I took a deep breath before knocking on Joy's door, the small pot of healing cream heavy in my pocket.

  "Come in," Joy's voice filtered through the wood, muted but clear.

  I found her sitting on the bed with her arms curled around her legs. Cotton sheets rustled beneath her as she shifted her weight, the sound unnaturally loud in the silence between us. She looked up as I shut the door behind me and walked closer.

  "I wanted to apologize," she said before I could speak. Her fingers plucked at the edge of the sheet. "For using you at the market today. And Jacobi. I shouldn't have manipulated you both into being part of my plan."

  I moved closer, surprised by her directness. "You don't need to apologize for that."

  "I do." Her gaze dropped to her hands. "I used you as bait just as much as I used myself. Put you both in danger without telling you. That wasn't fair."

  "We would have gone along with it anyway," I offered with a slight smile.

  Her mouth twitched. "I still think I did the right thing at the market. I just should have told you both first."

  "You trusted us to follow your lead. That counts for something."

  Joy's expression tightened. "I hate that we're going back with nothing. All this for nothing. No sign of Ellah, and Marcelo still out there somewhere." Her voice was flat, but I could hear the frustration beneath it.

  I gave her a half smile, trying to be reassuring. "We won't stop looking. But Ross is right—we need to regroup, gather resources. The Velez estate is safer for you right now."

  "Safe," she repeated, the word sounding like a curse on her lips. She glanced toward the window. "I didn't come here to be safe. I came here for Ellah."

  I moved closer, feeling the weight of her disappointment. "And we'll find her. You have my word."

  "I do need to have a look at that back before we leave in the morning." I fished the small pot of cream from my pocket, the glass container cool against my fingertips.

  Joy nodded once, accepting but unconvinced. I hesitated, remembering what had happened days earlier with the muscle liniment. The way she'd clawed at her own skin, desperate to remove the sensation that had triggered memories of Marcelo's torture. I couldn't risk causing that kind of reaction again.

  "This is different from the muscle salve," I said, my voice gentle but firm. "It might sting, but it's for healing the open wound. Would you like to smell it first? Make sure it won't... remind you of anything?"

  Joy's eyes met mine, understanding passing between us without words. She nodded once, her jaw tight. I opened the small pot carefully and held it where she could catch its scent without it being overwhelming. She leaned forward slightly, inhaled, then pulled back with a tiny nod.

  "It's fine," she said. "Nothing like... the other one." The relief in her voice was palpable, though she tried to hide it. "Let's just get it over with."

  She shifted forward on the bed, turning her back to me as she wordlessly removed her cotton top and sat topless on the bed. The fabric whispered against her skin as she pulled it over her head, revealing the pale curve of her spine. My mouth went dry. I kneeled on the bed lightly, the mattress dipping beneath my weight as I moved up behind her. Thank gods she was facing away from me. Heat bloomed across my face and traveled down my body, a flush that settled into an ache I didn't want her to see. I didn't want her to think I was judging her or embarrassed of her. That was far from the truth. The expanse of her back was both invitation and warning, beautiful and damaged. She glanced over her shoulder, and I could see the hesitation in her eyes.

  "How is it?" She turned away quickly as her gaze caught a glimpse of the brand.

  I kept my expression clear, trying to maintain professional detachment, but it was nearly impossible when it was Joy as my patient. The brand was an angry red, the edges still weeping clear fluid, the skin around it inflamed and hot. I moved my hand an inch over the brand and held it there, feeling heat rise between my palm and her skin, like some invisible current connecting us. Joy hissed through her teeth and I dropped my hand immediately, concern flooding through me. "Did that hurt? I wasn't even touching you."

  "I think I could feel the heat from your hand. It didn't hurt, it was just...a surprise."

  I frowned, thinking as I looked at the brand on her shoulder. "Can I try something?"

  "Of course," she agreed immediately, no hesitation in her voice.

  "Close your eyes," I instructed and she nodded as she did so. Her lashes fluttered against her cheeks.

