[Greetings! You have died.]
I… what?
Last thing I remembered was opening a bag of peanuts. Don’t tell me I—
[Yes! You choked on a peanut. Did you know that peanuts are responsible for at least 25 recorded deaths per year? Almost all of those deaths are a result of anaphalaxys, which is caused by allergies!]
“I… don’t have any allergies. How many people die from choking on peanuts per year?”
[This year, just you!]
Oh. Spectacular.
I sighed. Shrugged my shoulders.
Wait. I had shoulders?
A body?
“Hey… shouldn’t I be, like, a floating spirit right now?”
[No! That’s a very common misconception. In fact, if you open your eyes, you’ll find that you’re in your very own reincarnation waiting room!]
I… also had eyes I guess. I opened them to a wide, blank space, filled almost entirely with nothingness. In the distance, I spotted something that resembled a small glowing plant.
I looked down at myself.
I didn’t remember looking this skinny. Nor being this short.
As if responding to my thoughts, a mirror was conjured in front of me. I got a good look at myself.
My body was like that of a child, maybe 15 or 16. My hair was longer than usual, and had an almost cosmic shining quality to it. My eyes looked like balls of pure white energy.
It was kinda unnerving.
[Anyways! I’m here to give you the rundown on your reincarnation protocol. You passed the basic human standard for virtuous conduct in life, and as such, you get another go around! Isn’t that wonderful?]
“...yippee.”
Honestly, I wasn’t really over dying to a peanut yet.
Losing my old life was whatever. My neighbours were lame, I was estranged from my family, my boss sucked, and I was tired of doomscrolling Twitter all the damn time.
Suddenly, a thought occurred to me.
“What if I don’t want another life?”
[Well, we’re right next door to Hell. If you want to step outside, I’m sure we can find you accommodation there! I won’t be able to let you back in, though.]
“...oh. What’s Hell like?”
[Bad.]
“Makes sense…” I scratched my cosmic starlight boyband hair. “What if my new life’s ‘bad’ too, though? My last life sucked. What if I roll a one and get reborn as a crack baby, or something? Is there not a Heaven I can go to?”
[Heaven is fully booked right now.]
“Yeah figures. Well, do I get any say in the matter?”
This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it
[You do! If you’d like to be reincarnated on another planet—]
“Done.”
[That was fast!]
“What did you expect? Earth sucks.”
[Well, that cuts your waiting time by about 80%! I’m your tailored virtual soul assistant system, by the way! Just call me ‘System’ for short.]
As it spoke, the singular blue text box in front of me multiplied until there were about fifty of them, all coming together to form the image of a smiling face.
“You’re… really fucking creepy, dude.”
[I was going for endearing, but that’s fine!]
The extra text boxes dissipated, and again, only one floated before me.
[Anyways! You’ve got some time to kill before I’ll be able to locate a body for you, so please feel free to make use of the waiting area’s facilities in the meantime!]
I looked around the blank empty space, then back at the floating box.
“Is that supposed to be a joke, or something? There’s nothing here.”
Well, nothing besides a weird glowing plant at least. I walked over to it to get a closer look.
The ground near it felt softer, having a similar consistency to dirt. The plant itself was unimpressive, a single stem that’d barely sprouted, holding only a couple of tiny, budding leaves.
[That plant represents your eternal soul! Touching it WILL make you nauseous!]
I took heed of that and simply stared a little more.
“My soul looks pretty sucky.”
[It’s a fledgeling, mortal soul. You could certainly develop it with enough effort! Picture that tiny plant as your beginning, and this entire room as the space it has to grow within!]
“Vague motivation aside, I still don’t see what I’m supposed to do in here.”
[This room allows you to conjure almost anything! You can use this space to grow your soul and increase your spirit’s capabilities! For example!]
I blinked, and across from me, a weight bench, a pull up bar, and what appeared to be a sparring dummy had been breathed into existence.
God. My muscles ached just looking at those things.
Screw that noise. I didn’t die to start doing exercise now.
Then, besides that, there was now a massive bookshelf spanning one wall of the room. More books than an entire library could hold. Who knew what knowledge and wonders they might contain?
I’d check ‘em out later. I felt pretty mentally drained right now.
“Hey. Can you make me a bed?”
[Sure! Your soul doesn’t require sleep, however!]
“Whatever. Make with the bed already.”
The system made me a bed. It then tweaked it five times as per my instructions until it was exactly how I wanted.
I laid down and stretched in place, tired already.
[Is there anything else you need?]
“Uh… do you have apps?”
[I do not have Twitter.]
Fuck. Call me out why don’t you.
“Well… can you get apps?”
[I am a virtual entity designed by gods to shepherd mortal souls through the shifting eternal planes. I do not possess an app store.]
“Okay.”
I let a second or two pass.
“But in theory, could you download—”
[...Fine. Doing it. Want some Cheetos, too?]
“Yes, actually.”
And that’s how I spent two months in the afterlife eating junk food and doomscrolling Twitter in bed. Felt just like my old life.
By the time my new body was ready, I’d touched the weights and workout zone exactly zero times and I’d read about half a book on mana and energy stuff. Seemed pretty esoteric. Basically just read some when I needed to fall asleep.
Little did I know I was about to wake up in the body of Cael Soulgrave, attending the most cutthroat, murderhappy magic school in all of the known universe, with a target painted right across my back from the second I got there.
Maybe I should’ve put down the Cheetos sooner.
