chaperone. Essential. Always around. Never to be parted with.” There was something in the dark eyes that made them seem like they were bzing with fire. The mood shifted all of a sudden and Eunyung felt like he would burn if he didn’t break the eye contact.

  And so, he did. Fast.

  He was sure his cheeks and nape were fming red. It was all thanks to the darkness it wasn’t visible. He didn’t understand all that chaperone business. Not really. But he sat there cursing Haejoon six ways to Sunday for the st part he uttered with not so much as a feeling. Never to be parted with? What the hell did that even mean! The butterflies were back in full force, fluttering inside his stomach as if on a rampage.

  Fuck you too, Haejoon.

  He couldn’t say it so he did the next best thing. He lied.

  “Well, I wouldn’t miss you at all. Just so you know.”

  He turned his face and stared outside the window. Anywhere but Haejoon.

  “At all?” He felt rather than saw the other sitting up suddenly.

  “Nope.”

  Eunyung didn’t dare look back because if he did, his resolve to pretend unaffected would crumble like pieces of bread. It was the biggest lie of his life. He had to deliver with utmost sincerity.

  “And I think we shouldn’t meet for, like, ten years,” he added. “You’d have to focus on your college studies to become rich and successful.”

  Meanwhile, he’d figure out how to live without this man. The mere image of his future of ten years without Haejoon tightened his chest with inexplicable sadness.

  I would die.

  “Ten years?!” Haejoon cried. “Isn’t it a bit too much?”

  “I don’t think so. I have to get rich too.”

  The next time Haejoon spoke, his voice went all sort of gravely. “Well yeah. But–how–you really wouldn’t miss me?”

  Haejoon sounded like he would cry any minute now. So much so that Eunyung couldn’t resist gncing at the other’s face. And regretted his decision immediately. This fucker seriously didn’t look good when he frowned so much.

  So, Eunyung softened. He was pathetic and he knew it. “Well, maybe a bit.”

  An indignant huff. “Now you’re saying it only to make me feel better.”

  “Why would I do that? What are you? A child?”

  His reply had Eunyung gaping in a mix of shock and surprise.

  “Would you miss me if I were?” The upward tip of Haejoon’s lips told Eunyung he was enjoying this. He realised betedly they’d never joked liked this before. It was . . . quite nice.

  “Wha–“ Eunyung cried in fake astonishment. “What is with you today?”

  “Well, I want to be missed as well.”

  “Then, ask Juwan. He will miss you enough for everyone.”

  “I’m not asking Juwan right now.” A big hand nded on Eunyung’s head and turned it gently. “I’m asking you.” He’d leaned in. Their faces close enough for him to see the long and curved shes girls would kill to know the secret of. “Would you really not miss me?”

  Could the other hear how fast Eunyung’s heart was beating? If yes, then it was fucking embarrassing. But apparently not more embarrassing than the complete ck of self-control he had on his tongue in that moment. That betraying little shit!

  “Maybe a little.”

  Eunyung licked his lips. It was too damn hot in the room.

  “Only a little?”

  He could swear he saw Haejoon’s gaze dropping to his lips. But it might be just his imagination. Heat coiled in his gut like a dangerous snake, making his thoughts slip.

  Eunyung swallowed. “Yes.”

  There was a tiny moment. A fraction of a second. Where it looked like Haejoon might lean in. Maybe to kiss–

  But then, he pulled back, retrieving his hand from Eunyung’s head. The illusion shattered as if it was never there in the first pce. When the blond searched for the tendrils of emotion that churned his gut, he realised it was shame.

  Haejoon looked unperturbed though. Like nothing had happened. Like it was all in Eunyung’s head.And maybe it was. He nodded his head as if the answer had made all the sense to him.

  “Little is more.”

  “Isn’t it less?”

  “Not in your case.”

  When Eunyung gave the other an unimpressed look for his cryptic words, he only got a small smile in return. “You care about people more than you let on. No–listen,“ he cut in when Eunyung opened his mouth to object. “There have been times when you’ve gone out of your way to help me. Like when everyone called me Dongju’s bully, you were the first one who stood up for me.”

  “It was Marie and Juwan who did every–“

  “Not everything. It wasn’t them who warned Dongju to come out with the truth. And the fist fight that messed up your face? Not them again.” Haejoon gave him a look full of fucking remorse. It cut Eunyung’s heart in pieces. “Marie told me all about it.”

