Kill You [Parody]

  Sonic walks through the dark streets as he eats a chili-dog.

  Sonic: That's why they call me Slim Shady. I'm back. I'm back.

  Just then, Bean, Jet, Bark, and Vector all surround him.

  Sonic: … Look, I'm in a mood tonight. Just say what you say when you sayin' it if ya don't want me to be sprayin' it.

  Jet: Looky here! Another white-boy rapper thinks he can steal the game.

  Sonic looks down, then back up.

  Sonic: I'm blue, tool!

  Bark: All talk and no bite, I say. Bean?

  Bean: Hmph! Yeah. Just another little, autistic freak.

  Bean hits Sonic face, barely moving him. Sonic then calmly looks at him with wide eyes.

  Sonic: You don't want this, man.

  Vector: You're right. We want some of that money. Give it up, quick!

  They all hit him as Vector holds his arms back and he gives them a wild look.

  Sonic: You Don't Want This, Man! You Don't Want This!!

  Bark: Screw it! Shoot 'im, Bean.

  Bean: Gladly.

  Jet: What?!

  As Bean reaches for his revolver, Sonic frees himself and aims his own handgun at Bean faster than any of them can notice and time freezes.

  Sonic: (When I was a little rogue, Sega used to tell me some crazy things. Said if I could go super mode, then I could sell, or do, anything. Then, I got older and saw that he was the crazy one. Only wanted cash, and now I'm not their favorite son)

  *BANG* Bean drops dead as the others run. Sonic, angry, shoots his body two more times. He then dashes in front of Jet, letting him run the other way so that he can follow him, knowing that he could've gone faster, and the music starts up.

  Sonic: Jet the Hawk can suck my caulk {Call-k}! Sorry. PG police robbed me of shock. Say I can't say “Caulk” no more. Ain't said I can't rock no more! So, how about this, cuck? Jet the flunk can suck a kinda duck that clucks. That schmuck can stuff my nuts in his butt. Say what?! I'm not gay. I'm a straight, I ain't went astray. I'll make this ghost writer toast today! Like Jet, I'll make him jet and pay!

  Shadow: You think just 'cause you got attacked you a piece of innocent venison? Don't gimme that crap! You just wanna be killin' his irritant, arrogant, repugnant mug with a shrug like You a thug.

  Sonic: I Get To Defend Myself!

  Shadow: Already did, but ya can't be helped. Bean is dead. Believe what you said? Then, end it.

  Sonic: Alright, no more pretendin'. I'mma strip ya tendons 'til ya limbs fit in a pig clit. This is revenge on all my old friends who got stuck in the fringe and now they went, binged, and tried to make me an end.

  Shadow: Yes! You're evil! Face it! Now, let's give these pigs a new face slit. Be an animal. Need more ammo, no? I got guns, Pigs, Rods, Slugs, Sigs, Hogs, Gats, bats, lots!

  Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

  Jet: Wait! No! Don't!

  Sonic: Chick, I'mma Kill You! Don't wanna suck up to me. You ain't nothin' but a cuck to me! Slick, I'mma Kill You! You ain't got the teeth to beef! Better get beneath my beef and don't use yo teeth! Should've killed me! Ain't got the skill to be poppin' off my head, now you said somethin' that'll get ya dead! But, if ya kill me, I'm bringin' the whole world with me in a whirlwind of raps that'll leave you cringing!

  Shadow: You don't. Wanna mess with Speedy. 'Cause Speedy. Will really Kill You!

  Sonic: Haha!!

  Jet: Wh-What Do You Want?!!

  Sonic: I Said! You don't. Wanna mess with Speedy. 'Cause Speedy. Will really Kill You!

  *BANG* *BANG*

  Sonic: Next arc is Bark. Takin' a lark with the narc from Antarc'. Tear you apart so fast ya quarks barf. Got no snark and not as small as Snarf. In the dark, movin' 'bout like sharks. Will I dash to hit you fast, like a Rat in a Trap? Will I tap from a distance vast? Will you last until the sun is cast?

