“That’s what I call getting ready for the Boogie.” A voice said, from the passenger side.

  Sitting up, Jane got a better look at the interior. The Van appeared to be from the Seventies, with ‘Fried Hockey Boogie’ playing on an 8-track. What she wasn’t expecting to see was some teenage girl wearing a large hood covering the top half of her face. The girl’s mouth was half-rotten to reveal a skeletal grin, while ominous green eyes glowed from the shade. Jane backed toward the rear doors.

  What is going on?

  “Hey, are you hungry? The Stranger asked. “Want something to eat?”

  ~Who are you?~ Jane said. ~What are you?~

  The Zombie girl gave her blonde driver a tap on the shoulder.

  “Hey, you never said anything about her being deaf.”

  “I never had a chance to!” Angrboda said. “You just said, and I quote: ‘She’s a tough one, let’s use her!’ ”

  “I do not recall using those words in that order.”

  “Why do you think we’re taking Mab on a recruitment drive?”

  . “Recruitment drive, I see what you did there, ‘cause of the whole driving thing. Also, it’s Queen Mab, let’s not forget ourselves.”

  “Can we just not, right now?”

  The hooded girl waved a dismissive hand.

  “Fine, fine. Let me talk to our guest.”

  “You mean hostage?”

  “Shh! She’ll hear you.”

  “You just said she was deaf!” Angrboda said, slightly annoyed.

  “Enough! No more talking casually for the next hour.”

  “As you request, my Leige”

  The Zombie girl turned back to Jane. “So, what we got here is…a failure in communicating.” An explosion of pink powder filled the Van, spreading brightly coloured smoke.

  [What was that?] Jane signed and was surprised to see those exact words float in mid-air.

  “Subtitles!” The Hooded girl said, raising her hands in triumph. “I assume you can read lips, or this is going to be a wasted effort.” Jane nodded. “Excellent. Now, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Bridget the Unliving. Yes, I’m a Zombie, or to be more precise…” Her clothes fluttered as if a wind drifted up from below. “…QUEEN of the Zombies!” A beat. Jane folded her arms. Bridget looked puzzled and leaned toward the driver. “She understood me, right?”

  Angrboda glanced at the rear view mirror.

  “I believe she is waiting to be impressed.”

  “Wow. Just wow.” Bridget said, turning around to kneel on the bench seat. “You’re in the presence of royalty; I think I deserve a bit more respect.”

  [You kidnapped me and haven’t told me where we are going]

  “Excuse me; I saved you from a great fall. So technically it isn’t a kidnapping but a rescue, although it’s still kinda of a kidnapping…in a good way, even though no such thing exists.”

  “Eloquently put, your Grace.”

  “I know, right? I couldn’t be clearer. I mean, what is up with this girl?”

  “Perhaps it would set her mind at ease if she knew the plan for today?” Angrboda said. “May I suggest we confer at the nearest restaurant specifically catered for rapid service?”

  “Talk about it while eating junk food?” Bridget said. “Grand idea, very grand.” Satisfied, she clapped her hands. “Right! Time to set the mood.” Slotting a new 8-track, ‘Barracuda’ by Heart was blasted from the speakers.

  The Driver shook her head. “This would be more appropriate if we were actually driving around in a Barracuda.”

  “Yeah, well, I have yet to find a song titled: ‘Creepy Van with a weird smell’.”

  ***

  Stopping in the car park of a Baseball stadium, the Zombie Queen was the first to exit, over a cascade of Pistachio shells. Once outside, Jane took a moment to study the paint scheme on the Van, where a Guitar-slinging Wizard fought an angry unicorn in front of Stonehenge.

  “Pretty Chay-Chay, if I don’t say so myself,” Bridget said, leaning in.

  “She means Cherry,” Angrboda said. “It’s a good thing.”

  Jane could not help but notice how dazzling the blonde girl looked. Her bright blue eyes sparkled with whirlpools of shimmering periwinkle. The long hair flowed off her back and twinkled like a newfound nebula. Bridget, on the other hand, had completely transformed. Gone were the rotting features, replaced with a haughty, yet clean-cut appearance, complete with long dark hair. Dressed in a Varsity Jacket, skirt and knee socks, she looked like any other High School Cheerleader from the Seventies.

