home

search

Making It Weird

  Monday rolled around far too soon. As much as I’d have preferred staying home with Emmy, going to Japan was important, and something that I needed to do. Consoling myself with the knowledge that it would only be a couple of weeks, I climbed the stairs and into the cabin of the Lascaux family jet resigned to a long flight and too much time without Emmy.

  “This is amazing!” Akiko said when she followed me into the jet. “Why didn’t we take this plane when we went to London?”

  “It’s not actually my jet,” I explained as we took our seats. “I’m just borrowing it for this trip.”

  “Borrowing it?” Jiro asked, looking around in amazement.

  “It belongs to Emmy’s parents, but they let us use it when something important comes up.”

  Just then Eddie, Nick and David boarded and took their seats. Akiko looked at the three serious-looking men in dark suits with interest, but Jiro openly stared.

  “Your bodyguards?” he asked in a hushed voice.

  “And, for this trip at least, yours, too,” I said.

  “Ms Farmer, we were told to expect seven passengers today,” the pilot said after doing a quick head count.

  “My friend Ted is on his way,” I assured him. “Apparently traffic was bad. He texted me ten minutes ago to say he’d be here in five minutes. We can wait a bit for him.”

  “You are bringing a friend?” Akiko asked, surprised.

  “Yeah,” I confirmed. “I asked if it was O.K., and the elders assured me it was fine.”

  “I wish you asked me,” she pouted. “It is my job.”

  “I’ve been emailing directly with Mr Oshida,” I said with a shrug. “It didn’t seem like the kind of thing that needed to be run through you.”

  “It diminishes my stature every time you do that,” she said petulantly.

  “That wasn’t my intention,” I assured her.

  Teddy Bear entered the plane’s cabin at that point, a bit out of breath.

  “Sorry,” he apologized, dropping into a seat. “I’d never been to this part of the airport before and didn’t realize it was clear on the other side from the main terminal.”

  “No problem,” I said with a shrug. “We aren’t actually due to take off for another fifteen minutes, anyway.”

  “Theodore Behr is your friend?” Akiko gasped.

  “Um, yeah, why?”

  “I love his movies! I have seen all of them!” she gushed.

  “Told you,” Teddy Bear said to me. “You thought I was kidding.”

  “I did,” I admitted with a chuckle.

  The flight was long, but at least the plane was comfortable and the food and drinks were superb. The only real interesting parts of the flight were Akiko’s star-struck flirting with Teddy Bear and the long conversation I had with the three heavies about what to expect from the locals, and how to carry themselves. I made it clear that I wanted them to be visible but to not make any effort to be intimidating. Their presence alone should be enough to do the job of letting the shinobi know that I was serious, and meant business.

  “Did those men- your bodyguards- did they call you their queen?” Jiro asked as we began our final descent.

  “I am their queen,” I told him. “The reason the shinobi want to work with me in particular is that I’m the queen of the Night Children in the Americas.”

  “Night Children?”

  “People with skin as black as night,” I said.

  “Ah,” he said, nodding that he understood.

  “Like I said, we’re a rare ethnic minority, and we have our own culture. I’m the queen of our people in the New World. Those three men aren’t just bodyguards. They are a few of my… let’s call it a paramilitary police force. Not my army, exactly, but something close.”

  “And we’re going to Japan to sign a treaty with ninjas,” he said, disbelieving.

  “We aren’t ninjas,” Akiko protested. “Almost all you know about ninjas is a lie. The truth is very different than what you think.”

  “Ever since Leah told me we were going to Japan to work out some sort of deal with the Night Children of Japan, I’ve read everything I could about the actual history of the shinobi and the mythology of the ninjas, and from what I can tell, Akiko is right,“ Teddy Bear said. “Did you know that when they were at their peak in the warring period things like throwing stars didn’t even exist? In fact, most of what we think of as ninja weapons and equipment- stuff like those claws that they supposedly used to climb castle walls- those were all invented by writers in the Nineteenth Century?”

  “You mean they didn’t wear bright orange jumpsuits and headbands with silly runes on them?” I asked, feigning shock.

