“Celibacy is preferable to procreation sex.”—Woman unknown

  It took ten years to create a city.?The male Settlers controlled the education; the Incomers the jobs; the Foreigners recycling, statues, and “production lines”; while women developed prolapses and soon forgot how to use a screwdriver.? The Aliens were sent to the outer lands to experiment with cropping, which they took to like they were born to it. In fact, they felt so comfortable in the outer lands that they were hardly seen—just the odd sighting at the trading post, where plants and meat were exchanged for tools or the odd bit of comfy furniture.

  Soon they had developed superb farming techniques, the sort of techniques that could turn a dust bowl fertile, not that any from the city appreciated it.?In fact, Aliens were rarely acknowledged at all, let alone spoken of; their shabby treatment was quietly erased from history, until talk of a discontent in the city was heard.? The Incomers felt they were as good as the Settlers—“why can’t we educate as well as be educated?” said many—while the Foreigners demanded education.

  Fights began to break out, Foreigners were seen tripping up Incomers, and Incomers were seen hurling abuse at the Settlers, until Wife-ie stepped in.? With her divide-and-conquer theory, Wife-ie created Alien myths, instantly uniting the city folk in fear. “Aliens drink blood for fun” and “Aliens have the hearing of a bat” were her favorites, which she posted on lampposts and whispered into ears while dropping the price of recreational hemp tea.

  Arthur of the North was impressed; hemp tea soothed even the most cynical until the “Great Hemp Riot” of eighteen forty-one.? Hemp nurturing was women’s work, and it made things bearable for women, including childbirth and the many things that led to childbirth. But as recreational hemp use increased, their “prehistoric methods” were not enough.? Arthur of the North could see trouble brewing—the city was running out of hemp—and was at a loss of what to do. ?Until that is, the Aliens got wind of the “blood drinking” rumors.? The Aliens’ ability to spy was as spectacular as their ability to riot and being called “blood drinking morons” gave them plenty to riot about.

  They unleashed their much-loved horned four-legged creatures to rampage the streets like a Spanish bull run.? Arthur of the North watched the four-legged creatures knock over stalls and smash into windows. He watched as men valiantly trying to control the herd were thrust into the sky like failed matadors and knew there was only one thing he could do; bribe in the form of a treaty.

  Quickly drawing up his famous “Hemp Nurturing Along With All the Hemp You Can Drink” agreement, he braved the four-legged creatures, waving the treaty like the white flag of surrender, and handed the “Hemp duties” over to the Aliens. ?It was a turning point for women.? Without the inhalation of hemp ether while nurturing, women soon began to sober up, realizing how rubbish their lives were.? They spent all day mothering and producing babies with no break, no change, dealing with toddler tantrums, childhood questions about the point of existence, and teenage dramas, while men swanned in and out spreading their seed to whomever, whenever.

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  Soon, the women were stomping to the weekly meeting held by the waterfall waving “a penis is only the beginning” placards.? They campaigned for weeks.? The men, mildly amused, said little.? The women threatened to strike.?T he men laughed.? The women locked the nurturing shed door.? The men walked away.? The women stuck “no more baby making” notes on the door, and the men, with hardly a look, jeered.

  The men controlled the food and tools—they could starve the women into submission, and if that didn’t work, they could simply cut off their hot water. How long could a woman go without a bath?? It was the horselike woman who came up with the manipulation idea.

  “We can coerce,” she said. “Talk of role models. Tell them how the Aliens do it—mold their children.”

  The men laughed.

  “Aliens?” said one. “They dance around a fire for fun.”

  “Yeah, with talking sticks,” said another.

  “They did rampage our city,” muttered the horselike woman.

  Arthur of the North stopped, listened. These women have a point.

  “Their sons go with the men all the time out there.” The horselike woman gestured to the outer lands.

  Sons? thought Arthur of the North. He looked at his men.

  “They even bond,” said the spokeswoman.

  The men stopped. “Bond?”

  “Yes,” yelled the horselike woman. “Their motto is, ‘Give me a boy at seven and I will show you a man.’”

  Silence . . .

  “I can see where you’re coming from,” said Arthur of the North. He looked at his men.

  “Kind of like the idea.”?The men looked at each other.

  “Hmm . . . molding?” said one.

  “I can see how that would work . . .” said another.

  It was all downhill after that, as the men took over the meeting talking of molding and shaping baby boys, building a force that could protect the city.? The women didn’t get a word in . . .?Fed up and disgruntled, the women stomped home.

  “All we wanted was a bit of babysitting,” the spokeswoman hissed.

  The horselike woman shifted uncomfortably.

  “Now those bozos are going to mold our boys into them,” said the spokeswoman.

  “While we still get up every night to feed,” snapped a voice from the back.

  “And our girls will have as much chance as we frigging have,” said the spokeswoman.

  “Exactly,” snapped the voice from the back.

  Arthur of the North, pleased with himself, stretched out by his fire, sipping a hemp tea with Wife-ie.

  “That’s that sorted,” he said with a smirk.

  Wife-ie looked at him. ?“Isn’t the latest baby in there the image of you?”

  Arthur of the North choked on his hemp.?“Me?”?S

  he looked at him. “The image.”

  He checked his dates.? Bollocks, thought Arthur of the North, guess I’ll have to go and bond now.