  He reached out, touched Eunyung’s cheek with his forefinger, softly, as if touching a water bubble. “I’m sorry for not noticing it myself.”

  The touch disappeared but the warmth remained.

  Eunyung wanted to say the fuckers left the fight far worse off than him. That they got what they deserved. But his words died in his throat when he saw how earnest Haejoon looked. “Don’t be weird. I just did what I do best. Dealing with assholes.”

  “It hadn’t happened only once,” Haejoon pointed out shaking his head. “You stopped me from following the ghost that looked like my mom off that cliff. You’ve literally saved my life many times now.” He lifted one finger and gripped it with the forefinger of his other hand to mark off the occurrence. “Made me breakfast all this time,” said lifting another. “It was always delicious.”

  It was hard to hear the soft mumble of Haejoon over the rapid pitter-patter of his poor heart. More fingers. More memories. Each one hit harder than the st.

  “Fought all the games during sports festival st Thanksgiving to collect enough money for my phone repairs.” When Eunyung tried to bme it on his competitive streak, Haejoon shut him up with, “Juwan told me about it.”

  Two things were damn clear from all of this. First was Juwan and Marie being a pair of fucking snitchers. And second was the inevitable fact that if Haejoon continued, Eunyung would combust in the raging fire of compliments. Of course, it raced his heart to a messy blur hearing all what Haejoon said. But, he hadn’t done all those things to be showered with praises and gratitude. He just hated to see a nice, hard-working guy like Haejoon going through all the shit completely alone.

  Despite their obvious differences, Haejoon reminded Eunyung of his own much younger self—alone and suffering. He had experienced it firsthand how horrible it was to have everyone he trusted turning their backs on him when he needed them the most. That kind of betrayal stung for a lifetime. And even if they didn’t see eye to eye on certain things, Eunyung refused to be the one to introduce Haejoon to that sting.

  Maybe he had always cared about Haejoon and was just blind enough to not see it himself.

  “So, what I’m saying is thank you.”

  Eunyung froze like an icicle. He really didn’t know what to say to that. A shrug would come off as if he didn’t value the other’s genuine gratitude. “Sure, whatever,” seemed too casual. “I’ll do it again if it is for you,” sounded like a third-grade love confession. This unexpected honesty was dripping into his veins like warm wine. It mingled and ran with his blood and rushed to his head making it unable for him to have a grip on his wits. Fuck! He had no idea what to do.

  His struggle must have shone in his eyes because Haejoon took one look at him and chuckled. Long fingers threaded in blond strands and ruffled them in a gesture that was familiar yet new every time it happened.

  “Don’t think too much. You’ll hurt that pretty little head of yours,” the smirk Haejoon threw at him was devastating. Eunyung grabbed the nearest pillow and threw it at him.

  “Fuck you too.”

  No matter how hard he tried to maintain a poker face, Haejoon’s booming ugh had his lips tugging up in a smile.

  Fucking good. Haejoon looked so fucking good whenever he ughed like that. Without any restraints. His eyes crinkled in the particur way they always did. His head was thrown back and his neck glittered in the silvery glow of the moonlight. Where he wasn’t shining, darkness clung to him almost like a second skin. Like he was made of both light and shadows. And somehow, grey hadn’t ever looked this beautiful before.

  “I talked to her about you, you know,” Haejoon said suddenly, voice aggrieved.

  Eunyung knew who Haejoon meant without the other mentioning it. He wasn’t a psychic. It was only because the deep timbre Eunyung liked so much cracked only when Haejoon said something about his mother. Eunyung folded in on himself, wrapping his hands around his knees. His head was full of questions but he decided to rest it onto his knees to silence them.

  “When?”

  “In a dream. When I was in the hospital.”

  Eunyung winced at the reminder.

  Those two days and three nights had felt endless. It was like time had stretched on forever. They were unbearable. There had been this dark fear inside him that Haejoon wouldn’t wake up again. So, he had gone all out and told a concussed Haejoon all he had ever wanted to tell him. His feelings. His fears. His pns for the future and how he’d like to spend it with the other. If Haejoon had been hearing all of it in his comatose state then Eunyung thought now was a good time to be demoted to hell. There was no chance his ass was going to heaven.