  A half smile came to my face as she obeyed my requests without question. No wonder Jacobi enjoyed that feeling. The power of it sent a strange thrill through me that I hadn't expected. I brought my hand out, holding it over the center of Joy's back, not quite touching the skin.

  "Tell me if you feel this."

  She nodded, and I moved my hand over her skin, never making contact, but now hyper-aware of the heat radiating from her. She didn't react as I slowly explored her back without touching. I shifted on the bed, trying to move into a more comfortable position. The mattress dipped and creaked beneath us. I hadn't realized that being so close to a half-naked Joy would be so difficult.

  The heat under my fingertips grew stronger and I looked down to see that I'd ventured closer to the wound on Joy's shoulder. I leaned forward, my breath surely ghosting over her skin. "Can you feel that?"

  Joy nodded very slightly, and swallowed, the sound audible in the quiet room. "Yes." She let out a soft sigh that sent shivers down my spine. "It's okay, it doesn't hurt."

  I nodded, even knowing that she couldn't see me, and rested my free hand on her other shoulder lightly. Her skin was cool and smooth beneath my palm, a stark contrast to the fevered heat of the brand. "This might hurt more now, if so, I'm sorry."

  "I can handle it. I know it's you." The trust in her voice made something twist inside me, both warm and sharp at once.

  My fingers hovered over the raw wound, the heat from her skin distracting. I tried to focus on my heartbeat to calm myself but no calmness came. My heart hammered in my chest like a war drum. I traced my fingers over the lines of the brand, never touching the skin, but I watched the muscles in Joy's neck twitch as she bit down on her lip.

  She let out a held breath in a long sigh and suddenly her shoulder jerked back, pressing into my hovering hand. My fingers pressed against the brand before I could pull away. I sucked in a sharp breath and pulled my hand back as Joy's eyes flew open and she opened her mouth in a low cry of pain. The sound changed into a growl as Joy spun around on the bed, shoving me down onto my back. She grabbed my wrists and held me down, swinging one leg over to straddle me. The sudden movement pushed the air from my lungs, replacing it with the searing awareness of her weight settled against my hips.

  I looked up at Joy to see a dark look in her eyes as she looked down at me, and I questioned if she was actually seeing me in that moment or if she was having some sort of flashback. The growl deepened in her chest, vibrating through both our bodies, the sound traveling straight through me like a current. She leaned down to me, her hands holding my wrists down on either side of my head, her face inches from mine. Her breath caressed my skin, warm and rapid. Every nerve in my body sang with awareness of her proximity, of the places where our skin connected. I swallowed hard and looked up at her, struggling to keep my thoughts coherent. "Joy. I am sorry, that was an accident. Joy, sweetie..."

  Her eyes moved to look at the wrists she held and she slid her hands down my arms slowly, her claw tips leaving thin red lines in my skin. The sharp sting of it sent a jolt through me that wasn't entirely unpleasant.

  "This wasn't an accident." Her voice was low, almost musical in its threatening tone.

  Briefly I wondered if anyone was close by and within hearing distance if I was to shout. Joy would certainly be able to gut me in the time it took anyone to arrive, if that was her mood. As it was, her mood was very difficult to place. It could have been the fact that she was sitting on me which was entirely distracting, her weight pressing me into the mattress, but although she had reacted aggressively at the touch on her wound, she hadn't continued immediately with an attack, and that gave me hope.

  "Joy," I wasn't sure how far into her Naerithi side she had gone, but I might have a chance of bringing her back still. "I didn't mean to hurt you, I would never do that."

  Joy tilted her head, her eyes hidden by the shadows cast by her arms. "Well, that's a pity," she murmured, her voice a silken threat that sent a shiver down my spine.

  I hesitantly moved my hands, and almost immediately Joy clamped her hands down on my wrists again, pushing them back onto the bed before sliding her hands up my arms until her claws were dragging lightly down the top of my chest.

  "Joy," I sighed, licking my lips quickly. My mouth had gone dry. "You need to let me up, please, or this is going to get real embarrassing for both of us."