  [How is this possible?]

  “A blanket spell,” Bridget said, tossing her long hair back. “It’s designed to mimic a simple human appearance. That’s how I’ve managed to avoid the demon Hypnos. Needless to say, in terms of relationships, I have been very lucky with this look.”

  [You dated? Did the other person know?]

  “Why ruin a good thing?” Bridget whispered. Jane felt like throwing up in her mouth. “Anyway, I was thinking this walk would look way cooler in slow motion. Continue the research!”

  “Once again, M’lady. There is no such thing as a slow motion spell. It would be far easier to walk at a slower pace.”

  Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

  “I can’t do that; everyone thinks I have Arthritis.”

  ***

  Lunch was a bowl of fried chicken and a simple hot dog from a Burger truck. Once served, they grabbed a place at one of the cheap, fold-up tables.

  “It’s true what they say,” Bridget said, eying the smooth, wet meat. “The skin is the best part.”

  “Literally no one says that.” Angrboda said, swallowing down the last of her bun. “Not once in the entire history of Human events.”

  “Well, they should, cos it is.”

  “That’s just your preference in Cannibal mode.”

  “Cannibal mode? Ooh, right, I’m still a human-looking.”

  “Please pay attention, my Leige. We can’t have another Halloween incident.”

  “But it was Halloween, so I had an excuse.”

  “That’s called luck. We only get one of those.”

  Jane tapped the table.

  [What am I doing here?]

  Bridget licked her fingers.

  “You were summoned because I thought you could be useful.” She said. "In Apnea, we value potential, especially those standing on the front lines. What does Hypnos offer, while slouching toward Olympus? Sermons and choirs in their stone houses of grief. All the while, the Empress does nothing, but ingests souls like poison, from unwritten futures.”

  [But why am I back on Earth?]

  ” The only way to steal you away from the Empress’ gaze is to hide in a completely different timeline.”

  “Think of it as being scouted,” Angrboda said.

  “I hear you seek two Beacons that will grant an invitation to the Palace,” Bridget said and pulled out an ancient scroll from her jacket. “This map and no other will guide you to their locations. You are desperate to get home, are you not?” Jane flattened the scroll and saw an ink map, with red crosses on two points. “Take it as a sign of good faith and absolute Radness on my part. Of course, you don’t have to decide now.” Bridget scanned around and quickly spotted the next target. Smiling, she picked more meat off the bone. “For the time being, our army expands. C’mon.”

  ***

  The three followed a surly teenage girl into the bowels of the stadium. After waiting five minutes outside the bathroom, they snuck in to find ‘Brenda the Grendel’ halfway through an interrogation, while two other girls kept watch.

  “You think just cos you’re outside of school. I can’t get to you?” Brenda said, raining spittle on the frightened child. “I know your folks are here, so that’s an easy twenty. You better hurry up and get the money.”

  “I...I don’t know how.” The girl stuttered, seemingly shrinking away.

  “Work it out, or I’ll work something out on you.”

  “Fix thine eyes below,” Bridget said, slowly emerging from the entrance. “For draweth near the river of blood, within which boiling is. Whoe’er by violence doth injure others. O blind cupidity, O wrath insane that spurs us onward in our short life and the eternal then so badly steeps us!” She bowed with a flourish. “A little bit of culture for you, Troglodytes.”

  The lesser mean girls stepped away and formed a human shield.

  Bridget held up her hands. “Remove thy weeds elsewhere. Begone.” The girls instantly became hypnotised and left the bathroom in a daze. Smiling, the disguised Zombie Queen gestured at the child to come to her side. Nervous at first, the girl edged away from Brenda and took a place behind her rescuer. “Go now and remember nothing of this incident.”

  The child shook her head and was surprised to find herself in the bathroom.

  “How did I get here?” She asked.

  “A simple call to nature. Be off, your family is waiting.”

  “Yeah, yeah…I guess.”

  Confused, the girl frowned and exited in a hurry.

  Brenda snorted indignantly. “I bet you think you’re hot stuff.”

  “Why yes, I do, thanks for asking.”

  “I can always get to her later; you’ve just made things worse.”