  “I kept hearing your voice–“

  So much for optimism. “What did you hear?”

  “I don’t remember exactly what you said. Just that you were saying something.”

  Thank fuck.

  “You know, it was a good dream,” he mumbled with a wistful look on his face. Eunyung wanted to reach out and held his hand in solidarity. But he was too much of a coward to do that and so, he settled with a quiet question. “Was it? What happened in it?”

  Haejoon looked at him. Squeezed the pillow he was holding to his chest, and swallowed. “I–Believe it or not, I was a kid again. And mom–” he said, voice cracking like a twig from a branch. “Mom was there. We were both living together like we used to and it was so good.”

  The moisture in his eyes shone under the moon’s glow like some kind of pearl before he closed them. “It was like everything was back to normal. I couldn’t be happier that mom was with me as if she never left.”

  There was an ache in Eunyung’s chest that just wouldn’t go as long as he stared at the man sitting in front of him. Torn apart. Grieving. And so damn strong.

  When Haejoon opened his eyes again there was a far-off look in them. He was back in that dream and Eunyung couldn’t help but watch it through his eyes. “She kept making my favorite dishes. We were ughing. Watched our favorite TV programs. I kept hugging her and she–” he took a deep breath before continuing, “she kept saying I love you to me.”

  “Did you say it back?”

  He blinked like he’d forgotten Eunyung was there. “Yeah. I did. You know what I came to realise when I was in that dream?” The blond’s shake of head was responded with a pensive smile. “That I really miss that pce. We have a bizarre retionship–that home and I. When she was alive, all I wanted was to get out of it. Anywhere in the world was better than that shoebox. That cave of ghosts where I was being watched constantly. It had come to a point where I had started making up excuses to her for coming back te at night. Couldn’t breathe in there. I just–I hated going back to it.”

  Eunyung watched it. The way Haejoon’s fingers went white around the pillow. Maybe he was living the memory of his st fight with his mother before she died in the accident. He almost reached for those clenched fingers. Almost. But refrained. Wasn’t quite sure if the touch would be welcomed.

  It was a long while before Haejoon spoke again. “After she died, the house became mine. And it got worse. Became even more suffocating to live in when it was ours. First, it was unbearable because she was there and then because she wasn’t. Weird, isn’t it?” Though he didn’t wait for Eunyung to answer.

  “You truly know the value of someone when they have left you. Same with the other things, actually. I’d do anything, give everything to have her back. To live together in that rickety house once again. Even for just one day. If only it was possible.”

  Eunyung knew bits of Haejoon’s story. Heard it from others. Though this was the first time the man himself was telling him such a personal thing along with the gritty details. Eunyung didn’t understand why now?

  Maybe Haejoon didn’t care anymore about what anybody said about him and his past. Or maybe–and it was a big maybe–he had implicit trust in Eunyung and believed, without a seed of doubt, that he would keep the secret and wouldn’t use it against him. The blond liked to think it was the tter. So, he plucked the memory of the past few minutes and dropped it deep inside the hollow of his heart from where it’d never be hauled out again.

  The memory of him calling her crazy before Haejoon tasted like ash in his mouth. He had done it to vex the raven and understood a bit too te why Haejoon had reacted so strongly to it. Shame washed over him in sullen waves. Slow and incessant. He’d behaved like a complete insensitive fuck to this man. How Haejoon found it in himself to even think sacrificing his dorm to stay with Eunyung two years ago, he’d never know. His heart throbbed. He didn’t deserve Haejoon’s kindness.

  “I told her about you,” Haejoon repeated, sighing at st. The dark clouds around him seemed to vanish when he gave Eunyung a small smile. It looked genuine enough for Eunyung to urge, “What did you say about me? Not all compints, I hope?”

  That got a chuckle out of the raven, his shoulders rexing even more. “No. I told her there was a friend of mine waiting outside the door for me and I wanted her to meet him.”

  f this was a different life and both of them had led normal childhoods, Eunyung would have really liked to be Haejoon’s friend. In that life, maybe Eunyung would have gotten to meet his mother. Maybe even sat at the same dinner table.

  I’m sure she was a good dy.

  “What did she say?” Eunyung asked, weirdly invested in the story.

  “She asked me your name and I forgot it.”