  She flexed her claws, digging the tips of them into my chest lightly and I let out a soft hiss of pain. The sharp points broke just the surface of the skin, tiny pinpricks of sensation that sent heat coursing through me. A sliver of concern cut through my desire—was this truly Joy's wish, or another twisted response forced on her by Marcelo's conditioning? I'd seen how the liniment had triggered an automatic physical reaction in her that she'd hated, one that made her claw at her own skin in desperation. What if this was just another response she'd been trained to perform?

  Joy leaned down again, her lips brushing against my ear, her breath warm and damp. "Does it seem like I have any intention of letting you go right now?" She let out an amused chuckle that vibrated through my entire body. "Do you know what I can feel?"

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  "...Joy—" I struggled to think clearly, torn between responding to her and making sure she was truly acting of her own volition.

  "Your heartbeat."

  I swallowed as she lay her head on my chest lightly. The weight of her against me was both comforting and terrifying. Her voice moved from teasing to serious, "I have spent the better part of this week being treated like a glass object who could break at any time, and before that..." She paused, and I could feel her body tense. "Pain is one thing, but that was being tortured. Selwyn, I don't want anything from you right now, I just need to be—" She paused as a sob broke through her voice before she could stop it, and she cleared her throat. The sound cracked something in my chest, and with it, some of my worry dissolved. This wasn't a performance—this was Joy reaching for control in the only way she knew how. "—I need to be somewhere I feel safe."

  The honesty in her voice reassured me. This was her choice. Her initiative. Not some programmed response forced on her by that monster.

  "And that's on top of me?" The question came out before I could stop it, rougher than I intended, my voice betraying me.

  "I feel many things sitting on top of you, Selwyn, but yes, safe is one of them." Her joking tone returned as she grinned down at me and wiggled her hips with a chuckle. The movement sent liquid fire coursing through my veins, and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from making a sound that would embarrass us both.

  My hands immediately reached down to grasp her by the hips and stop the movement. The firm warmth of her under my palms sent a jolt through me, her skin impossibly soft beneath my calloused fingers. I fought the urge to dig my fingers in deeper, to pull her closer rather than hold her still. This time she didn't try to stop me, but watched me with a sly smirk that made my heart stutter in my chest. Her eyes were knowing, almost predatory.

  "Was Clover right about you, Selwyn? Do you have dark desires?" Her eyes caught what little light filtered through the window, gleaming like tarnished silver in the darkness.

  I frowned as my mind grasped for sense in what Joy was saying. Right now I could barely concentrate on who Clover was, let alone something she'd said. The feel of Joy's skin under my hands consumed my attention.

  I didn't answer, looking up at her in the darkness. The fading light of the day had all but dropped away, leaving us covered in the shadows of night. The dark emboldened me, shadows wrapping around us like a protective cocoon, hiding the hunger that must have been written plainly across my face. The darkness promised safety and the night did not judge desires that daylight would condemn.

  My hands slid over her hips, up her sides, every inch of contact sending sparks across my skin. I traced the curve where her waist narrowed, feeling the subtle shift of muscle beneath. My thumbs brushed the undersides of her breasts before continuing their path down her arms until I held my hands over hers on my chest.

  "I couldn't begin to fathom what you've been put through. I do, however, understand that feeling. Wanting to grab hold of your life, and yourself, and to be the one in charge again, to be making the decisions, in control."

  The sliver of moonlight was enough for me to see her outline as Joy nodded in the darkness. A lock of her white hair fell forward, casting more shadows across her face.

  "I get it, sweetie, I do. You have been hurt and you need to hurt the world back to find yourself again. You'll be told it's self-destructive and you'll push it down, push it away, and you'll try to ignore that gnawing need inside you to lash out, and it'll only grow, and build up within you, and when you do finally give into it, you will lash out at the wrong person, at the wrong time, and you will hurt someone you never wanted to, and you won't feel better at all. Healing isn't a straight line, and you don't need to follow a normal path to feel better."

  I fell silent, taking a deep breath in after that sudden outpouring. The familiar taste of night air, tinged with the medicinal smell of the healing cream, filled my lungs. I hadn't expected to unleash all that at her, but the last thing I wanted was someone else getting caught in the crossfire, and that resulting in Joy getting into any more trouble.