  Shadow: Let's hit this bunk skunk with a thunk, makin' him feel drunk. Then, we can get a knife sunk in his nice lungs. Stabbin' thrice is better than tappin' twice.

  Sonic: Can't act on impulse.

  Shadow: Listen to me, you dim dolt!

  Sonic: Cool it with the insults!

  Shadow: Come on! Encroach, you hypocritical, meta-fictional, semi-pinnacle example of an anti-criminal!

  Sonic: Fine!! Whine all the time in my mind and I'll crime as you like, cripes! Just, lemme handle the mic, psycho.

  Shadow: Why, though? Gonna cry, bro? Don't be my shy clone, or I'll hit you with my cyclone right in the wide bone, rip it off and make it my own.

  Sonic: Shut it, faker! You ain't no shaker, nor an Earth quaker. I'm the rhyme baker and the player who slayed the Doom Slayer! Go back in yo lair, David Ayer!

  Bark: Alright, what do you want?!

  Sonic: Chick, I'mma Kill You! Don't wanna scuff with me. You ain't nothin' but a cuck to me! Slick, I'mma Kill You! You ain't got the teeth to beef! Better get beneath my beef and don't use yo teeth! Should've killed me! Ain't got the skill to be poppin' off my head, now you said somethin' that'll get ya dead! But, if ya kill me, I'm bringin' the whole world with me in a whirlwind of raps that'll leave you cringing!

  Shadow: You don't. Wanna mess with Speedy. 'Cause Speedy. Will really Kill You!

  Sonic: Haha!!

  Bark: Y-You're a madman! Let Me Go!!

  Sonic: I Said! You don't. Wanna mess with Speedy. 'Cause Speedy. Will really Kill You!

  *BANG* *BANG*

  Sonic: Vector should've stayed in his sector. Became my last vexer and I got the next turn. About to get it stuffed up his rectum for thinkin', “Those guys could've wrecked 'im.” Get that fact checked up. It ain't gonna be sex, bum! Though, you can still succumb, get pumped, bumped, trumped, and dumped in a hole with a whole thirty foot pole stuck up ya scrote!

  Shadow: Call out to him like a siren, but scarier than a Shyren's shy grin. Ain't got a hymen? Sing up high then as you ring out, “Hi, men! Wanna die thin?!”

  Sonic: About to file in and violate with a violin like voila, Vincent! Invite an innocent dinner friend and sell both ya bones to Tencent. Two bones, or the entire skeleton of a retired Cubone? No, I mean the boners of you and ya fella, Vin. You ain't the owner when I chop it in and pop it in a dead girlfriend. Sick at what y'all just read? Hurl then.

  Shadow: Come on, Slim. Give him a break to shake ya snake in a lake, or on an ice cream cake as I scream, “Fake!”

  Sonic: He ain't here. I'm the one who steers these jeers. Handin' out tears like I'm on higher tiers, like Tyr's thick beard he's grown for years! Did you just groan? That's real queer, as in weird to be clear.

  Vector: Okay! You Got Me!! You can take my money, just don't-

  Sonic: Chick, I'mma Kill You! Don't wanna buck with me. You ain't nothin' but a cuck to me! Slick, I'mma Kill You! You ain't got the teeth to beef! Better get beneath my beef and don't use yo teeth! Should've killed me! Ain't got the skill to be poppin' off my head, now you said somethin' that'll get ya dead! But, if ya kill me, I'm bringin' the whole world with me in a whirlwind of raps that'll leave you cringing!

  Shadow: You don't. Wanna mess with Speedy. 'Cause Speedy. Will really Kill You!

  Sonic: Haha!!

  Vector: Who're you talking to?!

  Sonic: I Said! You don't. Wanna mess with Speedy. 'Cause Speedy. Will really Kill You!

  *BA-BANG*

  The music suddenly cuts out as Vector falls and Sonic looks down, seeing that Vector shot him too. Falling on his butt, Sonic whips out his phone and makes a call.

  Joshua: What's up?

  Sonic: Th-They got me... Finish it all on your own.

  Joshua: Sonic, what're you talking about?... Sonic?! SONIIIIIC?!!

  *Thud* *Siren sounds*