  “Nope. I hate to break it to you, but Naruto ain’t real,” Teddy Bear said.

  “We all love Naruto,” Akiko said. “It is so ridiculous!”

  We got a lot of astonished stares in the small regional airport at Chubu, but that was to be expected. Our group would have stood out like the proverbial sore thumbs in almost any context, but there in a mid-sized city in Japan that attracts roughly zero outsiders we might as well have had flashing neon signs above our heads.

  Akiko and Jiro quickly negotiated taxis to take us all to the train station, then got us tickets for the city of Iga.

  “I have never felt so conspicuous in my life,” Jiro admitted once we were underway on the train. “Everybody was staring.”

  “Can you blame them?” I asked.

  “I dunno,” Teddy Bear said, looking over his shoulder at the two of us. “I thought we did a pretty good job of blending in.”

  “Like ninjas,” I agreed.

  “Exactly what I was thinking!” Teddy Bear said, but Jiro just gave the two of us a disappointed stare.

  A group of elders, some in makeup and some not, met us at the Iga train station.

  “Mrs Tanaka, Mr Oshida, It is good to see you again,” I said to the two whose names I knew. Both Akiko and Jiro started to translate, then stopped to let the other speak.

  “Akiko, you translate what I say for the elders. Jiro, you translate what they say to me,” I suggested at the momentary impasse.

  They both nodded, and Akiko spoke to the elders.

  “I’m sorry,” I said to the two other elders. “I don’t think I ever caught your names.”

  “Mr Kawasaki and Mr Suzuki,” Jiro translated when they gave their names.

  “It is a pleasure to meet you,” I said with a nod. “Thank you for coming to greet us.”

  The author's tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

  “It is our honor,” Mr Oshida said with a respectful bow.

  The various Japanese had a conversation, and eventually Jiro said, “They did not know what you wished for an accommodation, so they have several options. There is a good hotel here in the downtown area, or we could stay at a traditional hotel in the countryside- it has a natural bath, and is- and these are Mr Kawasaki’s words- used exclusively by our people, or we could stay in a traditional house, which would be large enough for our entire group.”

  “I like the idea of an onsen,” I admitted. “My second choice would be the house, and my least favorite option is the downtown hotel. I’ve read a little about hot springs hotels here in Japan- what is your thinking on the subject?”

  “They said it is very traditional,” Jiro cautioned. “Is that something you’re O.K. with?”

  “This onsen is run by our people?” I asked Hayate Oshida.

  “It is,” he replied. “We can’t bathe in most onsen, for obvious reasons, so we maintain a few for only us.”

  “And how is the hotel part of it?” I asked.

  “Small, but clean. The food is good, too, but… the rooms are traditional Japanese style, not Western,” Hayate said.

  “This means futons on the floor, not raised mattresses,” Akiko volunteered.

  “My queen?” Eddie said, indicating he wanted a private word. We stepped away from the others for a moment, and he said, “Security would be a nightmare in a situation like that. The downtown hotel is the only safe option.”

  “Yeah, I get that,” I agreed. “But honestly, if they wanted to do us harm there are only four of us to fight off how many? I say we play it the opposite.”

  “You’re the queen,” he said, but I could hear misgiving in his voice.

  Returning to the group, I said to the elders, “I would like to stay at the traditional hot spring hotel. I’m here to learn more about your culture, after all, and to form strong bonds between our nations. We are in your hands. We are pleased to enjoy your hospitality.”

  A lengthy conversation among our hosts ensued after Akiko translated.

  “They are discussing it. They did not expect you to make that choice, but are pleased that you’ve done so,” Jiro said in a quiet voice so only I could hear. “Mr Oshida said to the others that it shows a trust that must be honored.”

  “Good,” I told him. “That is exactly the thinking we need to make this whole thing work.”