  Eunyung stared at him in bewilderment. “You’re joking.”

  Haejoon looked sheepish. “In my defense, the memories of high school were fuzzy and I didn’t remember the other’s names as well.” He casted an apologetic gnce at Eunyung. When he nodded at him to go on, Haejoon ground out a heavy chuckle. “But I remembered you. I told her you were very helpful. But didn’t respect me at all.”

  But I remembered you.

  The words warmed him from inside out. Eunyung did his damned best to stifle a smile threatening to pull at his lips. “At least you told your mom the truth.”

  “Brat.”

  The affection in that tone was clear as the night sky outside. So much that it hurt. If he was braver, then, this would have been the perfect moment to confess. If anything went wrong, he could just bme it all to the weird atmosphere. But he was aware that Haejoon’s affections come from an innocent pce while Eunyung’s . . . not so much. The thought pricked his skin with the coldness of long and sharp icicles.

  What were the odds that he’d open his mouth and fuck everything up?

  No. It was much better to stay friends than be nothing at all.

  He faked a yawn. He was about to scramble his limbs out of the bed when a warm hand wrapped around his forearm and held. “Wait, where are you going?” Haejoon asked, a mildly panicked expression on his face. And Eunyung stopped short in his tracks. When had they started touching each other so casually?

  “Where else?” Eunyung said, eyes away. “To bed. You should go too. You’ve got an early day tomorrow.”

  “No, you’re not.” The raven ignored him as if Eunyung hadn’t spoken at all. His grip went a tad bit tighter when the blond tried to get up anyway. Not enough to hurt and leave marks but enough to remind Eunyung the heat of the touch long after Haejoon had left tomorrow. “Not until you tell me who it is.”

  “That again!”

  Ever since Eunyung had slipped out he liked someone, Haejoon had gone somewhat ballistic. Not in jealousy, of course. That’d have been too much to expect from a life that always made him miserable. No. He had gone full on scientist mode. It was a small reprieve he hadn’t told the group about Eunyung’s secret like he promised. Though he had made it his mission to figure out “the new variable in the equation that is making our integration impossible.”

  Whatever the fuck that meant.

  When Eunyung had asked Haejoon the same, he had blushed red hot and ran off. The image of Haejoon flushing like a tomato was a sight to behold but he didn’t understand what was that all about. Eunyung was not good with mathematics.

  The raven had avoided him for quite some time after that. But like they said, curiosity killed the cat. And in this case, it got the better of Haejoon. “Who is it?” he kept asking. Every time. Everywhere. He’d pop up like a ghost–only visible and alive–around Eunyung to ask the same question.

  It started as funny and entertaining. Eunyung would make him guess the name of the secret identity for a few minutes before refuting his answer with a bone-satisfying “no.” He’d smile. They’d move on. Through all this, Haejoon never really showed any emotion on his face. He’d nod, stare at Eunyung for a heartbeat, and then leave with the promise of coming back.

  One thing Eunyung got to know about himself during this was that he was a css-1 masochist. He’d started enjoying this little game of theirs. Like a shared secret only they knew. And for once, even Juwan was out of the loop. And for some fucking unknown reason, it was a source of incomparable relief and happiness for Eunyung.

  Though emotions shouldn’t ever be turned into a game.

  Every time Haejoon came back, he’d say a different name and every time Eunyung learned this lesson with a metaphorical sp to his face. Sometimes he liked to imagine gathering enough guts to push Haejoon to the nearest wall, kiss him for hours until both their lips started to swell, and then tell him, once and for all.

  It’s you! It has always been you! And if you still don’t get it then you are a golden fucking idiot!

  Before long he started dreading it. This game. All the lying. Haejoon.

  Css. Pyground. Hallway. Dining area. Basketball court. Their dorm room. Even the goddamn bathrooms. No pce were off-limits for the raven to have his interrogating sessions. And Eunyung was scared that one of these days his impulse would get the better of him. If he said it and Haejoon didn’t feel the same—everything would fall apart. Everything. Trust. Camaraderie. Friendship. Like a house of cards, it’d all topple over and there would be nothing left but guilt and remorse.

  It had been his fault for saying anything at all. And now that he’d made the fucking bed, he also had to lie in it. The moment Eunyung settled down with a tired sigh, the bombardment started.