  Her hesitant voice came to me through the darkness. "How then?"

  Her claws flexed against my chest and I smiled to myself, even knowing that she wouldn't be able to see it. Marcelo had dragged us all through a terrifying situation, and if the way to help Joy out of that aligned with my own desires, well that was just a bonus. I gently pushed on her hands so that the claws dug further into my skin. The sharp pinpricks of pain blossomed into something intoxicating.

  "You were the one who brought up pain before, I think you already know," My voice was rough, like stones dragged across silk, barely recognizable as my own. I was grateful for the night for shielding me from her eyes, for hiding what must be written clearly across my face—the hunger, the need, the darkness I usually kept buried. "Take it all out on me."

  The words hung between us, laden with meanings I wasn't sure I was ready to acknowledge. The offer wasn't entirely selfless. The thought of her marking me, claiming me, using me to exorcise her demons sent heat pooling low in my belly. But even as I made the offer, I watched her carefully. I needed to know that any step she took was for herself, not because of what that bastard had conditioned her to do or feel. I wouldn't be another person taking advantage of her vulnerability, no matter how my body ached for her touch.

  I heard the sharp intake of her breath—a quick, hissing sound—and I stayed silent, acutely aware of every place our bodies connected. The weight of her against my hips. The heat of her skin beneath my hands. The subtle shift of her chest as she breathed. We'd danced around each other and this topic for far too long. Out of respect for my brother I'd stayed back, I had seen the way that Jacobi watched Joy, but I'd never made a move to pursue her. I had been happy to sit back in the shadows and let Jacobi have a fair chance, but I knew that what Joy needed right now was different to what my brother could offer.

  Joy's mindset this evening, her references to pain, and then finally the way she'd moved her shoulder back into me, I'd known immediately that it hadn't been an accident, or a muscle twitch. Joy was feeling pain and she needed to learn how to externalize that, or all she would do is take more pain on herself. We'd seen that already—her smashing the mirror in her bathroom, the way she'd disconnected from her body when triggered by the liniment. Tonight felt different. Tonight she was reaching out, seeking something more active than mere comfort. I felt Joy's hand twitch under mine and I moved my hands away, resting them up beside my head. I wanted this to be entirely directed by her. She needed to be in control of something in her life, and if that something had to be me, I was willing to take on that role for her.

  "I didn't know you understood, about the pain, I mean." Her voice was soft, almost wondering.

  "Let me help, Joy. I guarantee there isn't anything you could do that would scare me away." The words fell from my lips with absolute certainty. I meant them.

  "Stop me, if it's too much." There was vulnerability in her tone, a question.

  I didn't respond and she pressed a single claw harder against my chest and then stopped. The sharp point dimpled my skin, a focused point of exquisite pressure.

  "Wait. Take this off." She moved her hands to tug on the bottom of my shirt. The fabric bunched under her fingers, her claws catching on the material. Her knuckles brushed against the skin of my stomach, leaving trails of fire in their wake.

  "I don't care if you shred it, Joy." The thought of her claws tearing through the fabric sent a thrill through me, a dark fantasy I hadn't known I harbored until this moment.

  "My brother might."

  "My brother might too." I could practically hear her thinking over that comment as I sat up as much as I could with my hips pinned under her. The movement brought our faces inches apart, her breath mingling with mine for one dizzying moment before I pulled the shirt over my head. When I lay back down, the night air kissed my bare skin, raising goosebumps everywhere it touched. But it wasn't the cold that made my skin pebble with awareness—it was her gaze, traveling over my exposed chest like a physical caress.

  She chuckled softly as I lay back down, the sound warm and rich, vibrating through both our bodies where we connected. "Which one would you be more scared of?"

  A grin slipped onto my face and I sighed softly, "Both are probably equally deadly when it comes to—"

  She shifted her hips on mine, a deliberate, torturous movement that cut off my thought mid-sentence. Heat seared through me, pooling low in my belly and stealing my ability to form coherent thoughts. Every muscle in my body tensed with the effort not to respond in kind. "Do you want me to move?"

