Chapter 4

  Azul

  It could have gone worse, the rational side of Azul, which sounded like suspiciously like Jade, chimed in his head.

  “It. Could. Have gone. Better,” Azul growled, snatching up his hat from the floor, where it had apparently been his entire meeting with Yuu.

  “Talking to yourself, Boss? Know what they say about people who do that….” Floyd smarmed his way into the room, poorly timed, as per usual.

  Azul tapped his schedule open on his phone, ensuring there was definitely something he needed to get to that was more important than eviscerating the eel.

  Not a thing, he realized in surprise. Yuu is efficient. He had at least ten minutes before Lethal Botany.

  “Floyd,” Azul clipped, preparing to leave. “We find ourselves in need of a wedding gift. A Grand one.”

  “You say Grand like it has a capital ‘g,’” Floyd said suspiciously.

  “Because it does. Find something rare. And useful. And pretty.”

  “And Grand?” Floyd put the ‘g’ in air quotes.

  “Exactly,” Azul approved. “And do not bring me a piano. It should be something tasteful, moderately expensive, and something that a young wedded couple can actually use.”

  Floyd smirked. “Why, Boss? Got nuptial plans the rest of us aren’t aware of? I didn’t know you and Yuu—”

  “Button it, Floyd. Jade will fill you in. I’m off to learn how not to kill things with plants…or the reverse….as needed.”

  Floyd held up his hands in surrender. “Have it your way, Boss! Online purchase okay?”

  Azul groaned. “No time. It will have to be something close to home. See what we have in the room of confiscated goods.”

  “Oooh, somebody’s losing an heirloom today?”

  “Just look,” Azul snapped, on the way out of the room.

  The day passed in a flood of appointments, hurriedly rescheduled meetings, and coursework. By the end of the day, Azul had swallowed a mountain of information, and put out a mountain of orders, and yet, his suit was unprepared, the wedding gift was still unselected, and he had no idea how they would meet the month’s quota, much less get the bad publicity offline before the eyes of the underwater world were once again on his business.

  He prepared for bed in the usual way, retiring late, but despite his desperate need for rest, sleep refused to penetrate through his mental wall of stress.

  Staring at the canopy of his four-poster bed, a ‘ding’ sounded from his phone. Floyd and Jade knew not to message him at this hour unless a truly dire emergency was occurring. Curious, he peered at the screen in the dark.

  Yuu had sent him a little video of a sheep-herder trying to corral cats with a stage hook.

  After some pause, and a small smile, he responded.

  Azul: You’re up late. Was that meant to come to me?

  Yuu: It’s how I feel about the next three days. Too much to get done.

  Azul: I admit, I’m also starting to see why human weddings have more of an advance.

  Yuu: Mhm.

  She followed that with another message containing a picture of a young man being trampled by cats.

  Relatable, he thought.

  Azul: I’ve been meaning to ask. What is tupperware?

  Yuu: Durable containers. And, no. If she’s going to do this to me last notice, I’m going to get her something with more personality.

  Azul: Such as?

  Yuu: I don’t know. I don’t know where they’re going to live, so anything I think of seems useless. And then I thought of the things I WANT to give her, and they all just seemed…. Inappropriate.

  Azul: Such as?

  Yuu: A picture of me for their family wall? A saucy apron? A large supply of lemons and butter?

  Azul snorted, his fingers already flying over the keys.

  Azul: All entertaining, but definitely all declarations of war. Especially that last one.

  Yuu: Well, what are you getting them, o scheming overlord? A monogrammed breadpan?

  Azul: That’s privileged information.

  Yuu: Meaning you haven’t picked one yet.

  Azul: Meaning I am still considering my many options.

  Yuu: You could give them a contract disguised as a gift.

  Azul: Funny.

  Yuu: I really am. So. Formal wear, you said? Do you think anyone will notice if I just show up in my dorm uniform?

  Azul: Yes. Me. I will notice. And I will personally throw you out.

  Yuu: How cruel. Here, I thought you were the spirit of hospitality.

  Azul: Wear some kind of dress, Yuu. But you should also be prepared to get wet.

  Yuu: Formal gowns don’t come in swimsuit versions, but my emotions are prepared.

  Azul: Well we’d hate to get your emotions wet.

  Yuu: What are YOU wearing, then?

  Azul: I have options, but I’m concerned my impeccable taste may intimidate the other guests.

  Yuu: Azul. Just wear a suit. You have several.