  “Is it someone from the theatre? Don’t think I haven’t noticed you spending so much time there these days.”

  “No.”

  “Is it the girl in your css who was putting make up on you st week?”

  How the fuck do you even know about that?

  “She has a boyfriend.”

  Haejoon blinked like the piece of information was irrelevant. Eunyung had to sigh when the other put his thoughts into words. “You said you weren’t dating, so it probably is one-sided, is she really not the one?”

  Eunyung curled his upper lip in fake contempt. “Motherfucker, no.”

  Haejoon was quiet for a moment but the blond knew it was far from over. Suddenly, he hit his fist on the ft of his palm, as if something important had just occurred to him. “Well, I never went there but maybe I should have. Could it be someone from our group?”

  Eunyung choked on the air he’d inhaled. His heartbeat drummed in his ears as he coughed his lungs out. Haejoon gave him water from the side table and even patted his back but carried on like nothing important was happening whatsoever.

  “But Marie and Minju secretly like each other,” Haejoon said, eyes narrowed, calcuting. “So that means–”

  If Eunyung wasn’t struggling to draw his next breath without burning his wind pipe then he’d have punched the asshole in his nuts. Bet that’d have been enough to straighten this muscle truck’s spiralling thoughts. “Wait! No way!” Haejoon cried with wild astonishment and Eunyung closed his eyes. He couldn’t do this anymore. “Is it Hara?!”

  Another bout of coughing fit wracked his chest. His eyes watered. Either due to the burning sensation in his tortured lungs or the sheer stupidity of this man. He gulped the gss of water and while the trickling liquid soothed his body, he decided to pray to no god in particur for this madness to be finally over.

  “How, in hell,” Eunyung muttered, voice hoarse after the cough that shook him apart, “did you even come to that conclusion?! She is like a sister, you moron.”

  That was it. He’d not entertain it any longer.

  “How would I know–wait–you can’t!” Haejoon caught him as he tried to leave again. He snaked a hand around Eunyung’s neck and pulled him back to the bed. It wasn’t threatening. The chokehold wasn’t even tight to impede his breathing in any form. It was the kind of pyful thing boys did all the time.

  But Eunyung’s back was flushed against the other’s rock-solid chest. The warmth of it had him gasping for breath. His hand wrapped around the thick wrist in an attempt to untangle himself from the raven’s hold.

  “You can’t go until you tell me.”

  Haejoon’s warm breath tickled the shell of his ear and everything in him snapped.

  “Fuck you, Haejoon,” he muttered and wedged his elbow in the other’s stomach a bit roughly.

  The other let out a low curse and Eunyung smiled, thinking he got him. But the grip tightened even more. His world tilted when Haejoon pulled him along as they fell back on the bed in a tangle of limbs. The skirmish sted only for a moment yet Eunyung breathed hard like he had been fighting since forever.

  “Why did you do that? It hurt, you know.” Haejoon’s voice came from somewhere above him.

  Eunyung smiled, gd to have put a dent on the muscle truck. “Serves you right. You were starting to annoy me.”

  Haejoon groaned and the hand looped around Eunyung’s neck was gone. His smile disappeared. The situation came back to him and with it, his own position. He was lying on Haejoon’s bunk, with him in it, and his head on the hard bicep he obsessed over like a junkie. His limbs might as well be made of lead because it refused to move. Even when his heart exploded like a nuclear bomb. He should get up.

  Did he have to?

  “Are you a fish? You keep trying to run away from me. I won’t eat you. Just wanna talk.” Haejoon’s gaze was already on him when Eunyung chanced a gnce at him. “Stay. Even if just a little. Like your missing pns for me,” he finished with one of his rare half-smiles.

  And just like that, Eunyung lost the war he never meant to win.

  He never even had a chance.

  “Where were we?”

  “We weren’t anywhere. Let me go,” Eunyung grumbled without even moving a muscle of his pinky finger to get up. Their bodies were far apart and except from his head on the other’s arm, they weren’t touching anywhere. So, why on earth, did Eunyung feel so fucking hot? Like he was standing on the edge of a raging volcano and its red-hot va was going to engulf and destroy him any minute now. Maybe he was running a fever.

  “Is it someone from your old friend group? It’s possible since I don’t know them.”

  You had been so close, Eunyung thought with a ugh.