  The actual hotel was a half hour drive outside of the city in a densely wooded little valley between forested hills. The long driveway from the road was unmarked and the hotel itself had only very minimal signage. It looked like a relic from a past era, and that is exactly what it turned out to be. We were given the entire top floor, but I only counted ten guest rooms up there, so that wasn’t much of a hardship on the establishment anyhow. It was explained that the top floor rooms were the best, and unlike the other two floors each room had en suite bathroom. No baths or showers for relatively obvious reasons, but that was fine. The whole point of the place was the baths, after all.

  The elders made it clear that no meetings would happen until the next evening, so we would have time to relax and recover from our long journey. I was O.K. with that, and bid them good night once we’d gotten settled in.

  “Um, Leah,” Jiro said as the six of us ate dinner at the nearly empty restaurant. “When they said this place was traditional, they really meant it.”

  “Wild, isn’t it?” I asked. “I’m looking forward to a soak after dinner.”

  “About that,” Jiro said, looking nervous. “That traditional thing? Mixed gender baths.”

  “Not separated? Men and women in the same pools?” I asked.

  “Yeah, that’s right,” he confirmed.

  “That’s good,” Nick said. “That way we can be there to protect you.”

  “Well, that’s alright, then,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Because I’m completely helpless.”

  “Said nobody about you, ever,” Teddy Bear commented.

  “You don’t mind that there will be men bathing also?” Jiro asked, surprised.

  “Are you kidding? This way I get to see hot dudes naked!” I replied.

  “Looking at others in the onsen is frowned on,” Jiro said disapprovingly.

  “She’s just kidding,” Teddy Bear assured him. “You do know she’s gay, right?”

  “Interesting,” Jiro said, looking around as the attendant handed us little cottton towels. At my questioning look, he said, “Usually you’d see signs with the rules, things like ‘clean yourself before entering the pools’ or ‘no tattoos’. Here there aren’t any. This is really what an onsen hotel must have been like a hundred years ago. You’re simply expected to know the customs.”

  “What are the customs?” I asked.

  “Like I said, wash yourself off with the provided water before entering the pools. Don’t dip your hair in the water. Use this little towel,” he said, holding up the white cotton towel he’d been given, “to wipe your face, or cover yourself for modesty when you’re out of the water, but it doesn’t go in the water, either,” he explained.

  “Got that, guys?” I asked.

  “We’ll have separate changing areas. Put your robe in one of the lockers, take a shower and rinse off, then go into the main area with the pools. There will be a really hot one, a warm one, and usually a cold water pool, plus probably a sauna. All of those will be unisex, but I don’t think anybody else is really here,” Jiro added.

  He was wrong about the showers, though. No showers, just buckets of water to pour on yourself to rinse off. I actually liked that- it seemed more authentic. A little inconvenient, but old-school cool.

  Nick was the only one in the pool before me, but Eddie and David followed in just a moment. Teddy Bear was next, then Jiro last of all. Jiro was correct, and we did have the place to ourselves, which was nice, but also a bit of a shame.

  Jiro was clearly very self-conscious. I guess being surrounded by big, strong guys highlighted his slender, unathletic physique, and he outright refused to look my way.

  Nick, Eddie and David weren’t all that shy about looking me over a bit, but fair is fair-I checked them out, too.

  Teddy Bear was the only one who made any sort of comment when I got out of the hot pool for a quick dip in the cold water, which wasn’t actually a pool at all but a continuously flowing rocky stream sort of thing. Although I still wasn’t actually an exhibitionist, I’d given up on worrying about physical modesty. All of us were naked, after all, so what did it really matter?

  “God damn, Leah,” Teddy Bear said, making a show of looking me up and down. “You’re really freaking built!”

  “It takes a lot of gym time to get like this,” I said, posing like a bodybuilder. This attracted Jiro’s attention, and he glanced over before catching himself and looking away again.

  “Yeah, that’s no lie,” Teddy Bear agreed, still looking at my naked body. “That is pure dedication.”

  “You’d better quit staring before Nick over there holds you under water for the rest of your life,” I said jokingly, but Nick was, in fact, glaring daggers at Teddy Bear. He was clearly not happy that his queen was being ogled, and his face showed it.

  “Nick, my man,” Teddy Bear said, holding up his hands in surrender. “Just friends, that’s all- I’m not making a move, if you get my drift.”