  Azul: Exactly. Should I go for “respectable businessman” or “mysterious gentleman with questionable motives?”

  Yuu: Considering how you claim people feel about you being there, I’d go with “trying his best not to get thrown out.”

  Azul: The grey one, it is.

  Yuu: Bravo. We’ll be decently dressed. We’ll be on best behavior. What could go wrong?

  Azul: Define “best.”

  Yuu: Azul.

  Azul: Fine, fine. No trouble.

  Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.

  Azul: ...Unless someone else starts it. ??

  Yuu sent a laughing emoji, and eventually, her texts slowed until they stopped. To Azul's surprise, he found himself…relaxing? It had happened quicker than usual, but already, he felt the lethargy of the day creeping through his limbs, and the stress of the endless to do’s were seeming less daunting. Before he could do anything more that he might have done before sleeping—checking his investments, researching stocks, reviewing notes and schedules, his eyes had closed.

  *

  The following day, only two days until the wedding, Azul threw himself into his coursework with abandon. It was preposterous how much effort him leaving for a single evening was creating for him. Jade, efficient as usual, had already procured a hacker skilled enough to take down any bad publicity online, but Floyd’s lewd foodie photos had spread quite far, and the timetable was going to be tight. His classes went perfectly as usual, his marks as high as they could be, to the hundredth percentile. The Mostro lounge required cleaning, which he and his eight arms assisted with when his shift came to call. Azul was worth five workers in the kitchen when things got busy, but it cost him just as much energy.

  He missed lunch on purpose to stay ahead, and began researching the guest list to the wedding that the hacker had also acquired for him.

  It was an auspicious list, to be sure. Potions dealers, ingredient shippers, and even the farmers themselves had been invited. The entire Banejaw family, his mother, half of the noble class in Atlantica, and even the leech twins’ parents were due to be present.

  He meticulously memorized every face and name that he could. This was going to me the networking event of the year. Perhaps his mother had been right to encourage him to have an escort. He would look suspicious mingling with that many professionals alone.

  When the lunch rush at the Mostro lounge died down, he was served with news that not one, but three of the appliances in the lounge kitchens had failed. Any free time he was due to have—which was none at all—was taken while he dismantled and fixed them himself.

  By the time evening rolled around, Azul was well and truly exhausted. His body had nothing left to give. He ate the first food he’d had that day without tasting it, his body hardly able to move, and his mind still racing over names and faces. Overwhelmed and aching, he found himself reaching for his phone, to mitigate yet another problem.

  Azul: It’s come to my mind an answer to one of your questions back in my office.

  Yuu: Yes?

  Azul: I’ve recalled some….differences between our traditions. Human vs. Merfolk.

  Yuu: I’m all ears.

  Azul: A proper merfolk wedding will involve the exchange of enchanted seashells instead of rings.

  Yuu: Oh? And what do these enchanted seashells do?

  Azul: They carry the voice of your beloved. When held to your ear, you’ll always hear them.

  Yuu: Okay, that’s actually kinda sweet.

  Azul: Of course, if the relationship ends poorly, the shell is ceremoniously crushed to sever the bond.

  Yuu: Aaand there it is. The built-in divorce feature.

  Azul: Wouldn’t you like that? Instead of paperwork, you just dramatically smash something.

  Yuu: You’re not wrong. That does sound satisfying.

  Azul: Exactly.

  Yuu: Still, I can’t imagine you wanting your voice trapped in a shell for someone.

  Azul: Oh, certainly not. If someone wanted to hear my voice constantly, I’d expect a proper contract and compensation.

  Yuu: Azul, you win.

  Azul: I usually do, but at what, exactly?

  Yuu: That is the least romantic thing I have ever heard from anyone. I’m floored. I’m stunned. My flabbers are GHASTED.

  Azul: I didn’t understand all of those euphemisms, but I’m taking it as a compliment.

  Azul: So you know what to expect, a sea witch usually blesses the wedding to ensure prosperity.

  Yuu: Let me guess—you played that role once, didn’t you?

  Azul: Twice.

  Yuu: And let me guess again—you charged them.

  Azul: Obviously.

  Yuu: I knew it. You are exactly the type to look a couple in the eye, tell them, “Your love will be eternal,” and then charge them a month’s salary.

  Azul: *Oh, please. I wouldn’t be so cheap.

  Yuu: So this wedding will likely have a very expensive, very wordy sea witch.

  Azul: Most likely.

  Yuu: Were you going to warn me of anything else? Or is everything else the same?