  “No. I don’t even talk to them anymore.”

  “From your old workpce?”

  “No.”

  “Yes! That’s right! Someone from your modelling gig!”

  “Nope.” He popped the ‘p.’ It came out smug. Maybe too smug.

  It was nice. Talking to the other like this and see this carefree side of him.

  Haejoon didn’t seem averted to touch. But there had always been some weird tension between them. It made Eunyung rarely initiate the casual touches he was so free to give his other friends. Maybe it was because they had fought so many times and hurt each other, or Eunyung has practically killed the other by accident on multiple occasions. Whatever reason it was, it has cut short their physical contact to a minimum.

  “I’m starting to think this special someone is either super ugly or isn’t even real.”

  That irked Eunyung.

  He snted a fierce look at Haejoon at the accusation.

  Ugly and unreal?

  Bitch where?!

  Did they call those cheekbones, that soft angur jaw Eunyung had right in front of his eyes, fucking ugly? Or was it a new trend to call the dark and deep-set eyes not attractive? People would have to be blind to call these full lips that looked fucking enticing and traceable to Eunyung, ugly. That whole face. And then the neck. Those heavy shoulders stretching the t-shit just a little across his chest. The mole right at the center of his colrbone. Muscled chest. Powerful pecs. Weighty thighs. Slender yet thick fingers. That million-dolr smile. And the reddened cheeks. Shy expressions. The all-consuming rage. The protective embrace. The deep timbre of his voice. The way his back slouched in despair when he thought no one was looking at him. The whole of Haejoon Goh. He was real. And fucking beautiful.

  No one could say otherwise.

  No motherfucking one.

  Not even Haejoon himself.

  “He is fucking beautiful and very fucking real, you fucking bastard!”

  Brittle silence enveloped them as they stared at each other. He hadn’t seen so many emotions pying on Haejoon’s face ever before. Surprise. Curiosity. Hurt. Yet the most befuddling for Eunyung was a goddamned hopeful smile that was somehow even rarer than his half-smiles.

  “Who is he?”

  Everything inside Eunyung turned to static. Thoughts evaporated from his mind. What had he done? He’d blurted out his biggest secret in front of the one he’d been hiding it from. After being so careful all this time, how in the world could he fuck up this bad?

  With a painful breath that rattled his chest, he turned away from the other sharply and buried his face in his hands.

  “No. No. What the fuck?”

  He and his big fucking mouth! He could feel his heartbeat thumping in his temples. His hands curled into fists and he roughly pressed them into his forehead. His heart was racing so fast it hurt. What should he do? Tell Haejoon a random person’s name and be done with it? Or maybe deny everything he’d said up until now would be a better choice? They both were lies. He didn’t want to tell Haejoon a lie.

  Then, should he tell the truth?

  He shook his head vehemently.

  It was too early. Not yet. He wasn’t prepared for the reject–

  “Eunyung!” His hands were wrenched apart from his face in one swift attempt. Haejoon’s hands were gripping his wrists, as he leaned over Eunyung looking troubled. Eunyung shoved him lightly and bolted upright. Haejoon backed away immediately but didn’t lie down again.

  Eunyung’s head was one jumbled mess of thoughts and regrets. He’d kept this locked away for so long. So, why now? Especially, when they had finally started to open up to each other. The other’s heavy gaze on his face was almost unbearable. Haejoon was silent, yet his unvoiced questions hung in the air like the sheer silence they’ve found themselves in.

  Anguish tore through him.

  Haejoon had asked him to stay. Eunyung looked from his feet to the door and decided, in that single moment, to leave. Getting his body to listen to move took a herculean effort. He had crossed half the room before a sour voice stopped him in his tracks.

  “Running away again?”

  His words pierced through Eunyung’s chest like a jagged knife. Not because they were said in a tired tone. But because they came from him. Because they were true. Because, like his mother always said, Eunyung always ran. He swallowed a lump though his throat clogged with emotions.

  It is for the best, he wanted to say. I’d hate you if I didn’t go away right now.

  “The person you like happens to be a guy? Big deal. Is that really a reason to run away? You know I’m not homophobic. I won’t judge you for it. Ever.”