  “Only Queen Emmy gets to touch her,” Nick said, making his position extremely clear.

  “Yeah, I understand that, trust me. There’s no way I’d ever even try to steal Leah away, if it was even possible,” Teddy Bear said.

  David laid a calming hand on Nick’s shoulder and that seemed to do the trick. Nick’s shoulders dropped, and he sank back down into the steaming hot water.

  The cold water was more than that- it was freaking freezing. I got the impression it was a natural stream coming down off the mountains, and in December that meant cold, cold, cold. I couldn’t even last a full minute before I was back in the hot pool, which was fed by a natural spring from below and plenty hot.

  “You lasted longer than I would,” Teddy Bear said, getting up to sit on the edge of the pool. “I felt that water when I came out of the changing room. It’s like ice.”

  “A cold dip after the hot water is healthful,” Jiro suggested. “It’s commonly believed to be a contributing factor to Japan’s high rate of active senior citizens.”

  “You’re not doing a great job of selling it, kid,” Teddy Bear laughed. “But I’m from the Midwest where we have a lot of people with Swedish and Norwegian ancestry, and they believe the same thing- but for them it’s saunas and cold lakes.”

  “There is a sauna here,” Jiro offered. “People usually dip in the cold pool after using it. After they rinse off,” he added.

  “How much longer are we going to stay here?” Teddy Bear asked as he settled himself in the warm pool, which was basically a blend of the water flowing from the hot pool and the cold water stream.

  “Here in the bath tonight, or here in this hotel, or here in Japan?” I asked for clarification.

  “Here in this hotel, I guess,” Teddy Bear said. “Two weeks of this and I might not ever want to go back to LA.”

  “Damn, that’s cold!” David exclaimed as he splashed himself in the stream. It didn’t take him long to find himself back in the hot pool, sinking down so only his head was above water. He made an amusing sight, especially with that little towel draped across the top of his head, similar to the way Jiro was wearing his.

  The rest of us had our little washcloths draped across our shoulders, which was slightly less silly, but still a bit odd to me.

  “I think I might try the sauna,” I said. “A little bit of sweating, then some cold water. I’ve heard that’s good for the health,” I announced, and when I climbed out of the pool so did Eddie, Nick and David.

  “You taking the guys with you?” Teddy Bear asked.

  “They are here to guard this body,” I said, pointing at my naked self.

  “And it’s one Hell of a body at that,” Teddy Bear agreed. “But seriously, I think everyone in the world knows that you’re the most dangerous person in the room, any room you’re in.”

  “Truth,” David said under his breath, but loud enough for everyone to hear.

  “Alright, quit making it awkward,” I commanded the three guys after about ten minutes in the sauna. “We’re going to be here for a couple of weeks, and chances are we’re going to use the baths pretty much every day. This means we’re going to be in each others’ naked presence a lot. This doesn’t mean I want you staring at me, but it also means I don’t want you guys to be weird about avoiding looking at me, either.”

  “It isn’t right for us-” Nick started to say, but I interrupted him.

  “Look at me,” I said, getting up and standing in front of the three of them, hands on my hips. “Look at each other. We’re all just people. In plenty of societies around the world nudity is no big deal. This happens to be one of them. We have the baths to ourselves tonight, but odds are tomorrow we won’t. There’ll be plenty of others bathing with us, and they’ll be just as naked as we are right now. So what I’m saying is you three need to get over it.”

  They were still a bit weird about it, but better when we went back out to the pool area. Teddy Bear had left, but Jiro was still there- presumably from a sense of duty, but that hadn’t been enough to get him to go to the sauna with the rest of us. Of course, he ws still avoiding looking at me, but whatever. As I’d told my three heavies, we had a couple of weeks to deal with whatever misguided modesty issues any of them had.

  After rinsing off and then splashing around in the cold water, we called it a night and returned to our rooms.

  “What time will you need me?” Jiro asked as we got to the top floor.

  “Breakfast is at eight,” I said. “See you in the dining room then.”

Recommended Popular Novels