  “No, I don’t think I have,” Bridget said and pressed an index finger against the bully’s forehead. Paralysed, the surly girl could only widen her eyes in abject horror. “The biggest misconception is that bullies are cowards. In reality, bullies aren’t cowards, but psychos and thieves. They steal lives and, upon leaving school, forget about all the graves they created, not to mention the weeping families left behind. These agents of Chaos go on to live happy, happy lives and sometimes raise a family of their own. How in the world is that fair?”

  Angrboda looked back toward the door. “Highness, we don’t have much time.”

  Bridget traced a finger down Brenda’s neck. The flesh decayed in an instant like time-lapse footage, parting into an ashy grey hole with nothing inside.

  “We can’t have you making a noise while you enlist.” The Zombie said. Brenda’s eyes were drained of colour and slowly became burning pits of gold fire. The skin quickly lost all its texture and aged one hundred years. “Have mercy!” Bridget pressed her cheeks with her hand. “I think she would make a good Tank, no?”

  The Driver took a step back as if examining a new dress.

  “Right size, solid build. It could work.”

  “Wunderbar!”

  Bridget clicked her finger, and the mirrors were filled with rows upon rows of the dead.

  “ZOMBIES ASSEMBLE!” Angrboda shouted. The formation stamped loudly. “Your Queen has arrived.” Two stamps followed, perfectly in sync.

  Handing Brenda to the Driver, the body was passed over the threshold and collected by the dead on the other side. Satisfied, Bridget turned everything back to its original state.

  “Onto the next!” She said.

  [The next?]

  “This list is not gonna fill itself,” Bridget said, waving a piece of paper. “You see that crowd out there? Not just bullies, but the worst criminal elements: Abusers, con artists, those who prey on the weak.”

  [Are you just murdering people?]

  “We like to think of it as an idiot tax,” Angrboda said. “Flushing away the bad, while building an army. Everyone wins.”

  “You’re welcome to join, as a guest I mean, not a recruit,” Bridget said. Jane looked away. “Or we could just send you back to whatever hunting ground you were busy with. Not exactly the same place, that would be cruel.”

  [I’d like that.]

  With a deep sigh, Zombie Queen pulled out a pebble

  “Here. Catch.”

  Jane caught it and, upon opening her hand, she found the pebble was gone. Looking up, the girl was surprised to see herself back at the summit of Eerie Mountain.

  ***

  Not wanting to hang around, Jane took the torch and ventured into the open. She eyeballed the Warthog carcass lying dead next to the cliff; its large tongue hung from a mouth venting toxic gases. Jane stepped away and kicked the pig out of spite. Now the threat was gone, she looked around for an exit. Somewhere near the back stood a large Porcelain bowl filled with some yellow powder. Jane shrugged and placed the torch inside. Almost immediately, she was met with a twirling cloud of mustard coloured smoke which snaked out from the bowl. Whatever it was, caused an iron door to slide up and reveal a tunnel exiting out onto the grassy verge, where a Zip-line led straight down into the forest. Jane sank to her knees, as relief poured out of her. It was finally over; this crazy world had not claimed her yet.

  She fed her hands into the leather hoops, took a breath and launched herself off the edge. Every sharp turn and curve brought on tiny pin-pricks of excitement. Jane could feel herself picking up speed past sunlit hills and streams which cut through a snowy bank of trees. The aerial runway took her over tree tops, dry canyons and a small river, which wound around the middle of a grassy plain. Down, down, down she went, feeling the excitement light up her insides. On approach, the wire curled upward, allowing her to slow down and drop onto a deck. Descending the platform, she was met with two familiar figures on horseback.

  “Well, old man,” Isaac said, “Did she pass the test?”

  “I have never seen the like. Can you translate?”

  “Of course.”

  Puffles leaned forward on his horse. “Well, young lady. I have to say, you have outdone yourself. So, in accordance with our ancient laws, you are free to go. However, if you are tired of running, I can offer you a chance to stand tall in the face of danger. It won’t be easy, but I guarantee all that pain will be worth it.” He turned his horse and trotted off. “If you feel up to the challenge, look for a stone bridge by the Temple Ruins. Come by sundown or learn to live in fear.”