  And now, he had gone ahead and dragged the knife through Eunyung’s flesh. Making him bleed all over the floor. Eunyung had no qualms of being attracted to the same gender. He has accepted it. The same way he had accepted that he’d never have a normal family. That his dad wouldn’t ever feel proud of him. That his mom wouldn’t ever accept her son as he was without trying to change him as per her whims. Sooner or ter, Eunyung always come to accept things about himself.

  Begrudgingly? Yes.

  Unapologetically? Absolutely.

  He wasn’t anxious over Haejoon finding out he liked someone from the same gender. His stomach was in knots at the prospect of Haejoon finding out who he liked.

  “It’s not about that,” he replied in a quiet voice from the same spot, his back to Haejoon.

  “Yeah? Then is it really that hard to trust me?”

  The hurt in the other’s voice gripped Eunyung’s heart in a vice hold. He turned to see Haejoon sitting in the same spot only with his hands crossed over his chest. His mouth was set in a hard line but the look in his eyes mirrored Eunyung’s own. Sad. Hurt. Broken.

  “I told you it’s not–“

  “You know what? Leave it. If you don’t wanna tell, it’s fine,” he said, finally getting up. “Sorry, if I made you feel weird. It wasn’t my intention. I won’t ever ask again.”

  Haejoon turned to straighten his pillow as if his words hadn’t created an impenetrable wall between them. Eunyung stayed where he was all the while an inexplicable feeling gnawed at his stomach. Sharp, sick, and aching. This wasn’t how he envisioned this night would go. They weren’t supposed to fight.

  Granted, they haven’t fought yet.

  Haejoon was giving him an out. He was trying to be kind by ending the conversation he thought was making Eunyung uncomfortable. In a way, it was almost sweet. And Eunyung might have believed it and taken the olive branch if Haejoon’s tensed shoulders weren’t in his straight line of sight. He was smacking the pillow like he had some personal agenda against it. The silence he offered was no olive branch. It was deflection. Like he didn’t believe anything good would come out even if they were to talk.

  Eunyung should let it go. The dismissal hurt. But it also boiled the crimson fuel running in his veins. He should–

  “You don’t need to go off into the night for this. Let’s just sleep,” he said, gncing at Eunyung over the shoulder. Voice too even. Too fucking normal.

  On another thought . . .

  “Don’t do this.”

  This time the other did turn to face him. “What am I doing now?”

  “This.” His hands made a vague gesture between them. “You know it.”

  “I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “You know I can’t say no to you.”

  A beat of silence dipped into the truth Eunyung had just id bare in front of the other.

  “That’s funny, because that’s what I’ve been hearing from you for the past two months.”

  The bitterness in the other’s tone turned his blood to acid. Haejoon gnced down, scraped a hand on his nape. “Look. Maybe I did go a little overboard. But if I was making you uncomfortable, you should’ve said something. Anything. Now I just feel like an idiot. Chasing after someone who couldn’t even trust me with a stupid name!”

  It’d been a long time since Haejoon shouted at him. Like this. Eunyung hated it. Before. Now, it only made him hate himself more for upsetting the other.

  “I can’t say no to you.”

  “Eunyung.” His name brought Eunyung’s eyes up from the floor. Haejoon stood still, fingers pressing into his temple and a hand on his waist. “Let’s just say I believe in what I see rather than what I hear. And I saw the distrust in your eyes just fine some minutes ago.” Suddenly, his voice softened. “You don’t have to tell me who you like, okay? Obviously, you don’t trust me to keep your secret–“

  Oh, this was getting nowhere!

  Trust this! Trust that!

  Trust was suspending his blind urge to end his life–just because Haejoon had asked him not to. Trust was trembling legs and a shivering heart, with which he’d filed a domestic violence report against his parents. Reason? Haejoon had his back. Trust was wanting to lead a life Haejoon would approve of. Because if Eunyung ever sought the approval of an adult, it’d be someone like Haejoon. Someone who kept trying to make himself better. Every damn day. Who got back up when life shoved him down. Someone whose apologies weren’t mere words but actions. Someone who made promises and held on to it.

  Trust was nothing but a simple word to disguise something impossibly heavy. Trust was choosing a person you liked, turn your back to them, and pray they wouldn’t put a knife in it.

  Trust was something Eunyung had in abundance for Haejoon Goh.