  "Hm?" It was the most coherent sound I could manage, my mind a haze of sensation and want.

  Her voice took on the lyrical teasing tone that I'd missed, though now it carried a new edge that sliced straight through me. "Do you want me to get off?"

  The double meaning wasn't lost on me, despite my current state. I forced myself to take a deep breath, which was a mistake—it only filled my lungs with her scent, maddening in its closeness. "Joy, sweetie, I don't know how to answer either of those questions appropriately."

  I felt her shift as she leaned forward on me again, her hair brushing against my chest, the silken strands dragging across my skin. Her face hovered above mine, close enough that I could feel the heat of her breath. "Feel free to be inappropriate then."

  The invitation in her voice was unmistakable, and for one dizzying moment I imagined closing that small distance between us, capturing her lips with mine, rolling us over so I could press her into the mattress beneath me. I let out a soft sigh, torn on how to approach this. I wanted her—gods, how I wanted her—and by this point I was certain she could feel the evidence of that desire against her. But after all she'd been through lately...

  "Relax." Her voice broke through my thoughts, gentle as a feather against my skin. Her expression softened, vulnerability replacing the teasing glint in her eyes. "I'm just teasing. I don't think I could deal with...that, at the moment, not after Marcelo..."

  She trailed off, all but confirming what we had held back from asking her. We skirted around the question when talking about what she'd been through, and Joy hadn't volunteered any details for what she'd endured. The mention of his name made something dark and hungry unfurl inside me, a possessive rage that surprised me with its intensity. The thought of his hands on her, hurting her, made me want to tear him apart with my bare hands.

  I rubbed my hand over her shoulder lightly, careful to avoid the physical wounds that remained. Her skin was silk under my fingertips. "As I said, whatever you need me for, I am here."

  I could feel Joy's tension growing as Marcelo had been brought to the front of her mind. Her muscles tightened beneath my touch. I bit my lip lightly, tasting salt.

  "Joy, take it out on me, don't hold it inside, whether you need to talk about it or not, get it out one way or another."

  The words came from a place of understanding. After what happened with the muscle liniment days ago—the way she'd panicked, clawed at her own skin, how I'd had to physically restrain her to keep her from hurting herself—I knew the depth of what she was struggling with. I knew the way trauma could burrow deep, only to surface at the slightest trigger. That day, I'd told her to "go away," understanding her need to mentally escape. Today, I was offering her something different—a way to face it, to expel it through me.

  I swore inwardly as she climbed off me, sitting next to me on the bed. The mattress shifted with her weight. I hadn't wanted her to withdraw further, but she reached a hand back to me and grasped my wrist tightly. Her fingers were cool and strong.

  "Will you stay with me tonight?" The uncertainty in her voice crushed my heart, squeezing it like a vise. "I mean, just...stay?"

  I nodded in the darkness and stroked the back of her hand lightly with mine. "Only if you let me do the ointment on your back. The last thing I want is for you to get sick."

  "Okay," She lay down beside me, her back facing me and a small happy sigh escaped her. The sound traveled straight to my core.

  With a grin, I sat behind her and gently started to apply the healing ointment while Joy breathed through the pain of my fingers dragging across the open wound on her back. Each time I touched the brand, she would tense, her breath hitching, but she never pulled away. Her trust in me was a physical weight, a responsibility I took seriously.

  Afterwards I lay against her back, careful not to disturb the wound, and she wound her legs between mine. The feeling of our limbs intertwined was both innocent and deeply intimate, a different kind of closeness than the charged moments before, but no less potent. The smooth skin of her legs against mine, the curve of her body fitting perfectly against my chest, the tickle of her hair against my nose—each sensation burned itself into my memory.

  I lay awake long after she'd finally fallen asleep, just listening to her breathing, slow and steady, feeling her laying so close to me. Every subtle shift of her body against mine sent ripples of awareness through me.

  My body still hummed with unfulfilled desire, but there was a deeper satisfaction in being trusted this way, in being chosen as her sanctuary. I pressed my lips gently to the crown of her head, allowing myself that one small indulgence.

  Jacobi was going to kill me, but this was absolutely worth it.