  Azul: Ah, yes. You might want to avoid eating too much at this wedding.

  Yuu: You might feel like skipping meals is a fast track to success, Azul, but you’d be hard-pressed to keep me from dinner.

  Azul: Wedding feasts are enchanted. The more you eat, the more likely you are to get caught in the couple’s love magic.

  Yuu: Mallory wouldn’t….actually, she would.

  Yuu: Hang on, are you making that up?

  Azul: Am I?

  Azul: Believe what you will. But if you suddenly find yourself flinging advances at the nearest merman.

  Yuu: Nah, I’m safe. If that were real, you’d be out here buying enchanted catering services for business purposes.

  Azul: …Now that IS an idea.

  Yuu: Besides. I trust you to keep me from anything magically toxic.

  Azul: Me? Why?

  Yuu: You’re my date. So guess who the nearest merman is?

  Azul: Point spectacularly taken.

  Yuu: Rude.

  Azul leaned back from his phone and tapped at the screen some more, waiting, until another text from Yuu pinged in.

  Yuu: I promise not to embarrass us both and fling myself at any present merman. If I do, I expect you to physically restrain me, and drag me from the event, with my hearty consent. Yes?

  Azul: I’d rather it not come to that.

  Yuu: What? And I thought it sounded so fun. So classy. Definitely good for my reputation.

  Azul: Shall I keep telling you what to expect?

  Yuu: Sorry. Please. Carry on.

  Azul: Another thing: some merfolk cultures require the betrothed to complete a trial together before the ceremony. A test of survival and teamwork.

  Yuu: "swim across dangerous waters, fight a sea beast, endure the crushing depths”

  Azul: More or less. It ensures the pair can rely on each other in the worst conditions.

  Yuu: And if they fail?

  Azul: Then clearly, they weren’t meant to be.

  Yuu: Wow, okay. Imagine planning a whole wedding, sending out invitations, and then finding out last minute you failed the pre-marriage boss fight.

  Azul: To be fair, your traditions seem equally tedious. Walking down aisles, standing in front of an audience, the speeches…

  Yuu: Which one sounds worse: an hour-long ceremony, or an underwater trial of death?

  Azul: …It depends on the guest list.

  Yuu: …

  Yuu: I think you have a point. Speaking of which, why is Mal terrified of the guest list?

  Azul: It is quite vast.

  Yuu: I’ll be asking you more about that later. Alright, what’s the mer-version of the bouquet toss?

  Azul: The couple releases a school of enchanted fish into the crowd.

  Yuu: And?

  Azul: Whoever catches the flashiest one is next to be married.

  Yuu: Wait—so your people are out here diving after fish in the middle of a wedding?

  Azul: Correct.

  Yuu: That sounds so chaotic.

  Azul: It’s a good way to test one’s reflexes. And commitment.

  Yuu: So if you just stand back and don’t try at all, it means you’re safe?

  Azul: In theory. But the couple might take pity and throw one directly at you.

  Yuu: Suddenly, I like this tradition. What happens to the person who catches the ugliest fish?

  Azul: So glad you asked. That person has to kiss the ugliest person in the room.

  Yuu: Now I KNOW you’re lying.

  Azul: Am I? Try it. :)

  Azul: Another tradition: after the wedding, the couple must depart dramatically. The grander the exit, the more prosperous their union will be.

  Yuu: I’m almost afraid to ask.

  Azul: Oh, the usual. A sea chariot pulled by dolphins. Vanishing into the depths amidst a cloud of bioluminescent plankton. Being carried away by a tidal current.

  Yuu: You’re telling me merfolk will just— yeet themselves into the waves and let the ocean decide their honeymoon?

  Azul: Essentially, yes.

  Yuu: That is the most chaotic thing I’ve ever heard.

  Azul: It’s meant to symbolize trust in the tides of fate.

  Yuu: It sounds like a fast track to drowning.

  Azul: If you drown, then clearly the marriage wasn’t meant to last.

  Yuu: What are the chances that Mallory, a very human woman, survives her own wedding?

  Azul: She is your friend. You tell me.

  Yuu: Those poor waves won’t know what hit them.

  Azul’s attention was yanked discourteously from his phone when Floyd came bursting into the room.

  “Boss!” he declared, presenting Azul with a lumpy item under a sheet. “I’ve found the perfect wedding present!

  He whipped the fabric off with flair as he presented the item.

  “Oh dear…” Azul groaned.

  “A monogrammed breadpan!”