  It simply couldn’t go on like this any longer, he decided. Sooner or ter, Eunyung mused, his feelings for the other would’ve spilled from the bubbling cauldron of his heart. After all, it was filled to the brim, its contents overflowing. If it happened tonight, then it was his bad luck. Not that his luck had ever been anything but bad.

  Tiny tremors started in his fingers as he imagined Haejoon vanishing from his life forever. Swallowed around a lump in his throat of the size of a fucking boulder when he let his imagination run rampant and saw Haejoon walking away for good. From Eunyung. It’d rip him apart. But what would break his spirit more was Haejoon buying into the doubt that Eunyung didn’t trust him.

  So hard. He had fallen so hard for this fucker it wasn’t even funny anymore.

  You wanted this.

  That was his only thought before he burst at his seams.

  “It’s you,” he spat. “It’s you I like!”

  The utter disbelief on the other’s face had him ploughing on.

  “Fuck! I didn’t want to do this tonight. Wasn’t ever gonna do it, mind you. But screw it. Whatever. You want to hear the secret? Here it is.” He dragged a hand through his hair, feeling like a caged animal. “I. Like. You.” A beat. A breath. “You stupid, frustrating, infuriating bitch—you. Not Mina. Not another college girl. Or a girl from theatre. You.”

  Saying it out loud reduced the heaviness he didn’t know he had been holding in his chest. It felt damned good. The words flew from his tongue like water slipping from the gaps of fingers. Couldn’t stop them. Now, that the dam was broken, the flood of emotions raged onwards colpsing the control towers he had made for himself.

  “I think about you. Every fucking second of every day. And I hate it. And yet I love it.”

  He clenched his teeth, jaw trembling.

  “Not a fucking day goes by without me feeling these–“ His throat choked up around all the words he hadn’t said until now. But he forced them out. “These all-consuming feelings for you! I can’t even breath anymore, you stupid bitch.”

  His hands shook. And so did his voice.

  “I hate you for it. I really do. But I like you so fucking much it drives me damn crazy.” He swallowed, hard. “Just the thought of you rejecting me scares me. Because then we won’t even be friends and I don’t want to fucking go back to the time where we didn’t mean anything to each other.”

  His fists clenched so tight his nails bit into his palms.

  Friend. It felt like a joke now. Like a leash.

  Haejoon’s expression was a dreadful mix of surprise, shock, and something else. He looked like he has seen a ghost. But even when on the happenstances where he did see real ghosts, Haejoon hadn’t ever made that kind of face before. Eyebrows rising to the hairline. Mouth sckened. Face pale. As though his whole reality had tilted off its course.

  Maybe hearing a guy confess his romantic feelings for you really did that to people. Eunyung wouldn’t ever know of course. Because it was damn clear his feelings weren’t reciprocated. He gulped down the red-hot shame and trudged on. Like a solider on a mission that was doomed like the world they lived in. This was a war, wasn’t it? Him against his own person.

  “You don’t like me.“ It was fairly obvious now. His chest ached. Burned. “And I don’t think I can like someone else.” It sounded pathetic. He wanted to burrow a hole in the ground, crawl in there, and never come back up. “Didn’t trust you with a fucking name?” He let out a sad ugh. “Goddamn it. I trust you with my life!”

  There was a heartbeat of heavy silence. Drenched in everything he said up until now. Everything he couldn’t undo. Eunyung realised he was panting, his nails digging into the flesh of his palm. He could feel the indentations forming already. It hurt like a bitch. Though in that moment, he felt stripped raw. Naked. The security of his hidden truths gone completely, leaving him exposed like an open wound.

  His heart was a bruised thing in his chest. Long ago, Eunyung had willed it to stop wanting things he couldn’t have. He had given up on everything. Studies. His future. Life. Until that chance collision brought Haejoon to him and filled his grey world with a burst of colours. Red being the prominent one amongst them all. Red like angry punches turned into arguments. Red like pride mellowing down to affection. Red like love transformed into something alive for the first time in a while.

  “Haejoon. I don’t think I have even liked my own life as much as I like you.” He saw Haejoon’s breath hitching and somehow felt it in his fucking bones. There. He had said it and ruined it all. He dropped his head. Couldn’t look at Haejoon. Not even a moment longer. “That’s my fucking secret.”

  And then he stood there, like a child, bracing for the punishment. For the rejection. For the end.